Please help, this is complicated.

[Cruella de ville]

Hello nurses, I am.looking for some advice. I am in a complicated situation and would like some feedback.

Here is my situation. I have been at my current job for almost a year, last month my husband of 20+ years died suddenly. Needless to say I am devestated and my whole life is shattered. I have great family and friends who are supportive and have been amazing.

My new job and all my co-workers have also been so helpful, and I feel so thankful every day for my job.

I went back to work about a week after he died mostly because I was just overwhelmed at home and it was easier to get to work and deal with other people's issues.

I have been doing ok at work (better than @home) but am starting to feel guilty when I feel like I am bringing down the fun atmosphere we have always had on our awesome unit.

I feel bad for the teammates who get paired with me when I don't feel like I am the same nurse I was a month ago.

Am I being selfish for going to work just to escape my own reality?

You guys have a way of telling it like it is and I am sure some of you have probably dealt with similar situations with coworkers.

Do you have any advice?

[Lamharr]

No.....it's called healing. As you know a wound doesn't heal over night. Give yourself time and look for a support group to join.

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

I am deeply sorry for the shocking loss of your husband. What you are going through is so devastating, and we all are different, and all have different ways to deal with the emptiness death of a loved one causes.

Several years ago, I met a young man ( he was only 21 at the time). He became very good friends with my girls and I. In fact, so did his family. However, my youngest daughter was raped on campus by a boy who was from a college across from the town where she was attending a specialized University. She was devastated, and I was shocked when I received her call. Of course, as a parent who adores her children, my immediate reaction was so much anger I wanted to kill him.

As time passed, she became depressed and I so wanted to help her, so I phoned Bobby. (He was the young man I'm writing about, and he became the light of my daughter's and my life.) I eventually phoned him and begged him to join my little girl because she needed some encouragement. (I had no idea he was attending the university near where he lived at the time.) He went to my daughter's university after he left the university he was attending, with only a few pair of socks a couple changes of clothing, and a couple pair of underwear, and enrolled as a new student.

They eventually fell in love and made plans to marry after they completed their education. Both were planning on a career in teaching.

At the end of the school year, as he and my daughter were sitting together on the gym floor waiting for the rest of class to finish testing out in Tae-Kwan-Do, He moaned my daughter's name. She looked at him as his eyes rolled up in his head, and he collapsed in her arms. He had a sudden death MI.

It took me three years to come to terms with his death even though I went home after his funeral. I burst out crying in front of my co-workers without warning. His picture now hangs on my wall where I can look at it every day if I choose to.

[kakamegamama]

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how devastating that is, as my own first husband died unexpectedly.

You are NOT responsible for how your coworkers respond to you. THEY are.

You are NOT responsible for bringing down the atmosphere.

You did what you thought was best for you regarding an early return to work. I also returned about a week after we buried my husband. Although I probably would have been better off staying at home for a while longer, I wanted to fulfill my work responsibilities, and I would have been alone while our child was in school. Those empty rooms echoed of him.

Please feel free to private message me. This journey is one best shared, in my opinion.

One day at a time. Maybe even one step at a time is all that you can do, so don't be hard on yourself.

Please take care of yourself. May the God of all comfort comfort you and yours in the days ahead.

[kakamegamama]

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. I too am a widow of less than a year and I feel for you.

However, don't try to put your grief away too quickly. It's a mistake many of us make, and it always comes back to bite us. If working makes you feel better, by all means do it; just be aware that things will never be the same. You have a 'new normal' to find, and that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to drink deeply of the wisdom of those who have been where you are. It sounds like you have some good friends who are supportive of you; let yourself be supported. I am glad you work in a place that is understanding and willing to work with you as you go through this transition.

I'm praying for comfort and healing for you. ((((HUGS))))

You are so right about us trying to put grief away too quickly. I realized in my own widow journey that it was a taskmaster unlike no other that I had to walk with for a season. I remember the day I realized what "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" meant. It means walking THROUGH, not setting up camp. But, that is a process that we all have to follow in the speed that is best for us, and that speed may be different than someone else's.

Your advice to the OP is spot on, I think.

It does get better as time goes on.

Prayers for you as well for comfort and healing in your ongoing journey.

[kakamegamama]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and no end in sight.

