Would parenting classes help a confused stepmom?!

[sissiesmama]

Hello - It's Anne again. Have a question and was hoping to get ideas, ect. from other allnurses parents/step-parents.

My dh and I have been married a little over 3 years and he has 2 boys from a prev. marriage. The ''problem child'' is 15 yrs. Even though dh and his ex were already divorced when we started dating, problem child states that it is my fault that the divorce occurred, which is NOT TRUE!! We had a strictly professional relationship (he's an RNC also) for 15 yrs. We worked at the same facility.

Up to this point, prob. child has only been verbal towards me, words that make my hair curl. The first time was ''youre not my mom, youre just the ____ that_____ my dad!" These outbursts have escalated and we have had him in counseling, had him pee in a cup, therapists thru school, the private sector, and on and on. (UDS was always negative)

He has been in trouble in school and will be expelled if he is suspended again. He has been in trouble for egging trailers. (And I'm not innocent, I did that when I was his age, but did not get caught!) Mom has been an instigating factor in this, I know. Now he says "He__ no I am not going to counseling again." Dad does disipline him when he screws up.

A week ago, he let loose with his usual filthy mouth regarding me, and his dad heard him. So then prob.child scratched me on my wrist and grabbed my deltiod so hard, I had bruises in the form of fingers. I do keep a record of everything and also took pictures of the injuries.

Would parenting classes help any in this type of situation? He is still adamant that he won't go see anyone, but I am more than willing to do anything to help the situation. Any ideas? Moderators PLEASE don't pull this - I just needed to vent and ask for ideas.

Anne, RNC:deadhorse

[beachbum3]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

This kid isn't just angry. He is a danger to himself and other. He needs help and care beyond what his parents can give him. We should be supporting her not throwing shots.

[vashtee, RN]

Sorry, but we all have a different perspective on the matter. Mine is based on having raised 3 step kids. I happen to believe this child is angry, and he needs help.... AND a supportive, interactive, loving family. His mom can't do it in her current state. Who will take her place if the rest of the family moves away?

I feel for you, OP, as I know it is rough to raise troubled kids, but maybe there is another solution rather than moving away? Can he go with you to wherever you are moving and enter treatment there?

Also, I want to suggest you look into step family support groups. they can be very helpful in these kinds of situations.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Sometimes you have to tell a severely-acting-out child that you will love him from a distance. You don't stop loving, but, just as you don't let an injured pet bite you when he's crazed with pain, neither do you give a wounded child the power or the proximity to ravage the family. That isn't really what they want anyway.

Troubled kids need to know that your love is unconditional, but your trust is earned. You have to set limits and enforce them out of care and concern for everyone involved. The worst thing you can do is nothing. Making empty threats only forces the kid to escalate to find out where the line really is.

It sounds like you have reached the point where you have to do something for the safety of the entire family--the troubled kid included. He needs to be stopped and he has demonstrated that he can't stop himself.

The most common mistakes that people make in this situation are either to back down over and over, giving the message that there are no real boundaries. Or to put the kid inpatient or into residential and then pull away. The secret, as I said at the beginning of this post, is to love from a safe distance, teaching the child that proximity and a physical return to the family come with different behavior and the rebuilding of the relationships. If the love goes away when the child does, there is no motivation to work things out.

You sound like a family that has a lot of strengths as well as one that has been tested. When I worked child and adolescent psych, that is the kind of family I was willing to invest extra time in as I felt they had the best chances of reconnecting with their child.

Also, we have an adult son whom we adopted. He was seriously abused as a young child and we went through many years of working to connect with him, insisting on safety and healthy choices as the passport to being close. He did several institutional stints and only recently was able to tell us that he needed those boundaries. He now has a pretty good relationship with us and says we did the right things to "civilize" him and help him learn to manage his anger. At times, we were highly misunderstood by people who thought we were just trying to get rid of him or felt we needed to give him a break (they had no idea how many he'd already been given).

In the end, you have to do what your gut tells you is the right thing, even though it might feel bad or others might accuse you of being too harsh. The distance keeps you safe physically. The love keeps all of you safe emotionally. The two can work well together.

One other thing. Kids who are sooooo angry are often really sooooo hurt. But feeling hurt feels too vulnerable. They repackage those wounds into something that feels more powerful, most often without understanding that this is what they're doing. A lot of these kids have broken hearts and are really grief-stricken on the inside. They need help to stop attacking and learn how to sit still and be sad. This takes time and people who care enough to give it. Wherever he ends up, write him lots of letters. This was one of the ways we finally were able to have some real communication with our son. Both he and we could say things on paper that we couldn't in person. He told us that he would read and re-read our letters many times over. They became a lifeline during his darkest times.

I wish you all the very best.

PM me if you want.

I appreciate your post.

Kids involved in divorce are hurt and angry - plus he has a mom who abandoned him in order to get high. I do think he is acting out due to a situation his mom and dad put him in. I'll bet these kids saw some horrible behavior as they were growing up. It is natural that he is angry and hurt and in pain.

However, he cannot be allowed to be violent - he needs help.

And he needs to know he is loved.

steph

[Batman24]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

I read it thast way as well and hope I am wrong. He's an angry 15 year old with a mother who is an addict. He is taking his anger out on the wrong people because he is in pain. He's still a child. Get him help, but please don't abandon him. Moving out of state and leaving him behind would be a terrible tragedy for all involved.

