My husband wakes me up!

Nurses General Nursing

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Ok so I have been married a little over a year now and I work nights 7 p-7am. My husband is absolutely awesome with helping with the house, my kids, and well EVERYTHING. My friends are envious the man is amazing I'm lucky no doubt. There's one major issue that keeps causing fights between us though. I work nights and my husband is self employed so he's home most of the time. While this is a benefit to us in many areas it is killing my sleep. He wakes me up all the time. I can't get him to understand even if it was just for a minute or five that it's a big deal. Today he woke me up to help him find something. He had no where to go. There was no urgent need. He just wanted my help. I was really ugly to him to the point I left for work not speaking to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

When my husband comes home from his job in the afternoons, he makes sure to be very quiet even on days I'm not working, because he says, "You need your rest!" He is more protective of my sleep than I am lol. Even on days I let him know it's ok to wake me a little early, he usually doesn't, because he recognizes how important it is for me to be well rested when I have lives in my hands.

I don't know what the solution is for you, but I suggest a heart to heart not only on the issue of adequate sleep and health, but on the basic issue of respect for you as his wife and life partner. His actions do not demonstrate that he truly cares (and he's a grown man, he should be able to find things himself, and if he can't, then he can wait and ask you when you get up!) or respects you as a person, and that's something that needs to be addressed sooner than later, before it manifests in other areas. He may sincerely not realize how disrespectful he is being. Here's hoping you can get things figured out!

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

When I was on night shift I was shocked how many people assumed that I got to sleep while at work and got paid for that. Truly it was stunning how many assumed that night shift nurses sleep. Are you sure your spouse doesn't think you are sleeping while at work?

I agree with talking it out. If you have already, I agree with other means of getting it through to him.

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Come out and say "I love you. I appreciate you. But DO NOT wake me up when I'm sleeping! It is a BIG DEAL to me, so please humor me on this!"

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UNLESS -

House is on FIRE

Someone is NOT BREATHING that lives in the home

Blood is SPURTING OUT of someone living in the home

Someone is firing a WEAPON in close PROXIMITY and SAFETY demands defense/retreat.

A weather or civil EMERGENCY requiring EVACUATION

A critical FAMILY ILLNESS (dinner plans, routine calls from mom, blah, blah DO NOT COUNT and can wait).

An ALIEN ship crashes near your home (ok, 100 mile radius).

THIS.

I'm a big fan of the vacuuming at 2 AM idea. Or mowing the lawn. Or playing the piano. :-)

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Do what you have to do, OP. Talking is obviously best but there are some things that are in the Bermuda triangle of rationality... letting a night shifter sleep is one of them for some adults.

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I completely agree with this. The situation is something that should be able to be solved by talking, one adult to another. I really don't understand why one would have to resort to "tit-for-tat behavior" in order for the other person to understand.

Reading some of the posts in this thread makes it sound like one should "train" a husband the same way one would train a puppy. By repetitively demonstrating through a repeated action what you wish the puppy's behavior should be. That's not how I want to interact with the people in my life, especially not the people I love.

I agree with most of your post but I disagree with the part I've quoted. The average man is no more dense than the average woman. Saying that stuff doesn't occur to them in my opinion lets them off the hook for bad behavior, instead of expecting accountability which is something I expect from any adult. I honestly also find it a bit patronizing.

Assuming you'd told him in a clear and direct manner that you wanted to sleep in and not be woken up extremely early after you'd been up late the night before, prior to that day that you exploded, then I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or remorseful about.

These two quotes in my opinion illustrate unacceptable behavior. Again, assuming that the person acting like this has been told by his partner/spouse that they need their sleep, this has nothing to do with not understanding that simple wish. I'll quote myself:

I'm sorry Horseshoe. Things like that people you love say or do can have the power to sting even many years later. Much more than what people who aren't as important to us, say or do. I think it's just a sad fact that sometimes even good,decent people behave in a crappy manner.

As is probably evident from some of my comments, this thread has been a strange read for me. I really, really can't identify with the idea of having to train ones partner.

I also wonder where OP is?

