Please help, this is complicated.

[Cruella de ville]

Hello nurses, I am.looking for some advice. I am in a complicated situation and would like some feedback.

Here is my situation. I have been at my current job for almost a year, last month my husband of 20+ years died suddenly. Needless to say I am devestated and my whole life is shattered. I have great family and friends who are supportive and have been amazing.

My new job and all my co-workers have also been so helpful, and I feel so thankful every day for my job.

I went back to work about a week after he died mostly because I was just overwhelmed at home and it was easier to get to work and deal with other people's issues.

I have been doing ok at work (better than @home) but am starting to feel guilty when I feel like I am bringing down the fun atmosphere we have always had on our awesome unit.

I feel bad for the teammates who get paired with me when I don't feel like I am the same nurse I was a month ago.

Am I being selfish for going to work just to escape my own reality?

You guys have a way of telling it like it is and I am sure some of you have probably dealt with similar situations with coworkers.

Do you have any advice?

[dec2007]

No, you are NOT selfish! It is natural to grieve your loss, whether you are at work or at home. And that would be my only concern. If work helps you cope, by all means work. But don't stuff down your grief. You will never heal if you don't let yourself experience your emotions. God bless you!

[Spine_CRNA, BSN, RN]

Don't feel guilty about being sad and behaving normally after the death of your husband. It's tomfoolery. This is a time to be selfish in life and take of yourself.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I also find it easier to get back into the "normal" swim of things than sit home, especially if I'd be sitting there alone, which might be

your new situation.

I think you would be wise to work if that is how you find some peace, some time away from feeling the severe loss you have suffered.

You might want to get involved with a grief support group or 2 or another type of group that gives you comfort and stamina.

Please don't take this the wrong way. But don't expect everyone to be in your corner, though, or for more than a fairly brief period.

America, where I assume you are, is not the most enlightened place when it comes to allowing people time to grieve, or, for example,

40 days to primarily rest after childbirth the way some cultures seem to do. It seems we expect of ourselves and our fellows that we take

a very brief time and then bounce back. Most employers give 3 days off for bereavement or maybe 5 if you have to travel out of state.

Many places do likely give longer if you ask.

When my loved one died, people were sympathetic for a couple of weeks. Then my boss told me I needed to "come back",

meaning mentally and emotionally, as I had already returned to work physically. It was quite a slap in the face, but she was right. Hurtful though her words

were - yes, she could have been kinder about her way of saying it - I did realize that I could be sad for 16 hours per day and only had to

be "normal" for 8. And that has been my way ever since.

You will go through many and maybe varied emotions over the next weeks, months, years. Sad, angry, scared, indecisive, joyful, grateful

for the good years you had together and the many memories you made together, both happy and otherwise, etc.

You don't need permission to grieve in your own way. In time, you might want to make changes - move, meet new people, have a

social life again, write about your experience, do volunteering, travel, revise your house, etc. - but do it all in your own way, your own time.

Don't talk a whole lot about it at work, even though people are nice. It is still the workplace. I'm not saying it to be cruel, just relating

what I have experienced, both as the grieving person and the coworker. They all do still have their own problems, they still have work

to do. I think it's cruel how life seems to just go on no matter what devastation we suffer. But it definitely does. And I needed to not talk

about it myself all the time. I needed work to be comfortable, as it had been before and so did they. And it's fine to let people know that you do

realize that everyone has their own hurts and that you want to be there for them and want to help them, just as they are there for you.

Also, it is not unusual for people to go back to work but find they need more time off after a while. If you do need it, don't feel badly. I think

most people, including your boss, want to help, they just might need you to say what you need.

God bless you and comfort you, give you strength and peace. Thank you for sharing here.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

You are going through the stages of grief. This is not the time to " feel bad for the teammates who get paired with me".

You are in shock, take care of YOURSELF first. You are not escaping reality.. you are taking time to process grieving.

When my mother dropped dead, I was in the shock phase of grief. I knew I would not be able to take care of sick and dying patients. I asked for one month off. Nursing administration denied my request. I quit on the spot. Nurses are humans.. and deserve time to grieve.

I'm sorry about your Mom, BTDT, and sorry that your bosses did that. How are you doing?

I couldn't agree more about shock. Denial, disbelief, not real, shock. That gets us through at first, when the loss is so severe. Without the numbness and denial, we might not be able to make it those first few days and weeks.

I hope you are well. God bless.

[babynurse4u]

My mom passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago. I was sitting in the ICU waiting room for a week-I actually went back to work while she was hospitalized, thinking she was on the upswing only to be called back home . We took her off the vent and she went home. I went back to week almost immediately, because of the same reasons you did. Give yourself time, and going back to work was not selfish-it may save your life in the long run. When you need a break you will know and then you should take some time off. The grief hits you later after the numbness wears off. Not a day goes by that I do not think about her and miss her presence, but having the love and support of my co-workers was what got me through the rough times. Let them be there for you, and please accept my deepest condolences. You are a strong lady!

[KoffeyRN]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think going back to work was selfish at all.