What gives with the unsupportive spouses?

[dragonfly414]

ok... I'm relatively new to this, but I have noticed several people posting about unsupportive spouses. What is up with that? I know this does happen despite the fact it is 2012 and we should have progressed far beyond this, but I'm surprised at how many people I have seen mention an unsupportive spouse! Has anyone else noticed too many people say they have a spouse who does not support them?

Maybe I'm particularly independent because my Mom who is a nurse of 30 plus years, raised me as a single parent over half the time since my parents split and my Dad is a Merchant Marine? Maybe it is something about us New England gals? Maybe I'm simply soured from my divorce and have little faith in depending on men who do often leave when you least expect it! Sadly, even the most 'perfect' marriages fail. Maybe I'm extremely stubborn and just flat out refuse to feel like someone else has more control over my life than I do.

I just can't stand the thought of not being able to support myself or my children whenever I have them. I can't stand the thought of anyone standing in my way! and it ticks me off that so many people are fighting this battle they surely should not have to fight! I'm the kind of person who will fight ten times harder if you tell me no, and sometimes I wish I could donate some of my attitude problem to others who need support.

So here is my advice. Don't take that crap! Why should your spouse be the only one who receives emotional support for their career? or why should your spouse only support you if you do as they wish with your life? they shouldn't!!! Follow your Nursing dreams and anyone who truly loves you will find a way to be supportive, even if it is difficult for them at first. Do what you need to do to be able to support yourself and your children. Should you find yourself with out your spouse for any reason, you will be so glad you did. Having a nursing career is not a threat to anyone's family, manhood, relationship, or marriage if the spouse doesn't make it that way!

[rubato, ASN, RN]

I think there are two camps of unsupported women here. There are the ones that have completely unsupportive husbands. I think they're the minority. And, then there are the ones whose husbands are worried, and have every right to be. It's a big time commitment and a big money commitment. If, in the past, the wife has been a contributor financially and no longer will be, or she's been the sole caregiver to their children and no longer will be, or if it's just not a good time financially, or if she just didn't talk to him about it, of course he has every right to question her decisions. Marriage is a partnership and both parties get to voice their opinions. If they differ, a compromise must be made. In that case, one or sometimes both of them isn't going to get their way. Hopefully, in these cases, everything can work out for these women and they can advance themselves and get through school while turning their husbands around.

I guess I'm really lucky that when I told my husband I was thinking about this, he started asking questions: How much money? How long will you be in school? How good is the job market in nursing? How will this affect our family, both good and bad? WHAT DO YOU ME TO DO FOR YOU? :redpinkhe

[aaron_j_sutter]

I an most likely the minority in the conversation. I am a male who is putting off nursing school because my wife has reservations about it (e.g. cost, school time commitment, cost, being away from home, and the big one, THE COST!!). I have heard so many people say that the economy is bad so you should go back to school, but I always want to yell back at them, "how the heck am I going to pay off $30,000 of debt before I die in a down economy!!". My wife and I agreed that instead of jumping right into nursing school I would get my CNA and work in that field for a while and them in the future we can look back into nursing. I was happy to compromise because I know that she works hard all week to help support our family finincially and I don't want all of the pressure of taking care of the family and finances to be completely on her.

God gave us spouses for a reason, we should try listening to them once in a while, they might save us from doing something stupid. I know mine has saved me from doing thousands of stupid things.

[willowita, ADN, RN]

Oh my this is a heated topic. I'll just throw in my two cents.

If you're in a marriage where you don't feel supported by your spouse and it emotionally haunts you, you feel depressed, are in an existential crisis over your life, over your career path, and you are in despair, then that's a problem. I can't say most people come off that way here. I could be wrong.

But everyone needs to make decisions that will be good for themselves and their marriage. If both parties can amicably come to the agreement that yes we can make nursing school work, or no I have to give up my dream for the greater good and I am 100% okay with that. Then that's great. But if someone is going to hold it against their spouse and it's going to become this thing to despair about, maybe even start to chip away at the marriage, then that's a problem.

I hope people are adult enough to live with the choices they make. If that means putting school on hold temporarily or forever, or if you have to walk away from a marriage because of it, that's a personal choice. You just have to be able to live with it.

[Nola009]

My husband looks at my nursing career as if it's a machete to the balls.

[zzbxdo]

It's kind of like Yelp. You are likely gonna say something if you are unsatisfied and less likely to review if you are satisfied. I agree unsupportive spouses are unfortunate but I highly doubt it's a huge significant figure.

[zzbxdo]

My husband looks at my nursing career as if it's a machete to the balls.

Haha. I see the girlfriends nursing career as a pot of gold.

[duskyjewel]

I really think anyone who has trouble with a spouse over pursuing a career is in a marriage that had massive issues already. Someone who truly loves you, wants the best for you, and values you as a person in your own right would never have a problem with you bettering yourself and opportunities for the family.

I've seen the horror stories about marriages and nursing school, but I have no fear. My husband and I have been through a lot in 20 years....this will be a blip compared to deployments and the unintentional home birth where he caught his own baby.

[Nola009]

Haha. I see the girlfriends nursing career as a pot of gold.

Wish my husband looked at mine in a more upbeat way! A better attitude would be better for him and me both!

[ShelbyaStar]

Haha. I see the girlfriends nursing career as a pot of gold.

This is how my husband is. I think he's thrilled compared to my previous career that was a money pit. I still think the reality of NS will be a bit of a rude awakening, but I've done crazier things for work.

[PulselessNine]

My wife today is highly supportive. My previous wife received the benefit of a six figure income and a man who would leave early to be home for dinner. I made sure that she could stay home and be a mom IF she wanted to. That income came with a requirement that I be available for clients at off hours and sometimes on weekends. I was accused of getting break all day while she struggled with kids at home. The kids were in elementary school for several years when this accusation came along. She left because it was unfair to her that I worked from 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM and got a break from the household chores everyday.

My only point here is that spouses are often self centered no matter what we do. I have been blessed with someone who loves me for me and understands that we share each other with our obligations at work. I hope that things change for the OP and that support will be the new norm.

[windsurfer8, BSN, RN]

You are only hearing one side of the story. Having been a psych nurse since 2006 many times people will blame others (spouse, boss, friends) for not doing anything with their life. If the spouse doesn't want them to do it then it is up to the ADULT person who wants to do it to decide if they are going to do it or not. It doesn't matter if the spouse "supports" them They may perceive the spouse as not "supporting" them by questioning how they will pay the bills or take care of the kids while they are in school. That is a LOGICAL question for a spouse to make and does not mean they don't "support" them. People will find excuses not to work, go to school, pay bills, stay of drugs, and a zillion other things (its my spouses fault! They don't support me!) I take everything..and I mean EVERYTHING..I hear with a grain of salt.

[Jen_Loves_Nursing]

when my husband met me he knew I had educational goals to meet. We got married and I ended up taking hiatus from school. I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. When i buckled down and decided to go back to school, he t=had a hard time. most of our fights are him making me feel like a bad mom for not being there like I used to, which really sucks because i see it as a sacrafise. We are not well off and with two solid incomes can buy a house and live better then pay check to pay check... also, my husband didn't go to college and I know even though he doesn't have the desire to attend college he is jealous. IM not gonna stop for him. my kids and family are only gonna benefit