Please help, this is complicated.

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Hello nurses, I am.looking for some advice. I am in a complicated situation and would like some feedback.

Here is my situation. I have been at my current job for almost a year, last month my husband of 20+ years died suddenly. Needless to say I am devestated and my whole life is shattered. I have great family and friends who are supportive and have been amazing.

My new job and all my co-workers have also been so helpful, and I feel so thankful every day for my job.

I went back to work about a week after he died mostly because I was just overwhelmed at home and it was easier to get to work and deal with other people's issues.

I have been doing ok at work (better than @home) but am starting to feel guilty when I feel like I am bringing down the fun atmosphere we have always had on our awesome unit.

I feel bad for the teammates who get paired with me when I don't feel like I am the same nurse I was a month ago.

Am I being selfish for going to work just to escape my own reality?

You guys have a way of telling it like it is and I am sure some of you have probably dealt with similar situations with coworkers.

Do you have any advice?

Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

How blessed you are to work with such a nurturing group of people. They in turn may be wondering how they can best be there for you. I'm reminded of a seventies era new agey phrase "don't push the river", so true in the grief process.

So sorry for your loss.♡

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

I am so very sorry for your loss! (((Cruella))) I haven't experienced anything like the loss of my husband, but when I have felt down or experience personal difficulty, working is extremely therapeutic. It's only been a few weeks...I'm sure your colleagues understand. I would think less of them if they DID expect you to be "yourself."

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

This is not something you have to feel guilty for. You are entitled to your grief and you are entitled to support yourself. Your coworkers, if they are decent human beings, will recognize you are not the same and will make space for that, maybe even gently start to help you as you learn to carry your sorrow. One month is no time at all. Please be tender with yourself. This is a huge blow. You do not owe anyone anything right now and that is not only okay, it is fair and right and just.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

If YOU feel better being at work, that is one matter. Grief is different for everyone and everyone goes through the process in their own way. But I would seek counseling through your employer or ask about therapy. You have sustained a huge loss and it's not a bad idea to seek professional support. Maybe a month from now you will need it, maybe you won't, maybe you won't want it until 6 months from now. But please don't feel you have to navigate this on your own, I am so sorry for your loss.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. I too am a widow of less than a year and I feel for you.

However, don't try to put your grief away too quickly. It's a mistake many of us make, and it always comes back to bite us. If working makes you feel better, by all means do it; just be aware that things will never be the same. You have a 'new normal' to find, and that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to drink deeply of the wisdom of those who have been where you are. It sounds like you have some good friends who are supportive of you; let yourself be supported. I am glad you work in a place that is understanding and willing to work with you as you go through this transition.

I'm praying for comfort and healing for you. ((((HUGS))))

Up Vote Up Vote ×

((Hugs)).

I agree with the others, do what makes you feel better. If that's being at work - then do that. If that's taking some time off work, take the time off if you can. I am with the others, if I were your coworker I would be there for you 1000%. If that means you need some time to not be 100% yourself as usual, then so be it.

Bad things happen in life, we all take turns in that spot, being "that" person. When my father was sick, being at work was very much a therapeutic outlet for me. I like the normalcy, that for 8-10 hours per day I was someone else's nurse, I was able to have some control (we never actually have control but it feels more "in control" being at work). Sure, parents aren't the same as spouse, but I understand where you're at with it. During both rounds of cancer treatment I've limited the people I've told at work because I don't want it to consume me at work. I think my coworkers humbled me with it - my dad has had most of his treatment in the same facility I work in. It's meant that his name has been on the OR schedule multiple times, so I think they're letting me believe it's not significant or well known.

Sometimes you just need to have *one* part of life that isn't catastrophically different. We're many things to many people - and sometimes not having a significant change with just one label is comforting.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ICU; Telephone Triage Nurse.

You have just had a major life changing event - Lord above, do I know guilt is part of the mass of feelings that accompany death. It doesn't really matter if the guilt is rational, it comes along for the ride.

Death is so final we as humans have difficulty coming to terms with it and fit it into our own place in our world. Mortality (ours, others) is never comfortable contemplating.

That being said, if being at work is better then not then that's where you should be (with the disclaimer you really are okay being there).

No need to feel like you are bringing down the unit - things happen all the time and people flex with it.

I know you may tire of hearing this, but I really am so sorry for the loss of your husband and friend. I just had the 1 year anniversary of a significant death, and everyday is a struggle. Although I am coming to terms with it it still hurts plenty.

Do what you need to do for you now, your unit will be okay ultimately. And God bless.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You know losing your husband must be so hard and I don't blame you for working to work through it. However, you will have to face the grief and we will have different times when we are ready. It is not wrong and you are not being selfish, but please take care of yourself. Recognize when you are at your limit and put a pause button if you need to. I think you need to take time off when you are ready, but its okay to not be the same. How can you when you have a big loss you are going through? I am so sorry for you and that you need time to go through the grief. We work to help others but usually leave ourselves last to deal with. Then when we have to face ourselves and struggles, it can be so overwhelming. We are human and have emotions too, so keep doing what is helping you. Expressing feelings is okay and a part of who we are. Stay strong and reach out when you need to. We all need someone to raise us up, especially in very difficult times.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.

Your husband's recent death and your grief/response are nothing to apologize for. We nurses apologize for anything going on with us as if it was a personal short-coming we need to 'fix".

It isn't. It's being human.

I echo all who have written their condolences and their wisdom about grief/grieving.

Time will wear away the rough edges, but even then sharp stabs of grief will appear as if out of nowhere when you least expect it. That's a human-thing, too.

Prayers and best wishes...

Up Vote Up Vote ×

First I am so sorry for your loss! I empathize. Less than a year ago my brother who I'm very close to took his own life. I was way to hard on myself and filled with guilt as well over just about everything! This is not uncommon or abnormal for you to feel that way. But please don't feel like a burden to anyone. You are grieving and you are going to struggle in different parts of your life because of what you are feeling and going through. I find that when I tell myself, "it's ok to be, NOT okay" then I do a little better, and am less hard on myself. So expect yourself to be feeling all types of sorrow and grief. That's understandable and it's normal. Don't expect yourself to be the same cheery/happy nurse you were before, all the time. That's unreasonable to hold yourself to those standards. You will feel better again and you will be able to have a better grasp on your emotions but it's going to take time and that is okay. Let yourself go through it and reach out for help when you need it. I'm sure your coworkers just want the best for you as well.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and no end in sight.

I do have an awesome group of coworkers who have been just amazing in helping me.out, and giving me space when I ask for it too.

It is just so hard some days to realize that no part of my life will ever be the same.

I chickened out on grief support group yesterday, but recognize that I need some additional help.

I am so thankful for my nursing career because I can actually afford all my bills on my salary alone, so that is one thing I don't have to worry about.

Thank you again for all your kind words.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.

Lots of folks will go out of their way to avoid deep feelings (I don't see you doing that); it is a very uncomfortable thing to be vulnerable. We think, "I should.....", but everyone is different, so there really aren't any 'shoulds' here.

Nurses by nature want to allay the discomfort of others, but in your case, and under these circumstances you are not a nurse, you are wife suffering the loss of her husband.

All any of us can do is the best we can do. There is no method of measurement to see our 'achievement', nor a time element that must be adhered to.

The Golden Rule says "Do unto others that which you would have done unto you."

I read something once (paraphrasing here) that should follow the Golden Rule: "What if 'the least of these, my brethren' is YOU?"

If you would extend something to others, to help w/ healing in whatever aspect you can, why wouldn't you also extend that to yourself?

It's a hard thing to do. But necessary.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment