When your ex or their mistress/lover is the patient?

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 18, 2016

I found out while the donkey was still in the ER (and asking to be sent to my unit) and spoke up. He was sent to another unit.

Beldar_the_Cenobite, CNA · Dec 18, 2016

Did you end up caring for the person? Did they know who you were? Did they take advantage of the situation by smiling at you? If it was me in that position and the money was good, I'd keep a fake face. They won't be there forever. If they have something they want to say to me, they can step outside when they can and then I'll tell them the cold shoulder...things no one would ever say to anyone :)

I mean if that's not the type of person you are then I guess you were happy seeing the mistress or whatever....

DeeAngel · Dec 18, 2016

I would ask my charge to switch my assignment immediately. If they refused I would call the House Supervisor and insist it be changed. It's a conflict of interest and something I just would not be willing to go along with under any circumstances. Any supervisor with a brain should be more than willing to change the assignments.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Dec 18, 2016

Even if the ex or the mistress is a crappy person, they have rights as patients. And one of those would be not being cared for by a nurse with personal feelings towards them, an agenda, or anything remotely unprofessional. Even the most forgiving of nurses would still likely not be 100% emotionally distanced. That being the case, it shouldn't matter how the nurse feels-she or he or should be reassigned as a matter of policy.

macawake, MSN · Dec 18, 2016

Did you end up caring for the person? Did they know who you were? Did they take advantage of the situation by smiling at you?

I'm not sure what to make of your post. Is the question "did they take advantage of the situation by smiling at you", a serious question? I can identify many risks for both the nurse and the patient if they had a pre-existing personal relationship, especially one involving abuse. That dynamics have no place in a nurse-patient professional relationship. A smile doesn't even make Top 50 of the list of risks. Actually I don't even understand how smiling constitutes taking advantage of someone else?

If it was me in that position and the money was good, I'd keep a fake face.

The OP really mentioned three different scenarios. 1) A cheating, narcissistic and abusive ex-partner. 2) A mistress of the ex-partner (the use of that word implies that this is a person that the ex-partner had a sexual relationship with while he was still in a relationship with the nurse. 3) A lover. I assume this could mean someone that the ex-partner has met after the relationship between the ex-partner and the nurse had ended.

The OP didn't specify which of the three categories she is really asking about. (Come to think it, you haven't specified either if your post is addressing abusive ex-partner's or lovers and mistresses).

Anyway, the three categories have somewhat different dynamics but accepting nursing responsibility for their care, is in my opinion ill-advised for all three. There are potential risks to the nurse's professional license, to her/his emotional wellbeing and to the patient's integrity. If the patient is a person who has abused the nurse, the advice to be their nurse and "keep a fake face" while caring for the patient, is in my opinion not good advice. I don't think that a nurse should even work on the same floor/unit that the abuser is hospitalized in, much less provide direct care.

If they have something they want to say to me, they can step outside when they can and then I'll tell them the cold shoulder...things no one would ever say to anyone :)

What does this mean in plain English? Again , if we're talking about an abusive individual and a person who has been the victim of his or her abuse in the past, "taking it outside" , just the two of them, is a bad idea. (Taking the discussion "outside" with your ex's current lover is also a bad idea). First of all, after having managed to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship it's not in that person's best interest to keep that relationship going. Having no futher contact with the abuser is ideal.

Also, normally most victims of domestic abuse are individuals who don't have sufficient physical strength to intimidate, nor do they have the mental capacity for violence/cause serious injury to other people or a capacity to deliver threats that will scare an abuser. People with those traits would strike back or perhaps even become the abuser themselves. What exactly do you picture happening "outside" between the abuser and his/her former victim?

I mean if that's not the type of person you are then I guess you were happy seeing the mistress or whatever....

As I started off by saying, I'm having problems deciphering the meaning/tone of your sentences. To me, this sounds like a taunt. If you don't step outside and "say things no one would ever say to anyone", then that means that you are the type of person who enjoys seeing the person your partner is cheating on you, with? Am I reading you correctly?

