ok... I'm relatively new to this, but I have noticed several people posting about unsupportive spouses. What is up with that? I know this does happen despite the fact it is 2012 and we should have progressed far beyond this, but I'm surprised at how many people I have seen mention an unsupportive spouse! Has anyone else noticed too many people say they have a spouse who does not support them?
Maybe I'm particularly independent because my Mom who is a nurse of 30 plus years, raised me as a single parent over half the time since my parents split and my Dad is a Merchant Marine? Maybe it is something about us New England gals? Maybe I'm simply soured from my divorce and have little faith in depending on men who do often leave when you least expect it! Sadly, even the most 'perfect' marriages fail. Maybe I'm extremely stubborn and just flat out refuse to feel like someone else has more control over my life than I do.
I just can't stand the thought of not being able to support myself or my children whenever I have them. I can't stand the thought of anyone standing in my way! and it ticks me off that so many people are fighting this battle they surely should not have to fight! I'm the kind of person who will fight ten times harder if you tell me no, and sometimes I wish I could donate some of my attitude problem to others who need support.
So here is my advice. Don't take that crap! Why should your spouse be the only one who receives emotional support for their career? or why should your spouse only support you if you do as they wish with your life? they shouldn't!!! Follow your Nursing dreams and anyone who truly loves you will find a way to be supportive, even if it is difficult for them at first. Do what you need to do to be able to support yourself and your children. Should you find yourself with out your spouse for any reason, you will be so glad you did. Having a nursing career is not a threat to anyone's family, manhood, relationship, or marriage if the spouse doesn't make it that way!
my hubs works very hard to support us so that i can put all of my energy and focus into nursing school and nclex prep AND gives me a backrub like 4x/week...not all spouses suck! i know, i'm very fortunate.
If a person is motivated and hell bent on their education and career then perhaps they should postpone getting married.
Being married is a committment to the spouse and to the family at large.
Not honoring that committment can and will lead to resentment by the spouse.
Of course every relationship is different, but in general if one spouse is seldom home the spouse who feels abandoned will seek a relationship with a third party......
There is absolutely no room in a relationship for selfishness.......
Now if the spouse is supportive and is behind you then that is awesome but to make unilateral decisions is unfair...
I’m not married, but a do have a long time boyfriend. I think it’s better to be honest. Communication is the key to any relationship, if you don’t support something your spouse does or is doing you should tell them. There’s usually a good reason someone’s not supportive, especially if you’re in a relationship with that person. My boyfriend has always been 100% supportive of me doing nursing school. He’s willing to do whatever it takes for me to succeed and I really appreciate that. On the other hand, he decided last year to go back to school. His dream is to be a police officer. That scared me because that’s a dangerous profession. I became unsupportive telling him that maybe he should do something safer for my own peace of mind. I was being selfish, but there was a good reason behind it. I love him and god forbid anything happen to him. We talked this over and I’m now 100% supportive of his goal. Getting all my concerns out and him listening made me feel better. I listened to him speak with such passion about protecting and helping people and it actually made me admire his decision. You need to find out the exact reason why someone is being unsupportive and work it out by talking AND listening.
I can see where a lot of spouses are concerned with nursing school. It takes a lot of time, work, and money. Most people with unsupportive spouses have children and households to run. If you’ve been married for a while and established a good household routine, there’s probably a lot of concern from the other spouse with having to change something that doesn’t necessarily have to be changed. I don’t think it’s because your spouse doesn’t love you or support your dreams, they probably just fear change, which people often do. Don’t give up on your dreams, but more importantly don’t give up your marriage or family for those dreams! Work together, communicate, and comprise with your spouse over the situation. If you’re unable to do those things your relationship was probably doomed from the start…
dragonfly seems very bitter. I suggest getting some talk therapy.
First let me address this. If anyone thinks I didn't seek some serious therapy after what happened, you're wrong. I'm not the least bit ashamed to say I spent plenty of time speaking with professionals and anyone who doesn't believe in therapy probably needs it the most! I would have never made it through what happened if I didn't. That is exactly how I was able to change my frame of mind from "I can't live with out him" to "yes I can live with out him, and I will be just fine". I'm not bitter. I'm smarter, I'm stronger, and I'm not going to neglect myself to meet the needs of an incredibly selfish spouse.
