No babies for this NICU nurse

madwife2002, BSN, RN · Sep 4, 2015

Moved thread to NICU nursing-better forum for responses

imenid37 · Sep 4, 2015

Honestly, with all of the people in the world who shouldn't have kids and do...why would you want to create more unwanted children? There are so many addicts and mentally ill who have children they cannot and do not care for. Last time I checked, society wasn't doing such a great job of supporting those people. I think the people who consider children and feel it isn't for them are to be commended for putting some thought into an important life decision. This is America, this is a personal choice. Again, people need to show a little sense and sensitivity and MYOB!

brownbook · Sep 4, 2015

A polite reply to, "Do you have children.?" is "no". A good way to stop more intrusive personal questions, i.e., "Why not?" is, "Why on earth do you want do know that!"

xoemmylouox, ASN, RN · Sep 4, 2015

I worked in peds for 6 years before I had kids of my own. I was frequently asked if I had kids. Many were just curious. There were a few who we nasty about it. I would often joke about not needing any since I had hundreds because of where I worked, yet I got to sleep at night and didn't have to buy diapers. Regardless if someone has an issue with it, it's there problem not yours.

djh123 · Sep 4, 2015

I don't have an kids either, but the joking response you say you tell people reminds me of my situation at the LTC/Rehab facility where I work. I give treats/food to 2 cats there, but I don't have any at home. :^)

prmenrs, RN · Sep 4, 2015

In nsg sch, they taught us this phrase: "For what reason do you wish this information?" It has proved useful on many occasions.

"you may have had 6 children, but, have you had a premie before? They're a little different!" "Well, you never know, I might teach you a thing or 2 you didn't know!"

kdkout, BSN, RN · Sep 5, 2015

Hi;

Some people are just plain rude. I have kids, and I have friends who choose, on purpose, not to have any kids and that's fine. First of all, it's not my business. Secondly, I think they are smart for knowing what they want and dont want. Try to get thicker skin and come up with a blanket statement to say to strangers (ie "Nope! I get my baby fix at work!") and then change the subject. If they keep pressing you could tell them it's not their business or just say the same blanket statement over and over again until they get the picture. A friend will understand. A jerk wont, and who cares what a jerk thinks?

I get all kinds of comments for homeschooling and all kinds of comments for (accidentally) having my kids close together and really....it's nobody's business. With friends I can talk about it openly, with others I cannot. I've learned to change subjects quickly and not let it bother me so much.

Labmom1118 · Dec 5, 2015

No, I do not have kids. And, no, I am not pregnant (Seriously, never ask somebody when they're due unless you know for sure that they are pregnant!). I just tell them no and don't elaborate because it's none of their business and my fertility has nothing to do with the care I provide. I have had a patient whom I was trying to help with breastfeeding request another nurse who has breasted herself.

morganatm7 · Dec 5, 2015

I'm so thankful I read this post. I am the type of person who always asks other people personal questions about their life, especially about their children. I have never meant to be rude or nosy, I simply like getting to know people and I love kids so I'm curious. I never knew that my questions could be hurtful or offensive.

Thank you for making me more aware that this is a sensitive subject for many people!

kdkout, BSN, RN · Dec 5, 2015

AnnaTeal-

Isnt it awful when somebody does that?? Someone I know, an antepartum nurse no less, asked me if I was pregnant a while ago. I said "no" and then she asked again like I didnt hear her! Finally I said "No, apparently I'm just FAT!" That was so depressing! Unless I see the baby's head coming out, I dont ask.

(And I no longer wear those big oversized lab jackets to keep warm. Every time I'd forget them at home someone would ask me if I was losing weight. Had no idea how much bigger I must've looked in those jackets - plus I work in a setting with babies so people tend to assume things. Now I wear those popular long sleeved t-shirts under my scrub shirts you can slide up over your elbows when entering isolette portholes, yet they are much more slenderizing than the big coats. Lesson learned).

Our.Inn · Jan 15, 2016

Thank you for this post! And for all the replies. I think it's important to normalize the idea that not every woman, either by choice or by circumstance, or both, has kids.

I know some people ask whether or not I have kids just to start a conversation, but when they ask 'why not' I feel they have gone from friendly conversation to judgement. I usually say something like 'it just didn't happen' or 'I just don't' and turn the conversation back to them, as others here have suggested.

When I have conversations with friends about this topic I tell them I'd like for everyone who answers 'yes' to the 'do you have kids' question, to be immediately asked WHY?, just to see how it feels. Why DO you have kids? And you know what? Not many people have an immediate response. You would think there would be a LOT of thought behind a decision like that, but that question catches people off guard!

SoldierNurse22, BSN, RN · Jan 15, 2016

I am childless by choice also. However, I've had a few surgeries that have made me unable to have children even if I wanted them. When patients ask me if I have children or when I'm going to, and I think they are being nosy or rude, I just say bluntly, "I can't have children." Every now and then someone will then say something about adoption, but mostly it makes people feel so bad for being insensitive that it stops the conversation right there. It is none of their business so I have no problem making them feel guilty.
Maybe I am a bad person...

Wish I could like your post more than just once.

If you're a bad person, then so am I. I work L&D. Like FlyingScot, I have also miscarried.

There are two types of people that I will readily discuss this with:

#1: Other women who have miscarried/lost babies/experienced infertility. This can be an incredibly powerful way to build rapport with a couple, especially woman to woman. Often times, patients who have this kind of history can be pretty nervous (as I expect I will be someday as well) and I think that for them, knowing that I understand their nerves and can validate their feelings helps assuage their fears. They often times take it as assurance that I'm going to do right by them because I'd expect nothing less if I were in their shoes, which is absolutely correct for all of my patients.

#2: Nosy/rude people. Yep, I had a baby. That baby didn't make it into the 2nd trimester. I miss him or her every day. That baby has a name and will be remembered in my family on earth until the day we come face to face in heaven, and until we meet, I won't allow him or her to be forgotten. Nor will I refrain from mentioning him or her when specifically asked if I have children, because yes, I do have a child, and I shouldn't be shamed into omitting that fact when asked just because he or she isn't alive/it could make the asker uncomfortable/it isn't socially acceptable to speak of deceased babies.

I have had some people respond with a fair amount of awkwardness/embarrassment to my honesty, especially the people who fall under category #2.

To them I have a standard reply: *smile* Hey, if you didn't want to know, don't ask.

My condolences for the loss of your babies, FlyingScot. I wish you only and all the best.