Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

TDub, MSN, EdD · Jun 3, 2005

Oh, please, spare us the details.
:barf01:
WAy too gross.

Very sorry--forgot myself.

kadokin, ASN, RN · Jun 3, 2005

You guys have had me cracking up with these! I especially like the "do not invite all possible baby daddies to the delivery room". It kind of reminded me of a cousin of mine who came to Christmas Eve at my grandma's one year, and was joined by her ex-husband (first 2 children's daddy), ex-boyfriend (second 2 children's daddy) and her new boyfriend (daddy of the child she was pregnant with). My grandma told her two of the guys had to leave. Tonya

Dear Tonya,

Don't our elders have a storehouse of wisdom? Besides which, how many did your cousin RSVP for? There's at least one in every family isn't there? God bless your cousin and help on her journey. She's going to need it.

kadokin, ASN, RN · Jun 3, 2005

Every SINGLE TIME any man i dated said the dreaded phrase "I know what i'm doing", we wound up in the ER. One or both of us walks out in a sling or Ace bandage.

Marie, I have been enjoying your posts for a long time. Keep up the good work and the humorous (sp?) attitude. Nothing can stop you when you can see the lighter side of things. Love the avatar, I laugh every time I see it!

Roy Fokker, BSN, RN · Jun 5, 2005

I read that someone here wanted to know what "Baker Acted" meant.

I think it stems from "Florida's Baker Act, which empowers officials, such as police, doctors and judges, to act in cases where patients pose a danger to themselves or others."

cheers,

gapeach674 · Jun 6, 2005

DON'T place an unpopped kernel of popcorn in you ear on a dare to see if it fits, because it fits and requires emergency surgery to remove it! :imbar

DON'T underestimate the strength of the 75 year old Alzheimer's patients, because she WILL place you in a head lock and proceed to pull your hair out by the handfuls. :smackingf

You're 8y old and your 6y old sister are playing golf in the front yard, when she says watch out you had BETTER look out, because you get hit and scream "she knocked my eye out" after her swinging the club like a baseball bat! Luckily, only a few sticthes were required to the cheekbone :chuckle :lol_hitti

DON'T pump up a BB pistol up to max potential, and place your hand at the end of the barrel, thinking the chamber is empty. (Hubby has had a BB in his hand since he was 11y) :rolleyes:

BTW love the stories!!!

psychonurse · Jun 6, 2005

Do not try to jump from a fourth floor stairway and go head first...this was fatal to be sure.

Do not put Tinactin on a abrasion made by playing baseball, the nurse will get a big thrill out of taking a scrub brush to clean the wound out and get all the cream out of it all the while the patient is screaming his lungs out...

Do not get drunk and bring in your charcoal barbeque in the house and light it with all the doors and windows closed (it puts off carbon monoxide).

Do not take someone elses Dilantin cause you heard that it can feel like you are haveing and LSD trip...cause if you take enough it will be the last trip that you will ever take.

Do not use a pair of twissers to cut off your testicles even though you don't want them anymore. The female nurse that has to hold them to stop the bleeding might hold them a little harder than you might like.

Don't get drumk and fall alseep near some railroad tracks, you might wake up with both your legs gone..and you in the hospital...

Thanks for getting this thread alive again...it is great

nurseklw72 · Jun 8, 2005

Here's a few from me:

Do not pour apple juice in your urinal because you don't want another foley placed because you are unable to pee after the first foley was removed. Nobody's pee ever smells as sweet as apple juice.

Do not smoke while putting kerosene on your hair to remove lice.

Do not use grape jelly in place of KY jelly as a lubricant in "special" places because you couldn't find the KY at the store.

Also, do not use fragrant lotions for the same purpose.

Do not jump in front of someone with a gun trying to shoot another person with a shotgun. The resulting hole is huge and requires months of packing.

Do not come to the ER & c/o chest pain, get admitted to a telemetry floor & proceed to tell the nurse that the pain started in your toe and worked it's way up and by the way you're allergic to all pain meds except morphine. :uhoh3:

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Jun 8, 2005

1. regarding vibrators in the wrong place: our ER doc puts on discharge instructions: next time buy a corded model so cord can act as an escape route.

