Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.
Further, your story WILL be regaled to hundreds of eager nursing students each year by one of the very humored nurses who helped get all of Nathan out of you. :D

What a waste of a yummy brand of hot dogs.

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Specializes in Hemodialysis.

Watermelons do i fact contain water..

Just a lil note: Im a dialysis nurse, watermelons are clearly water and a hell of a lot of potassium. I learned this after a patient had a K of 7.2 and fluid overload and ended up in a ER. Good times.

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
do not use a pager on vibrate as a sexual device. it will not come out with the use of kitchen tongs and you will end up requiring stiches to repair the damage from the tongs and pager.
that's a new one on me.
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If you are feeling very depressed, do not drink a bottle of wine, take a (possibly) token overdose, and drive at 2 am to the clinic that helped you last time you felt so bad, while cutting yourself en route.

The clinic does not accept 1) walk-in 2) trauma 3) intoxicated patients. The nurse and the EMTs remember the clinic nurse who was killed when a drunken patient tried to self-admit at 90 mph.

You can skip the scarring/infection risk/stigma, the chance of killing anyone you met en route, the unsympathetic nurse and the groggy EMTs by going directly to the nearest ER and telling them you are very depressed and thinking of hurting yourself, because that's where you end up anyway, with a gastric lavage as lagniappe.

They will admit you. Really.

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Specializes in Education and oncology.

Glad this post is still going, some of the examples had me on the floor. Visuals around hotdogs- can't get that out of my head!

Some more examples of what *not* to do:

Don't use syringe from home to withdraw dilaudid from iv drip and give at your preferred rate.

Don't get caught doing the above by the MICU team doc evaluating your for transfer for higher doses of fentanyl drip.

Please don't call your mom in to yell and scream at the nurse caring for you when you were caught red handed doing above. :argue:

BTW, note to attending MD. Yes, he really did do this. I'm glad he apologized to you, but I'm the one whose nursing license in on the line if he over estimates his ability to handle narcs and OD's on my watch. We ain't caring for him again. Period. :angryfire

BTW, what is "car surfing?"

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Specializes in Home Care, Hospice, OB.

if you are a very pale tourist from the british isles visiting florida, do not spend an entire june day in a bikini by the pool without sunscreen.

yes, "just" a sunburn can get you admitted to the hospital, especially when you have 2nd degree burns over 82% of your formerly pasty white body.

yes, we know that you wanted to see more than the inside of your room while on holiday. please share this experience with the folks back home, and learn what "spf" stands for.:mad:

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Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..

btw, note to attending md. yes, he really did do this. i'm glad he apologized to you, but i'm the one whose nursing license in on the line if he over estimates his ability to handle narcs and od's on my watch. we ain't caring for him again. period.

woo, don't blame you.

if you are a very pale tourist from the british isles visiting florida, do not spend an entire june day in a bikini by the pool without sunscreen.

yow.

then again i am a very pale resident of maine but i've done some stupid non-spf stuff in my day. like sun poisoning in april while spring skiing, my eyes were swollen totally shut, my face was puffed out to "here", and i was sick as a dog.

i've also done the "lay on the beach all day because my friends do it and get brown" thing. course i was much younger and the sun was a little kinder then too. still - i preferred to laughed at for being beet red than for being pale as a ghost.

kids are dum eh?

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BTW, what is "car surfing?"

Car surfing is when someone rides on the roof of a car while a "friend" drives like a maniac, and other "friends" tape the event. :banghead:

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.
Car surfing is when someone rides on the roof of a car while a "friend" drives like a maniac, and other "friends" tape the event. :banghead:

Some friends.

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Oh man, these are just a few I've learned as a UNIT CLERK.

Just because someone dares you to insert the handle of a wooden kitchen spoon into your member doesn't mean that you are obligated to...and you definitely shouldn't.

If your boyfriend has a genital piercing and you are on your period, do NOT forgot this tiny fact and try to have sex anyway while your tampon is still in place. You won't find it amusing, but the staff sure will.

When angry because the ER doctor refused to write you a script for narcs (which you requested by proper pharmaceutical name), don't take your shoe off and proceed to stick it in the elevator and wait for the door to close. Seriously, the narcs are not worth it!

When someone in the hospital has called to inform you that your girlfriend has been stabbed in the abdomen, your reply probably shouldn't be "Which girlfriend?"

When 8 months pregnant, do not ride on the back of your new boyfriends crotch rocket, especially if you aren't going to bother to wear a helmet. And after you make it to the ER, don't tell them that the reason you didn't wear the helmet was because it would mess up your hair.

Four asprin and a wine cooler does not constitute an overdose, and will not win your ex-girlfriend back.

Raccoons are not domestic animals, and should not be treated as such.

Oh, the things I see in patient records...

OH WAIT, BEST ONE!

When angry because you've been sitting in the ER waiting room for 5 hours just to try and get a work excuse because you'd rather have a 3-day weekend to spend drinking in Mexico, it's not advisable to vent your anger by throwing lukewarm coffee on the Unit Clerk. She'll get revenge.

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Specializes in OB.
Woo, don't blame you.

YOW.

Then again I am a very pale resident of Maine but I've done some stupid non-SPF stuff in my day. Like sun poisoning in April while spring skiing, my eyes were swollen totally shut, my face was puffed out to "here", and I was sick as a dog.

I've also done the "lay on the beach all day because my friends do it and get brown" thing. Course I was much younger and the sun was a little kinder then too. Still - I preferred to laughed at for being BEET RED than for being PALE AS A GHOST.

Kids are dum eh?

Have done the same thing myself but fell asleep on the beach - face down. Ended up with large blisters from the neck to my feet. You'd think someone might have noticed the red hair and (formerly) fish belly white skin and at least woke me up to burn the other side!

I've also discovered the hard way that the thinner air at altitude can lead to burns even when one wouldn't expect it (wearing suncsreen), that one can get a burn on their calves from reflected sunlight off rocks while hiking and that you should never drive across the desert with one elbow hanging out the open window of your truck - leads to a very strange version of "trucker's tan" and difficulty bending that arm for several days.

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Don't expect the nurse to feel sorry for you when you complain about the horrible taste of the lactulose we need you to drink to prevent hepatic encephalopathy.

To quote Nurse Ratched: "If you won't take it orally, I'm sure we can find some other way for you to take it."

(we don't have a mooning smiley)

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