I'm wondering, have you all run into coworkers who appear to be overextending the grace period after a personal loss or life struggle? How long should the team pick up the slack or continue to be understanding of subpar work?
You don't want to be heartless, but I do feel there should be a time limit. We all have our struggles and losses, they are part of life.
I feel as if our modern society, in general, doesn't have the healthy rituals that helped our ancestors cope with the far more frequent losses that they had to bear.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I spent some time in New Orleans last year, and everyone I met had their Katrina story to tell. It's been 13 years since Katrina! Having been through Irma, which uncovered a lot of structural issues in our home, I understand it -- or at least part of it. But the people who were in the jail, the convention center or at the airport -- I don't think they will ever get over it, and I'm sure that those of us who weren't there have NO idea what they went through. There was a story on this website written by a nurse who went through Katrina and the aftermath AT WORK. I wish I could find it again, because that story was chilling.
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
On 2/3/2019 at 3:55 AM, kbrn2002 said:
A difficult and thought provoking question to be sure. While it's not grieving a loss, a CNA co-worker has been going through a rough patch with depression. She calls out frequently and when she is able to physically make it to work she's certainly not at her best. Her co-workers have been picking up a lot of slack and they are starting to complain. Hard to blame them when there are only 2 CNA's for 22 residents and one of them is carrying by far the heavier burden. Nobody wants to bring it up though for fear of making her depression even worse, the poor lady is obviously in a fragile state. This has been going on for a good couple of months and everybody has been supportive so far, but how much longer will her partner CNA keep taking on the majority of her work without getting upset enough to say something? It's getting pretty close to the point where the aid that works with her most is going to tell her to step it up some or just take time off if she can't work at her best.
I think this is where the manager needs to get involved, because it is not sustainable for one employee to carry another one indefinitely. A discussion needs to happen between the manager and the ailing coworker to assess what resources are available. Can the employee take some time off? Is there an employee assistance program? Can the employee be assigned to lighter duties and another CNA hired for regular patient care?
It's not okay for the manager to ignore the situation and unfairly burden other workers. If the manager is not aware of the situation, then someone needs to fill her in.
As others have so eloquently stated, grief is individual. When my in-laws died, I took no time off except for the day of the funeral. I wanted to support my husband but as in both incidences, it was very expected, the grief had already been expressed.
Recently, my brother died very unexpectedly and as he was several years younger than me, it caught me by surprise. My practice does not provide for bereavement leave for siblings but I did take 3 days off.
On the other hand, we are going thru a very stressful event currently with a grandchild and though grief is not the emotion, it does consume my thoughts. I try to separate my home life from my work life as we (nurses/providers) are expected to do.
This topic hits home with me, my husband died in 2017 and I have had days when I really struggled at work (and at home).
I have tried very hard not to use my grief as an excuse not to be a hard worker, in fact, I will try to keep busy when I start to get sad. Somehow stocking and organizing are a great coping mechanism.
I worry every day that I am a burden to my co-workers and my New Years Resolution was to stop talking about him at work . Though it can be hard if someone is really complaining a lot about their spouse I just have to get up and leave for a bit.
I have only asked to switch assignments once in a case that was too similar and I couldn't even walk in their room without tearing up and the only thing I delegate is the "belongings bag" since I have the exact one still under our bed with his stuff I brought home from the hospital. What a horrible feeling, you walk into the hospital as a married woman and leave, shattered and broken only carrying a small bag of clothes to a house that will never be the same again.
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
On 2/3/2019 at 2:41 AM, thoughtful21 said:
This topic made me think a lot.
Perhaps in our society people tend to be self-centered. Our own struggle is bigger and more real to us than anyone else's. It is easy for us to lose perspective, to lose sight of the struggles that other people are going through.
I've been as guilty of this as anyone! It has been hard at times to have enough extra energy to empathize with others.
I've also been on the receiving end. A close family friend is very caught up in the throes of caring for their first child, who has had a few health problems, but is doing very well overall. We have really tried to be there to support them. They didn't even take the time to send a card (or acknowledge it in any way) when my grandma died. TBH, this friend didn't offer support when my husband's parent's died years ago, either. So overall this is just the way they are I think -- self-centered. They frequently describe all the struggles they've had in great, colorful detail and say that no one else could understand what they’re going through. Which is true to an extent… but compare the story that @Nurse Beth shared. From my nursing standpoint, they don't have good coping skills or perspective. They expect a lot of sympathy and support, but give none in return. Perhaps I should reconsider their status as a close family friend, hmm?
It is not my business to judge someone else's grief/struggle. I try to be empathetic, kind, and supportive. But when they don't give support back, and they take more than they give, and they always want recognition for how much they are suffering...it's hard. I dunno. Maybe I'm the bad guy here. But they're not the only ones who have ever been through something like that, and everyone has struggles of our own.
Perhaps it is a matter of perspective(s).
