Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jun 10, 2005

Never light your grill with gasoline just because you ran out of lighter fluid, and didn't want to buy more when the gasoline was more easy to access. You just might wake up in the hospital with a huge second to third degree burn on your entire lower torso, with a lengthy and very painful stay in said hospital.

Never ever drink an entire quart bottle of wine, then go visit your sister with your alcoholic wife and baby boy who born with fetal alcohol syndrome with you, and sneak into your sister's medicine cabinet and find some sleeping pills that your sister had for her grandmother who she cared for prior to her death, and take a handful. You just might scare the bejeepers out of her, causing her to think you look like you are already dead, and her taking your alcoholic wife and FAS nephew down the highway going 100 mph to keep up with the ambulance you are in just to save your life. Then you will wake up in a hospital bed with a guard outside your door, get a visit from a psychiatrist, and an alcoholics counselor, and be forced to go to rehab for a couple weeks, and either take a parenting skills class or lose custody of said son until you prove yourself worthy of taking care of your baby boy. It honestly hurts your sister to see such shenadikins out of you, and she doesn't deserve that.

Rosie- · Jun 23, 2005

If you are a 400-lb. diabetic, it is inadvisable to fall asleep with your dentures in the bed, lest they be found two days later buried deep in your left buttcheek.
Puts a whole new twist on that ole saying "Bite my arce!!" doesn't it? :roll :roll

It's amazing where tv remotes can be found weeks later. (600 pounder that came to us in the nursing home from the hospital.)

ConkyTonker · Jun 23, 2005

What have patients taught me NOT to do? Here's one...DO NOT run from the law. Even if you don't get shot/tasered/whatevered, you MAY fall down a freeway overpass hill and break your leg or more, only to find yourself handcuffed to the bed at County and still get arrested anyway, only with more charges.

Or how about this one...DO NOT swallow illegal drugs in special capsules for hire. You will get caught if you don't die during your entrepreneurial endeavor. You will end up passing them in a special potty with DEA guys looking on. Not only that, but your poo will be placed in this special centrifuge from which said capsules will be extracted and bagged into evidence. When you are finished, you will go to jail, be deported, or maybe both.

Live, laugh, love,

Jenny

Rosie- · Jun 25, 2005

I have them much more often lately than makes me comfortable. I've been in nursing for a very long time.. 27 years. was emt, lpn and now RN and am getting the to the point of being totally fried. But the laughs do help. Can I suggest seeing your doc or a counselor to get you through this bad period cause it will get better if you can get yourself through it.

Hugs Rosie

OH MY GOSH....bless all of you out there with your lesson's learned....I must be very ill because I have been sitting here laughing for over an hour at 3:00 a.m.......No, really it's a blessing because I cried today at work and cried on the way home and couldn't sleep because I kept thinking how I suck at this job.....but now, I feel better (really I think I am a sick person) G'night

ellescorpio · Jul 21, 2005

Most important of all NEVER NEVER NEVER try to involve your home health nurse in a menage a trois by having your wife stand blocking the doorway talking dirty while you attempt to rub your genitals with your good hand! I felt soooo used.:imbar

OMG what did you do?

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · Jul 21, 2005

A little boy I worked with had this happen. He wasn't smoking, obviously, but his mother put kerosene on his hair (he had the most gorgeous dreadlocks, and she didn't want to shave them off) and he wandered into the kitchen, and the gas stove was on. Very, very bad. He lost half his face and a few fingers, but he's going to be okay. I believe this is a regional/folk medicine thing. Olive oil works just as well.

I've had a few little elderly people that had the butt itch, thought it was worms and drank kerosene to get rid of them.

Talk about lighting your farts.

dinkymouse · Jul 21, 2005

Don't use hardware tubing to self cath yourself-it may get twisted in knots and you'll need emergency surgery.

More important don't do it again, get septic and tell your doctor its from a sinus infection.

Don't tell people you put a cigar up your butt cuz you have a nicotine addiction. We'll laugh at you. :rotfl:

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jul 21, 2005

Do not drink a fifth of whiskey and then decide to clean your hunting rifle........GSW's to the knee really hurt when the ETOH wears off. :rolleyes:

doularoz · Jul 22, 2005

If you are having breastfeeding problems it will not help for the FOB to pump his own breasts. Not a pretty sight!

bassRN · Jul 22, 2005

Never try to steal anhydrous ammonia from a large farm tank at 2AM while high on meth. After arriving at the ER do not try to leave AMA by running out the ambulance bay door, skin hanging from face and arms, with only a bath blanket on after the decon shower. Even after the police return you to the ER since you lost the bath blanket half way through the parking lot do not think yelling at the nurses will get you home any sooner.

Worst part is this patient later signed out AMA as she was alert and oriented and not placed under arrest!! :bugeyes:

prmenrs, RN · Jul 22, 2005

If you are having breastfeeding problems it will not help for the FOB to pump his own breasts. Not a pretty sight!

Justice will be served if Dad has been hanging around giving gratuitous and patronizing advice will Mom is trying to get a fussy baby latched on. Mom probably told him if he knew so much about it, do it himself!!

Serves Mr. Know-it-all right!! :rotfl:

Adam D. RN2005 · Jul 22, 2005

If you are having breastfeeding problems it will not help for the FOB to pump his own breasts. Not a pretty sight!

Did the dad really try to pump his breasts?:rotfl: Oh my god, that is too funny!!!

Adam D., RN

Passed the boardson 7/18/2005!!!