Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Do not use a pager on vibrate as a sexual device. It will not come out with the use of kitchen tongs and you will end up requiring stiches to repair the damage from the tongs and pager.

:chuckle:chuckle:chuckle

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Specializes in Retired OR nurse/Tissue bank technician.

While in the midst of a shoulder reduction, if you need more Versed, just say so. Delivering a kick to your nurse's knee will not have the desired result, especially if that same nurse has recently endured a kick from a horse to that same knee. You may find that your MD's attention quickly shifts away from you and focuses on the nurse.

:mad: One time during physio for an injured knee, the PT jumped up and sat straddling the table I was on and started massaging the muscles and tendons in my leg.

He hit a particularly tender spot and my leg reflexively straightened-kicking him square between the legs.

He hopped off the table and was jumping around, trying not to make noise so as not to arouse the suspicions of his staff and cause him to have to undergo much teasing.

Once he regained his composure, he hopped back up on the table, this time sitting sideways, with the comment it was a good thing he and his wife didn't want any more children.

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Specializes in nursery, L and D.
:mad: One time during physio for an injured knee, the PT jumped up and sat straddling the table I was on and started massaging the muscles and tendons in my leg.

He hit a particularly tender spot and my leg reflexively straightened-kicking him square between the legs.

He hopped off the table and was jumping around, trying not to make noise so as not to arouse the suspicions of his staff and cause him to have to undergo much teasing.

Once he regained his composure, he hopped back up on the table, this time sitting sideways, with the comment it was a good thing he and his wife didn't want any more children.

:yeah::lol2::lol2: Smart man not to make any noise, do you know how long people remember things like that?

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Specializes in Retired OR nurse/Tissue bank technician.
:yeah::lol2::lol2: Smart man not to make any noise, do you know how long people remember things like that?

Forever and ever, amen sounds about right.

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Specializes in hospice.
If you must smoke, please don't light your cigarette while your oxygen is on....

Something similar happened at one of our local hospitals. A patient was hooked up to oxygen, and had a visitor who oh-so-kindly brought him cigarettes. And matches to light them with.

I'm thinking that having almost thirty other patients evacuated, 4 of them treated for smoke inhalation, the $14,000 in damages to the hospital and the man's subsequent death were probably not worth it. Just guessing.:nono:

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Something similar happened at one of our local hospitals. A patient was hooked up to oxygen, and had a visitor who oh-so-kindly brought him cigarettes. And matches to light them with.

I'm thinking that having almost thirty other patients evacuated, 4 of them treated for smoke inhalation, the $14,000 in damages to the hospital and the man's subsequent death were probably not worth it. Just guessing.:nono:

So glad it's against the law to smoke indoors here......

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ya gotta hand it to ém for persistence!!!!

This reminded me of the time we had a frequent flyer in our psych dept. come in and want a bed. He was generally admitted for ETOH abuse - and for once he wasn't drunk - so they told him they couldn't just admit him whenever he wanted a bed. So he walked across the street - called 911 - told them he was having 'suicidal ideations', got picked up - and got a bed. Do you suppose he'd learned by then how to manipulate the system?:rolleyes:

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Specializes in hospice.
So glad it's against the law to smoke indoors here......

Oh it's illegal here, too. Just proves how, um, how shall I put this kindly, not-so-smart some people are.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

I've learned amateur videos are fun enough~ but please do not use frozen hotdogs in one of your scenes because the storyline may end early and you will have a lot of 'splainin to do to the attending. :coollook:

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Specializes in Hospital Education Coordinator.

Do not call the triage nurse to ask the symptoms of AIDS because your 2 year old found a used condom under the bed of the motel where you were staying since evicted from your apt. and you discovered it in his mouth.

Do not call the triage nurse to request she phone the ER to let them know you are in the lobby and should be seen ahead of other patients.

Do not call the triage nurse and explain your child fell in the bathtub, explain in detail the event, then when asked about how he is doing now reply "I don't know. He never woke up after that".

Do not call the triage nurse to ask if EMS really has to be called when the child is seizing or is there a home remedy to use instead?

Do not bring weapons to put between your legs in the hospital. Nurses are really not that dangerous to patients. Some even attempt to help them.

Do not ask for more morphine when what you really need is attention to the abdominal wound that is hemorrhaging because you were told not to get out of bed but could not resist walking across the room to put your hand into the sharps box to get some freebies.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.
I've learned amateur videos are fun enough~ but please do not use frozen hotdogs in one of your scenes because the storyline may end early and you will have a lot of 'splainin to do to the attending. :coollook:

Further, your story WILL be regaled to hundreds of eager nursing students each year by one of the very humored nurses who helped get all of Nathan out of you. :D

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Specializes in ICU.

Do not drop your daughter who is threatening suicide off in the parking lot next to the ER and tell her to check herself in, especially not when there is a very tall parking garage next door.

Never ever ever car surf. Also, if your best friend does decide to car surf while you are driving, don't slam on the brakes as soon as he gets up there.

Don't fake unresponsiveness and seizures after an endoscopy. The nurses may call your out-of-state family and tell them you had a stroke. You will be transferred to the ICU where you just can't fake stuff (no matter how good you are). And your family will be very angry about how much it cost to get to your bedside.

Don't yell at me when your husband/daughter leaves AMA because the doctor won't order enough dilaudid/morphine. I'm not a jailer.

Don't try to use your 6'5" frame to intimidate me into giving you more dilaudid unless you enjoy the company of surly security guards.

Don't complain to the charge nurse that I'm being a *****. She will just assign the real ***** to you.

Love this thread.

:chuckle

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