Spouses being asked to leave the room

[Indenial]

Hi

I'm not a nurse, but I'm hoping someone can clear something up for me.

I accompanied my husband to hospital several times over the past few weeks, and a couple of things have really puzzled and slightly annoyed me.

First off, we went to see a consultant, who had to examine my husband's abdomen. The consultant asked my husband to remove his shirt and lie on the bed, so my husband started taking his shirt off as he was walking to the bed. The consultant hurriedly ushered my husband towards the bed, and closed the curtain as if trying to protect my husband's privacy (from me - his wife?!). I found that a bit odd, especially as he only had to remove his shirt. Does he not think I've seen my husband's chest before?

Secondly, when my husband went into the same hospital for a procedure, the porter asked me to leave the room whilst they (four people including two females) transferred my husband from the trolley to the bed.

In both these situations it struck me as a little odd that a spouse would be asked to leave, and I felt a bit annoyed that the staff wanted to shield him from me, as if me being there would upset him somehow. When in fact he would feel no loss of dignity or privacy if I saw any part of his body at any time.

He is more comfortable with me seeing his body than anyone else in the world, especially female hospial staff. If he was going to suffer any loss of dignity, it would be from them seeing him, not me.

I should think that would be the case for most couples (except perhaps the odd vicar / nun combination).

Shouldn't the patient be asked?

All staff knew we were married, because he introduced me as his wife to all staff members who assisted him.

I realise I'm taking this way too personally, andpeople will think I'm getting upset over nothing. I've tried to put this out of my mind, but unfortunately it's not going anywhere, and I'm hoping someone can enlighten me as to the rationale behing asking spouses to leave in the situations described above. It might help me feel a bit better.

I don't want to ask the hospital, because they might think I'm neurotic and paranoid, which I am due to a couple of mental health conditions.

Thank you for reading; I hope someone can help.

[Stephalump]

\ said:

You have no idea...

I figured as much. From moment one, I felt "handled." Like a ticking time bomb that's gone off in ED many a time.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

Stephalump said:

I figured as much. From moment one, I felt "handled." Like a ticking time bomb that's gone off in ED many a time.

The problem comes in when the team caring for your son ends up caring for you. Not that I'm implying you should have been asked to leave, or that you were causing any trouble. During intubation or a code situation any mistake or loss of concentration could change the outcome. Getting extra or untrained people out of the room takes away some of the chance of distraction.

Say if you flung yourself on the patient when you saw him paralyzed (a very scary sight), or if you started screaming at the doc if he had to do a second attempt. Not helpful to the situation, as you can understand.

[ArrowRN, BSN, RN]

Last year when we had our daughter via c-section, they refused to let me in to view the procedure. It was not a scheduled C-section but even self, I was so ****** off, yet I personally know quite a few husbands who were in the OR during a C-section. The baby came out quickly in liek 20mins but my wife did not. They were taking so long I went for lunch when I came back I found out everyone was rushing looking for me cause they almost killed her on the operating table, she bled out bad and got like 4 pints of blood. What a nightmare, thank god she made it.

On another note I also hate health insurance company, that call me and ask for my wife, now all the finances and insurance is in my name,my wife hardly has a clue about how the insurance works, but when I ask what is this about, they say it does not concern you its a private matter for your wife...I say well take my number of your darn calling list and leave us alone. Its like if they trying to solicit her stuff that I do not know about, yet it comes off my paycheck.

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

man-nurse2b said:

Last year when we had our daughter via c-section, they refused to let me in to view the procedure. It was not a scheduled C-section but even self, I was so ****** off, yet I personally know quite a few husbands who were in the OR during a C-section. The baby came out quickly in liek 20mins but my wife did not. They were taking so long I went for lunch when I came back I found out everyone was rushing looking for me cause they almost killed her on the operating table, she bled out bad and got like 4 pints of blood. What a nightmare, thank god she made it.

This could be part of the hospital policy. My hospital does not allow family members in c-sections where general anesthesia is given. If your daughter was born via emergency c-sections, my guess would be that she did have a general anesthesia. Also, in emergencies where the baby may need resuscitation, the less people in the room who aren't actively involved in patient care, the better. Many facilities do not allow families to witness codes, and it sounds like in your situation they were thinking it a high probability.

