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MBar1 MBar1 (New Member) New Member

I've had enough.

Nurses   (1,692 Views 24 Comments)
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The days feel like centuries, and I do not know if I can continue. Being a student is all I have and my journey is coming to an end. What will I do after this? 

I have nothing. No relationships. No supports. Just a family that I neglect to share my feelings with and ultimately feeling like a stranger in my own home. 

I am tired all the time. I feel tired before I go to bed and when I wake up. Even after a full nights sleep on my days off (~10hrs). I still have motivation, but not for long. 

I feel alone, even when I am around people. I am introverted and do not allow people into my life. I feel as though they will let me down. As a result, I am alone. I feel like no one cares about me or my existence. I feel like the world is against me and I am constantly fighting a silent war. I do not know who is winning. All that I know is that I am not. 

I have a 10 point GPA (on a 12 point scale) and I feel like this is all I have. I thought that once I finished my education, I will be happy. But more recently, as I get closer to beginning my own life, thinking about financial goals, where I want to be in 5 years, relationships, etc, I have come to discover that I will never be happy as I will always be waiting for the next "thing"- at which point I will utter, "I will be happy when...". 

I am at a loss and do not know what to do. I have never been diagnosed with any form of mental health ailment, nor do I want to entertain the possibility of being diagnosed and therefore labelled. The "D" word brings a realness to things that I have no interest in entertaining. I would feel weak and defeated if I ever let someone tell me that I am sad and this is something that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. 

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I would urge you to seek help. I understand that you do not want to be labeled as depressed, but there is much more to depression than 'feeling sad'. Unfortunately there isn't usually a switch you can flip to  fix this sort of thing. And please remember that depression doesn't have to mean a lifelong battle. 

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I would agree with EllaBella1, you need to see someone and talk this through. It does not make you a weak person, in fact recognising that you need even a bit of help can take tremendous courage. Being a nursing student is hard enough on its own without feeling the way you are describing.

If you broke your leg would you just wait until it healed itself? There is no shame in seeking assistance.

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It sounds like you're experiencing moderate symptoms of depression,  MBar. You're still TCB, see a future for yourself and that's good. You could just be going through some stage of your biorhythm cycle of which you will eventually cycle out.

I say this because your situation sounds a lot like what I went through in my 30's. I did exercise, talked with therapists and friends and loved ones, took St. John's Wort, did art, met my basic physiological needs, and nothing that I did made me feel any better for very long. I took tests and even though my depression seemed severe, it was rated only moderate.

Eventually, I cycled out of the depressive state, but I still go into troughs now and again. For example, last Summer was a real bummer for me, but I eventually cycled back out.

MBar, you are reaching out and that is good. Continue to do so. There are some magic pills that are quite good if you decide to go that route like SSRIs and non-benzodiazepine anti-anxieties.

Like Grumpy and EllaBella said: Seek out a professional help- it can't hurt if you give it a try- you might be surprised.

But whatever you do, MBar, keep on keeping on and the very best to you!

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By posting here, you are looking for help.

You want to feel something different than what you feel now. 

If that creates a “label” (that is between you and your prescribing physician and/or therapist), isn’t that worth it?

You’re stigmatizing yourself before you are even seen. Brain health (a better way of looking at mental health; it’s more encompassing) is just as important as everything else, and you need to take care of it. 

I’m a stronger person today than I was 12 years ago - before I was diagnosed with that “label.” But the label doesn’t define who I am. Not even close. And the medications that I take, and the self-care that I ensure I do, make me a better nurse. I might implode if so didn’t ensure good brain health. And you might too.

So take care of it. It’s the only one you have.

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So what if the "D" word was Diabetic instead of Depression? Would you feel like a failure if you could not produce or respond to your own insulin? No? Okay then.

You admit you aren't doing all you can in your relationships, so you already know the problem there. If you are depressed, the idea of changing yourself to be happier is going to feel overwhelming. Get some help. It doesn't have to feel this way. You deserve better and so do those you love.

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As all other posters have said, PLEASE contact someone in real life that can help you. 

Here is some help:

You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

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I agree with what has been said so far. What I'm hearing is that you want to improve your life but you are scared to be "labeled". Now how on this green Earth would anyone know this "label" without seeing your files? Will it be tattooed on you? No. The stigma for mental health is real, but asking for help is showing a strength of character. You are reaching out and the advice you have received is great. 

As a child I was labeled as dyslexic. I was told I would never graduate hs, or hold a "meaningful job". I worked hard to not only graduate hs, but be in  the top 5. I graduated with honors from my BA, my masters and my ASN. I'm slated to graduate with honors from my BSN if I keep the work up. Does anyone in these classes know I struggle with spelling and sequencing by looking at me? Nope. It motivates me to keep pushing and growing. My point is, labels don't define you, YOU define you. 

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I have bipolar disorder and it used to be terrible. It’s really hard to remember being happy when you’re depressed. I used to think everyone felt as dark as me and just faked normalcy. It seemed like happiness was an impossible standard. But I promise you it does exist for you. You can’t  fight your way out of this alone though, you will need help from doctors and counselors. You have an individual situation outside of “depression”. Only doctors and counselors can help detangle your situation. It gets much better quickly with help. 

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You are already weak and defeated.  Seeking a  diagnosis and getting treatment  is the answer.

 Best wishes. I have been there done that.  I beat the "D" word, you can too.

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The only people who know I was diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" (depression imo) are the people I worked with, and it was obvious to them!  It's scary to get help but you will feel so much better afterwards.  And as someone else said , it doesn't have to be a lifelong thing, I feel great now and I'm not on any meds.  Please get help because you can feel better, and you deserve to feel better!

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Many of the things that you've mentioned concern me -- a lot. Your symptoms certainly sound like depression and what is called passive suicidality. I urge you to speak to someone at your school, anyone you may consider a close friend, an independent licensed therapist, or call the number provided by Trauma. There is absolutely no shame in admitting you may be depressed, or in taking medication for depression. I take medication every day, and I feel so much better. Everyone I am close to knows I'm on medication, and guess what? They love me anyway. Please find help soon.

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