Things you'd like to say to....

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Specializes in Emergency Department; Neonatal ICU.

Okay, I know there are a lot of threads out there with variations of the theme of "things I'd like to say to..." but honestly, they are always fun to read and, as I am sipping the second part of my "glass and a half of wine" after my terrible shift, here goes:

Stop pretending like you don't know how to pronounce Dilaudid. You can say it better than I can.

No, I don't believe you that you were beaten by the police. I think you are a huge brat who needs a spanking, there is not a dang thing wrong with you, and the sooner you go to jail, the better off we will all be...

I understand you are a hard stick and that "a surgeon" has to come and stick you when you come in. I do this many times a day. Please don't be mad at me when I get you on the first try.

Did I really hear you just tell a newer nurse (or nursing student) that floor nurses "don't do anything." Just .... shut up. If you can have the basic respect for your fellow nurses and other allied health staff, you shouldn't be around anyone who might actually take what you say seriously.

Thank you to my wonderful co-workers. You make me laugh, you pull me out of the deep end of the pool on a regular basis and I am so lucky to have you.

And finally, it's okay, ma'am. It's time for your (uncle, father, cousin) to have a higher level of care. It doesn't mean that you have failed. I've had him as a patient for 5 minutes and I want to tear my hair out; I can't imagine what it is like for you to deal with this 24 hours per day with no help. If you need to cry on my shoulder out of guilt in the hall, you can do that. But really, it's okay - you've done an amazing job but it's time.

Anyone else?

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Specializes in Med Surg, ER, OR.

I love the dilaudid comment as Im sure we have all heard it...if nothing else "just give me the one with a d. it makes everything just disappear."

To management: just because you get to take a break at your lunch, and enjoy it...and by lunch I mean eat an entire meal in one sitting 9/10 times, should mean that we are entitled to a BREAK and a LUNCH. Unfortunately my breaks come when I can find time to pee and my lunch is a few packs of crackers at random times. Not what I call a break or lunch...

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

"Yes I know you're young and gorgeous and are going to "rock the ER" with your bright, shiny new RN license in hand. But believe me, we don't hate you because you're beautiful. We hate you because you're a dangerous know-it-all with diva issues."

"I know he's the love of your life and you'll be lost without him, and believe me I'm so sorry for your loss. But he's gone now; you need to start figuring out how to go on without him. The priest I called earlier is still here, and he isn't holding a grudge because you slapped him when he told you that your husband is dead. Please talk to him."

"I'm SO sorry that my patient coded when you were watching him while I was off the unit buying lunch. I'll buy your lunch and a margarita after work because you did such an awesome job saving my patient!"

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I am not trying to steal your kid's love, I have three wonderful kids at home already. I just want your kid to be able to sit up without assistance one day. So, stop lashing out at me an that passive aggressive way you do.

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Specializes in ER.

You say you got "jumped" at 2AM walking to the mini-mart to by baby diapers? "You are full of horse feathers, young man"

You are allergic to Toradol, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Naproxin, Tramadol, and also any other NSAID you might not have mentioned? What's the side effect, that you don't get high from it?

You put a vibrator up your backside for fun and now your belly is buzzing? Can we submit that one to "Real Stories From the ER"?

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You need a list of your "man's" medications because he got arrested at parole for a positive drug screen and you just know he's clean, he's only taking what we gave him? Okay, metformin, pravachol, aspirin, meloxicam, advair... hmm... no narcotics, guess he got those down on the corner

NO, I can't tell you "what day the baby was made" so you can figure out who the daddy is.

Candida IS the name of a yeast infection, and yes, I know you just named your baby that.

No, we cannot provide you a cab for everything every day.

No, your medication costs money and it is not free, there is nothing I can do about it.

Sorry, your viagra is NOT covered my medicaid or your insurance, if you want it, just pay for it, and get out of my face.

Your tox screen came back positive for barbituates, marijuana, and cocaine, so no, you won't be getting your percocet or xanax or oxycodone today.

You are 36 weeks pregnant and just NOW came for prenatal care?

Sure, let me drop everything I'm doing and fill out this 2 hour's worth of paperwork for your FMLA that you need to drop off before 2 PM today... NOT

No, you wipe your own butt at home, I'm not gonna do it for you here.

YOU STINK. TAKE A BATH.

Your health problems are all related to your morbid obesity/drug use/smoking/crap diet/noncompliance and no magic pill exists to solve your problems

don't yell at me, I'm a messenger, you hate the truth, but you can't take it out on me

I don't know where you got that STD.

You came here for our help and advice, and you want to argue with me now? Then leave and don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

No, I don't have time for that actually

You used your meds up early/lost them/had them stolen/dropped them down the sink/left them on the bus? But just your narcotics?

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I'm sorry that you haven't eaten all day, it's 2pm and you're here for n/v/abd pain. Let me go get you the take out menu's.

Sorry that your free cab ride home is taking 3 hours to get here

No, I don't think they are going to admit you for a sore throat.

No, dilaudid has not been ordered for you at this time for your uti, even though you told the doc that's all that works for you.

That's cool, the app on your phone told you how far along in your pregnancy you are, and that you're having a boy cuz every time you call your belly a girl, it kicks.

Sorry that I can't give you all the atb's ordered for your ailment, cuz you don't want to go to the store tonight.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Emergency, CEN.
I'm sorry that you haven't eaten all day it's 2pm and you're here for n/v/abd pain. Let me go get you the take out menu's. Sorry that your free cab ride home is taking 3 hours to get here No, I don't think they are going to admit you for a sore throat. No, dilaudid has not been ordered for you at this time for your uti, even though you told the doc that's all that works for you. That's cool, the app on your phone told you how far along in your pregnancy you are, and that you're having a boy cuz every time you call your belly a girl, it kicks. Sorry that I can't give you all the atb's ordered for your ailment, cuz you don't want to go to the store tonight.[/quote']

I want to hug everyone in this conversation! Like, like, like!

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Candida IS the name of a yeast infection, and yes, I know you just named your baby that.

I cannot stop laughing! Please tell me there is not a child in this world named "Candida". Oh no!

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Specializes in ER, Addictions, Geriatrics.

"Yes, I realise that you work here as I noticed your employee badge that you keep flashing around, and the way that you keep saying 'is the doctor coming because I've already been here half an hour I really need to get back to work!' and we do not often mind providing professional courtisies to people that work in the hospital. However, just because you work here does not mean we are going to handle your chart on a silver platter and expedite you to the top of the pile when I have other patients who have been waiting over an hour! Sorry that you decided you'd come 'quick on your break' to see a doctor. Maybe next time come after your shift and you won't get in trouble for being away from your desk :)"

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Specializes in Emergency, Telemetry, Transplant.

"You do realize that you cannot skip your dialysis just because you didn't want to wake up before 11 am today. (But we will still save your sorry butt every time you come it with a K in the 6s or 7s.)"

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"You do realize that you cannot skip your dialysis just because you didn't want to wake up before 11 am today. (But we will still save your sorry butt every time you come it with a K in the 6s or 7s.)"

Aw, that's cool that your dialysis appt is in 1 hour, but you could not wait. Please, allow me to request your admission so we can dialyze you from the comforts of our facility

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