I started working weekends in March (I still work weekdays) and the weekend nursing supervisor has been extremely flirtatious towards me. He makes sexually suggestive comments towards me, holds my hand, brushes up against me, rubs my arm, draws smiley faces on my paperwork that I leave at my computer when I am in a patient's room, he has given me his cell phone number and has asked repeatedly why I don't text or call him.
For example I am working on the computer and have my hand on the mouse, he comes up behind me and puts his hand over mine and will then pick up my hand and holds it. He said, "your hands are cold, I can warm you up. Would you like it if I warmed you up?"
One day I offered to help a NA roll a patient in the bed so he could get cleaned up. The supervisor said to me, "you can help me in bed." I said, "I doubt you need help." He said, "you never know, why don't you offer to help me out?"
I was about to use a bladder scanner on a patient and the supervisor took the lubricant, squirted it onto his hand, then rubbed it onto my arm. I was shocked. He said, "I have wanted to put some lubricant on you for a long time." I walked off to get paper towels to clean it up, and he came after me and took the towels and wiped it off my arm.
I was standing at the ER doorway waiting for the ambulance to bring in a patient and he stood beside me and started to tap and rub his foot on my shoe. I said, "Your shoes have sparkles on them. I didn't know you liked sparkles." (I honestly thought he would get offended and stop.) He said, "there's a lot of things you don't know about me. All you have to do is ask. I'd like you to get to know me better."
There are a lot of incidents like this. My coworkers know what's going on and some have said "you just have to know how to take him when he makes comments and he is like that to some nurses." Some have said he has been fired from several jobs because of sexual harassment. Even patients have seen some of this behavior and have said that they think it is wrong (he will come into a patient's room with me to see what I am doing or if I need anything or to just check on me).
I don't want to be rude and I do want it to stop, but I definitely don't want to lose my job. I am seriously afraid to say anything. This is the nursing supervisor, so this is my boss's boss. Part of me thinks I might be overly sensitive and overreacting. I've just never had anyone be like this around me. I have not seen him do this to other nurses. I did hear that he was like this to an ICU nurse years ago, but she no longer works here.
So what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is there anything that I can do? Part of me thinks I just need to deal with it and eventually he will stop.
I have read every post and thank you for taking your time to comment on this. I will start telling him no and that it makes me uncomfortable. I am a very passive person and I avoid conflict, so this is not easy for me. I'm sure many of you think "what's her problem?" but the idea of me telling a person to stop is very difficult. I am the type that prefers to keep the peace and put up with something rather than cause a scene and then people think badly about me. I am a people pleaser, and I know my personality is doing more harm than good in this situation.
I worked very hard to be able to go to nursing school and become a nurse. I did it without any support- my husband hates that I work and asks me to quit almost every day. I had to threaten divorce to just go to nursing school. Nursing has been a dream of mine for many years, and I needed to do this for me and to be able to not have to rely on someone else to financially support me. I want to be able to take care of myself and my kids on my own if I have to. My husband hates that and I constantly hear about how I am destroying my family and ruining the kids' lives by being so selfish. It is a major sore spot in our marriage, so I don't want to give my husband one more reason to tell me to quit or to be mad about all of this. I need to be able to handle this without him, and I don't see how he would be helpful in any way. He's never around, so it would simply be him talking to me on the phone about it, but I would still like to avoid it if possible.
I will start documenting everything and I think the emails to myself is a good idea. I will try telling him no and not talking to him at all unless it is about work. I will also start walking to my car with others. If I don't see any results, then I will have to go to HR. I thought about going to my nurse manager, but figured that wouldn't so much good since he oversees her too. Our supervisors oversee the whole hospital and cover it 24/7, while there are multiple managers for each department and are there only during normal day time hours (7 or 8am til 4 or 5pm). He is the only supervisor that is hands on and will even stick an IV on a patient if no one else can. All the others are more about paperwork and monitoring everyone. We only have one supervisor working at a time.
I am a new grad nurse and I've only been working here (my first nursing job) for almost a year. I didn't start working every other weekend until March, which is required, and he is the supervisor on the weekends. So those are the only times we work together. I do love my job. It's not like I can simply go get another hospital job that will work so well for my home situation. I have worked very hard to get here and I don't want to lose it.
I will start being firm, start saying no, walking with others to my car at night, and documenting everything. If none of that works, I will have to go to HR. I'm not sure they will do anything because I have been told this has happened before and clearly he still works here and the other nurses don't. So I don't think my chances of being successful are very good.
