Really hard choice

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I am a new grad nurse. Passed my boards and accepted a position at UVA for their nurse residencey program. I applied 6 months ago and it was my dream job in the oncology, and I got it. I was so happy. I'm supposed to start at the end of july. I'm currently living with my parents in northern va, and me moving to Charlottesville to work at uva is 2 hours away.

i have been really excited to start my job and move down there. Everything seemed to be going so well.

my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2011. He had been doing well up until a couple months ago, 2 weeks ago we went in for his MRI and they just kept growing. Doctors basically said they are stopping treatment and referring him to hospice. Prognosis of 6 months. This CRUSHED ME. And my mom and sister. And most of all my dad. We have always had a special bond. And while we all knew that this would happen someday. We didn't know it was going to be so soon.

it has been eating me up inside about what I should do in terms of my job at uva. At first my initial reaction was too basically just stay here and continue to live in northern va with my mom and dad and spend time with him and help. With brain cancer, we are seeing confusion about and coordination problems already and I know it's going be getting worse soon. I know my mom needs help. And I so badly want to be there for my father. And while that all I want to do, given that time is really precious right now.

However I kept thinking about the importance my career and what I worked so hard for. Finishing school and landing my dream job. I feel so selfish for wanting to continue and take the job and move out in a couple of months to pursue that. I'm so torn and every day it seems like I'm flip flopping on what I should do. I know it's imperative for me as a new nurse to start working as soon as I can to master my skills etc... I could take a job up here somewhere but I really hate to just let that opportunity at uva slip through my fingers. Even just writing this I feel guilt for even considering leaving, but I also know how it important it will be for me to have made a life so that I am able to grieve my dad in a healthy way when that time comes.

im asking for advice. What would you do if you were in my spot.

i don't want to regret leaving my mom and dad and possibly spending what precious time he has left with him. I also don't want to regret this opportunity at uva. My theory has been that uva is only 2 hours away and with working only 3 days a week . I could be up here. But I don't want him to pass, and to regret spending that time with him for the rest of my life either.

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Specializes in ED.

That is a totally personal decision to make. I wish you luck.

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
im asking for advice. What would you do if you were in my spot.

i don't want to regret leaving my mom and dad and possibly spending what precious time he has left with him. I also don't want to regret this opportunity at uva. My theory has been that uva is only 2 hours away and with working only 3 days a week . I could be up here. But I don't want him to pass, and to regret spending that time with him for the rest of my life either.

A really tough decision. My heart goes out to you, Nurseannie.

It sounds to me that you really want to start your new job, but are torn due to your devotion to your father. I see your answer in the above quote. Work your job and spend what off time you can with your family.

That's what I would do if I were in your spot; plan for the future, but live in the now.

The very very best to you, Nurseannie.

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Specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

((((Annie)))) I am so very sorry, and I can feel from your words how agonizing this decision is. Have you talked to your mom about it? If your parents are anything like mine, they might feel bad if you pass on such an amazing opportunity...and you will be helping fellow oncology parients, no less.

If you decide to continue with your plans, I would have a conversation with your manager about what's going on. I'm guessing you would still be on orientation, so it shouldn't hurt your unit if you have to make a trip home on short notice.

Ultimately it's a choice only you can make. Again I am sorry for what you are all going through.

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Specializes in NICU.

I would talk to the manager at UVa and see if you can work your shifts 3 in a row. Drive down for your first shift and find a co-worker that you can stay at between shifts, then drive home after your last shift. That way you can spend 4 days at home. An alternative is to get an apartment half way between home and work. That way you are only 1 hour from home and 1 hr from work.

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Talk to your parents about this and get their input before making any decisions.

When you say your mom needs help, see if you can put together a mental list of exactly what she needs, and maybe plan a day off each week for family.

Hospice has been amazingly helpful for my Dad. Nursing aides come by to help him with personal care, the RN, social worker come weekly. All meds and supplies are delivered to the door, hospice loaned a hospital bed, wheelchairs and a stair lift.

With hospice handling all those details and the time gained by stopping chemo, radiation and doctor visits, my mother says she has a lot more free time now. Of course, you know your situation better than anyone here, and I wish you the best.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTACH, LTC, Home Health.

I would call UVA and explain the situation, and gratefully decline the position if I were you. Every moment away from your family when they need you the most is a moment that you won't get back.

Secure a local position for the year to get yourself and your family through this trying period. Be that asset to them now so that there won't be any feelings of guilt or remorse later.

That way, you'll have managed to preserve your career, helped to care for your family at the most difficult time of your lives, and the experience of the situation will have contributed to your knowledge of caring for oncology patients should you pursue employment with UVA later in the then-capacity of a new nurse instead of a new-grad resident nurse.

Ultimately the decision is yours. I just don't think anyone should be put in the position of having to drive a significant distance when 'that call' comes in. Safety aside, you'll regret it if you don't make it back in time.

I'm so sorry you must travel this road. My well-wishes and prayers for strength are with you and your family..

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Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

If it were my family ... my Dad would want me to take the UVA job and get my career off to the best start possible. Those types of things were important to him and he wouldn't want his situation to compromise my career launch.

I agree with the previous poster who said to talk with your family. Find out what THEY want for you and from you. They may have strong wishes one way or the other that you should at least consider in your decision.

I am older than you are ... but was not there when either of my parents died. But I had been close to them and seem each of them shortly before they died. That is the way they wanted it.

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Specializes in NICU.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Personally, I think I'd reach out to the nurse manager who hired you: explain the situation that's come up, reiterate your great desire to work for them, and ask if you could defer your placement in the residency program for a year. They may well still say no, but I'd hope that a manager worth working for would understand this is a terrible situation and give you the space to deal with it since it's a time-limited thing.

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Hi there,

Almost 20 years ago, I had an opportunity to attend school in Atlanta, GA. However, I had an epileptic sister (half-sister) who was living with her grandmother at the time. She was five years older than me. The thing is, she was living in a house that might as well have been in the backyards of a country. She lived with about 10 other cousins and family members. The plumbing wasn't working, and she literally had to take a pot of water to flush the toilet. I couldn't believe how she was living. So, I decided to forego attending college in Atlanta. I stayed in Chicago and got an apartment with my sister. I didn't like the way she was living. Fast forward...she died less than two years later from a horrible seizure. There I was at 20 years old, with the responsibilities of an apartment and real adult life. I didn't quite know how to switch back. Long story short, without going on too long, that decision changed the course of my entire life. What I want you to know, is that some opportunities do not come back around. Some opportunities, once presented, YOU must make the choice to take them. I believe your father knows that you love him with all you've got...but his life is in the hands of God. I hope that you will recognize what season you are in, the one you've worked so hard to get to. This is your time now. I hope you pack your clothes and belongings, move to the new area, and visit mom, dad and family when you can.

Best,

Yves

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Unless you planned on staying at home for the next 6 months possible more, go get the job and spend 4 days at home a week. Everyone cannot stay with him all day, this will lead to compassion fatigue. You need to rotate care among the family. work for 3 days and take your turn caring for him. Death is the next stage in life, we will all make that transition

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Community Health, School Health.

I don't think you will ever look back and think "I wish I hadn't spent so much time with my dad in his final months". Remember that you will never be able to get this time back. That said, I think a meeting with UVA is in order to see if there is a possibility to defer your residency for 12 months and join a year from now. You have very unique circumstances that I am sure they will consider. I would spend this time enjoying your father's last few months, supporting your family as you are able, and maybe find something locally to make some money and gain some experience. Any chance you might find a local job in hospice or something similar? It might be a really good place for you to be as you go through this with your family. Best of luck and so sorry for your situation.

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