@Davey Do has a good point when he says that a victim mentality is not good/helpful.
Thank you! Good topic!
I lost my oldest son to leukemia at the age of 13. He died about three years after my youngest son was diagnosed with a brain tumor (who is alive and doing well). Between those, my father died, three of my grandparents died, I went through a divorce and a foreclosure of the home we had shared and lost a job unexpectedly and went through bankruptcy proceedings. I now refer to that time as the seven year **** sandwich. I have since recovered financially, got myself through nursing school past the graduate level, bought a house in my name alone, remarried and have learned to live without my oldest son while carrying around a whole lot of traumatic memories that are honestly indescribable. I am okay by any sense of the definition, but I walk around profoundly emotionally wounded and pretty limited in my emotional capacity to help others shore up.
I speak openly about my own experiences and grief because it helps me define who I am now and because part of me still, frankly, can't believe my life has turned out this way. It helps ground me in reality. But "being there" for others is more than I am able to do most of the time. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am super painfully compassionate. I thrive as a nurse, where I have a defined job to do and a finite amount of time in which to do it in. But a friend of mine has a teenaged daughter who is actively suicidal. I can't do much for her with that. That load on top of what I shore up beneath carrying around as a matter of my own factual struggle to keep on keepin' on is just more than I can handle. I can't be the person she calls when she is falling apart over her daughter's continuing condition.
I accept I am damaged and I am open with friends about what I can and cannot do, can and cannot listen to. In order to maintain my at times fragile ability to move along in the world, I have to have pretty firm and specific boundaries and often those involve not trying to get pulled in to other people's problems, particularly those involving the health of youngesters, because though I empathize, it does me active psychological harm that can take literal days for me to get past. I make donations. I walk for good causes. And it sucks. I'd like to be better, but I don't have the emotional resources to be the go-to person...yet when you have been there, people automatically seem to think that means you will be super compassionate and understanding and have emotional resources to spare. I sure hope the fact that I don't doesn't make me selfish. Some things are just too much to ask and too close to home. If that makes me "selfish", I guess I am. It isn't that I think my problems are bigger than anyone else's. The fact that everyone has something they need understanding about has helped me not feel singled out by God for horrible stuff to happen. But I still have to be pretty careful about what I let into my inner emotional sanctum and its been 12 years now.
All this is just to say what you think other people ought to be capable of.....they often are just not and it has nothing to do with an inflated sense of self-importance. Labeling them as selfish is without generosity and that is unfortunate. It does nothing but isolate - both them from you and you from them. We all have things we have to go through. We are not all equally equipped for the journey and even if we start out that way, we don't all end up unscathed. Some of us are doing good just to find joy in life again.
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
5 hours ago, Mn nurse 22 said:
This topic hits home with me, my husband died in 2017 and I have had days when I really struggled at work (and at home).
I have tried very hard not to use my grief as an excuse not to be a hard worker, in fact, I will try to keep busy when I start to get sad. Somehow stocking and organizing are a great coping mechanism.
I worry every day that I am a burden to my co-workers and my New Years Resolution was to stop talking about him at work . Though it can be hard if someone is really complaining a lot about their spouse I just have to get up and leave for a bit.
I have only asked to switch assignments once in a case that was too similar and I couldn't even walk in their room without tearing up and the only thing I delegate is the "belongings bag" since I have the exact one still under our bed with his stuff I brought home from the hospital. What a horrible feeling, you walk into the hospital as a married woman and leave, shattered and broken only carrying a small bag of clothes to a house that will never be the same again.
I'm so sorry about what you are going through. Sending you thoughts of peace, comfort and healing.
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
4 hours ago, Mn nurse 22 said:
I have only asked to switch assignments once in a case that was too similar and I couldn't even walk in their room without tearing up and the only thing I delegate is the "belongings bag" since I have the exact one still under our bed with his stuff I brought home from the hospital. What a horrible feeling, you walk into the hospital as a married woman and leave, shattered and broken only carrying a small bag of clothes to a house that will never be the same again.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I too have a small bag of my husband's belongings behind the recliner in my bedroom which I haven't had the heart to deal with even though he died 2 1/2 years ago. I also know what you mean by walking into the hospital as a married woman and leaving as a widow...my hubby passed at 0310 and the worst part of the entire experience was having to leave him there and knowing he would never come home again.
Darned sweaty eyeballs! I thought I'd cried that out a long time ago, but obviously I haven't. I hope you're doing all right...according to my psychiatrist, it takes around three years for life to return to some semblance of normalcy. You've got a way to go on that one, but it sounds like you're adjusting well. I don't know if you had time to prepare for your husband's death, but I had three years---he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the summer of 2013 and died in the summer of 2016. I think that helped some with the grieving process, but not everyone is that "lucky", if you can call it that.
I worry every day that I am a burden to my co-workers and my New Years Resolution was to stop talking about him at work .
