"He just wanted to know..."

[KatieMI]

So here is the situation.

I work as a private practice NP Internal Medicine provider in the same medical center where I started as RN years ago.

A some time ago, I stopped sharing ANY private information about myself and my family, period. Partially it was due to xenophobia I experienced in the same place, partially due to current political situation and partially because I am, well, sick and tired of sharing information that has nothing to do with business. I am nice, polite and adamant about it, whether one feels like "just curious" or not. But, since I was there before, some pieces leaked out and stayed in collective memory.

Over the last year, I encountered more than once that patients/families somehow got to know where I came from and some other details I did not share with them. It is Trump country overall, so more than once it led to situations when I was asked humiliating (to say it mildly) questions directly in my face, refusal of care under premise that I must be "a spy or something", etc. Needless to say, it doesn't make my life any better.

The single source of leak in all cases with no exclusion were staff RNs. I spoke with them; some outright denied telling patients anything, but when presented with facts, everyone started the same spiel: "the patient/family just wanted to know where are you from, what are you doing here in America and if you have any kids - they are customers, you know, and why they cannot know if they are just curious?" No one of them had an impression that what they did was wrong.

In my opinion, doing so is, at least, unprofessional.

Speaking with NURSING management led to nowhere. They have no policies about it, and "what if he just wanted to know, and the nurse happens to know, and not comfortable to say "no"?"

I would appreciate some collective wisdom.

[Thanksforthedonuts, BSN, RN]

I didn't have time to read all the comments....

But I have a cousin who won't tell me her favorite color because they consider it private information. Seriously! And this person is in their mid 30s. I was literally raised along side them, so I am not considered a stranger in any sense of the word. Girl won't even tell me her favorite color ... and if I ask her "how is your day going?" the girl answers "why do you want to know?".... won't tell me how her day is because it's considered private information. ...I always thought she should work for the government....

I on the other hand love to strike up conversation with people and attempt to identify with them. We are all people and I feel that we are born to live in community with one another.. my cousin on the other hand, she has pulled out of a Starbucks more than once with her hand over my mouth because I told the barista I like their haircut!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

According to the OP, the RNs' shared information the OP had already provided them with in regard to "Where she was from," "What she is doing in this country," and "Whether she has children." If these are deeply invasive questions for the OP and the OP is traumatized by the fact that his/her colleagues answered these questions when patients asked them about him/her, he/she can always try giving absolutely no personal information whatsoever out about himself/herself, and then see if his/her relationships with patients and colleagues remain satisfactory. Indeed, it is the OP's choice as to what information he/she shares, but he/she shouldn't be surprised if some possibly unforeseen negative consequences result from a "No personal questions/information at all" approach.

It is one thing to discuss your country of origin with work colleagues; it is quite another thing to have THEM discussing it with patients. I don't understand why so many people on this thread don't seem to get that!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I would generally answer questions about birth origin, unless I knew the patient was asking because he's a racist. And it sounds like OP is concerned about that because she lives in Trump country.

I would never answer personal questions about children etc. Never. But like elkpark, I work in psych and we are pretty strict about that.

What is more concerning than anything here, is that OP addressed this with nursing management and it was not handled well.

OP I think you need to go up the chain of command or to human resources.

I don't think it's an issue for the BON.

And I'm baffled as to how you know the patient ISN'T asking because he's a racist.

[mtmkjr, BSN]

I have to admit that when I first read the OP, my internal reaction was to think that she was unreasonably private with her personal life and that she should "loosen up a bit". I skimmed past the part where the nurses were giving patients answers to questions about her nationality, her kids, their schools etc. and reached my conclusion that she sounded a tad bit unsociable.

It took a few more posts to see that there is more going on. I read back over her first post and realized how wrong it was that people were talking about her kids and her private life to the patients and that none of it was in a friendly way. I saw the possibility that there is some subtle, some not so subtle intent to stir up suspicion and distrust against her. I realized that if I were asked similar questions about a colleague, I would never share that info even if the colleague had felt free to share with me in the past. Anything beyond "where is so and so from?" asked in without any hint of suspicion would not get past me.

I am so sorry you are going through this and do not have the option to go to another place of employment. I do wish you the best and hope that you find a better situation in the future. Not all places are like that. I work with people of many nationalities, races and backgrounds - we really enjoy each other treat each other with respect (mostly )

By the way, I have mostly conservative views, but I'm not a Trump fan... It saddens me so much to see so much prejudice and hate finding it's way out into the open - but I want to make it clear that those attitudes are not one-sided. We have a problem in this country that isn't a political party problem. The current trajectory does not look hopeful, but I pray that something brings us together - and I believe it will happen while I have no idea how. Prayer is what gives me hope for a better future.