Entirely depends on if the "then mistress/lover" knows who you are,

@Been there,done that. Does it really matter if the a nurse's ex-partner's lover or mistress knows at the time that their nurse has been personally involved with the patient's partner? A patient will often tell his or her nurse very private information. They will share details that they likely wouldn't share if they knew that they were talking to their partner's ex. The nurse also gets access to the patient's medical records which will reveal even more personal information. I think that a nurse who has knowledge about a personal connection to her patient, has an obligation to ask management to switch assignments.

CaffeinePOQ4HPRN, BSN, MSN, LPN, RN · Dec 18, 2016

Even if the ex or the mistress is a crappy person, they have rights as patients. And one of those would be not being cared for by a nurse with personal feelings towards them, an agenda, or anything remotely unprofessional. Even the most forgiving of nurses would still likely not be 100% emotionally distanced. That being the case, it shouldn't matter how the nurse feels-she or he or should be reassigned as a matter of policy.

@Horseshoe You should read the thread properly. If you did, you'd know that this is an issue of stalking. I have no intention of caring for anyone in an unprofessional/unethical context.... and in this scenario I'd rather be a million miles away. If the individual(s) in question was/were bleeding to death and no one was available to help them, of course I would provide assistance until someone could be found to take over the assignment -- I am not a monster! Regardless, I also do not deserve to be harassed or invite/allow an opportunity for an extension of the abuse I had to ensure. I deserve to feel and be safe in my workplace.

This is a situation where an individual(s) repeatedly feigns illness to seek care that is medically unnecessary on our unit, requesting me specifically, and asks for information on my schedule... to name a few. My new manager is a "people-patient pleaser" and has repeatedly assigned the individual(s) to me as per their request. So, the hospital has been slow to step in/ and are only now properly investigating the situation since I got my union/professional association involved. I did not take the repeated assignment of the individual(s), I thankfully worked alongside sympathetic coworker who switched with me.

Thankfully, this is a casual position and I don't necessary rely on it to pay my bills... So, I've considered quitting. Especially since I have a full-time nursing position that is not at the bedside.

JadedCPN, BSN, RN · Dec 18, 2016

My new manager is a "people-patient pleaser" and has repeatedly assigned the individual(s) to me as per their request.

THIS is completely unacceptable. If you don't need that position, I personally would either be following your chain of command above your manager since this is unprofessional, switching to a different area in the hospital where the manager would be more understanding and professional, or leaving the facility all together.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Dec 18, 2016

@Horseshoe You should read the thread properly. If you did, you'd know that this is an issue of stalking. I have no intention of caring for anyone in an unprofessional/unethical context.... and in this scenario I'd rather be a million miles away. If the individual(s) in question was/were bleeding to death and no one was available to help them, of course I would provide assistance until someone could be found to take over the assignment -- I am not a monster! Regardless, I also do not deserve to be harassed or invite/allow an opportunity for an extension of the abuse I had to ensure. I deserve to feel and be safe in my workplace.
This is a situation where an individual(s) repeatedly feigns illness to seek care that is medically unnecessary on our unit, requesting me specifically, and asks for information on my schedule... to name a few. My new manager is a "people-patient pleaser" and has repeatedly assigned the individual(s) to me as per their request. So, the hospital has been slow to step in/ and are only now properly investigating the situation since I got my union/professional association involved. I did not take the repeated assignment of the individual(s), I thankfully worked alongside sympathetic coworker who switched with me.
Thankfully, this is a casual position and I don't necessary rely on it to pay my bills... So, I've considered quitting. Especially since I have a full-time nursing position that is not at the bedside.

My post was not addressing your specific situation AT ALL, it's a general statement as to nurses caring for with anyone with whom they have had a former personal relationship. This situation could come up for many nurses, with various dynamics involved, and in response to a post claiming that he would be fine to take care of a former lover and could "fake it," it's irrelevant as all patients have rights.

