I am needing some advise on this. Sorry but this is going to be long.
When I was 7 I was molested and abused for about a year. He said I would be in trouble if I ever told, which is why it went on for so long. I was afraid and never told anyone, until I told my friend during a sleep over. She knew what was happening and told her mom, whom in turn told my mother. When my mother found out, she of course had him arrested.
We moved to FL after that. I finished school and went on the become a nurse there. My husband and I moved our little family of 4 back to Arkansas to be closer to some of my family. I am a nurse at a local family clinic while studying to get my RN. Last year this man that I put in jail for 9 years started coming to my clinic. I bumped into him in the hallway and immediately went to my office manager to inform her of the situation. I have been working for them for 2 years now and have seen my Dr fire people that he no longer wants to treat for various reasons. My office manager informs me that since he doesn't see my Dr and I am not his nurse that it isn't a good enough reason to fire him. They put a note in his chart to never schedule him with my Dr. He isn't aloud on my side of the building. He has ended up on our schedule twice now and moved to the other Dr schedule. He sits in the same lobby my patients sit in and walks the same hall.. Usually when he is there, I try to get someone else, if anyone is available, to get my patients so I don't have to see him or he see me. He has come in several times over the last year. It has gone to him just glancing at me, to smiling at me, and now trying to joke and wave at me. He came in this past Thursday with a leg injury and was placed in the shot waiting area(very small side room with a few chairs). I had a patient in there and that's where we give our allergy injections. We were short a nurse on this day and very very busy. I can't just hide behind my desk and wait for him to leave so that I can do my job. I had patients waiting. My patient that was in the shot waiting area was there for a physical for work. He needed an eye exam. We use the Snellen chart that is on the wall in that room. While giving him his eye exam, my abuser sat, who was sitting beside my patient, persistently smiled at me. He made the comment that he should move his leg so that no one tripped on it, my patient joking said "you never know, someone may kick or stomp on it." And the abuser looked at me and smiled and said "Yeah and she would probably be the first to kick it" while laughing. I said in a rude voice "You are right" and took my patient to his room away from that man.
I felt very uncomfortable, and feel like he is just taunting me. When I informed my boss that he had spoken to me, she just said I should have had someone else get my patients while he was there. I don't feel comfortable or safe at my current place of employment and don't really feel like my boss cares. I had nightmares about this man for years and I have started having them again. I don't like feeling so vulnerable.
Should they even be allowing him there? I understand that once I get my RN and work in the ER I will have patients that I don't like, but do I have to deal with this man?
We recently made an accepted offer on our first home and are due to close at the end of the month. As soon as we close I have decided to start actively looking for other employment. I am going to look at other clinics, our hospital (that doesn't hire many LPNs), and the nursing homes. Until then, what can I do? It took all that I had not to be extremely unprofessional in front of my patients to this man when all I really wanted to do was stomp his leg and to beat him with his own crutch.
If you document this harassment, it seems like you might be able to get a restraining order against him with the established history. Then he wouldn't be able to go into any office where you work.
If I were you, it would take a lot of restraint not to go into that manager's office and say, "Imagine being 7 years old, being held down and raped, repeatedly, by a full grown man, for a year. That's what you're forcing me to deal with everyday because you refuse to grow the hell up and deal with this problem!"
I have some sexual abuse history myself, nothing as bad as yours, but the one time I saw one of my abusers years later was horrible. I can't imagine living with that every day.
I wouldn't fault anyone for running away, but doing that means you're still that vulnerable helpless little girl.
I think I'd rather be twisted into knots, than allow that piece of poo to chase me away from a place I want to be.
I don't think the OP has explored all her options, r/t having this man's presence removed. I would explore every single possibility before I'd allow myself to be chased away.
Running simply means you're still helpless, and he's still in control of your choices.
I have been in a position with a known abuser, and used the legal system to get a restraining order and won; however, here was no follow up-not getting his gun although it was reported that he had a gun-that put me in a position where my safety was compromised.
I'm not saying don't use the courts; however, the best advice is to seek legal counsel, but the most important advice is to seek out a abuse survivors group-groups and therapy have amazing ways to help one respond and cope with traumatic triggers.
Have you documented your contacts with this patient? If you haven't, I'd strongly suggest that you do.
I really like the suggestion given to you involving utilizing a survivor's/women's support group. I've found in my volunteer efforts that these types of groups have contacts or access to aspects of the legal system to address scenarios like you are describing. I'm of the opinion that utilizing these services will provide needed support and access to getting a restraining order.
I think you need one. It sounds to me like your abuser is utilizing your place of employment as a tool to have access to you. And that he is taking full advantage of the opportunity to victimize you again by way of his actions. While your employer could be doing more to help you, they have stopped short of actions that could potentially leave them open to litigation. As sad as it is, this is reasonable.
Perhaps it would be best to increase your level of protection from contact with your abuser by way of a restraining order. What Jade is saying regarding potiental HIPPA is right in line with anything I've been aware of. Keep it general, with the option for the ordering judge to infer the rest.
I'm not sure that going directly to the officer handling him as a sex offender will get the results you need. I'd suggest getting a restraining order first, then contacting that officer. Both your employer, and the authorities then have the needed leverage to take necessary action without fear of consequence.
