I don't have kids. I love babies, obviously, but I just don't plan on having any of my own. However, I am constantly asked by families if I have kids. Usually, I just say something jokingly like, "Nope, I like to take care of my babies here and then go home and sleep through the night." Rarely, this becomes a problem with discharge teaching though - recently I had a dad point blank say to me, "I have six kids and you don't have any. You don't need to try to tell me how to take care of a baby." Even coworkers ask me, "So when are you going to get one of your own?" I don't really want to get into a discussion of why I'm choosing to stay childless at work.
All you other childless nurses, do you have a go-to answer for this question? I want to be friendly, but I'm really over talking about my child-bearing plans or lack thereof with strangers and acquaintances.
Parents with over 3 kids automatically think they know more than anyone with fewer kids. Sounds like dad of six was trying to affirm his knowledge and experience at home, which (in his mind) trumps your professional experience. Sorry. I have two kids with a 10-year age difference, so I get lots of comments and questions about that. It doesn't matter if you have no kids or 12, if your experience isn't the same as the pt's they will assume you don't know their situation. Hugs.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
I'm another member of the childless-by-choice camp.
At my age, people automatically assume I have school-aged kids. Since this is back-to-school season, I occasionally get questions such as, "Have you finished your back-to-school shopping yet?"
Nowadays I allow peoples' assumptions that I have kids to go unchallenged. Yes, I did finish my back-to-school shopping. I'm the one who is enrolled in school, but I don't divulge that tidbit these days.
And imo working with kids without having any is preferable over nurses who work in a specialty because they found "their calling" when they got a kidney transplant, had a premie, became sober etc. The inappropriate self-disclosure I have heard takes the focus away from the patient.
I strongly disagree. Many of the hospice nurses I work with are top notch and in the field because of their personal experiences with hospice care/death.
One day back when I was waitressing, I had a customer asking me the same.
Her: "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No, not yet."
Her: "Why not?"
Me: "I wanted to finish my schooling, pay off my student loans, and have a stable job in my field where I'm financially stable before having children."
Her: "What's wrong with you? You'll never be financially stable. Time's a wasting, start cracking down and pop out some kids!!"
One day back when I was waitressing, I had a customer asking me the same.
Her: "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No, not yet."
Her: "Why not?"
Me: "I wanted to finish my schooling, pay off my student loans, and have a stable job in my field where I'm financially stable before having children."
Her: "What's wrong with you? You'll never be financially stable. Time's a wasting, start cracking down and pop out some kids!!"
LOL at "You'll never be financially stable."
The people I have get pushy/demanding about it ("Why not?" "What's wrong with you?" "Don't you even WANT kids?") are almost always people who seem like maybe they're not 100% satisfied with their own life choices and need other people to do everything the same way they did for validation.
Thank you for making this thread. This topic hits close to home because I am a 32 year old without kids and I work in the NICU. At the last hospital I worked at, I would float to the post-partum floor frequently. I didn't think I was weird to not have kids yet until I experienced the reality of that unit. Many of the mothers there range from age 19-25. In fact the hospital had a term I saw on a chart for a mother older than age 35 to indicate that she was at greater risks for pregnancy complications, called elderly primigravida. Really? elderly?
I found that shocking. What is worse is that I would be asked by almost every new coworker I met as a conversation starter if I had children. When I said, no, 99.99% of the time the next question was, "how old are you?". As if they were entitled to judge if I was too old to have waited to have children. I would get so annoyed, because it was their intrinsic nature. They couldn't help themselves. Everyone of them like a robotic pattern, would always ask how old I was after the "do I have children question".
It became so common of a question, that I even considered making a fictional story about how I had a child that died just so I could shut them up.
I was even asked by an older Filipino secretary, if I had thought about freezing my eggs?!? I am 32 years old!! for crying out loud. I thought that was so rude. Please if you read this, don't ask people how old they are if they don't have kids. It is really none of your damn business.
I really don't have a good answer to this question for the original poster. But, I can say that I am also in the same water as you and it has really made me think about whether I ever want kids or not. I just don't feel a drive to do so. I feel like I have already been there and done that. I have worked in child care for over 10 years and now that I know everything there is to know about having children, the reality of it has set in. It is not new and exciting. I understand the responsibility involved in it and honestly, enjoy my personal freedom right now.
Times have changed. Society requires both parents to work in order to have the same quality of life as a single family salary could have in the 1950s. I find the task of trying to work a 12 hour shift as a nurse and coming home to have to work a second shift with crying, needy children at home overwhelming. I don't want to work a second shift and have been focusing on my career. This is why I do not have children yet and don't know if I will.
I can see the reason people ask nurses in the NICU, peds, and OB if they have kids being because they are wondering if you know how they are feeling (scared, nervous, etc) having maybe been there yourself. The older generation asks because that was expected of them and gave women meaning/purpose (sad but true) in their eyes of that generation. The people who are nosy or rude about it are just rude nosy people (probably about everything). Don't take it personally. I can understand how it gets old though.
The father with six kids was just a jerk. I don't care if I had 10 kids, if I had a baby in the NICU I'd want all the advice and info I could get. You don't have to live through something to be knowledgeable or good at it. I've taken care of patients with a zillion things I've never had. That doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing.
You don't have to have kids to be a good nurse or a good person. We're living in an age where we have choices. I think that's awesome! :)
I'm child free by choice, too, and interested in working in pediatrics (specifically the ED of my local Children's Hospital) after enjoying my rotation with the kids. I think it helped, not having my own, in the sense that I wasn't projecting onto patients, "what if this were my kid in this situation?" like many of my classmates were who said working peds would be too hard for them. I like hanging out with my friends' and family's children, and we get along great, but part of that is I get to give them back to their parents.
...I wasn't blessed with my own children and am fortunate to be able to care for so many wonderful ones here.
Use the above quote ad nauseum. Say it to any and everyone who asks. It's the perfect thing to say. It's kind awful to be put in that position in the first place... Having to explain your plans for your ovaries. I know most people are just curious, but still... I also dislike how some (not all) patients/ their families assume because we're custodians of their personal health information that this somehow gives them lisence to be privy to our personal lives. Set boundaries. Be polite but firm...and redirect attention back to them/the patient.
Anna Flaxis, BSN, RN
1 Article; 2,816 Posts
I think this is perfect.
As for the Dad of Six Kids, he was just rude. It's not about you. He probably treats everybody that way. Don't give it another thought.