This is the first time I've done this. Not expecting a reply particularly I just need some sort of outlet for all these frustrations. Does anybody else have problems with a completely unsupportive partner/spouse when it comes to their nursing career?
I'm a newly qualified nurse, only in my first post for 4 months in an ICU. I'm finding the whole thing very stressful, overwhelming and difficult to adapt to. I often come home crying or needing to vent about a difficult day. It's been putting strain on my marriage as I then often come home to an unclean house, no attempt at keeping on top of the washing and no attempts of dinner made. My husband's response to me today was how can I moan when I only work 3 days a week and have 4 off when he often will do a 7 day week (8 hour shifts). He keeps telling me to get into the real world and making me feel like I'm crazy for expecting/needing help. I don't think he appreciates how drained and exhausted I am this being my first job and the emotional toll a setting like ITU can have on someone. Or am I being crazy and need to get a grip?
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
Our job IS hard and draining and can be super emotional, especially while you are still very new and learning to compartmentalize things. I think you both sound pretty stressed, which makes it difficult for either of you to be there for one another. Who works more or harder is never an argument to float or try to win...because ultimately NOBODY wins.
I would suggest you guys have a plan for meals and clean up. Refocus on approaching one another with compassion and more of a "we are in this together" attitude. Rough years of intense work and effort lead to a strong marriage if approached as it being a necessary evil for you both to achieve the dreams you have as a couple.
Seek out other nurses to vent to about work. I learned early that my venting about work rapidly made my husband anxious about his own safety or ability to trust should the day come that he would need medical attention. Our spouses are healthcare consumers, not healthcare workers, so our difficulties in our jobs shows the "other side" of healthcare that makes the public fearful. Combine that with a guy who is overworked in his own career and probably chronically fatigued, as well as just a guy, who in general tend to approach problems in a solution-oriented frame of reference....that is pretty much a script for a less than therapeutic reaction when you need to vent. Come here, make some nurse friends, call your mother or sister or whoever you enjoy a good gab session with if you just need to talk something out. Don't forget the benefits of things like walking, meditation, good nutrition and mindfulness to help you deal with stress and be sure you are giving yourself credit for the things you are doing right at work. Invest in some essential oils or get a massage a couple of times a month if you can afford it. Engage in meal planning once a week so that dinner together is something pleasant instead of stressful. Consider hiring someone to clean once a week or once every other week.
I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Hopefully this is just a glitchy night and you wake tomorrow feeling rested. Marriage is hard. Nursing is hard. Remember, control what you can.
The first year is tough no doubt but imagine if the situation was reversed. I don't think I could cope with a husband who came home often crying and venting with no apparent end in sight. Well actually I did have that relationship where I got to the end of my tolerance and lost all confidence in his ability to be a strong partner. I would have given anything had he been able to learn how to cope before I couldn't take it anymore.
Wow... This makes me feel SO grateful. I went through the emotional swing OP is going through as a new nurse. Feeling inadequate, scared to death, naturally a VERY anxious person. Came home daily (worked nights) dumped on my poor husband BEFORE he needed to go and face his day for over a year as a new nurse. Sometimes I was crying, sometimes I called him after being woken up in 4 hours by our dogs... crying. Gah. I must have been a basket case. I'll be honest, could NOT have tolerated that in him. When he drinks a bit much on occasion and gets emotional it is too much for me Wow... I'm a jerk.
My husbands response after he couldn't take anymore was to INSIST that I switch to day shift, which... honestly, resolved the issues. It's harder, but I get more sleep, which for me... means that I'm better prepared to handle whatever comes my way without tears at inappropriate times.
I disagreed and wasn't convinced when he insisted and gave it a try. I guess he was right (he often is, but he'll never read it here )
My husband has since been the recipient of similar treatment in the last 2 yeas from his best friend when a marriage went down hill, and from my brother... same circumstances. He loved both men as dear friends, and was/is a good listener, but from an outsider perspective, I see the toll that their emotional "dumping" takes on him.
Get the cleaning crew for the house. Solves the tit for tat on who should do the lion's share of housework. Quit comparing who has a harder job. No one wins. Yours is an emotional drain. He spends a lot more hours at work than you do. Both work hard. No one will win the argument and it's a waste of time to try.