[nursel56]

My husband was in the room for my C-Section and I had a VBAC 2.5 years later. I feel like an outlaw. :)

[Dakk007]

Hello im a psw working in sunnybrook

Im filipina married to canadian

Pardon my english if its not correct

My husband diagnosed with colorectal cancer back in 2012

And developed chronic illness

He is bed bound from the time he had surgery

We are on and off to hospital

Since 2012 up today sept 7 2017

He is admitted to icu

He is in so much pain everytime we move him fro dressing change back wash or repositioning

This afternoon change shift

The nurse approached me to leave the room and comeback because shes doing her assessment

But i asked her if i can stay, she wont allow me

I ask again to pls let me stay that moment i feel heavy on my chest

Because my husband is unconscious have a breathing tube in

And i said i will not bother you or ask any questions while you are doing your assessment

No answer from her so i decided to step out with heavy heart and about to cry.One nurse i know asking how i am hows my husband

Then i told her the nurse ask me to step out

Even though i please to her if i can stay

So she went to room talk to nurse and came back to me saying you can go inside

But she throws an attitude rolling her eyes

Talking to a colleague that "i am mad right now

And i dont like politics "as one nurse back me up to talk to her

My husband is dying im the one who look after him o keep him to our house and look after him

His needle changed his colostomy

Feed him everything

I feel bad up to now why that nurse do that attitude to me i dont cause any trouble

She didnt even introduce her name to me that

She is the evening nurse

Tomorrow im going back there and i feel to complain i really feel bad

I understand we always ask family member to step out so they can work give care freely

Without any doubt

And I honestly saying that she is good nurse the way she give wash and care to my husband

Thank you

[nursel56]

I'm so sorry you went through that experience. Please don't feel bad about talking to someone about what happened. You need to be with him, and if you feel you are not being understood, or the nurse isn't expressing why she asked you to step out, speak up and ask for a translator. Bless you and your husband.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

CountyRat said:

Sometimes, during a consultation or examination, we will ask patients about things that even their spouses do not know about them, for example, whether they have ever had sex with someone of the same sex as them, how many sex partners they had before getting married, how many sex partners have they had since getting married, and so on. We are not prying. We need this information, in some cases, to provide the care the patient needs. If you and your husband have one of those rare relationships that would allow him (or you) to answer those questions comfortably in each other's presence, then bravo! I admire you both! However, many (most?) people do not achieve that degree of honesty, or even if they do, will feel some discomfort reciting the answers with any audience, even their most intimate companion. I am not saying that any of this applies to you or your husband, but we have no way of knowing where the questioning may go, and how you and your husband might feel about them. Therefore, we take the route that is most likely to be the least uncomfortable for the patient. Please believe me, we mean no offense or disrespect, and we are not doubting the strength of your bond with your husband. We are just trying to make it as easy as we can for the patient when we do not know what the answers to our questions might be, or how he would feel about answering them.

I have never figured out why we need to know how many sex partners a person has had. What do

you do with this information?

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

Kooky Korky said:

I have never figured out why we need to know how many sex partners a person has had. What do

you do with this information?

It assesses for risky sexual behavior that may indicate a need for STD testing.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Dakk007 said:

Hello I'm a psw working in sunnybrook

I'm filipina married to canadian

Pardon my english if its not correct

My husband diagnosed with colorectal cancer back in 2012

And developed chronic illness

He is bed bound from the time he had surgery

We are on and off to hospital

Since 2012 up today sept 7 2017

He is admitted to icu

He is in so much pain everytime we move him fro dressing change back wash or repositioning

This afternoon change shift

The nurse approached me to leave the room and comeback because shes doing her assessment

But I asked her if I can stay, she wont allow me

I ask again to please let me stay that moment I feel heavy on my chest

Because my husband is unconscious have a breathing tube in

And I said I will not bother you or ask any questions while you are doing your assessment

No answer from her so I decided to step out with heavy heart and about to cry.One nurse I know asking how I am hows my husband

Then I told her the nurse ask me to step out

Even though I please to her if I can stay

So she went to room talk to nurse and came back to me saying you can go inside

But she throws an attitude rolling her eyes

Talking to a colleague that "I am mad right now

And I dont like politics "as one nurse back me up to talk to her

My husband is dying I'm the one who look after him o keep him to our house and look after him

His needle changed his colostomy

Feed him everything

I feel bad up to now why that nurse do that attitude to me I dont cause any trouble

She didnt even introduce her name to me that

She is the evening nurse

Tomorrow I'm going back there and I feel to complain I really feel bad

I understand we always ask family member to step out so they can work give care freely

Without any doubt

And I honestly saying that she is good nurse the way she give wash and care to my husband

Thank you

Sometimes a nurse needs privacy to do her assessment because the spouse is a distraction, because the spouse is sitting too close to the bed and blocking access to that side of the patient, because the spouse asks questions at the wrong time and disrupts the nurse's train of thought, because the spouse interferes. If the nurse didn't know you and didn't know how to predict your behavior, she may have asked you to step out so she could do the assessment, establish a baseline of your husband's condition and chart the things she needed to chart without feeling pressured to answer your questions, chat with you, etc. It may have nothing to do with you -- she just needed that time alone to process her day without the distraction of trying to be polite to you and step around you.