annabanana2 · Dec 18, 2016

@Horseshoe You should read the thread properly. If you did, you'd know that this is an issue of stalking. I have no intention of caring for anyone in an unprofessional/unethical context.... and in this scenario I'd rather be a million miles away. If the individual(s) in question was/were bleeding to death and no one was available to help them, of course I would provide assistance until someone could be found to take over the assignment -- I am not a monster! Regardless, I also do not deserve to be harassed or invite/allow an opportunity for an extension of the abuse I had to ensure. I deserve to feel and be safe in my workplace.
This is a situation where an individual(s) repeatedly feigns illness to seek care that is medically unnecessary on our unit, requesting me specifically, and asks for information on my schedule... to name a few. My new manager is a "people-patient pleaser" and has repeatedly assigned the individual(s) to me as per their request. So, the hospital has been slow to step in/ and are only now properly investigating the situation since I got my union/professional association involved. I did not take the repeated assignment of the individual(s), I thankfully worked alongside sympathetic coworker who switched with me.
Thankfully, this is a casual position and I don't necessary rely on it to pay my bills... So, I've considered quitting. Especially since I have a full-time nursing position that is not at the bedside.

You actually didn't make that clear in the thread at any point at ALL. You asked a hypothetical question about "what would happen if your ex, who is a terrible person, ended up on your unit because the universe has a funny sense of humor?" Which everyone has answered. Adding these details would have helped Horseshoe to answer your question more accurately. No need to be snippy because somebody responded to a post based on the information available.

And yes, you obviously should quit your casual position if your safety is at risk. Jeez.

macawake, MSN · Dec 18, 2016

@Horseshoe You should read the thread properly. If you did, you'd know that this is an issue of stalking. I have no intention of caring for anyone in an unprofessional/unethical context.... and in this scenario I'd rather be a million miles away.

OP, I think that you need to take a deep breath and try to look at this more objectively if you can.

If you reread your original post in this thread you'll realize that you didn't mention one word about stalking. People aren't mind-readers. You only mentioned the "universe having a unique sense of humor". How are people supposed to deduce stalking from that?

Now in your second post (#10) you did introduce the term stalking and you provided links to articles about other nurses who had been the victims of stalkers or abusers. I actually read that post before you went back and edited it, so I know that there's more to the story. I chose not to respond to that information since I figured you'd deleted it for a reason.

No one is accusing you of providing unprofessional/unethical care. I and others have merely mentioned reasons for why it's not a good idea to care for a patient with whom the nurse has had a previous personal relationship. This advice applies to any and all nurses, we're not singling you out. You actually hadn't provided enough details about your situation to offer any specific, individual advice. (And I think that not providing too many details is a good thing/prudent by the way).

This is a situation where an individual(s) repeatedly feigns illness to seek care that is medically unnecessary on our unit, requesting me specifically, and asks for information on my schedule... to name a few. My new manager is a "people-patient pleaser" and has repeatedly assigned the individual(s) to me as per their request.

Wait a second. Is your employer actually making you care for these individuals despite being informed about the history you share? If so, that's wrong on so many levels. In my opinion it's highly unprofessional conduct on behalf of management.

Thankfully, this is a casual position and I don't necessary rely on it to pay my bills... So, I've considered quitting. Especially since I have a full-time nursing position that is not at the bedside.

If you and anyone else is being stalked then the blame for that falls squarely on the stalker, not his or her victim. However what I don't understand is why you're still at this facility dealing with this crap if you don't have to be. It's not your fault that you're being stalked, but it seems to me that you have the means to remove yourself from this situation. I definitely would if it were me. I wouldn't even stay with such an unsupportive employer if it was my full-time job. I'd immediately start looking for another position.

Regardless, I also do not deserve to be harassed or invite/allow an opportunity for an extension of the abuse I had to ensure. I deserve to feel and be safe in my workplace.

Of course you do. Based on your account, your employer seems to have failed you miserably.

NotYourMamasRN · Dec 18, 2016

I had to change an assignment for one of my nurses once for exactly this situation. The nurse got so worked up seeing the other woman that they had a panic attack and had to go to the ER. The situation, from my understanding, was pretty rough and involved police, courts, and lots of pent up anger.

chacha82, ADN, BSN · Dec 18, 2016

Unlike ER/Grey's Anatomy/insert medical TV show here, most staff do not insist on putting themselves in inappropriate and dramatic situations. You tell the charge it's not an appropriate assignment because of a prior relationship, even if the patient doesn't know about you. If YOU know, then you have a duty to protect the patient from harm as you would in any other situation. Someone switches with you.