The thing is, I DO understand. There was a situation a few years ago (not nursing-related) where a person unintentionally sent me into a 6 month tailspin. It's a complicated story, but it started with a moment of that person doing something they shouldn't have, in front of people whom I previously trusted, who should've kept it from happening. I didn't say anything when it happened because I didn't want to be a drama queen, I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing, I didn't want to make it about me. I didn't want to rock the boat. I let it fester for months before I spoke up, and I suffered greatly for it. In the two years since, I have found my voice. If it's something that matters - patient safety, professional integrity, violence against women, social inequality - I dare you to try to shut me up. I have learned to speak on behalf of people who haven't found their voice yet, and I've been thanked for it. But I understand where you're coming from. In some ways I've been there, and there are people that are very dear to me who struggle as well. I have my own thoughts about what I would do and what this guy deserves, but I do understand that my approach won't work for you right now.
It is not unreasonable for you to want safety from unwanted verbal and physical sexual advances, but this guy knows you struggle with assertiveness and he's specifically targeted you because of it. These creeps have sophisticated radar for vulnerable people. That's not your fault.
It's saddening that your husband doesn't support the life choices that bring you fulfillment, but that's another topic. I understand if you don't want to open a can of worms with him, but I do worry about your safety with everyone knowing your husband is away most of the time.
You may not have ideal options, but staying put and continuing to be victimized shouldn't be an option. You are worth more than that. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to be respected. You are not making a big deal about nothing.
I've read that you do plan to try to tell him no, have an escort to your car, and report him if things don't go well... I applaud you for that and strongly hope that you will still consider contacting a women's shelter for additional support and guidance. They're used to being discreet, so they're not going to do something that will alert your husband. They're not going to charge you legal fees. They're not going to put your job in jeopardy. But it's very likely they will be able to help you through this ordeal.
Please, please, please be safe. And let us know what happens.
I have read every post and thank you for taking your time to comment on this. I will start telling him no and that it makes me uncomfortable. I am a very passive person and I avoid conflict, so this is not easy for me. I'm sure many of you think "what's her problem?" but the idea of me telling a person to stop is very difficult. I am the type that prefers to keep the peace and put up with something rather than cause a scene and then people think badly about me. I am a people pleaser, and I know my personality is doing more harm than good in this situation.
I worked very hard to be able to go to nursing school and become a nurse. I did it without any support- my husband hates that I work and asks me to quit almost every day. I had to threaten divorce to just go to nursing school. Nursing has been a dream of mine for many years, and I needed to do this for me and to be able to not have to rely on someone else to financially support me. I want to be able to take care of myself and my kids on my own if I have to. My husband hates that and I constantly hear about how I am destroying my family and ruining the kids' lives by being so selfish. It is a major sore spot in our marriage, so I don't want to give my husband one more reason to tell me to quit or to be mad about all of this. I need to be able to handle this without him, and I don't see how he would be helpful in any way. He's never around, so it would simply be him talking to me on the phone about it, but I would still like to avoid it if possible.
I will start documenting everything and I think the emails to myself is a good idea. I will try telling him no and not talking to him at all unless it is about work. I will also start walking to my car with others. If I don't see any results, then I will have to go to HR. I thought about going to my nurse manager, but figured that wouldn't so much good since he oversees her too. Our supervisors oversee the whole hospital and cover it 24/7, while there are multiple managers for each department and are there only during normal day time hours (7 or 8am til 4 or 5pm). He is the only supervisor that is hands on and will even stick an IV on a patient if no one else can. All the others are more about paperwork and monitoring everyone. We only have one supervisor working at a time.
I am a new grad nurse and I've only been working here (my first nursing job) for almost a year. I didn't start working every other weekend until March, which is required, and he is the supervisor on the weekends. So those are the only times we work together. I do love my job. It's not like I can simply go get another hospital job that will work so well for my home situation. I have worked very hard to get here and I don't want to lose it.
I will start being firm, start saying no, walking with others to my car at night, and documenting everything. If none of that works, I will have to go to HR. I'm not sure they will do anything because I have been told this has happened before and clearly he still works here and the other nurses don't. So I don't think my chances of being successful are very good.
Speak with your manager. She may be able to work something out with the weekends. I would tell her everything so if you do go to HR she won't be surprised. Getting her guidance on this is important because she knows your hospital's system for dealing with these types of things and she may know more about what happened in prior cases with this supervisor.
This is said with respect...OP you are letting the men in your life dictate your actions.
You aren't giving a decisive "NO, LEAVE ME ALONE" to your harassing coworker.
You aren't getting support from your husband because he will "make" you quit your job.
What you allow is what will continue. Take small steps to get your power back. Just talking about this is a great start. If you talk to your coworkers, and let them know you don't want him around, they may back you up when you start saying "no" and try to stay with you when he is around. The great ones will tell him how inappropriate he's being when he tries to guilt you.
Good luck. We're all here if you need moral support when you do this.
I'm not positive about this, but isn't it illegal to audio record someone without their knowlege?