I do have an awesome group of coworkers who have been just amazing in helping me.out, and giving me space when I ask for it too.

It is just so hard some days to realize that no part of my life will ever be the same.

I chickened out on grief support group yesterday, but recognize that I need some additional help.

I am so thankful for my nursing career because I can actually afford all my bills on my salary alone, so that is one thing I don't have to worry about.

Thank you again for all your kind words.

When you are ready for a grief support group, if ever, you will know. Sometimes even that needs to wait as you "nurse your own wounds" before you are ready to open them up to others. God bless.

[Dgeertsema]

Please seek counseling. There's no shame in that. Further, I know there has to be support groups. You can't escape pain. You must face it in order to recover. Jesus hears all prayers. Please release your pain to the one who created both you and your husband. So pray and seek support.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

You are going through the stages of grief. This is not the time to " feel bad for the teammates who get paired with me".

You are in shock, take care of YOURSELF first. You are not escaping reality.. you are taking time to process grieving.

When my mother dropped dead, I was in the shock phase of grief. I knew I would not be able to take care of sick and dying patients. I asked for one month off. Nursing administration denied my request. I quit on the spot. Nurses are humans.. and deserve time to grieve.

[Cruella de ville]

((Hugs)).

I agree with the others, do what makes you feel better. If that's being at work - then do that. If that's taking some time off work, take the time off if you can. I am with the others, if I were your coworker I would be there for you 1000%. If that means you need some time to not be 100% yourself as usual, then so be it.

Bad things happen in life, we all take turns in that spot, being "that" person. When my father was sick, being at work was very much a therapeutic outlet for me. I like the normalcy, that for 8-10 hours per day I was someone else's nurse, I was able to have some control (we never actually have control but it feels more "in control" being at work). Sure, parents aren't the same as spouse, but I understand where you're at with it. During both rounds of cancer treatment I've limited the people I've told at work because I don't want it to consume me at work. I think my coworkers humbled me with it - my dad has had most of his treatment in the same facility I work in. It's meant that his name has been on the OR schedule multiple times, so I think they're letting me believe it's not significant or well known.

Sometimes you just need to have *one* part of life that isn't catastrophically different. We're many things to many people - and sometimes not having a significant change with just one label is comforting.

^this^

Somehow you managed to sum up part of how I am feeling.

Thank you.

[organichombre, ADN, BSN, MSN, LPN, RN]

My wife has been a nurse for 30 years. This spring she lost her daughter and grandson. Grieve as you have loved and please if you feel the need, find a grief support group and attend.

God bless you

[TessLJ]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think you must be a very compassionate person to be going through this loss and thinking about how your co-workers are affected. When my brother passed away while I was in nursing school long ago, it did result in friends avoiding me and staying away because they felt odd being happy and silly around me when I was going through a sad time, or they would get uncomfortable when I wanted to talk about him. I think the group support is a great idea for you, because it will allow you to meet and talk with people who can relate to your experience. It's time to take care of yourself and do what helps you cope with the loss of your husband and your suddenly very different life, and if working helps, then that's what you need. I think it also wouldn't hurt to be up front with your co-workers, and tell them how you feel and your worries about bringing everyone down. Tell them how much being there among them helps you. People usually only want to help, and they don't usually know what to do or say, so telling them how much they help might lift everyone's spirits.

[whatdayisit11to7Nrse]

I'm really glad that you have good coworkers and a good career and that you can still see the positive things in your life, because that's a very hard thing to do! I still have moments where I pick up the phone to call my brother because something funny happened, or because I need someone to talk to when I'm upset, and then I quickly realize I cannot do that. It's even harder when you live with someone and they are not there anymore. So it's not going to be easy, it is anything but that...but be proud of yourself for posting here and reaching out and for just getting through day by day. There will be bad and good days ahead, but you seem incredibly strong...and in time it WILL get easier. Take care and please don't hesitate to inbox me if you'd like to. And keep us posted! Wish you all the best xoxo

[KeirmaRN]

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Please know that there is no right way to grieve, everyone should be able to deal with grief in a way that works best for them. I wanted to recommend a book that was written by Sheryl Sandberg when she lost her husband suddenly. It is titled "Option B". I think it can help.