I'm not advocating that everyone leave their spouses or ignore the stresses of nursing school on the whole family. I recognize how hard it is, as many friends and classmates have families. I am thankful that I don't have children right now, and I do agree postponing marriage until after school is most definitely a wise decision if it is possible. Certainly many people return to school later in life. To me family and marriage is about getting through things together even if it is really difficult! It might not be easy for a spouse to pick up slack around the house or take more responsibilities for children, but it surely isn't easy for the person who goes to nursing school either.
Nobody who has a family goes to Nursing school with only themselves in mind and I think many spouses seem to forget that. I don't even have children yet, but part of the reason I am determined to complete nursing school is because I want to be able to give my kids a stable environment to grow up in. While someone is pining over how difficult it will be for them for you to go to school, did they ever stop to consider how hard it is for a Mom to be away from her children? Nursing school is most certainly a sacrifice for the student who successfully survives it.
Nobody goes to nursing school for fun! They go to Nursing school to be educated professionals who can enjoy their work and support their FAMILIES! Instead of being unsupportive because your spouse wants to go to nursing school and it will be difficult on family life, how about the spouse should be thankful that they have a partner who wants to bust their rear and complete nursing school so they can get a decent paying job to provide for their family? how about that!
Nobody said nursing school was easy for anyone involved, they said it would be worth it for everyone involved. If someone can't get past 4 semesters of extra housework and kid responsibilities how the heck are they going to get through an entire life of marriage? In the moment when your kids are running wild, the laundry is overwhelming, the bills need to be paid, and you still have to go to work while your spouse is in school that is undoubtedly tough. 10 years from now when your family is driving a more reliable newer vehicle, you live in a better neighborhood, you can pay your bills on time, and you can afford to take you kids to an amusement park on the weekend that spouse might feel differently about your choice to enter nursing school. It is all about the big picture, and I just can't understand why more people can't see that.
As far as a spouse being honest, I agree honesty is good. However, just because a spouse is honest doesn't mean they are right in being unsupportive. Just because the concerns of a spouse might be valid i.e. children, bills, housework, etc. does not mean they are correct in being unsupportive. I'm not advocating a unilateral move to nursing school, I'm saying I simply can't think of a good reason why a spouse should be completely unsupportive of their partner going to nursing school. There might be good reasons to wait a year, or good reasons to consider a different program, but there really are not good reasons to be unsupportive. If my spouse would prefer I make 20,000 a year at a job I hate for the rest of my life instead of 2 years of working together and struggling to make it work while I'm in nursing school, then I prefer to be single!
Thank you to everyone who is posting positive stories! I love it, and I hope the majority of nursing students who are in committed relationships have spouses just like yours! Nursing students with supportive spouses will be much more happy classmates to be around! Everyone deserves love and support in their pursuit of a nursing career!
All I know is that it was one heck of a lot easier as a single mom that now when I'm married. Husbands do the guilt trip thing, kids understand that you are doing your best, and they appreciate it.
A marriage is a relationship which means give and take on both sides. I feel like people need not judge others relationships. Usually you are only hearing one side, you have no clue whats really going on on the inside. I almost think its better if people don't respond to others marital problems because we probably make it worse with our comments/thoughts/ideas when we don't know the full scope. Also, what if this person complaining that their spouse wont support their Nursing School goal, how do we know that the person hasn't had flights of ideas and no carry through and now the spouse doesn't feel like supporting something that the other is unlikely to follow through on especially in these financial times. Just saying it is none of our business and all people are different so all relationships are different.
How true skylark! Kids are very able to adapt, and they do recognize a parents efforts. They might not understand enough of the details of adult life to fully appreciate your sacrifice when they are little, but I assure you as an adult daughter of a nurse I look back and feel extremely thankful for everything my Mom did.
Time and experience has taught me that if one spouse is complaining about the other being "unsupportive" (about anything) there is usually a lot more to the story.
People in a relationship don't exist in a vacuum.
Whatever the issue, if it is going to impact your family or partner an agreement needs to be reached, together, ahead of time.
Would you finance a car, plan a pregnancy or quit your job without your partner's input and (hopefully) agreement? Or do you expect blind support and an eagerness to pick up your slack or pay your debts?