An awesome idea. I've only been doing this for less than a year, but it helps SO much. I pay $80 for a lady to come and clean once a week. It's worth the to me, because it would take both of us much longer to get the same task done. Time is money. Also, she is much more thorough than I am, and the consistency of her coming weekly means that our house is clean at least ONCE a week, so it doesn't get too far behind. Wish I would have done this as SOON as we could afford it instead of waiting so long.
My opinion (to summarize) , put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine how he feels. That being said, temper your outward emotional response to what you feel that he can take. It's freaking TOUGH to be a new nurse. Overwhelming, emotional, stressful.. etc. Not everyone is tough enough to bear the emotional brunt that we bring home unfortunately. I was just lucky I guess and didn't realize it. Second... Hire a cleaning lady! That clean house, even if it's only once a week will provide much needed calm to your life. It's worth the $$!
You both sound exhausted. First thing is you guys are married, it's a partnership, both of you need to support each other and that means hubby needs help cleaning as well as you. I think the cleaning service is a good idea if you can financially afford it, just to give you guys some breathing room. You both work full time, regardless of how many days you actually work, it does not absolve him from pitching in. I got married young and it took my husband awhile to understand that when we work together on household chores, not only do I feel appreciated by him, our marriage is better. He may think its silly to load the dishwasher every time there is a dirty dish or clean the floor the minute there is a spill but it helps me out, once he understood that he was more than willing to help.
Have you had a heart to heart with him? You both just need to have an honest but kind conversation with each other about what each of you are going through and your frustrations with each other. Getting it all out in the open can be a relief and prevents resentment from building. Also, a previous poster asked if you are recently married, if you are I think that is the hardest time of a marriage. I have been married almost 8 years and only in the last few years have we really understood each other and what the other person needs as far as household duties and out of the marriage. Talk, get it all out, forgive, and move forward as a team is my best advice. And go on a weekend getaway, even if its a hotel down the road! It will do wonders for you both to have a day or two of relaxation. And you need an outlet to deal with your job, the first year of nursing is so rough. So maybe start treating yourself every few weeks to a massage, pedicure, yoga session or maybe even some talk therapy. Even if you are normally an emotionally sound person, talk therapy is great just to get you through tough situations without always having to "dump" on your partner.
Have you considered marriage counseling through your church or a counselor? No one will ever understand that 3 days of 12 hours is often much more exhausting than a traditional work week--don't try to win that battle. However, your complaint has nothing to do with nursing and more to do with your relationship. Yes ICU orientation is incredibly stressful. However, your underlying concern is about your husband's lack of support. Please consider seeking counseling or spiritual help so you can be successful with your marriage.
Specializes in Pediatrics, Women's Health, Education.
It sounds very stressful and I'm sorry for your pain. I just got finished reading the Five Love Languages and it's fantastic, I think it should be required reading for all couples.
Sorry to hear but a common story in our profession. I have found that so many of our sisters (and a few brothers) have the same problem with either a husband, boyfriend or significant other. The reasons are manifold and run the gamut from individual values, control, jealousy, education, self betterment and the demands this field puts on us individually and as a group. We have many single mothers in our fold because of this... I wish you well in your circumstance and hope that it resolves itself sooner than later.
Get a maid for the cleaning. She/He can come in every two or three weeks. It sound as if you have never worked before. Just because you have a job doesn't mean your spouse should suddenly start to cook and clean especially if he has a full time job too. It sounds to me like you are going through a maturational crisis. Step into your new role and do what you need to do to make it work. You made it through nursing school and NCLEX...You Got This! Good luck!
Hi newbie, I can positively say that you are not alone. I'm fairly new, 9mo. In med/Surg. But not a true Med/Surg. It's a cardiac, tele, observation, L2K, and everything else unit. I have 6 pts daily, some more acute than others. Long story short, I'm completely stressed out, and completely overwhelmed, and completely exhausted at the end of the day. And no one understands what my day was like. Unless you are a nurse, you can't understand the pressure and stress that we go through daily. I understand well now that burnout is real and is mainly do to the stress of daily work. My coworkers are great and everyone is very supportive, But staff shortages, and an impossible task load make for a very stressful day. It's a struggle to get through the day, then coming home wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Talk to your husband. Don't argue, talk. I know what you are going through or pretty close to what you are going through because I went through it. It sucks, but, the way you react to coming home will make a difference in the support you get from your husband. At least it should, I would hope he's somewhat understanding of your stress lvls etc...this is the exact reason I joined this site. This too is my first post, comment, or answer. When I read your post it struck home. This has caused a hell of a strain on my relationship. I'm a male nurse and of course I'm expected to "be a man" I hold things in and it's very unhealthy. I found that getting together with a fellow nurse, once a week and both of us unload. We go to breakfast, lunch or a dinner sometimes once a week or once every two weeks. It helps. I want to say things get easier, but so far they haven't. Tasks just get added, none taken away. What does get better is YOU! You get better and faster at task and how you manage yourself through time because we can't manage time, it manages us, but we can manage ourselves through time. Hang in there and just know, you can talk to me, and thousands of other nurses that do understand what you are going through!