Why not start with some counseling both individually for your stepson, and for the whole family as well?! Try that and see how it goes. Also, let the father be the only one to discipline him and it should be just, fair, and immediate. Dan needs to step up big time here and I suggest the two of you get some therapy together as well to formulate a plan.

[Batman24]

That's how the post sounded but surely they wouldn't, surely they couldn't put a minor child in an inpatient facility and then move out of state. First, the child would not be in a inpatient facility for an indefinate period of time. Usually a couple of weeks, a month, perhaps 6 weeks.

Perhaps you read that right and I hope you did. It appeared that they would leave after he was placed, but I agree however with your assessment. I am hoping they aren't planning on giving over custody to the state. This situation sounds like it can still be salvaged with counseling and support groups with qualified people in place.

[leslie :-D]

i personally, do not wish to see the family move out of state.

i agree that this young man's feelings are extremely misguided/misdirected, and he needs help immediately- outside of the house.

however, if the family moved away, i couldn't blame him for feeling abandoned.

if he is willing and able to get help for himself, the family should be present in showing their love and support.

it's a family problem, and not just the son's.

leslie

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

So far with every bit of input on this thread, I have taken with a grain of salt. When I read yours, I have to say NO WE WOULD NOT JUST LOCK HIM UP AND LEAVE THE STATE!!!!!! And he is more than "angry''. Yes his parents split up, but this was 6 years or so ago. My parents and my DHs also did and we didn't use divorce as an excuse to act like he does. And, yes he is mad that I kind of replaced their mother, but during the summer, she let him get drunk and then when he beat her up she called 911. Ane I still tell both the boys that I love them just like I gave birth to them. So that kind of opinion I don't need. You make me feel like I am the aggressor or instigator. I love them but they won't lay a hand on me again! But no we wouldn't just pack up and leave him. Ever thought we could find a facility in the state we could move to and have him placed him close to us??!!:angryfire

[beachbum3]

If they are considering military/boarding school type scenario often you have to send your child out of state anyway....

SO's family lived out of state when he was in military school- he just flew home on breaks and some weekends.

I don't think they'd be able to move out of state if he was in an inpatient hospital setting.

[vashtee, RN]

So far with every bit of input on this thread, I have taken with a grain of salt. When I read yours, I have to say NO WE WOULD JUST LOCK HIM UP AND LEAVE THE STATE!!!!!!

Sorry, but I wasn't the only person who read it that way. I'm glad you won't abandon him, then. That wouldnt help.

Really, try looking in to step parent support groups.

[beachbum3]

So far with every bit of input on this thread, I have taken with a grain of salt. When I read yours, I have to say NO WE WOULD JUST LOCK HIM UP AND LEAVE THE STATE!!!!!! And he is more than "angry''. Yes his parents split up, but this was 6 years or so ago. My parents and my DHs also did and we didn't use divorce as an excuse to act like he does. And, yes he is mad that I kind of replaced their mother, but during the summer, she let him get drunk and then when he beat her up she called 911. Ane I still tell both the boys that I love them just like I gave birth to them. So that kind of opinion I don't need. You make me feel like I am the aggressor or instigator. I love them but they won't lay a hand on me again! But no we wouldn't just pack up and leave him. Ever thought we could find a facility in the state we could move to and have him placed him close to us??!!:angryfire

He already beat up his mother???

I feel like you need to get him somewhere like, RIGHT now, and not wait until you move. This is a very unsafe situation, and honestly makes me really nervous for you. Can you leave the house and stay somewhere else when your husband isn't home? And what about the younger child, has the older one been violent toward him as well? Is the younger child emulating his older brother at all?

[Batman24]

Does the mother still have visitation with the children?! It doesn't sound like she can take care of herself let alone two children. This could perhaps be addressed with the courts ASAP if it hasn't been already.

I'm glad you will be keeping your stepson as part of your family. Sounds like there is a lot of pain for all of you as a whole. I pray you all get the help you need because this isn't just his problem, but all of your problem. Good luck.

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

btw, we went through this with our dd, for around 2 yrs.

she became violent, assaultive and out of control.

we did get dss involved (dept of social services).

we also sent her to psyche hosps, one after another- total of 6-7 in one yr.

as we found out, she was into drugs, which distorted and escalated her behaviors.

she is now living back at home, and doing well.

she lives by our rules, and the best part, no one is walking one eggshells.

she knows she is loved, very, very much.

but-

NO ONE should EVER live with a constant threat of being abused-mentally or physically.

obvious, your stepson has problems that are bigger than him.

and he needs help.

this does not mean that he has to remain in your house, while he receives it.

i'll tell you, these 'interventions' cost big $$...

something we did not have.

we used the resources available to us.

i have a feeling he's probably using.

the first step is to get him off this stuff.

dry him out.

inpatient will buy you 1-2 wks only.

but there are transitional units: after the acute but before being discharged home.

and before we let dd come home, we had social services coming and closely monitoring her.

it was a tough and long ride, but well worth it.

pm me, anytime, ann.

gentle hugs to you all.

leslie

Leslie - thank you so much! You made me feel a little bit better. We have made him pee in a cup and they have been negative. I am glad since his mom is an active user and dh and I are both recovering nurses. We both have 7 years sober. I appreciate the kind words. PM me or email anytime! Thanks again - Anne:bowingpur