I've found that spouses often appropriate the rolling computer chair that the nurse needs to use for charting -- every time you get up to check the foley bag to record the urine output or to silence a monitor alarm, the spouse slips back into your chair. If that nurse had several families that did that to her, she may have just wanted to get her day started without the hassle. Some spouses try to stop the nurse from seeing the patient's "private areas." We still have to assess those areas. Some spouses try to make it all about THEM rather than about the patient. Once she got to know you, it might not have been a problem. Once she realized that you weren't going to pester her with questions while she was trying to concentrate on your husband (you weren't, were you?), get in the way trying to "help", talk loudly on your cell phone while she was trying to think, object to you uncovering your husband so she could see his skin, insist upon wetting his lips "right NOW" while she was trying to assess his bottom, etc., it may not have been a problem. Once she got her first assessment out of the way, it may not have been a problem. Now you've made it a problem. Just as you are unhappy with that nurse, she may be unhappy with YOUR behavior.

I think we can all agree that it's not about the nurse, and it's not about the spouse; it's about the patient getting the very best we can give. If your presence in the room for half an hour while she did an assessment helped that nurse to give her very best, I don't see the problem with you stepping out for half an hour.

Family members who make things into issues with a particular nurse make it uncomfortable for the nurse and it's human nature to want to stay away from uncomfortable situations. You don't want to create a situation where the nurse doesn't want to enter your spouse's room because she doesn't want to deal with you.

Yes, it sucks to be asked to leave, but leaving for a short time for the nurse to make an assessment should not be that big of a deal. Making a fuss about that at the beginning of a shift spoils the whole day for both you and the nurse -- and the patient, if he's awake. You said you "don't cause any trouble", but you DID cause trouble. You gave the nurse pushback when she made a reasonable request. You complained about the nurse to another nurse and instigated a situation where the original nurse had to then accomodate you before she could assess your husband. Maybe you didn't understand her explanation, maybe she didn't give a good explanation. But it was not an unreasonable request and I don't understand why you felt you couldn't just step out of the room and give her the time and space she needed to do her very best.

And before someone tells me I don't have compassion, empathy or a heart, I considered my response for a few days from a patient's point of view and asked my spouse -- who has suffered through many hospital admissions with my cancer -- for HIS point of view. I talked to my best friend who just lost her husband, and I talked to my Filipino friends and asked if there was something about their culture that I was missing. I still think you made problems when there didn't have to be any.

[Susie2310]

Ruby Vee said:

Sometimes a nurse needs privacy to do her assessment because the spouse is a distraction, because the spouse is sitting too close to the bed and blocking access to that side of the patient, because the spouse asks questions at the wrong time and disrupts the nurse's train of thought, because the spouse interferes. If the nurse didn't know you and didn't know how to predict your behavior, she may have asked you to step out so she could do the assessment, establish a baseline of your husband's condition and chart the things she needed to chart without feeling pressured to answer your questions, chat with you, etc. It may have nothing to do with you -- she just needed that time alone to process her day without the distraction of trying to be polite to you and step around you.

I've found that spouses often appropriate the rolling computer chair that the nurse needs to use for charting -- every time you get up to check the foley bag to record the urine output or to silence a monitor alarm, the spouse slips back into your chair. If that nurse had several families that did that to her, she may have just wanted to get her day started without the hassle. Some spouses try to stop the nurse from seeing the patient's "private areas." We still have to assess those areas. Some spouses try to make it all about THEM rather than about the patient. Once she got to know you, it might not have been a problem. Once she realized that you weren't going to pester her with questions while she was trying to concentrate on your husband (you weren't, were you?), get in the way trying to "help", talk loudly on your cell phone while she was trying to think, object to you uncovering your husband so she could see his skin, insist upon wetting his lips "right NOW" while she was trying to assess his bottom, etc., it may not have been a problem. Once she got her first assessment out of the way, it may not have been a problem. Now you've made it a problem. Just as you are unhappy with that nurse, she may be unhappy with YOUR behavior.

I think we can all agree that it's not about the nurse, and it's not about the spouse; it's about the patient getting the very best we can give. If your presence in the room for half an hour while she did an assessment helped that nurse to give her very best, I don't see the problem with you stepping out for half an hour.

Family members who make things into issues with a particular nurse make it uncomfortable for the nurse and it's human nature to want to stay away from uncomfortable situations. You don't want to create a situation where the nurse doesn't want to enter your spouse's room because she doesn't want to deal with you.

