Really hard choice

[Nurseannieb]

I am a new grad nurse. Passed my boards and accepted a position at UVA for their nurse residencey program. I applied 6 months ago and it was my dream job in the oncology, and I got it. I was so happy. I'm supposed to start at the end of july. I'm currently living with my parents in northern va, and me moving to Charlottesville to work at uva is 2 hours away.

i have been really excited to start my job and move down there. Everything seemed to be going so well.

my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2011. He had been doing well up until a couple months ago, 2 weeks ago we went in for his MRI and they just kept growing. Doctors basically said they are stopping treatment and referring him to hospice. Prognosis of 6 months. This CRUSHED ME. And my mom and sister. And most of all my dad. We have always had a special bond. And while we all knew that this would happen someday. We didn't know it was going to be so soon.

it has been eating me up inside about what I should do in terms of my job at uva. At first my initial reaction was too basically just stay here and continue to live in northern va with my mom and dad and spend time with him and help. With brain cancer, we are seeing confusion about and coordination problems already and I know it's going be getting worse soon. I know my mom needs help. And I so badly want to be there for my father. And while that all I want to do, given that time is really precious right now.

However I kept thinking about the importance my career and what I worked so hard for. Finishing school and landing my dream job. I feel so selfish for wanting to continue and take the job and move out in a couple of months to pursue that. I'm so torn and every day it seems like I'm flip flopping on what I should do. I know it's imperative for me as a new nurse to start working as soon as I can to master my skills etc... I could take a job up here somewhere but I really hate to just let that opportunity at uva slip through my fingers. Even just writing this I feel guilt for even considering leaving, but I also know how it important it will be for me to have made a life so that I am able to grieve my dad in a healthy way when that time comes.

im asking for advice. What would you do if you were in my spot.

i don't want to regret leaving my mom and dad and possibly spending what precious time he has left with him. I also don't want to regret this opportunity at uva. My theory has been that uva is only 2 hours away and with working only 3 days a week . I could be up here. But I don't want him to pass, and to regret spending that time with him for the rest of my life either.

[gonzo1, ASN, RN]

I gave up a staff job I loved and still miss so I could take a travel job in the city my mom lived in so I would be there to take care of her. I have never regretted doing this and have a very clear conscious. Sometimes life throws us curve balls that are doozies. Ten years from now you won't care about the job you weren't able to go to, and you will be glad you were there for your family. Jobs come and go, but family is forever. Good luck to you and your family. Sounds like you have a wonderful one.

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

No job is worth feeling that you missed that time with your father and guilt. I am sure your parents will want you to take the job, but you need to think about how you will feel the rest of your life about it. You will always be able to find jobs, but you will never be able to get that time back with your dad.

I would ask UVA if they would allow you to have a spot in the next residency program and they may allow that under the circumstances.

You cannot and should not be faulted for whichever decision you make, but you are young and can start your career any time. Might it be harder 6 months from now? Possibly. However, you have many jobs ahead of you and only one father and you are young enough to recover career wise if you take this time vs an older nurse who has to make a living and might have a very hard time getting re-hired if they left their job.

Do what feels right in your gut and know you truly cannot make a wrong decision.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

I would absolutely take the job, and get a motel room for the days that I worked. Extended stays are particularly good for this because you have a kitchen, and it's nice not to have to get takeout all the time. Many extended stays also have weekly/monthly rates which save you quite a bit of money - it might be a whole lot cheaper to go ahead and reserve a room monthly than try to book three nights a week for four weeks.

Ask your unit manager if you can be with a preceptor who typically works his/her 3 shifts in a row. It seems like most people want that type of schedule (at least, they do where I work), so it shouldn't be too difficult to find.

Spending time with your family is important... but it's also important to get established in your career. We've all seen the "stale new grad" or "old new grad" posts where, when someone fails to find a job soon after graduation, it becomes difficult for that person to find a job at all. I very seriously doubt your father would want you to end up in that situation because of him. I know my family wouldn't want that for me.

[SmilingBluEyes]

That's what I would do if I were in your spot; plan for the future, but live in the now.

The very very best to you, Nurseannie.

this. I can't advise you very well but this stuck out as some amazing advice. I am so sorry for your situation, OP. Awful. My heart and prayers go out to you.

[OllieRugby]

Similar situation with my dad. He had cancer and the doctor gave him 6 months to live. I had just graduated too and was going to start a new job. It was always my dream that when I started working I'd give back to my parents, but his illness cut it short. 1-2 months later, something happened and I got a call at work that my dad was in the ER. I spent the night at the hospital, but he didn't make it. It was crushing. I think my dad would've been proud that I started to work in my dream job, but now I would've given anything to spend more time with him. For a few months following that, I'd have dreams about him and wake up in tears. I still have dreams and they are always of me spending more time with him because that was my one regret. I don't have as many dreams him as much now because time has passed, but I still miss him. I'm tearing up as I write this, but do what is best for you and your family. Talk to your dad and see how he feels. Ask him what he wants and do that. Tell him you're OK if you don't start your career right away if he wants you to stay and tell him it's ok for him to be selfish to ask you to stay. At least that is what I would do.

[OllieRugby]

I'd also add that you can take your job especially most nurses work only 3 days a week. That still leaves you 4 days off. When you start your job, tell your boss your situation and they should be accommodating. For me, they didn't expect me to come to work for the next week and had me take it off.

[knurse10]

What would your dad want you to do?

Also, you could always have a discussion with your manager regarding scheduling so you can have more time with your family. You may be able to have your cake and eat it too.

I suspect there will be difficulty and heart wrenching moments with whatever you choose. Good luck to you.