Please Help

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Nurse SMS, MSN, RN

6,843 Posts

Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

It sounds like your daughter needs a therapist to be honest. Nobody should go into anything, career, marriage or anything else, under these kinds of false pretenses nor for these reasons. That she is sick over wanting to marry this guy is bizarre. Why would she want to marry this guy?

I also would not take on someone else's student debt in this day and age, so that frankly doesn't strike me as odd at all. The caretaker stuff? Bizarre as heck.

Your daughter needs more than anything to get a new job and to get away from this guy and, to be honest, from you - so that she can start to figure out her life.

All my best to all of you.

Specializes in Critical Care.

This has to be troll

Specializes in Community/Public Health.
19 minutes ago, Nurse SMS said:

I also would not take on someone else's student debt in this day and age, so that frankly doesn't strike me as odd at all. The caretaker stuff? Bizarre as heck.

Your daughter needs more than anything to get a new job and to get away from this guy and, to be honest, from you - so that she can start to figure out her life.

All my best to all of you.

It sounds like grooming, to be honest. He wanted her to become a nurse before he'd marry her, and it sounds like they're expecting him to become disabled later in life?

Dad - you seem more invested in her professional life when you need to consider that she's being emotionally manipulated into a marriage where she will be used as a paycheck and free home care.

If your daughter were writing in, I'd tell her to cut her losses and leave her job before they fire her. It's easier to say it was a bad fit if she leaves on her own than if she's terminated.

If you want to help her, help her get out. Of everything. Support her finding a new job. Support her ending her relationship.

You really need to sit down and speak to your daughter. Take some of the advice given here on this board. She might listen to you, she might not. If she does not listen to you, as WhaleTails put it: support her. Support her especially if things do not work the way she thinks they will.

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for her. I know some of the comments/advice given here might be tough for you to hear, but we all know you're coming from a place of love for your daughter.

Daisy Joyce

264 Posts

As much as I hate Pop-psychology-new-age jargon...

this is a girl who really needs to find herself and decide what “she” wants to do.

Not Dad, not fiancé, but herself.

ComeTogether, LPN

1 Article; 2,178 Posts

Specializes in Transitional Nursing.

Daughter needs to get rid of the guy, he can't support her dreams so he won't be there for her in other things that matter to her.

Tell her to consider going to a SNF or an acute rehab type of facility. The patients are stable but still have a lot going on.

She may have jumped in too quickly, especially if she is young and this is her first healthcare related job.

selebra

15 Posts

It sounds like the real stressor is the relationship she is in. She is getting sick and calling in because she is actually afraid of what her fiancé will do if she fails at this job. Let her know that it is okay and that the world will not end if this job doesn't work out. It certainly will not be the end of her career. True love also does not put demands like that. If he decides to leave, she will be okay, she will survive, and she will find someone much better. The best thing you can do is help her find peace with whatever happens.

EDNURSE20, BSN

451 Posts

Specializes in ED, med-surg, peri op.

I’m sorry. I can’t believe this post is real at all. This has to be a joke.

no way would any caring dad let there daughter be treated this way.

concerned about her job? Should be more concerned about the abusive relationship she’s in.

Wuzzie

5,116 Posts

I don't feel like we are getting enough of the picture to outright accuse the fiance of being abusive in a public forum. The OP is giving us just enough info to make the fiance sound terrible but he doesn't seem to be willing to answer direct questions about the fiance or the "brutal" preceptor. This makes me suspicious and I, for one, will not participate in a virtual stoning of another person without the details needed to support a verdict of guilt.

We need to hear from the daughter. That is the only way to get a handle on this mess.

And before anybody says it, I left an emotional and physically abusive spouse and lost everything in the process (including my job) so I do know what it means to be in that type of relationship, how hard it is to leave and what the emotional toll is.

