Please Help

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I am the dad of a new nurse (BSN). I watched my girl work her way through school for the last 6 years. I am asking for your help because my daughter is having severe stress reaction at her first job. She is working on an intermediate cardiac floor in a hospital. She is being trained by a Preceptor who can be brutal at times. My daughter has called off sick due to vomiting, nausea, crying, dry heaves and feels like she is lost. The Department Director has been understanding but has told my daughter to take the weekend to think about what she wants to do because her points are almost used up. The Director has also indicated that they could talk to H.R. to see what can be done. I know from past experiences that when H.R. gets involved its just a matter of time before someone is let go. My daughter doesn't want to lose her job and is going to ask her Director if she can be assigned a different Preceptor. A little backgound information; My daughter met a guy seven years ago who told her to "Be a Nurse". So my daughter wanting to please her boyfriend went to school and graduated (BSN). Her motivation to succeed was based on her boyfriend's insistance that he would not propose nor give her an engagement ring until she finished school. He did get her a ring at graduation and proposed shortly thereafter. However, the guy is insisting that my daughter work and he will not pay for my daughter's debts. And so my daughter is afraid to lose her job because it could cause her relationship to end. My daughter wants to work and wants to be a partner as her now fiance insists that he "doesn't want a dependent"..."he wants a partner". My daughter has worked hard just to get a ring and her wedding to the guy is scheduled for early spring. I am asking for any advice to help my girl through this very stressful time. Thanks

I think your daughter's job is the least of her problems.

A bigger question is why are you not advising your daughter to leave someone that obviously cares so little about her.

People get sick during orientation. Some preceptors suck, but she should not be out more than three days with a stomach bug.

She needs to request a new preceptor, but I think your daughter's manipulative fiance is a pig in a poke.

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Specializes in school nurse.
5 hours ago, Rionoir said:

She wouldn’t meet any of the criteria for FMLA at all. Job stress is not a serious medical condition. Plus I’m pretty sure she would have to be employed for a longer period of time before starting FMLA.

Anyway your daughter is a grown woman with a BSN. Let her make some mistakes - that’s where wisdom comes from.

Definitely, she's on orientation, so she hasn't been there long enough to qualify regardless of symptom presentation.

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21 hours ago, Oldschool said:

1. I am the dad of a new nurse (BSN). I watched my girl work her way through school for the last 6 years.

Since nursing school is only 4 years and it took her 6 did she struggle?

2. She is being trained by a Preceptor who can be brutal at times.

We need a description of what being "brutal" means to make an accurate assessment of her preceptor. The first year of nursing is extremely difficult and ego bruising but we are dealing with human lives so it's going to be.

3. My daughter has called off sick due to vomiting, nausea, crying, dry heaves and feels like she is lost.

Like every. single. other new. grad. on. the. planet.

4. My daughter doesn't want to lose her job and is going to ask her Director if she can be assigned a different Preceptor.

Good, she's attempting a solution but given that we really don't know if her current preceptor is really awful this may or may not help.

5. A little backgound information; My daughter met a guy seven years ago who told her to "Be a Nurse".

Did he? Did he really tell her to be a nurse or was it a suggestion because he thought she might be successful/happy as one? Or were his words "if you don't become a nurse we are finished"?

6. So my daughter wanting to please her boyfriend went to school and graduated (BSN).

Why does your daughter make life choices based on pleasing people? This is indicative of an issue.

7. Her motivation to succeed was based on her boyfriend's insistance that he would not propose nor give her an engagement ring until she finished school.

Her motivation to succeed should have been because SHE wanted to succeed and become a functional adult not because she wanted a ring. I see nothing wrong with her boyfriend insisting she finished school. That is a smart, mature attitude that is beneficial to her.

However, the guy is insisting that my daughter work and he will not pay for my daughter's debts.

Why should he? She's a grown adult. I wouldn't want to pay for someone who isn't carrying their load. Why would anyone?

My daughter wants to work and wants to be a partner as her now fiance insists that he "doesn't want a dependent"..."he wants a partner".

And that's a bad thing? He dated a child but he doesn't want to marry one.

My daughter has worked hard just to get a ring

Noooo, you're daughter worked hard to get a degree that will offer her opportunities that she would not have without it.

After initially thinking that the boyfriend sounds like a controlling jerk (I was married to one) I waited and pondered all weekend to respond to this post. The very fact that it's you posting here for your daughter leads me to believe that the issue may be with the two of you and not the fiance. We have opposing scenarios 1. boyfriend/fiance is a controlling jerk with potential for becoming abusive or 2. your daughter is a spoiled daddy's girl with some growing up to do. Only hearing your side makes it impossible to determine. Don't get me wrong, your daughter is likely a lovely girl with many positive qualities and people who love her which is why this guy wants to marry her in the first place and why she was able to get a job in acute care . I don't doubt that at all but there are some troubling aspects to how she's approaching adult life that make me concerned for her ability to actually handle it. The lack of resiliency in our young adults today is stunning and it's completely our fault. We have raised a generation, by and large, without consequences and when things get tough they don't know what to do other than collapse. So she came to you and here you are doing for her...again. You were able to find this site so I'm reasonably sure your daughter would be able to as well and it's she who should be posting and asking for help. Unless you're a nurse you can't possibly understand what she is going through but we can. We need to speak directly to her.