If you're going to transfer a share of your burden, be it financial, time, housework, etc, if you expect your partner's support, they need to be on-board with the decision.
My cousin 'Linda' is a good example of not being privy to the details of an "unsupportive" spouse.
Linda's (current) *dream* is to be a special education teacher. Her "unsupportive" husband has insisted she work to pay for childcare and school, refuses to help out more around the house, refuses to pay for any of her school expenses to the point he's cut off access from their 'joint' credit cards. Her threads about these issues on the 'mommy boards' are filled with "you go grrl!" responses telling her that he's being abusive and she should just leave his controlling ***.
What none of her supporters know is that Linda's husband works 60 hours a week to support their family and pay off the of thousands of dollars in student and other loans that paid for Linda's ever changing *dreams* (she's up to THREE unfinished, unrelated degrees and 2 failed businesses). Linda's "unsupportive" husband works in IT doing the work of an engineer without the title and pay. He's darn good at what he does and their income could easily double if he went back to school to finish his degree. But he can't because Linda has placed her dreams ahead of her entire family.
I am going through this right now. I am a student at Excelsior in a joint program of a BS in Healthcare Management with a dual MBA. My husband thinks this is the way to go. I am currently waiting to hear this fall if I was accepted into my local college's nursing program. He has made it loud and clear that I am crazy to leave school and become a nurse. I understand his reasoning that he has given and I have a lot of respect for him. Thankfully I still have some time to think about it and there is no point getting too worked up until I even see if I get in.
I'm Leaving school to get into a nursing program also. Do what you feel is best.
I'm Leaving school to get into a nursing program also. Do what you feel is best.
I have the feeling that is what I will be doing also. It is hard to explain, but there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me nursing school is the way to go. I just cannot shake it. Good luck to you!
People change and grow or they dont. Just because a spouse does not get on board with a change that the other wants to make does not mean they are being unsupportive, it means they are not willing to ammend the implied contract.
That spouse that their life would be a certain way and now it is not going to be that way. Soo many times the relationship will need to end so that BOTH people can be happy. Life is short and the goal of life should be to be happy.
I think it is unfair to harshly judge the spouse that may not be down with the change.......
Nursing school is temporary. It is not a permanent change. I do not see any implied contract in marriage that says someone can't enter college just because they were not in college at the time of the marriage. In fact, I would argue that if there is an implied contract to marriage and parenthood, it is that you promise to do your very best to love, support, and provide for your family to the best of your ability under all circumstances. Giving up on an education you desperately want is not doing your spouse or your family any service. The only thing it will achieve is regret, unhappiness, and most likely resentment.
My feelings about others are based upon how they treat people. If someone walks this earth consistently mistreating people, you can bet your bottom I'll judge them all day. I believe the vast majority of people do the same or something similar. There are always exceptions, like kids cousin who sounds like a very misguided woman who should probably consider the needs of her family more. I'm not saying there are not exceptions, but I think those kind of stories about unsupportive spouses like 'Linda's' are the minority not the majority of student spouses.
We all have our opinions and our judgements, it is a matter of whether or not we are bold enough to express them or feel it appropriate to express them. It is not a matter of whether or not such judgements exist. What do we have if we don't have each other? If we can't put our best foot forward to treat the people in our lives with respect how can we expect anyone to respect us?
Marriage and parenthood do not solely define an individual. Surely, many of us wear many different hats not just the Wife or Mom/Dad hat. If someone's spouse doesn't respect their partners desire to be an individual outside of the marriage, I find it difficult to respect them. At the same time if someone compromises the well being or finances of their family in the process of chasing the chosen career of the month, I can't hold much respect them either.
I'm not irrational. I can clearly understand 'there are always two sides to every story" and sometimes the student may be a high maintenance selfish pain in the rear who expects far too much of their spouse, but do you honestly think the majority of people who feel their spouse is unsupportive are completely off base in expressing their frustration? I could be wrong, but my gut tells me that is not the case. A few invalid student perspectives does not negate the reality in which many spouses are un-supportive for completely selfish reasons.
trauma_lama, BSN
344 Posts
my hubs works very hard to support us so that i can put all of my energy and focus into nursing school and nclex prep AND gives me a backrub like 4x/week...not all spouses suck! i know, i'm very fortunate.