My husband wakes me up!

Nurses General Nursing

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Ok so I have been married a little over a year now and I work nights 7 p-7am. My husband is absolutely awesome with helping with the house, my kids, and well EVERYTHING. My friends are envious the man is amazing I'm lucky no doubt. There's one major issue that keeps causing fights between us though. I work nights and my husband is self employed so he's home most of the time. While this is a benefit to us in many areas it is killing my sleep. He wakes me up all the time. I can't get him to understand even if it was just for a minute or five that it's a big deal. Today he woke me up to help him find something. He had no where to go. There was no urgent need. He just wanted my help. I was really ugly to him to the point I left for work not speaking to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

Specializes in Oncology.
"Honey, I am not taking luxury naps during the day -- this is my BEDTIME. Waking me up in the middle of the day is akin to me waking you up in the middle of the night...how would you like it if I woke you up at 3 a.m. for a non-emergency? Interrupted sleep is not restorative -- therefore it puts me at risk. Of course I trust that you can understand this, and I trust that you don't want to put me at risk. Our new policy is: you may wake me up if you see blood or smoke. We will see how that goes; if nothing improves, I will have to start locking the bedroom door."

If that doesn't work, you may consider proving your point by waking him during the night.

This is the perfect answer. I think you need to shut down and have a serious heart to heart with him. It sounds like he is overall supportive of you but he's just not understanding that days are your "night's sleeps." You need to explain to him the health and safety risks of interrupted sleep and lay on a little guilt.

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
I don't have children, so I am curious: At what age could a child reasonably be expected to understand that there are times when it is not OK to wake Mommy?

I would skip some of the passive/aggressive suggestions. They are just a band aid on the problem.

Passive-aggressive is characterized by something you don't do. If the house was on fire and you didn't bother to wake him up, that would be the height of passive-aggression.

There is nothing passive about deliberately waking someone up. If you've explained it forty ways to Sunday and he still doesn't get it, then he needs to experience it for himself.

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My family gets my sleep schedule. Luckily my grandma trained them during the years she worked third shift. There have been a few slips but as everyone has been appropriately repentant I have overlooked them aside from the time my brother called over something stupid and I answered the phone with "This better be good. If someone is not dead or dying your going to be." Over the years my brothers have learned to walk lightly around my seldom roused temper.

However, if it turned into a habit I would have to act. I would point it out not so politely that my husband could find his own d*** shoes and possibly a new house for the day. Then I would wake him up several times at 3 am. Just to make sure the point was understood. It wouldn't be couched as an accident. Therefore it would not be passive aggressive. Nothing passive about it.

You have to decide what you would do. To me his actions sound disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish. However, I only have your writing to judge him by.

PS I forgot there is one member of my family that gets a free pass. My grandfather has dementia. HE can wake me up for stupid reasons. It's only fair he occasionally wakes other family members at midnight besides someone usually heads him off before he wakes me up. I return the favor at midnight when I can.

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Specializes in Emergency Nursing.

My husband used to wake me up really early when I had been up late the night before for clinicals, studying, etc. It would usually be one of the only chances I would have all week to sleep in, and he would wake me up extremely early.

One time I finally exploded at him. It definitely was one of my more shameful moments, but I think he finally understood after that. What also helped significantly is that I started telling him before I went to bed that I expected for him to be respectful of my sleep time and not wake me up early the next morning. Setting the ground rules beforehand and reminding him of them often helped a lot too.

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Passive-aggressive is characterized by something you don't do. If the house was on fire and you didn't bother to wake him up, that would be the height of passive-aggression.

There is nothing passive about deliberately waking someone up. If you've explained it forty ways to Sunday and he still doesn't get it, then he needs to experience it for himself.

Good point.

I was thinking more of vacuuming at 0200.

My point is that that waking Mommy up isn't the actual problem, it is a symptom of the problem.

The behavior described characterizes a self centered, childish person lacking in empathy. Waking him up won't change that. Although I suppose it would be possible to train him using punishment.

And given that the OP wants to keep him, I guess it makes sense to train him.

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Good point.

I was thinking more of vacuuming at 0200.

My point is that that waking Mommy up isn't the actual problem, it is a symptom of the problem.

The behavior described characterizes a self centered, childish person lacking in empathy. Waking him up won't change that. Although I suppose it would be possible to train him using punishment.

And given that the OP wants to keep him, I guess it makes sense to train him.

I love this! Yes she does seem to want to keep him so training is in order. Could she hook a shock buzzer up to the bedroom door? Touch the handle and ZAP! Ok, maybe there are reasons I'm not married.

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Specializes in Emergency / Disaster.

My fella is a fisherman and works with the tides. We make it a point every day to talk about bedtimes and wake up times. I suck at waking up - I tune noise out when I sleep now that my daughter is in college. I've slept through the smoke detector.... It used to annoy me that we has this conversation every day but it has actually become helpful for us. We know when to expect to talk to each other (I have an hour drive home - so he doesn't worry that I haven't contacted him) and I know roughly when he's coming out of the river so I don't think he's dead or stranded somewhere soon to be dead. It allows us to plan meals together and figure out who is going shopping for what and when, and really just plan for awake time together.

Sure you have the same conversation nearly everyday - but maybe he needs that reminder until he gets it. Sometimes crap just doesn't occur to guys. They see us as literal Wonder Women... and they wonder how we do things. I hope it gets better for you!!

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Specializes in Neuroscience.

Talk with him before you lay down, and state "I need to sleep, please do not wake me up for anything, unless you'd like to be woken up in the middle of the night". Make an agreement that he will not wake you up unless someone is dying. Let me know how it works for you, because my husband still likes to create the most noise to alert me to the fact that he is putting away dishes, or cleaning, or doing laundry.