Specializes in Critical Care.
2 hours ago, Wuzzie said:

I don't feel like we are getting enough of the picture to outright accuse the fiance of being abusive in a public forum. The OP is giving us just enough info to make the fiance sound terrible but he doesn't seem to be willing to answer direct questions about the fiance or the "brutal" preceptor. This makes me suspicious and I, for one, will not participate in a virtual stoning of another person without the details needed to support a verdict of guilt.

We need to hear from the daughter. That is the only way to get a handle on this mess.

And before anybody says it, I left an emotional and physically abusive spouse and lost everything in the process (including my job) so I do know what it means to be in that type of relationship, how hard it is to leave and what the emotional toll is.

While we don't know all the details just the fact that he would only marry her if she became a nurse is a red flag to me. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to warrant concern. If someone told that to me I would be out the door. It sounds like he wants another paycheck more than a life partner!

I've come across men like that in my life. The situation reminded me of my first whirl-wind romance where we were engaged. I met his family for Christmas. They were wonderful, kind loving people. The grandfather even gave me a hand made wooden ornament he had made. Then right after the holidays he dumped me with no explanation. We had double dated with two of his close friends during this time and when I reached out to the girl I considered a friend I was told to never call again. I was shocked, devastated and perplexed. What happened and why did he have me meet his family if he was planning on dumping me? He gave me no warning or clue.

A couple years later I get a letter and then phone calls from him explaining his friends told him to dump me because I had no career life goals. I was 18 years old and working as a secretary. I was shocked at this. It sounded so ridiculous, not too many 18 years old know what there future will be, let alone career. A secretarial job is certainly a respectable and professional job, just not the highest paying. He had now changed his mind as he said he missed me and his friends' career goals did not happen so their advice was wrong. By then thankfully I had moved on and told him to do the same as well.

So when the OP said his daughter's fiance issued this demand, it really struck a nerve. Boy did I miss a bullet with him! I did especially miss his family because they were so warm and welcoming to me and I didn't have that with my own family. I missed the romance and the dreams, but that is not real life.

I really think the daughter should take it slow and not be in a rush to marry someone who gives ultimatums like that. Some had said it is not unreasonable, but I think it is. What will happen when she is pregnant, has a baby, if she gets sick and can't work? Will he be out the door. I wouldn't trust him and frankly it doesn't sound like love to me!

Even if he is a nice guy, she should hold off on marriage until she is in the right place emotionally and financially. She is currently going thru a lot of stress as a new grad and I think she should be more settled before she marries someone, not while in the midst of such severe anxiety attacks from work that she can't function. She needs to give herself a chance to be independent and spread her wings and not marry someone out of need.

I do also find it a red flag that he doesn't want to help her pay off the loans. Others may argue with me on this count, but as a married couple I would think you would be working together to reach your life's dreams. I'm not saying you should cosign a student loan or that you are legally require to pay a spouse's loan when married. Obviously not, but as a couple shouldn't helping each other be part of the equation. Also paying off the loans increase their financial security and help them reach their family dreams. He sounds like he is coming from a place of selfishness and isn't ready for marriage himself. If that is how he feels now, what happens if they get divorced and he has to pay child support. It just sounds like another red flag and reason to at least postpone marriage for now.

The websites I suggested provide useful information for anyone and especially anyone with relationship problems. One of the biggest signs is a lack of empathy. Also many times showing rage, beyond normal anger in disagreements.

Wuzzie

5,116 Posts

13 minutes ago, brandy1017 said:

While we don't know all the details just the fact that he would only marry her if she became a nurse is a red flag to me.

Like I said the OP keeps giving tiny little nuggets of slanted information which change. At first she only had to graduate (which is smart in my opinion) then it became she had to be a nurse. I am suspicious enough of his motives, his posting here instead of her and the fact that he won't answer direct questions to make me not want to start stockpiling stones. There are a lot of assumptions being made here. YMMV.

Editorial Team / Admin

Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN

6 Articles; 11,663 Posts

Specializes in OR, Nursing Professional Development.
2 hours ago, Wuzzie said:

Like I said the OP keeps giving tiny little nuggets of slanted information which change

OP appears to have deactivated their account so I doubt we will be given any further clarification

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