I third the housecleaner comment. We have someone come in every two weeks to clean the house. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have a fairly understanding husband, and we had a similar issue to you - we both worked a lot and were tired. So we worked it out together. I still do the laundry and cooking, but we have a dog sitter on call for those days that he travels out of state and a cleaning lady to clean around the house. There are also cooking services. From time to time my husband and I subscribe to a local eatery where dinner is pre-made so it is still fresh and I just pick it up on my way home and pop it in the oven. It isn't cheap, but still cheaper than going out to eat, and often I have food leftover for lunch the next day.
In summary - there's nothing wrong with sourcing help from people outside your family!
Whether you work 8 or 12 hours, 3 or 7 days a week when your spouse gets home or you come home the first think you don't want to hear is "WHY IS THAT BIN ON THE COUNTER!". Seriously. Take some time. If you don't have kids...you have time...MAKE IT. Talk about expectations. I know my wife had expectations that I didn't know she had, and I had assumptions she could read my mind so I wouldn't say anything
If you're both working and there's no expectations, schedule, team meeting then no one knows WTF is going on an assumes the other person is responsible. If you don't have a team meeting at work/huddle/shift report then who has what patient? Who's starting IVs? No one knows what's going on.
In this ever expanding age of technology and information where the ideas, events, thoughts, and inventions of the world are at your fingertips we still don't understand that communication should be at the center. Learn it, use it, have a better life.
Divorce is my first thought because throw kids into the mix and who is going to be picking up that extra slack if the current state is pretty abysmal. Couldn't imagine that lack of support "until death do us part" if it were me. I doubt this person is willing to change either because it sounds like they are doing nothing and are okay with it by justifying their work week over yours as if you are a lesser equal. This quote always comes to mind [h=1]"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. "[/h]
Set some firm standards now or else..
I understand the need to vent, but cry? That's a bit much if its happening a lot don't you think?
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Wow... I'm a jerk. 
)
Nurse SMS, MSN, RN
6,843 Posts
Our job IS hard and draining and can be super emotional, especially while you are still very new and learning to compartmentalize things. I think you both sound pretty stressed, which makes it difficult for either of you to be there for one another. Who works more or harder is never an argument to float or try to win...because ultimately NOBODY wins.
I would suggest you guys have a plan for meals and clean up. Refocus on approaching one another with compassion and more of a "we are in this together" attitude. Rough years of intense work and effort lead to a strong marriage if approached as it being a necessary evil for you both to achieve the dreams you have as a couple.
Seek out other nurses to vent to about work. I learned early that my venting about work rapidly made my husband anxious about his own safety or ability to trust should the day come that he would need medical attention. Our spouses are healthcare consumers, not healthcare workers, so our difficulties in our jobs shows the "other side" of healthcare that makes the public fearful. Combine that with a guy who is overworked in his own career and probably chronically fatigued, as well as just a guy, who in general tend to approach problems in a solution-oriented frame of reference....that is pretty much a script for a less than therapeutic reaction when you need to vent. Come here, make some nurse friends, call your mother or sister or whoever you enjoy a good gab session with if you just need to talk something out. Don't forget the benefits of things like walking, meditation, good nutrition and mindfulness to help you deal with stress and be sure you are giving yourself credit for the things you are doing right at work. Invest in some essential oils or get a massage a couple of times a month if you can afford it. Engage in meal planning once a week so that dinner together is something pleasant instead of stressful. Consider hiring someone to clean once a week or once every other week.
I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Hopefully this is just a glitchy night and you wake tomorrow feeling rested. Marriage is hard. Nursing is hard. Remember, control what you can.