ok... I'm relatively new to this, but I have noticed several people posting about unsupportive spouses. What is up with that? I know this does happen despite the fact it is 2012 and we should have progressed far beyond this, but I'm surprised at how many people I have seen mention an unsupportive spouse! Has anyone else noticed too many people say they have a spouse who does not support them?
Maybe I'm particularly independent because my Mom who is a nurse of 30 plus years, raised me as a single parent over half the time since my parents split and my Dad is a Merchant Marine? Maybe it is something about us New England gals? Maybe I'm simply soured from my divorce and have little faith in depending on men who do often leave when you least expect it! Sadly, even the most 'perfect' marriages fail. Maybe I'm extremely stubborn and just flat out refuse to feel like someone else has more control over my life than I do.
I just can't stand the thought of not being able to support myself or my children whenever I have them. I can't stand the thought of anyone standing in my way! and it ticks me off that so many people are fighting this battle they surely should not have to fight! I'm the kind of person who will fight ten times harder if you tell me no, and sometimes I wish I could donate some of my attitude problem to others who need support.
So here is my advice. Don't take that crap! Why should your spouse be the only one who receives emotional support for their career? or why should your spouse only support you if you do as they wish with your life? they shouldn't!!! Follow your Nursing dreams and anyone who truly loves you will find a way to be supportive, even if it is difficult for them at first. Do what you need to do to be able to support yourself and your children. Should you find yourself with out your spouse for any reason, you will be so glad you did. Having a nursing career is not a threat to anyone's family, manhood, relationship, or marriage if the spouse doesn't make it that way!
Since you have children you might be more likely to get grants for school and you may be approved for student loans to help pay bills while you're in school. It stinks to take cost of living loans, but if it is the only way to go to school I would do it. GRE for nursing? are you planning to apply to a graduate program? I've never heard of ADN or BSN programs requiring a GRE test.
Thank you so so very much for the information. Yes, if I take an ABSN program, depending on the school, I may have to take the GRE since I already have a Bachelors Degree. Duke requires the GRE and Emory. Not sure of any others, but I know that UNC does not require the GRE. I will certainly apply for the grants and loans. Thank you.
I'm not sure about the possibility of grants with a prior bachelors degree. I am graduating this spring with a bachelors in health sciences and was told grants are done after your first bachelors degree. I was approved for 3500 this coming year in work study had I been accepted into nursing at my current school. This is what my 2013 financial aid offerings were based on the fact I will already have a bachelors degree. I have no idea what my package will look like for the school I was accepted at. I'm sure it will be different because it is a community college, not a state university. I'm almost 25 and I have no children. I'm not sure what if any student loans you already have, but considering the fact that you have 3 dependents you should get a decent aid package. There also maybe scholarships available.
Have you considered an ADN? I would seriously consider applying to an ADN program. I have all of my nursing prerequisites and I need 36 credits in an ADN. At a BSN I need somewhere around 60 credits even though I already have a bachelors degree. An ADN could save you a lot of money! As a new grad RN you make the same regardless of ADN or BSN. The difference is you need a BSN if you plan to pursue management. Some hospitals prefer a BSN, but hospitals are certainly still hiring ADNs. If I didn't have a previous Bachelors I wouldn't be going for an ADN, but at this point a BSN really doesn't make sense. Also, ABSN programs a extremely competitive... my 3.429 which I think is pretty good wasn't good enough.
[TABLE=class: PSGROUPBOX]
[TR]
[TD][/TD]
[TD] [TABLE=class: PSLEVEL1GRIDNBO]
[TR]
Award Description Category Offered
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD=class: PSLEVEL1GRIDODDROW, align: left] ESTIMATED PLUS and/or ALT Loan
i have to say im sorry for the way your life has gone in the beginning of adulthood, dragonfly. with that said, i see your point, but that is very hard to transfer over to someone who comes from a background of being financially dependent on their spouse. one who is in a committed marriage must take into account their spouses ability to take care of the bills and to also help with any other support and that also includes taking care of kids. that is a VERY big burden. since you have no children, you don't quite know the obligation and responsibility it takes to take care of a household, pay bills and make sure the kids who may or may not have their own school schedules as well are taken care of too. this can become very tiresome for just one person, and from my knowledge, nursing school, or anything that intensive and time consuming really takes away from the marital time and from the parental time as well. it may not be so much as a spouse 'getting in the way' of someone's dreams, as becoming too much of a strain on one person. i would suggest realizing how very lucky you are to be only one person and not have to figure out how to keep the bills paid on one income, how to pay for childcare, how to work nursing school, kids's school, and any extracurricular activities not to mention cooking, cleaning and general housework with the exception of what the other spouse contributes, and give the other spouse a break. btw i say this from the perspective of a 26 yo mother of 4, with an ex husband to deal with and a very loving and supportive fiance. do we fight? yes, is it stressful? hell yes, but he keeps chugging on and so do i.