2. if you're a police officer and especially a motorcycle cop, first, you shouldn't be writing ER and ICU nurses tickets in the first place. But, if you insist, and the ICU nurse threatens to place a 22FR foley in you when you eventually come to see her, DO NOT try to arrest her for threatening you. First, you might find that your officer in charge won't book her, and next, you might find it difficult to live down filing a complaint because your member was threatened.

3. If you are putting an 86 yr old man who is confused and just walked out of his IV back to bed, and you see the butt of his 9mm sticking out of his jeans (this was 11pm after being admitted at 9am ---- why did he still have jeans on beats me), and you remove the weapon to find it loaded w/ no safety, BEFORE you restart the IV, have security check him and remove the knife from 1 boot and the $1900 cash from the other.

4. On your first day as a GN, when your unstable patient on the bedside commode needs to be balanced, and you kind of squat facing away from the smell while supporting him with your hand on his knee, when he has a vagal reaction and falls pulseless on top of you, if you push up through him to throw him back to bed while you push the code blue button, the resultant thump and time to recover from the vagal event may have him waking up just in time for the code team to arrive, thereby getting you labeled, "rookie".

What a great thread.

~faith.

elizabells, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2005

Do not smoke while putting kerosene on your hair to remove lice.

A little boy I worked with had this happen. He wasn't smoking, obviously, but his mother put kerosene on his hair (he had the most gorgeous dreadlocks, and she didn't want to shave them off) and he wandered into the kitchen, and the gas stove was on. Very, very bad. He lost half his face and a few fingers, but he's going to be okay. I believe this is a regional/folk medicine thing. Olive oil works just as well.

gapeach674 · Jun 9, 2005

Don't use a dremel tool to "clean your teeth", you'll end up with a bloody smile.(true story):uhoh21:

Don't use a nail gun without a safety, unless you wish to have emergency surgery to remove the nail from your knee.

Waking your sister in law (nurse), telling her you have chest pain and CAN NOT breathe when you fell (three days earlier) 25 feet from a ladder never hitting the ground, because you are caught by the corner of a picket fence and taken to the ER via ambulance,treated for 2 fractured vertebrae (spinous processes), 3 fractured ribs, a missing piece of meat from behind your knee will indeed get you returned to the hospital. DO NOT get mad when she rushes you to the hospital and informs the admissions clerk about your fall of 25 ft, and your complaint of chest pain and breathing issues (that you insist is NO BIG DEAL) and they rush you immediately back for an exam. The exam discovered a hemothorax that required a chest tube for 1200cc of blood to be drained out over the next 48 hours. Very good outcome, with a full recovery!!!

I'm sure I have more stories, but just can't think anymore right now :chuckle

Indy, LPN, LVN · Jun 9, 2005

If you are say, in your 70's, male, and able, with the assistance of your very petite daughter, to get out of bed and into a wheelchair- despite the presence of a VERY swollen, painful scrotum with foley stuck in there somewhere- and oh yes, despite the presence of oh, more than a dozen weeping open leg wounds with MRSA in them, and bilateral drop foot- when you get back from having your daughter take you on your hour-long smoke break,

Do not then proceed to tell the nurse that you can't so much as lift a foot to help yourself get back into bed. She will call the lift team.

-Indy

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jun 10, 2005

If you are say, in your 70's, male, and able, with the assistance of your very petite daughter, to get out of bed and into a wheelchair- despite the presence of a VERY swollen, painful scrotum with foley stuck in there somewhere- and oh yes, despite the presence of oh, more than a dozen weeping open leg wounds with MRSA in them, and bilateral drop foot- when you get back from having your daughter take you on your hour-long smoke break,
Do not then proceed to tell the nurse that you can't so much as lift a foot to help yourself get back into bed. She will call the lift team.
-Indy

:rotfl: :rotfl: I know that's irritating, but I still find the humor in your statement. I sort of tells me the old feller thinks the nurses are there to serve his every beck and call (irritating as all get out:angryfire ) But the tiny daughter who helped him, and yet he can't help himself? Heh, Poor girl needs some educating.:rotfl: