My husband wakes me up!

Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN · Nov 11, 2017

"Honey, I am not taking luxury naps during the day -- this is my BEDTIME. Waking me up in the middle of the day is akin to me waking you up in the middle of the night...how would you like it if I woke you up at 3 a.m. for a non-emergency? Interrupted sleep is not restorative -- therefore it puts me at risk. Of course I trust that you can understand this, and I trust that you don't want to put me at risk. Our new policy is: you may wake me up if you see blood or smoke. We will see how that goes; if nothing improves, I will have to start locking the bedroom door."

If that doesn't work, you may consider proving your point by waking him during the night.

macawake, MSN · Nov 11, 2017

Ok so I have been married a little over a year now and I work nights 7 p-7am.

My friends are envious the man is amazing I'm lucky no doubt. There's one major issue that keeps causing fights between us though.

He wakes me up all the time.

I can't get him to understand even if it was just for a minute or five that it's a big deal.

Well from your post I gather that you have probably told him on several occasions that you need your sleep and that you don't want him to wake you up/disturb you while your sleeping. I've bolded some parts of your post because I think that they are revealing. I don't know your husband but I know people. It's not that you can't get him to understand. Unless he is far below average intelligence he should understand your request just fine. It's a simple enough concept. Wife is sleeping = do not wake up wife. This isn't rocket science. For whatever reason he chooses to not respect your request. Be it resentment, power games or simple selfishness, I don't know. But it is disrespectful.

I can't tell you what to do as my own response would likely be quite harsh if someone treated me that way over and over again. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't stay around for the repeat performances in the first place. I simply wouldn't tolerate it unless the house was literally on fire, in which case I would appreciate being woken up. But that's pretty much the only exception to the do not disturb rule (I work nights).

I am aware that people who've never worked night shifts don't always understand why night workers sleep "all day long", but that shouldn't really matter if you've explained to him that your need your sleep to be uninterrupted. You telling him this ought to be sufficient. This is in my opinion an issue of respect for ones partner and being "good around the house" and envied by friends (he's not regularly waking them up in the middle of their sleep period, is he?) isn't a valid excuse or give a person carte blanche to be a jerk in other arenas.

OP, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this behavior. Night work is hard enough on your body without having your sleep sabotaged. I hope that you can find a solution to your problem.

Best wishes!

Ruby Vee, BSN · Nov 11, 2017

"Honey, I am not taking luxury naps during the day -- this is my BEDTIME. Waking me up in the middle of the day is akin to me waking you up in the middle of the night...how would you like it if I woke you up at 3 a.m. for a non-emergency? Interrupted sleep is not restorative -- therefore it puts me at risk. Of course I trust that you can understand this, and I trust that you don't want to put me at risk. Our new policy is: you may wake me up if you see blood or smoke. We will see how that goes; if nothing improves, I will have to start locking the bedroom door."
If that doesn't work, you may consider proving your point by waking him during the night.

This is probably the best response out of the ones above. TALK to him first. Explain to him that since you work at NIGHT, you will have to sleep during the day. Assume that he means well but is totally clueless (as opposed to assuming that he's out to get you in some fashion). If that doesn't work, then wake him up at night, say at 2am for some inane reason that he's used when waking you. Use the exact wording if possible. (For my ex, it was "Help me find my shoes.") You may have to repeat this tactic before he "gets it." Next time, wake him up twice.

If, after three nights of interrupted sleep he still doesn't get it, then you're not dealing with a clueless spouse. You're dealing with a disrespectful and potentially abusive spouse. And then you have a whole bunch of different decisions to make, problems to sort out.

I hope he gets it before the third night!

37changes, ASN, RN · Nov 11, 2017

I really like the hotel idea. Especially if he's involved in the finances at all, and you have a budget. Wouldn't you technically have to pay for 2 nights, in order to be there from like 7:30 am - 6:30 pm and be left alone? Yeah. See if he thinks THAT is worth it!

Julius Seizure · Nov 11, 2017

I really like the hotel idea. Especially if he's involved in the finances at all, and you have a budget. Wouldn't you technically have to pay for 2 nights, in order to be there from like 7:30 am - 6:30 pm and be left alone? Yeah. See if he thinks THAT is worth it!

Not if you go to the pay-by-the-hour type of hotel :lol2:

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · Nov 11, 2017

Not if you go to the pay-by-the-hour type of hotel

AKA the No-Tell Mo-Tel!

ProperlySeasoned · Nov 11, 2017

My spouse is a trauma surgeon, and take overnight call in the hospital(works off and on with some breaks for sleep). The next day, he will nap all afternoon. It well understood (if this is weekend and the kids and I are home) that short of an earthquake or fire, I will not wake him. There are no exceptions - it is like he is not here. That might be one way for your spouse to look at it -"pretend I am not here, and unreachable by phone. How would you solve the problem?"

37changes, ASN, RN · Nov 12, 2017

Not if you go to the pay-by-the-hour type of hotel

AKA the No-Tell Mo-Tel!

Ha -- even better!

Yes...... see how he likes it when you tell him you've officially decided that is where you must go.

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Nov 12, 2017

After doing all the explaining, and getting mad, I would be inclined to do a few household chores at 2am. Vacuum the house, it will just take a minute, right?

Guest219794 · Nov 12, 2017

I don't have children, so I am curious: At what age could a child reasonably be expected to understand that there are times when it is not OK to wake Mommy?

I would skip some of the passive/aggressive suggestions. They are just a band aid on the problem.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Nov 12, 2017

I will never forget the time my husband woke me up at noon on a Saturday. He had both of our very young children by the hand, turned on the light, and said "Are you going to sleep all damned day?" I had gotten home at 8:00 that morning and had gone to bed at 8:30am. I should have totally gone off on him, but didn't want to upset the children. I get that he felt unsupported with all the soccer games and such to handle. But STILL. I to this day do not understand how he could possibly frame his behavior in any kind of positive light. I was offered day shift soon thereafter, but this has bothered me ever since. He's otherwise great, but I remember this occasionally when I read these kinds of threads. I would handle it so differently if this happened today.

People who don't work nights are apparently often completely clueless or just incapable of empathy with regard to this specific issue.

chtzu, BSN, RN · Nov 12, 2017

I started waking up my mom and brother in the middle of the night. And really early on the weekend. Sounds childish but it was the only way I could get them to understand to leave me alone when I sleep during the day. It's not just a nap.