[Crystal-Wings, LVN]

That sucks OP. I'm sorry you're going through this, as its obviously very distressing to you. I don't have any suggestions except to maybe look for another place of employment if it's making you as uncomfortable as you are saying it is. I think it's strange other staff members keep sharing information about you to others when you've specifically asked them not too. Speaking to HR is a possibility, but that might make things more awkward between you and your coworkers. You're definately stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Hoosier_RN, MSN]

So let me get this straight. A patient states to me "NP Susie has an accent where is she from" and I say "France" I should go before the board for discipline? That's a bit draconian. If a person does not want something to be known then best not share it in the first place. How were the nurses to know it was a big secret? Granted their excuses were lame. I would have apologized and said I didn't know it wasn't meant to be repeated and moved on.

I agree with this, but giving out addresses and kids school info is a hell no!

[Susie2310]

OP, as a Internal Medicine NP your patients know your first and last name don't they? Today, with the internet, it is very easy for anyone to find out all kinds of information about other people with a simple internet search, and if a person is really determined, they can find out even more information. Are you aware of this? You do know that your patients can look up your name at your state Board of Nursing web site, and can view your licensure information and other public information?

[morte, LPN, LVN]

OP, as a Internal Medicine NP your patients know your first and last name don't they? Today, with the internet, it is very easy for anyone to find out all kinds of information about other people with a simple internet search, and if a person is really determined, they can find out even more information. You do know that your patients can look up your name at your state Board of Nursing web site, and can view your licensure information and other public information?

irrelevant. and please remember what she said about where she lives.

[Susie2310]

irrelevant. and please remember what she said about where she lives.

Not irrelevant when the issue is one's personal privacy.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Sorry, I'm a terrible liar and for goodness sakes we aren't talking about someone's sexual orientation. I'm just not seeing the crime in answering a simple question about country of birth. I work in a large university hospital. Our doctors are from everywhere. We get this question all of the time and it has never caused any problems. And the providers are fine with it.

As far as you know they are.

I think people should just ask questions directly of the person they are interested in getting to know better.

I don't know of anyone ever askig me about other staff, so really can't speak to that.

I do think it would be better to not tell anything about my coworkers to anyone, now that KatieMI has raised this issue. I never thought about it before.

[Hoosier_RN, MSN]

OP, as a Internal Medicine NP your patients know your first and last name don't they? Today, with the internet, it is very easy for anyone to find out all kinds of information about other people with a simple internet search, and if a person is really determined, they can find out even more information. Are you aware of this? You do know that your patients can look up your name at your state Board of Nursing web site, and can view your licensure information and other public information?

up until a few years ago, Indiana put names, addresses, and birthdates on the professional licensing site. I requested many years ago to have my info removed d/t an ex who was stalking me. Was told no, public had a right to know. I'm not sure what happened, but a couple of years later, this information was all removed. Only name, license number, town and county of origin are listed. I'm not sure how other states do it, but most info can be found easily on the internet by anyone willing to invest the resources to find it. It's scary that this is a fact. But on the flip side, a dr that I work closely with used to be very standoffish. He is very obviously not born in US (accent and some language structure). I asked him once and he gave me the privacy bit, I answered to that as I love learning new cultures. He told me he was Haitian, I told him my sister had been stationed in Haiti in the early 90s, which opened more dialog which led to conversation about my Army days and both of our world travels. We both have a love for Italy. Now this dr greets me with a smile! And I'd never give ANY of his personal info (or anyone else's for that matter) just because, referring back to the beginning of my post, stalkers and crazies are everywhere!

BTW-I live in a very small town, and by my name badge, last name, they know that I'm either married to Tom or Joe's (not real names) son, or I'm their unmarried daughter. At times this makes me a little unnerved because with this info, anyone can find me at home

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I haven't read a single comment, but I get asked all the time, even today (am working) was asked if I am from "around here." And I'm white as white gets and in the South. Pts just like to start conversation.

Yes And people feel more comfortable usually with their own kind. I have often done the same thing - made conversation, that is, because I was uncomfortable with silence or with someone new.

However, having worked in Psych and in jail, I made up some tall tales about, for instance, my family size or whatever. We were ordered not to share any personal info at all with patients or inmates. And I didn't. And I would not share personal info about coworkers with pts or inmates in those settings.

I would also tell an "inquiring mind" that I didn't know or didn't feel comfortable answering and would suggest that he or she ask the person in question if I ever was involved any conversation about a coworker, especially after reading this thread.