I'm not sure if it is illegal but I would get fired for this. Cell phones are not allowed out at work. To record anyone at the hospital, regardless of the reason, would be grounds for immediate dismissal.
Good advice here. But you definitely need to do something with this situation, op.
It sounds like you are making contingency plans for yourself and kids. But the first thing you need to do if you're going to be able to support yourself and them is not to allow abusers to control your life. Independence is as independence does.
First rule of being independent: YOU run your life. Not some manipulative abuser, no matter what you think he holds over you. Their power over you is power YOU give them. Unless you break this pattern, it will likely just continue with someone else. Manipulators can tell exactly the "type" their tricks will work on, and if you don't stop the ride there will always be others getting on, even if you escape this or that one.
Don't be afraid of setting boundaries and being assertive, rather see it as another challenge on the path to get what you want. The same path that made you pursue nursing. Change your perspective: you're not jeopardizing your career if you report him; you are protecting it. You are doing what you need to in order to continue nursing. *He* is jeopardizing your career with predatory behaviour. Ironically, part of taking control is refusing to allow abusers to shift blame to us as if we are the problem.
As others have said, first assert your autonomy and say no. Then deal with the repercussions as advised. And know that in taking control you will possibly have saved both your career and your life, either now or in the future. You have more options and more power than you think. Use them.
I'm not positive about this, but isn't it illegal to audio record someone without their knowlege?
It depends on the state. In my state it is legal to record if you are part of the conversation. But you're in deep dung if that ends up part of your evidence to management. It's probably against policy to use your phone, it's definitely against policy to record. And I just don't think it's feasible to whip out your phone and get it recording without being incredibly obvious.
I wonder what makes some people think this behavior on the job is allowed?
Make no mistake though - people do end up getting away with bad behavior even when you blow the whistle.
About 17 years ago I worked in an ICU at a Southern AZ VAMC. On this unit was an extremely elderly nursing assistant: Tony. Tony had been there since God was in diapers, and he been making leud, suggestive remarks to plenty of female co-workers over the years - and a little grab here, and little squeeze there, but no one reported this wanker. He was slick, I'll give him that: he always did it without witnesses.
One day this creep was in a room with me and a heavily sedated pt, and he came up on me unawares from behind while I was busy titrating gtt rates on my IV pumps. This ... jerk ... squeezed my breast and whispered something disgusting in my ear. I was shocked and turned to face him - I snapped his hand away which was foolishly still hovering over my chest, and a torrent of many foul and colorful expletives poured out of my mouth. I was furious! Then I let him know that was beyond inappropriate. He actually seemed shocked I got so upset!
Needless to say I reported it at first opportunity - like within minutes.
All hell broke lose because afterward many other women in this facility told me what he had done to them, and many didn't want to report it.
I insisted.
They did.
A few were actually disciplined for not coming forward sooner. (((Say what?))) …
Long story short: Tony was moved to the Step Down unit about 100 yards down the hall, and sent to some kind of behavior modification classes. Oh, and sent home unpaid for 2 weeks. But not fired for sexual harassment. He was a veteran you see.
I ran into this ... guy ... all over the hospital. Elevaters. Empty hallways. Cafeteria. On the grounds. Parking lot. Giving me the stink eye - as if I was the one at fault.
Some of his friends began to put pressure on me. Some of the other ICU nurses shunned me, and turned on me. It quickly escalated into a very hostile work environment.
I went to the union. They were shocked. They were going to get rid of this predator. They would go to administration - and strike if need be.
The head guy of the VAMC told them basically to sit down and shut up. This was none of their concern. Go away. Leave it alone - if you like your own job. The Good Ole Boy's were taking care of it.
The union went away with their tails between their legs, subdued. They made no more noises about striking. But they did set me up with a lawyer in town to talk to - paid for an hour of his time. Apparently it wasn't easy finding someone willing to go against the government. He basically told me I could do nothing, because you can't touch the federal government. He felt bad, and was embarrassed too, I could tell.
I went on like this for a few more months until I went to the reasonable accomodations committee. I was transferred to telephone triage, and worked a couple more years until I had to medically retire for an illness that nearly swallowed me whole.
Eventually I read his obituary in the paper one day. God knows how many other women this happened to even after I blew it wide open, dragging it out into the light - like dumping out a bunch of worms from a can, wiggling and squirming.
All I can say now is that I'm glad - so very glad, that this creep's days of harrassing women - while protected by administration - are finally over. But guy's like this are like cockroaches - for every one you know about how many more are out there hiding out, bidding their time?
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traumaRUs, MSN, APRN
87 Articles; 21,287 Posts
Multiple posts have been deleted to conform to the terms of service. OP - you have received some very solid advice - your safety is paramount.