My next house will have a finished basement with a room that will be my bedroom, I swear.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Talk with him before you lay down, and state "I need to sleep, please do not wake me up for anything, unless you'd like to be woken up in the middle of the night". Make an agreement that he will not wake you up unless someone is dying. Let me know how it works for you, because my husband still likes to create the most noise to alert me to the fact that he is putting away dishes, or cleaning, or doing laundry.

My next house will have a finished basement with a room that will be my bedroom, I swear.

Not the basement! He'll clomp around in heavy boots or clogs all day! Or he'll throw balls for the dog to chase.

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My fella is a fisherman and works with the tides. We make it a point every day to talk about bedtimes and wake up times. I suck at waking up - I tune noise out when I sleep now that my daughter is in college. I've slept through the smoke detector.... It used to annoy me that we has this conversation every day but it has actually become helpful for us. We know when to expect to talk to each other (I have an hour drive home - so he doesn't worry that I haven't contacted him) and I know roughly when he's coming out of the river so I don't think he's dead or stranded somewhere soon to be dead. It allows us to plan meals together and figure out who is going shopping for what and when, and really just plan for awake time together.

Sure you have the same conversation nearly everyday - but maybe he needs that reminder until he gets it. Sometimes crap just doesn't occur to guys. They see us as literal Wonder Women... and they wonder how we do things. I hope it gets better for you!!

This is how adults interact.

No threats. No revenge. Two people talk, and then do rational, caring things.

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This is how adults interact.

No threats. No revenge. Two people talk, and then do rational, caring things.

I completely agree with this. The situation is something that should be able to be solved by talking, one adult to another. I really don't understand why one would have to resort to "tit-for-tat behavior" in order for the other person to understand.

Reading some of the posts in this thread makes it sound like one should "train" a husband the same way one would train a puppy. By repetitively demonstrating through a repeated action what you wish the puppy's behavior should be. That's not how I want to interact with the people in my life, especially not the people I love.

Sure you have the same conversation nearly everyday - but maybe he needs that reminder until he gets it. Sometimes crap just doesn't occur to guys.

I agree with most of your post but I disagree with the part I've quoted. The average man is no more dense than the average woman. Saying that stuff doesn't occur to them in my opinion lets them off the hook for bad behavior, instead of expecting accountability which is something I expect from any adult. I honestly also find it a bit patronizing.

My husband used to wake me up really early when I had been up late the night before for clinicals, studying, etc. It would usually be one of the only chances I would have all week to sleep in, and he would wake me up extremely early.

One time I finally exploded at him. It definitely was one of my more shameful moments, but I think he finally understood after that.

Assuming you'd told him in a clear and direct manner that you wanted to sleep in and not be woken up extremely early after you'd been up late the night before, prior to that day that you exploded, then I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or remorseful about.

Let me know how it works for you, because my husband still likes to create the most noise to alert me to the fact that he is putting away dishes, or cleaning, or doing laundry.

My next house will have a finished basement with a room that will be my bedroom, I swear.

Not the basement! He'll clomp around in heavy boots or clogs all day! Or he'll throw balls for the dog to chase.

These two quotes in my opinion illustrate unacceptable behavior. Again, assuming that the person acting like this has been told by his partner/spouse that they need their sleep, this has nothing to do with not understanding that simple wish. I'll quote myself:

For whatever reason he chooses to not respect your request. Be it resentment, power games or simple selfishness, I don't know. But it is disrespectful.

I was offered day shift soon thereafter, but this has bothered me ever since. He's otherwise great, but I remember this occasionally when I read these kinds of threads. I would handle it so differently if this happened today.

I'm sorry Horseshoe. Things like that people you love say or do can have the power to sting even many years later. Much more than what people who aren't as important to us, say or do. I think it's just a sad fact that sometimes even good,decent people behave in a crappy manner.

As is probably evident from some of my comments, this thread has been a strange read for me. I really, really can't identify with the idea of having to train ones partner.

I also wonder where OP is?

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
I completely agree with this. The situation is something that should be able to be solved by talking, one adult to another. I really don't understand why one would have to resort to "tit-for-tat behavior" in order for the other person to understand.

Reading some of the posts in this thread makes it sound like one should "train" a husband the same way one would train a puppy. By repetitively demonstrating through a repeated action what you wish the puppy's behavior should be. That's not how I want to interact with the people in my life, especially not the people I love.

I agree with most of your post but I disagree with the part I've quoted. The average man is no more dense than the average woman. Saying that stuff doesn't occur to them in my opinion lets them off the hook for bad behavior, instead of expecting accountability which is something I expect from any adult. I honestly also find it a bit patronizing.

Assuming you'd told him in a clear and direct manner that you wanted to sleep in and not be woken up extremely early after you'd been up late the night before, prior to that day that you exploded, then I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or remorseful about.

These two quotes in my opinion illustrate unacceptable behavior. Again, assuming that the person acting like this has been told by his partner/spouse that they need their sleep, this has nothing to do with not understanding that simple wish. I'll quote myself:

I'm sorry Horseshoe. Things like that people you love say or do can have the power to sting even many years later. Much more than what people who aren't as important to us, say or do. I think it's just a sad fact that sometimes even good,decent people behave in a crappy manner.

As is probably evident from some of my comments, this thread has been a strange read for me. I really, really can't identify with the idea of having to train ones partner.

I also wonder where OP is?

Really, we shouldn't even have to tell another adult that when we're working nights, we need to sleep during the day. That conversation shouldn't even have to happen.

But often, it does have to happen. Repeatedly. And even then the behaviour doesn't change. What to do then?

The training that is attempted (or the tit-for-tat, if you like) is what one resorts to before calling a divorce lawyer. Or resigning oneself to a chronically sleep-deprived, teeming-with-resentment life.

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