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Hi,

This is the first time I've done this. Not expecting a reply particularly I just need some sort of outlet for all these frustrations. Does anybody else have problems with a completely unsupportive partner/spouse when it comes to their nursing career?

I'm a newly qualified nurse, only in my first post for 4 months in an ICU. I'm finding the whole thing very stressful, overwhelming and difficult to adapt to. I often come home crying or needing to vent about a difficult day. It's been putting strain on my marriage as I then often come home to an unclean house, no attempt at keeping on top of the washing and no attempts of dinner made. My husband's response to me today was how can I moan when I only work 3 days a week and have 4 off when he often will do a 7 day week (8 hour shifts). He keeps telling me to get into the real world and making me feel like I'm crazy for expecting/needing help. I don't think he appreciates how drained and exhausted I am this being my first job and the emotional toll a setting like ITU can have on someone. Or am I being crazy and need to get a grip?

Thank you :)

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

You are not crazy. Your feelings are normal and valid.

With that having been said, the people in our lives who have never worked as nurses will never understand what we experience on a day to day basis, so I feel it is a waste of effort to explain it to someone who is not open to listening.

For effective communication, both parties need to communicate, actively listen, and remain open to stepping into each other's perspective for a moment. A spouse who constantly insists, "Stop complaining" may not be open to your worldview.

I cannot pretend to have the answers to the issues that plague you and your partner. This forum is here for support, though. Good luck to you.

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Heh. You are not the only one to encounter this type of situation on the home front. My husband made it clear he didn't think I should pursue an education in general and nursing in particular. He had his reasons, but it didn't help things at home very much.

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Specializes in Adult and Pediatric Vascular Access, Paramedic.

Hi,

I can understand why you would be frustrated, but have you talked to your actual husband about these feelings? If so, how does he respond?

Maybe you guys could make a deal on who does what around the house and that you will split chores etc. If that doesn't work try just doing your own laundry and leaving his for him to do, making dinner for only yourself after he works all day, not cleaning the house on your day off, and the list goes on. That sounds childish, but it may be a last ditch effort to help him "get it"!

I'm not an expert, but to me this is a sign that there are deeper problems with your marriage than just who is doing the chores and helping out. Please seek counseling as both an individual and as a couple, otherwise you may end up part of the 50% statistic!

This is one reason why I love my simplified single life!!!!!

Good luck!

Annie

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Specializes in Adult and Pediatric Vascular Access, Paramedic.
Heh. You are not the only one to encounter this type of situation on the home front. My husband made it clear he didn't think I should pursue an education in general and nursing in particular. He had his reasons, but it didn't help things at home very much.

So did you? If so good for you for not listening! I feel like some men see it as a threat when a woman becomes no longer financially dependent on them!! I work on the ambulance and see the perils when married couples have children, get divorces, and mom has no education to now support herself!

I watched my mom experience this and having to depend on men to live comfortably financially and work two jobs, and I didn't want to have the same future!!

I dated a guy for about a year and we started talking about the future, to include children and he TOLD me that I would be a stay at home mom. I said, that is not what I want to be, he said that didn't matter that is what I would be and he did not want me to work if we had children together. That was my sign to run away, not walk!!!

Annie

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTACH, LTC, Home Health.

Neither of my husbands (term used loosely) stuck around for the career. They bailed at each degree-seeking pursuit. Ask me if I care. More rewards left for me.:smokin:

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The first year is tough no doubt but imagine if the situation was reversed. I don't think I could cope with a husband who came home often crying and venting with no apparent end in sight. Well actually I did have that relationship where I got to the end of my tolerance and lost all confidence in his ability to be a strong partner. I would have given anything had he been able to learn how to cope before I couldn't take it anymore.

In your case, you can't just up and lessen your learning curve at work but you can control how you respond to it. Sit down with your husband and tell him you've also had it with your crying and venting at home with a messy house as well and so with your FT nursing income you are going to get some help at the house, you are going to find a healthier way to cope with your ass kicking new career and then ask him participate in planning out how you will work together to have a happy working relationship where you love* each and get both of your needs are met.

*meant as a verb, not a feeling

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Specializes in NICU, RNC.

So he's working 56 hours a week with no days off?

This may not be a popular response, but I'm sure he is burnt out too! Unfortunately, when both spouses are stressed and burnt out, it's super easy to take it out on the other person. Sounds like you are jealous of his shorter (and possibly less stressful?) shifts, and he is jealous that you have days off where you can accomplish stuff. Both valid complaints. I can't imagine not having days off. Even when I was working 8-hour shifts, I desperately needed those days off! If my hubby had 4 days off and I had none, I would be LIVID if he expected me to be cooking and cleaning in the few hours of down time that I had.

What if you guys hire a cleaning lady to come in and do your laundry and cleaning? And is there maybe a nursing friend/mentor that you could vent to? Like a pp mentioned, he may never understand the emotional fatigue of nursing.

Good luck. I hope I didn't come off as harsh. It sounds like a difficult situation all the way around.

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The questions that come to my mind are

Is this a new behavior? Did he help previously or have you traditionally done all of these things?

is it that he doesn't want to do them because he has never had to? He sees it as women's work? Or is he afraid of your new independence? You have a new presumably well paying job and this threatens him in some way?

I would spend some time thinking about your relationship dynamics to determine if it is a new behavior.

In my experience people that have always helped will be supportive but some people are just lazy, threatened, or believe in traditional gender roles.

Once you you figure out which it is you can approach him and based on his response decide if you can live with the situation or if you need to move on.

ps I missed the fact he is working 7 days a week. Another explanation is that he is also tired and burnt out. Maybe discuss a cleaning lady as well. After all now you have two incomes.

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So you work 36 hours/week and he works 60 ish hours /week and you want him to cook and clean ! Good luck on that. Grow up, we all work hard no need to come home and cry. Find ways to infuse joy into your marriage and not burden that man with your sorrow after working 60 hours a week. I know I am not supportive but you need to hear the bitter truth.

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In no way do I expect him to cook and clean constantly when I have more hours off I was merely stating that I asked ONCE for some help today with something and the above was his response which was just a bit hurtful, that's all.

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Thanks everyone for your input and perspectives.

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