I did think about doing ADN at one point and the have been on the waiting list two times in the past. I do know that when I spoke with two CC in my area, they told me that I could not get loans at a community college level, Why? who knows.Another thing, I am halfway done with a MBA , but my job has paid for that thusfar. That's why I chose for the Accelerated BSN program so that it is pretty quick to successfully get into the work field. I am quite sure that I will have to work part time a little bit, but I will do so. Just hoping that something comes along for my husband so that I don't have to stress too bad. I will definitely consider the ASN program though. I am really trying to get my foot in the door. If only I had hit the mega millions yesterday, I would be great. Wow, I didn't know that the pay is the same regardless of what type of degree a person has. That is very informative. I may certainly have to go with the cheapest route to start with. Thank you for the insight :-)
I'd rather have a spouse who is at least honest about being unsupportive than one who THINKS he's supportive (and says he is), but then shows you in 1,000 ways that he isn't. Ah, well ... marriage number three, finished. Dang. LOL. dragonfly414, sorry you had to endure Springer-esque drama, but I can see you're stronger for it.
Thank you, dragonfly414 for your candor! I agree with you 100%. I graduated with a degree in Criminology, and never got into the field, because after graduation, I just decided that it wasn't for me. A year later, shortly before I became pregnant, I realized that health care was for me, and I applied to nursing school. At first, my boyfriend thought it was a great idea. Then, reality hit. I started my first semester of full-time pre-reqs when my son was 7 months. I was commuting an hour to campus, working full time and going into the office on weekends to finish my work, studying at night with my son on my breast, and trying to do as much as I could fit into my 18-20 hour days. It wasn't long before he had a problem with it. I decided that I couldn't do a 40-hour work week anymore, so I quit my job for a 3-day weekend stint doing registration overnight in an ED. It was perfect...mommy had school and baby time all week, daddy stayed home on the weekends. Who was I kidding? I was woken up on the hour as I tried to recover from my night shift, with the rationale of "well, if you worked a normal shift like REGULAR people, this wouldn't be an issue." The negativity only grew from there...I was accused of doing nothing during around the house, even though it was always clean and dinner was made at the end of the day. When my milk supply dried up, most likely the result of inadequate nutrition and exhaustion, he actually said "you can't even feed your own son. what do you know?" The resentment became even more clear when I started hearing "why are you studying so hard...you're never going to finish school, anyway."
Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I was a new mom, taking AP I, chem, statistics and nutrition together with GREAT success, and still providing for my home...and apparently it wasn't enough. After a year and a half of dealing with that nonsense, I told him to bite me, took my son and left. Who needs that kind of negativity? Some people are just so threatened by other people's success that it turns from jealousy to hostility and resentment. I had to take a little time off to regroup and get myself situated, but I made it through. Now, four years later, I'm about to graduate with my BSN and a 3.4 GPA. I've had 4 interviews and prospects are GOOD. I still work and support myself, and have a soccer-playing five year old that just got accepted to the gifted and talented program, and I have a TRULY supportive man in my life. I'm not proposing that anyone in this situation get up and leave their spouse and take their kids, but seriously...something has to give. Your dignity and sense of self-worth is so much more important.
I had your attitude once as a single mom, working two full-time jobs AND going to college. I'm married now, which means, there is another person in my life I have to take into consideration. Some spouses have a hard time with change. Not every non-supporting spouse is that way for their own gain. Nursing school is truly life altering for spouses and children. Maybe the support is there; maybe the student attending nursing school simply doesn't prefer the support offered, wants more, or is difficult to please, and is the one having a hard time adjusting. If a family can make it through the bumpy roads of nursing school and come out intact, in my opinion, that family has attained many strengths that are simply not comparable to walking away when the going gets tough.
I get a mixed bag. Sometimes he is verbally supportive, but I still have full responsiblity for the house and kids. Since I started my pre-reqs Ive only been able to get student loans for 2 semesters because he would never do taxes. Im in a very ugly, scary place right now because of paying for nursing school on credit cards and my life savings is about gone. Im just living on fumes and a prayer until I graduate next month and get my first job.(hopefully wont take too long)
Stories of unsupportive spouses remind me how very fortunate I am. My husband has always been 100% behind me in everything I have done. When I doubted myself he was the one cheering me on and telling me there was nothing I could not do that I put my mind to. He was the one to give me a much needed kick in the can and the push I needed during my times of doubt. He is amazing. As I type this, he is in the grocery store (and took our youngest with him) shopping for the week. I told him I could do it (no tests to study for..amazing in and of it self) or I could go with him. He told me he'd do it, and for me to take the time he was gone to just relax, have a cup of coffee or just lounge on the couch. He has taken on so much more of the responsibilites (during my time in LPN school and now during my LPN to RN bridge) to the point where I feel guilty that he has so much to do. I've even voiced my concerns of feeling guilty and he just smiles and tells me he knows how hard I work both at school and at work and he is perfectly fine with taking on the added things. He's a keeper and my biggest cheerleader and support system. And I am his biggest cheerleader and support system, it goes both ways. Marriage should be a give and take where no one person does the majority of taking and not giving or vice versa.
Let me add, that I know 100% I can do whatever I set my mind to and need no man to get me through it. I am fiercely independent and hate relying on anyone for anything. But it sure is nice knowing I have my husbands full support.
I am so sorry to hear of the OP's experiences but want to give her a glimmer of hope..not ALL husbands are unsupportive and I hope that one day you find a man who will stand behind you and support you. You deserve someone who is there for you!
dragonfly414
68 Posts
Nurs2014, yes! your kind of story is exactly what I need to keep hearing!