Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

rph3664 · Apr 27, 2009

A piece of bread is NOT a good substitute for a tampon. (Resident was in her 80's and had dementia.)
Don't use your bagel as a stimulation device in front of your female tablemates. This will involve much screaming which will panic the staff.
Don't use your rectum as a safe place to hide a stolen fork because you are not allowed to have forks at meals.

Did these things happen in a nursing home, or a jail, or a combination of the two?

voraciousj · Apr 27, 2009

Don't decide to quadruple your Lasix dosage and double your K+ dosage because you are having increasing SOB with exertion without discussing this with your doctor.

Coriander, BSN, RN · Apr 27, 2009

Did these things happen in a nursing home, or a jail, or a combination of the two?

Nursing home for Alzheimer's residents. I learned a lot during that time lol.

3boysmom3 · Apr 28, 2009

My 20-year-old son called me (he lived 200 miles away) and asked what he could do for a friend who got bitten by a spider. I asked "where was he bitten?", and was told "on his face." I asked "Is it swollen?" and was told "well, kind of, but he can't open his mouth or turn his head." I said "that can't be fixed on a phone call!" and told him to get his friend to the ER, asap. Friend was OK in the end.

azgirl · Apr 28, 2009

Angle and Brain are my most hated names for new babies.

EarthChild1130 · May 3, 2009

1. If you threaten to throw me out the window over the phone, when you get to my office, at least make sure you're as tall as me...I'm kind of husky. (And my window is kinda small).

2. My office is not big enough for me, the crisis team, the cops, and a psychotic patient with a knife.

3. If you are high on meth and you jump from a REALLY high bridge, there is a SLIGHT possibility that you'll live (and be REALLY mad about it...and not hurt at ALL).

4. If I fill a med box for you with a week's worth of meds, don't try to re-organize them by color...I know you want to take all the green ones (Haldol 5mg) at once and all the grey ones (Depakote ER 500mg) at once, but trust me...that's NOT a good idea.

5. The pharmacist knows that when I call in med refills for you, I will only call in a 2 week supply of benzo at a time...he will question me if he gets a call for 'Ativan 2mg 1 by mouth 4 times daily, quantity of 120 with 12 refills'...

6. If I read ANYWHERE in your chart that you tried to bludgeon a nurse to death in a state hospital, please don't take it personally when I don't want to 'give us a hug'.

7. Taking those little aluminum foil tops off the juice cups and rolling them up tight turns them into sharp, handy little weapons/mutilating devices.

8. If you are going to sit in your hotel room and crush and/or snort pills/heroin/meth all day, for goodness' sake keep them out of reach of your 18 month-old daughter...when she's older and finds out she was taken away because of that (and she finds out her stomach had to be pumped before she was even out of diapers), she won't be happy.

lpnstudentin2010, LPN · May 5, 2009

I just learned this one from myself, didnt go to the ER or anything and not as amazing as some of these stories but it is one of my many shining moments of intelligance! Do not, 3 days after oral surgery when you still have stitches in your mouth, decide it would be a good idea to eat icecream with reeces peanut butter cups in it. It may taste good, but the blood that it draws does not.

talaxandra · May 5, 2009

Yum! Except for the blood

lpnstudentin2010, LPN · May 5, 2009

ya not my most shining of moments but at least i can learn from my mistakes

imaflute03 · Sep 3, 2009

I'd like to add that hamsters or any other small furry animals up the rectum may cause one to have to eliminate waste in a bag out the side of their abdomen for the rest of their life...(not very attractive, or sexy), seen the aftermath first hand!

don't tell an er nurse you were trying to squirt lotion up your butt because you were constipated - when we see the 8" bottle on the xray in your rectum (we know it didn't slip up there)

do not use live eels during sex - they bite

do not swallow an oscar fish on a dare - it will bristle in your throat and kill you

do not attempt to circumcise yourself - it's real ugly

i will reitterate a previous threat- don't run from police dogs - you will lose

do not insert raquetballs in your rectum - they don't come back out on their own...

a firepoker up the butt - NOT a good idea

please don't pull all your eyelashes out in front of me to convince me you are insane - it grosses me out.

believe it or not - seen these all.....learned alot!!

imaflute03 · Sep 3, 2009

What I have learned not to do I actually learned from a coworker, (and common sense). You cannot squeeze scrotal edema back into the body by placing the testicles, member (with foley catheter inserted) into an elbow protector and wrap it with tape, (put something 10+ inches in diameter into something 4- inches in diamter), and expect that the patient is going to think that you are the best RN ever. :confused: The patient thought he was dying, wouldn't live to see tomorrow, and that he was being castrated. Let's just say that his outlook improved once I cut him out of it, although I thought he was going to pass out seeing somene come at him with a sharp object in the nether region, until I showed him how blunt the bandage scissors were.....:chuckle

pca_85 · Sep 14, 2009

You may very well be able to outrun an out of shape cop.....but not his dog. Tattoo guns and alcohol don't mix. Hurling bed pans at the staff wont get you sympathy. You can get chlamydia and gonorrhea in some very surprising orfices.