Trying to sleep, LOLOLOLOL

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Back in the day when my daughters were teenagers I worked steady nights..I have always been a walking/talking while sleeping type of person..I remember waking up and finding out I gave my last couple daughters to my daughter for a dance..also I never had things like my curling iron, they took it to a friends home and forgot to bring it home..Or while I was sleeping giving them permission to stay at a friends house..this stuff was all verified by my husband. i had to stop all that stuff. so I started a rule...nobody is allowed to wake me up unless it is God himself, or if God is coming after someone I love aka an emergency. Flip years forward..Kids are grown and I am remarried..my husband piddles around the house..he is retired and I use a fan to block any noise..But he started doing the same thing that my kids did when I was younger, Waking me up for goofy reasons. once again I had to nip the problem before it got out of hand..I really sat down and had a talk with him..Because I walk/talk and even eat in my sleep, I had to be careful and get enough rest for work.I always had a great fear of nodding off during work and trying to work while sleep walking..What a nightmare that would be.I came up with an idea, on top of the nobody wakes me up but God theory that i used with my kids years back..i talked to my husband and got his input on the situation..First off I stayed awake for an hour or so after getting home, just in case someone from work had to call me with a question, day shift doesn't mind waking you up either (as I learned from history). During this initial time after work I would talk to my husband, really talk about anything (I think part of his problem was that he was lonely) I would ask him his plans for the day and just ask him to leave me a note if he goes somewhere so I wont worry when I do wake up and he is gone..he was kind of shocked when I told him "Honey, I am scared to death of not getting enough rest, I might make some type of fatal error while working. My job is not stacking cases of soda, it is not like if I drop a case by accident I just pick it back up and continue on, any mistake i may make at work could be fatal and cause a patient to die". He was really shocked, he said it was because he never really thought about me having those lives in my hands. He always thought I was the smartest woman he ever had a relationship with and never really knew my fears. i think what the problem is that your husband too may be thinking like mine did. He was also shocked when I told him that I honestly believe a couple times driving home from work that I may have been just totally exhausted from lack of sleep and I could not recall which traffic lights I stopped at because that were red. Until I had this talk with him I think he thought I was like wonder woman who never makes a mistake and was perfect..The talk solved our problem. He too is a wonderful husband. I think unless someone has worked in the medical field they have no understanding of the fear we have of making a fatal mistake at work. We are not perfect like they think we are, and since I do all this activity in my sleep at home, he really understands. I hope this gives you some ideas of what to do..If this fails then figure out in your mind if you want to risk your marriage or the night shift because it will get old and you might have to make a choice in the future. Good luck..If he is that good of a husband, they are hard to find, I would be holding on to him tight because I am sure there is a long line of women out there just waiting in the background for a "Good Man".

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Specializes in Psych ICU, addictions.

I told my family that the only times they were allowed to wake me during the day was if the house was on fire or if copious amounts of blood were involved. Otherwise, enter at their own risk, because I will not be held liable for what I say and/or do if they wake me up. As far as ambient noise goes, I have a noise machine that I play to mask them. Everyone in the house has learned that if the noise machine is on, they are not to enter unless, again, fire or blood is involved.

Once, the better half thought it was a good idea to wake me for a very trivial reason...seriously: it was non-emergent, had nothing to do with the kids, and could have easily waited until I woke up i my own. He quickly learned never to do that again :)

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Specializes in Critical Care, Med-Surg, Psych, Geri, LTC, Tele,.
I don't have children, so I am curious: At what age could a child reasonably be expected to understand that there are times when it is not OK to wake Mommy?

.

My kid was 11 when I started working full time noc shifts. He is AWESOME! He does not make noise or wake me up during the day. My 20 year old is also very good at not waking me up.

Do not come in my room at all. No loud noises. Text me to tell me stuff....

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Come out and say "I love you. I appreciate you. But DO NOT wake me up when I'm sleeping! It is a BIG DEAL to me, so please humor me on this!"

Humor me on this? Getting sleep is a bigger deal than a "Humor me on this." This is not a case of you asking for a favor. This is a major health and safety issue -- if he cannot get it, it needs to be made clear to him in no uncertain terms. "Humor me on this" sounds like it's a trivial matter of your preferences.

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I have this problem with my sister, who lives 3 hours away. I have worked nights for 3 years and she will STILL call me at noon, one, two PM, regardless of whether I told her I would be asleep from working the night before/having to go in the next night. She simply does not get it. One time, she called me at 1PM after I had not gotten home from work until 9AM and was on a 3 of a 4 night stretch, and when I became quite upset with her she told me, "well I can't just sit around watching the clock all day." I was so heated.

I have had to explain again and again that 7-7 is the exact same whether you work days or nights; if you wouldn't call someone at 3AM knowing they work the next morning just to chit-chat about popcorn and football, then don't call ME at 3PM just to chit-chat about popcorn and football. If you wouldn't expect your spouse to stay up until 3AM after working a 12 hour shift and having to work the next day as well, don't expect me to! I don't sleep during the day just for sh*ts and giggles!

My family also gets frustrated with me when they schedule parties/celebrations right at noon a night after I worked, and I don't attend. I used to, but now I simply can't. I have done it too many times and cannot sacrifice my sleep any more lol. I get called a handful of names whenever I have an outburst and try to explain myself, of course. I think the solution is to return the favor, again and again and again, until they get the point.

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I don't get this. I don't understand how someone who cares about you would need to be told this. My husband would tackle and duct tape someone who tried to come in the room while I'm sleeping lol. This isn't just a misunderstanding. This is blatant, outright disrespect. And incredibly selfish. She says he's great and everyone loves him, but to me sounds like a giant douche.

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