On an off note - what I'm reading suggests to me that your abuser is finding stimulation in initiating these contacts with you. He is victimizing you all over again. He's forced to accept and comply with the conditions of his release from prison. This person likely needs to be forced to come to the realization that you are not available to victimize. I consider what you are describing stalking behavior. And it's likely to escalate unchecked.
As to your job, my thoughts are these: It's your job, not his. You earned it, he didn't. It's clear in what you've shared that your employer is concerned enough to take action. Just not action that leaves them on the receiving end of litigation from your abuser. If you like your job, stay. Continue to enjoy and build your life with your husband. Enjoy being near your family. But have the papers in place that don't allow this person to show up and disrupt that.
I have been in a position with a known abuser, and used the legal system to get a restraining order and won; however, here was no follow up-not getting his gun although it was reported that he had a gun-that put me in a position where my safety was compromised.
I'm not saying don't use the courts; however, the best advice is to seek legal counsel, but the most important advice is to seek out a abuse survivors group-groups and therapy have amazing ways to help one respond and cope with traumatic triggers.
You don't think that having a restraining order would get that abuser out of her workplace?
I'm asking, not challenging. I've not had the unfortunate experience of having my abuser show up at my workplace. Mine was stupid enough to come to where I live - where he quickly learned the difference between a 60lb child and a 240lb man. And they took his battered but to jail once the police arrived.
My suggestion centers around what I would personally do if my abuser appeared in my workplace.
I don't know the law (either criminal or employment) in your state. If this was happening in my state, I would advise you go directly to your own doctor and get a medical leave of absence for stress; PTSD, whatever they will call it. In my state this would give you a little temporary disability income that would make the lack of work not as big of a financial strain.
Then I would advise that you get a restraining order against your abuser. You will need his current address, but since he should have to register as a sex offender, that shouldn't be too hard. In my state, as a victim, you would be granted an order without any trouble. It is HIS responsibility to stay away from you. Not the other way around.
Lastly, I would advise you to do as you yourself suggested and try to find alternate employment. Your employer has allowed you to work in a hostile environment, but I wouldn't wait for them to correct their mistake. Not firing him as a patient is indefensible in my opinion, and even if they can't be compelled to, it just simply makes them bad humans.
You don't think that having a restraining order would get that abuser out of her workplace?
I'm asking, not challenging. I've not had the unfortunate experience of having my abuser show up at my workplace. Mine was stupid enough to come to where I live - where he quickly learned the difference between a 60lb child and a 240lb man. And they took his battered but to jail once the police arrived.
My suggestion centers around what I would personally do if my abuser appeared in my workplace.
In my case, it didn't.
My ex-abuser showed up while I was walking down the street to my clients's house and shot me seven times, then killed himself, so yes, my restraining order didn't take his gun away or stop his desire to threaten and shoot me with a gun.
No, I don't have that person stalking me physically anymore, but I had to endure physical and emotional scars because of it-a support group and seeing two therapists and seven years after being shot I'm starting to feel "normal" again...I still have work to do, but sometimes the emotional work and coping mechanisms help so much when I encounter someone who looks and acts like my ex-abuser.
My ex-abuser showed up while I was walking down the street to my clients's house and shot me seven times, then killed himself, so yes, my restraining order didn't take his gun away or stop his desire to threaten and shoot me with a gun.
No, I don't have that person stalking me physically anymore, but I had to endure physical and emotional scars because of it-a support group and seeing two therapists and seven years after being shot I'm starting to feel "normal" again...I still have work to do, but sometimes the emotional work and coping mechanisms help so much when I encounter someone who looks and acts like my ex-abuser.
Good God. ****. I don't know what else to say except I am so glad you are here.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Your mental health is the issue. You are being forced to keep in contact with your abuser.
Your employer is not respecting you. Give 2 weeks notice and get out. I am shocked at the suggestions to " change your response".
Get a restraining order to prevent any further contact in a future workplace.
Good luck.
I would also invest in a police whistle you can wear around your neck on a a chain, and some pepper spray. See if you can talk to an attorney who deals with abuse as to what your rights are.
He paid his debt to the legal system, but there's nothing he can do to repay his debt to you.
OP, I was never abused, but I was harassed by a customer in retail. He had done it a couple of times to other employees and then to me about three times. By harassment I mean very much the same......staring....inappropriate remarks....and such. I was unsure how to deal with it the first time. I then reported him to my managers, who warned him. Of course he denied it.....but they did say if he said anything more, they would call the police and get a restraining order.
So I really can only say report to the police department. If they are worth their salt, they will do their best to protect you. I wish you all the best! God bless you!
Red Kryptonite
2,212 Posts
If you document this harassment, it seems like you might be able to get a restraining order against him with the established history. Then he wouldn't be able to go into any office where you work.
If I were you, it would take a lot of restraint not to go into that manager's office and say, "Imagine being 7 years old, being held down and raped, repeatedly, by a full grown man, for a year. That's what you're forcing me to deal with everyday because you refuse to grow the hell up and deal with this problem!"
I have some sexual abuse history myself, nothing as bad as yours, but the one time I saw one of my abusers years later was horrible. I can't imagine living with that every day.