Yes, it sucks to be asked to leave, but leaving for a short time for the nurse to make an assessment should not be that big of a deal. Making a fuss about that at the beginning of a shift spoils the whole day for both you and the nurse -- and the patient, if he's awake. You said you "don't cause any trouble", but you DID cause trouble. You gave the nurse pushback when she made a reasonable request. You complained about the nurse to another nurse and instigated a situation where the original nurse had to then accomodate you before she could assess your husband. Maybe you didn't understand her explanation, maybe she didn't give a good explanation. But it was not an unreasonable request and I don't understand why you felt you couldn't just step out of the room and give her the time and space she needed to do her very best.

And before someone tells me I don't have compassion, empathy or a heart, I considered my response for a few days from a patient's point of view and asked my spouse -- who has suffered through many hospital admissions with my cancer -- for HIS point of view. I talked to my best friend who just lost her husband, and I talked to my Filipino friends and asked if there was something about their culture that I was missing. I still think you made problems when there didn't have to be any.

She did tell the nurse that she wouldn't bother her or ask any questions while the nurse did her assessment. She simply wanted to be present with her husband, who she provides care for and who is dying, while the nurse did her assessment. Nothing unreasonable about that. She is his support system. It would be another story if she was going to be obstructing the nurse's assessment. There was no reason not to trust that she would do just what she said she would and allow the nurse to simply complete her assessment unhindered. If she had obstructed the nurse's assessment then the nurse would have had grounds to ask her to leave. I don't blame this poster for being upset.

Nursing does involve empathy, and we care for patients families as well as patients. We individualize our care. The nurse is the person who had the problem here with her need for control and inflexibility, not the family member.

[bellini]

Ruby Vee said:

Sometimes a nurse needs privacy to do her assessment because the spouse is a distraction, because the spouse is sitting too close to the bed and blocking access to that side of the patient, because the spouse asks questions at the wrong time and disrupts the nurse's train of thought, because the spouse interferes. If the nurse didn't know you and didn't know how to predict your behavior, she may have asked you to step out so she could do the assessment, establish a baseline of your husband's condition and chart the things she needed to chart without feeling pressured to answer your questions, chat with you, etc. It may have nothing to do with you -- she just needed that time alone to process her day without the distraction of trying to be polite to you and step around you.

I've found that spouses often appropriate the rolling computer chair that the nurse needs to use for charting -- every time you get up to check the foley bag to record the urine output or to silence a monitor alarm, the spouse slips back into your chair. If that nurse had several families that did that to her, she may have just wanted to get her day started without the hassle. Some spouses try to stop the nurse from seeing the patient's "private areas." We still have to assess those areas. Some spouses try to make it all about THEM rather than about the patient. Once she got to know you, it might not have been a problem. Once she realized that you weren't going to pester her with questions while she was trying to concentrate on your husband (you weren't, were you?), get in the way trying to "help", talk loudly on your cell phone while she was trying to think, object to you uncovering your husband so she could see his skin, insist upon wetting his lips "right NOW" while she was trying to assess his bottom, etc., it may not have been a problem. Once she got her first assessment out of the way, it may not have been a problem. Now you've made it a problem. Just as you are unhappy with that nurse, she may be unhappy with YOUR behavior.

I think we can all agree that it's not about the nurse, and it's not about the spouse; it's about the patient getting the very best we can give. If your presence in the room for half an hour while she did an assessment helped that nurse to give her very best, I don't see the problem with you stepping out for half an hour.

Family members who make things into issues with a particular nurse make it uncomfortable for the nurse and it's human nature to want to stay away from uncomfortable situations. You don't want to create a situation where the nurse doesn't want to enter your spouse's room because she doesn't want to deal with you.

Yes, it sucks to be asked to leave, but leaving for a short time for the nurse to make an assessment should not be that big of a deal. Making a fuss about that at the beginning of a shift spoils the whole day for both you and the nurse -- and the patient, if he's awake. You said you "don't cause any trouble", but you DID cause trouble. You gave the nurse pushback when she made a reasonable request. You complained about the nurse to another nurse and instigated a situation where the original nurse had to then accomodate you before she could assess your husband. Maybe you didn't understand her explanation, maybe she didn't give a good explanation. But it was not an unreasonable request and I don't understand why you felt you couldn't just step out of the room and give her the time and space she needed to do her very best.

And before someone tells me I don't have compassion, empathy or a heart, I considered my response for a few days from a patient's point of view and asked my spouse -- who has suffered through many hospital admissions with my cancer -- for HIS point of view. I talked to my best friend who just lost her husband, and I talked to my Filipino friends and asked if there was something about their culture that I was missing. I still think you made problems when there didn't have to be any.

Can't like this enough.