Sorry if this came across as harsh. It isn't intended to but I think there's a lot more going on here than just a rough start in nursing and in life and I wouldn't be doing you, nor your daughter, any favors by keeping silent and supporting this "the whole world is against her" mentality that is coming through. I think your daughter would benefit from some counseling and professional life-coaching in order for her to choose her life's path based on what's best for her not what makes everyone else happy. You would do well to still support her but gently push her out the door and let her be an adult with all it's bumps, bruises and blessings.

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2 hours ago, Jedrnurse said:

Definitely, she's on orientation, so she hasn't been there long enough to qualify regardless of symptom presentation.

I’ll let her doctor explain the rules to her. Education about the law does not hurt one no matter where they are in terms of their career. And she just might be sick enough to really need to see her doctor.

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Holy cow....did you just say she's going to be married in 2 months?!??!!!

NO! Just NO. She really needs to settle down in a job first and make sure she can get through that before adding marriage to the equation. And, marry somebody else.

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The guy is not perfect no one is. However, my girl went to school to work in health care support. She graduated with an Associates Degree in HealthCare Support and an EKG Technical Certification. She didn't want to work in a hospital but she was pressured to "Be a Nurse" by her now fiance whos own mother was an RN before becoming disabled. The fiance, his parents and grandparents have routinely asked what our daughter is going to do "when their son / grandson (the fiance) becomes disabled"? I have heard this myself routinely over the past seven years. My daughter is not lazy and wants to work but is stressed out and sad. She is not looking to be a burden (dependent) but I believe that she is caught in a mind game where she is being pushed too hard at just the wrong (right) time by an expert manipulator.

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Specializes in Critical Care.

I wonder what her upbringing was like to make her susceptible to manipulation ?

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22 minutes ago, Oldschool said:

The fiance, his parents and grandparents have routinely asked what our daughter is going to do "when their son / grandson (the fiance) becomes disabled"?

Why do they think he is going to become disabled? I mean, anything can happen but they sound like they are sure it will.

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Specializes in Community/Public Health.
25 minutes ago, Oldschool said:

The fiance, his parents and grandparents have routinely asked what our daughter is going to do "when their son / grandson (the fiance) becomes disabled"?

Guy isn't looking for a wife, he's looking for a caretaker.

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2 minutes ago, Wuzzie said:

Why do they think he is going to become disabled? I mean, anything can happen but they sound like they are sure it will.

Maybe they know something they're not sharing...probably about his mental health....?

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28 minutes ago, Oldschool said:

She didn't want to work in a hospital but she was pressured to "Be a Nurse" by her now fiance whos own mother was an RN before becoming disabled.

Out of curiosity, how did his mom become disabled?

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Specializes in Critical Care.

Talking to HR doesn't necessarily mean they are planning on firing her. It is possible they would offer her a lower acuity position say on a medical-surgical floor. That is common when new grads don't work out in ICU and it would make sense that they would offer a similar option for a step-down unit.

A new preceptor would help, but would it be enough or would she be better off considering a lower acuity position? She would have to search her soul and make that decision. For what it's worth the first year is usually very stressful for most grads. Does she have a residency program? Does she have a friend and fellow nursing grads she can talk to for support and guidance? Is there an experienced nurse where she works that seems supportive that she can lean on to get thru this?

Also, she should talk to her Dr about her stress and consider therapy and possibly short term medication to get thru this bump in the road.

I especially think she would benefit from therapy re this seemingly toxic relationship. It sounds like his love, if you could even call it that, is conditional on jumping thru hoops and making good money. That is not love! He sounds like a selfish, narcissist who is only interested in money and status.

I hope she gets the therapy she needs to sort out her life, both work and especially her relationship. There are so many red flags re her fiance. I think marrying him would be a disaster! At the very least, she should slow it down and not be in a rush to marry him.

There are many videos on youtube about toxic, narcissistic abuse such as Jess Stanley, Inner Integration, Live abuse free, Dr Ramoni, Narcology Unscripted, The Mel Robbins Show and Surviving Narcissism. I would suggest anyone with relationship troubles check these sites out and see if they apply and would help! Check out Vital Mind Psychology which has a balanced viewpoint to lead codependents and empaths onto the self-reflection as to why they end up in one-sided relationships where they jump thru hoops and do all the giving. Many nurses are empaths and may not know it.

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