I echo @TriciaJ. Also just wanted to say that if this resolution is for youbecause you believe that it will help your personal healing, then by all means. But if it's mostly out of co-worker-related concern, please don't think you can't speak of your DH.
Darned sweaty eyeballs! I thought I'd cried that out a long time ago, but obviously I haven't. I hope you're doing all right...according to my psychiatrist, it takes around three years for life to return to some semblance of normalcy. You've got a way to go on that one, but it sounds like you're adjusting well. I don't know if you had time to prepare for your husband's death, but I had three years---he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the summer of 2013 and died in the summer of 2016. I think that helped some with the grieving process, but not everyone is that "lucky", if you can call it that.
You have my sympathies. God bless you.
No warning, but I didn't have to watch him suffer so I think both ways have their downsides.
if by adjusting well you mean our carts are always well stocked and staffing always knows who to call when they need someone to pick up OR then I'm doing fine.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think I am a more compassionate nurse than I was. I'm not scared to talk to a patient about the death of their spouse, though i rarely bring up my own loss. I recognize that these patients who we barely know may forever remember our faces and our words when they are hearing devestating news and it helps me to slow down and try to help them process because I will never forget the care and kindness of the ER doc who I will nbever forget. He made sure he was the one who delivered the news to several of my family members because I couldn't get those words out yet. He answered every question over and over and let us take as much time as we needed.
Oh yes! I have worked with a few people who milk it for all it's worth. One lady in particular had her father die. Over a two or three week period, she would frequently call in sick with stomachaches and headaches, have others pick up her slack, and would play the, "My father just died!" card all the time. During the many, many crying fits she had, it came forward that she hadn't spoken to her father since she was about 3. The man had died over a year ago, and her family just found out about it. HR and management followed up with the grieving woman and the antics stopped soon after. Suddenly it made sense why she hadn't booked bereavement time off.
I am more than understanding when people lose someone they love, but there is a limit. I feel so horrible for saying it, but I think a week is long enough to let others pick up your slack. Don't go longer than that! Grieving is different for everyone, and some people need more time or less time. If you're still in shock and can't function, you should not be at work having others pick up your slack. People dying is just something we all have to handle at some point. I feel like being a nurse has hardened me in some ways because I grieve and "recover" from people dying quite quickly.
I've lost people before, and yes, it's sad. I may not be emotionally "ready" to go back to work after three days, or indeed have a shift the same day as the funeral, but working keeps my mind occupied. I find that I need to just keep my normal routine, and I don't let others pick up my slack. If I need a moment to collect my thoughts, I do it and take a deep breath and carry on. There are people who need you at work. Once I'm outside of work, I focus on my needs and the needs of my family.
At one point in my life, I was a basket case due to a personal situation. I made the mistake of talking about it to someone at work. She decided to share it with others. Soon the whole place knew, including the boss, who let me know I needed to shape up or ship out.
I decided then to never again tell anyone at work my personal business.
Many years ago, I lost a close relative. He was young and it was unexpected. I took off about a week, I think. When I got back, the boss let me know that she expected me to be fully up and running as of that day. I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect that I perform 100%, but her manner was cold. There was no preface, no pretext of sympathy, just get back in the swim, fully, now.
I find I don't have a whole lot of patience for people who want to share their personal info, including tragedies, at work. It's ok once or twice or even 3 times. But I do have my own troubles, not to mention work to do. So I don't want to keep hearing others' troubles, especially if the person isn't seeming to be doing anything to change for the better or take some positive steps. Maybe I am like that because I got so little sympathy at work when I would have appreciated it.
I actually have always found it therapeutic to get back to work and focus on it for a few hours. My sorrow and troubles will still be home waiting for me when I get back. And eventually they do fade away. Time really does help heal. Although every time now when I hear about these school shootings, police excessive force, or other abuse, I find that I feel like crying. In years past, I didn't. Testosterone, you know. Do you think I have low T, LOL, or is it just one hurt being piled on top of another, on top of another, on top of another and the effect is cumulative? Or am I getting weak in my old age?
I worked with 1 nurse who would sit right in the Nurses' Station and talk endlessly, loudly, and in detail about her sex life. After I had had a bellyfull of it, I asked her if she would mind terribly not doing it. She really looked shocked. Then she started to get mad. So I made a little joke and said I was starting to get jealous. So she let up. For a while, a little. Some folks don't realize or care that some topics are just not right for the job. Especially if others are forced to hear.
Ruby Vee, BSN
17 Articles; 14,051 Posts
I spent some time in New Orleans last year, and everyone I met had their Katrina story to tell. It's been 13 years since Katrina! Having been through Irma, which uncovered a lot of structural issues in our home, I understand it -- or at least part of it. But the people who were in the jail, the convention center or at the airport -- I don't think they will ever get over it, and I'm sure that those of us who weren't there have NO idea what they went through. There was a story on this website written by a nurse who went through Katrina and the aftermath AT WORK. I wish I could find it again, because that story was chilling.