Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Works2xs · Jul 22, 2005

While helping a motorist who's broken down on the highway, at night, and an oncoming car appears to be headed toward you, make danged sure the guardrail you're hoping over isn't attached to the side of a bridge. You just can't count on those leaves in the dried-up creek bed from breaking your 100+ ft fall the next time.

Palms make a cruddy cutting board for slicing bagels/muffins/onions, etc.

When asked, "do you have any allergies?" Resonding with "tubes!" will not stop the doc from intubating you.

Barfing out the back window on the driver's side of the car is not advisable when said driver is similarly drunk. Heads make a lousy bumper when he sideswipes a car going the opposite way.

If you are an overweight smoker with high blood pressure, it's probably a good idea to get your doc's "OK" before you take up running.

Shaking police pursuit by suddenly stopping with the assistance of a large tree, bridge support, or other immovable object never fools the cops.

bemory · Jul 23, 2005

dont let an epileptic prostitute give you oral sex.

klondike bars inserted in the lady parts will give you a nasty frostbite

your not pregnant if you inserted 5 lbs of crack into your lady parts

God wont love you more if you try and kill yourself in a church by setting yourself on fire.

when a nurse asks you what your doing when you have chest pain, its very noble for you to say "I believe it was either cocaine or meth"

dont complain to the nurse that your coffee got cold because you couldnt reach it to drink it then tell her (him) that next time it should have more sugar.

its a good idea to know how to spell the name of your baby especially when its your name too.

When you are 15 and high risk because your giving birth to twins, dont be caught having sex in the bathroom shower, your bed, your roomates bed, the stairwell and the doctor conference room. If thats not enough, its better to have sex with just one partner instead of different guys each time!!! Doesnt anybody go to school?

when you are really tired after a long night at the bar, dont drive your car headfirst into a police car...especially if you have a warrent out for your arrest

dont fake a heart attack in prison and then slip notes for the nurses to give him drugs to bring back for the guys. You might up finding yourself in jail a little longer.

all those patients that bring bibles in to read- are not necessarily Christian. I had a patient who while reading his bible told me that if he had his stregth still he would put his hand between my legs. :uhoh21:

doularoz · Jul 25, 2005

Did the dad really try to pump his breasts?:rotfl: Oh my god, that is too funny!!!
Adam D., RN
Passed the boardson 7/18/2005!!!

Yes, unfortunately I got to to see it for myself. They were teenagers and I guess he thought it would feel neat or something. They took a shower together later that day. I bet she was pregnant at her 6-week check-up!

mandrews · Jul 25, 2005

Catering a crawfish boil while intoxicated can lead to a nasty groin burn.

Don't even ask for the doctor to prescribe you a vibrator no matter how long you will be admitted or how long your mans been in the pen.

Complaining to everyone in nursing, maintenance, nutrition, and houskeeping will not get you a vibrator.

Don't go AMA when you've already used every doctor in town.

Don't have relations when you are wearing a tampon.

Billiegirl · Aug 9, 2005

Watch out for those "two guys."

Never take 500mg of Tylenol and call 911 for the second time this week.

On the opposite, if one bottle of Tylenol doesn't work for a headache don't open the second one.

Don't climb on the roof while intoxicated to fit a loose shingle.

Don't insist your seven year stays in the room during your pelvic exam. (Poor kid)

If your a frequent flyer "writhing" in pain don't come out of the room a minute later to threaten the tech because she didn't get you another pillow.

A cell phone is hard to remove from a rectum.

Survive an 80mph accident with only scrapes then insist we give you another car before your drug screen comes back.

DO NOT threaten a doctor/nurse/tech/or security guard

The hamster in the rectum is not an urban legend. (Funniest X-Ray I have ever seen)

Wow I have learned a lot! :chuckle

ClaireMacl · Aug 10, 2005

If a new ED nurse gives you a pot and asks for a specimen, don't return with the pot filled with a gelly looking white substance :rotfl:

If you think you had your drink spiked, waiting 4 days to present probably won't give you the answer.

If you are high on alcohol and hash and have just crashed your bike and are under arrest, its probably not a good idea to ask the nurse to tell you a joke.

jillyk*rn · Aug 10, 2005

You 14 year olds - admitted for "abdominal pain" - that cute little thing on ultrasound is in fact a baby (yes, I know, you have never had sex :uhoh3: ).

Don't visit your child in the hospital while you are drunk, high, etc (we nurses don't like this :angryfire ) - if you do visit and continue to be nasty to the nice nurses - we WILL have you arrested :nono: .

Be careful while working night shift...on peds..walking into private rooms...you never know what you will catch parents doing :imbar .

Don't tell your child how mean we are for starting an IV, etc (we will forgive the child...not you :angryfire ).

Don't-under any circumstances-visit your baby with your boyfriends while the baby's daddy is there with his girlfriend.

:crying2: Shaking your newborn will not make it stop crying

Billiegirl · Aug 11, 2005

Got off shift, I have more:

If your a 14 y/o 'virgin' don't have us explain why you have almost every STD in the book and are 4mo. pregnant. :redbeathe

If you have to be 650+ lbs please don't bring your 500+ husband on his scooter with you and tell the staff about the great fried chicken diet your both on.

If you happen 650+ pt please don't scream when we insert a cath. because trust me we have a bigger reason to scream. Gawd the smell!!! :crying2: :bowingpur I have to go wash my scrubs again.

Again if you are said pt. please don't tell me your not nauseous and then proceed to vomit on me. :barf01: I think my scrubage will have a third wash.

Don't tell your wife that your drunk because the vitamins you took this morning. :beercuphe

Please don't go see a medicale doctor (I didn't misspell) because you can't get an erection. But if you must don't let him inject you with unknown substance. You will enjoy a helicopter ride. I will enjoy going to the helipad (love that part.)

I really don't need to see your a member when I take you to X-Ray. I also don't need you telling me you need to release your sexual frustaration. But you will need a cath without lube. :devil:

Keep these up I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

Billie

tramalady45 · Aug 14, 2005

WHOA!! You've learned more than me!!
Never...NEVER..get off the top bunk with an erection, and slip, hitting your manhood on the bed post! :imbar

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: My fiance didn't think that was funny-BUT I SURE DID!!!

babynurselsa, RN · Aug 15, 2005

Do not attempt to self-perform your hemmoroidectomy in the ER waiting room with your packet knife. Makes it hard to sit in the group therapy sessions on the psych unit.

Your rectum is a bad place to hide your knofe when you check in for emotional problems. This can also cause a nasty infection.

Those big clippies are for office papers not to staunch the bleeding on your scrotum when your attempt at self-cautery failed using the soldering iron on the small hematocele that you popped.

psalm, RN · Aug 16, 2005

...got called in to ask for help in tying pj bottoms to male cath to "keep everything in place". Had quite a time untying and explaining that the cath was the "correct" length. WHEW!!

goats'r'us, ASN, RN · Aug 20, 2005

ok. took me four hours to read this from start to finish, and i had to go get takeaway for tea halfway through. thanks for the laugh, and, as i'm new to this nursing caper, thanks for the lessons!