I've had enough.

Nurses General Nursing

Published

The days feel like centuries, and I do not know if I can continue. Being a student is all I have and my journey is coming to an end. What will I do after this?

I have nothing. No relationships. No supports. Just a family that I neglect to share my feelings with and ultimately feeling like a stranger in my own home.

I am tired all the time. I feel tired before I go to bed and when I wake up. Even after a full nights sleep on my days off (~10hrs). I still have motivation, but not for long.

I feel alone, even when I am around people. I am introverted and do not allow people into my life. I feel as though they will let me down. As a result, I am alone. I feel like no one cares about me or my existence. I feel like the world is against me and I am constantly fighting a silent war. I do not know who is winning. All that I know is that I am not.

I have a 10 point GPA (on a 12 point scale) and I feel like this is all I have. I thought that once I finished my education, I will be happy. But more recently, as I get closer to beginning my own life, thinking about financial goals, where I want to be in 5 years, relationships, etc, I have come to discover that I will never be happy as I will always be waiting for the next "thing"- at which point I will utter, "I will be happy when...".

I am at a loss and do not know what to do. I have never been diagnosed with any form of mental health ailment, nor do I want to entertain the possibility of being diagnosed and therefore labelled. The "D" word brings a realness to things that I have no interest in entertaining. I would feel weak and defeated if I ever let someone tell me that I am sad and this is something that I will have to deal with the rest of my life.

I don't know if you have clinical depression or would be helped by medication, but I do notice maladaptive thought processes in your post. At the very least, counseling should be able to address those with you. There's no reason to continue being unhappy, OP.

3 Votes

I totally understand your feelings. It sounds like you know the truth of your situation too, just know your not alone. No one is immune to experiencing periods of loneliness and depression at some point in their lives, not even the individuals that have tons of friends/family, are successful, or those that come off so confident, self-assured and matter of fact. But sometimes it lingers for others a lot longer and that's when help is warranted. It definitely helps to find someone that is non-biased to speak with during feeling emotions like this. A good place to start may be a licensed counselor/social worker. They can listen and counsel and then refer a more skilled person like a psychologist or psychiatrist if warranted (which would be the one who could diagnosis with things like depression and start medication if it is necessary)

Medication alone is no cure for depression. It is important to get to the root cause of what is causing the depressed feelings. Often I find it is because someone is unhappy with their lives, maybe have experienced grief, etc. Addressing these feelings may help resolve feeling depressed. That requires counseling and coaching to help a person put their lives on track and see other healthier perspectives and alternatives, not necessarily require treatment outright with medications.

I hope that you do reach out to someone if necessary, there is nothing to be ashamed about.

2 Votes
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

I second all of the above. Please see your doctor and get referrals for further care. Labels don't define you; they put a name to what you're experiencing.

Meanwhile, your only goal should be to regain some energy and capacity for enjoyment. Beyond that, let it ride for now. I think we're too fixated on "goals". They can certainly be useful for planning a course of action, but they have a way of taking on a life of their own and constantly remind us of our own deficiencies.

Please see someone now. You deserve much better.

3 Votes

First of all, thank you for sharing all of that. That had to be really hard for you. Please remember that YOU MATTER! One person on here asked, would you feel as defeated if you were diagnosed with diabeties instead of depression. I hope you really take those words to heart. Certain diseases cannot be prevented. Depression is most certainly one of them. Please talk to your doctor, teacher, mentor, someone and get the help you need.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

2 Votes

Please read He-motions by TD Jakes. He very effectively addresses the very things you’ve mentioned.

1 Votes

I've suffered from depression too. After seeking treatment, it becomes like night and day.

If you break your ankle badly, you need a cast and physical therapy, no? Same thing here...your "brain" is sprained. Think of SSRIs as a cast and psychotherapy as physical therapy.

1 Votes
Specializes in EMS, ED, Trauma, CEN, CPEN, TCRN.

OP, I hope you are doing okay. I am glad you posted so you could see all these responses. Be well.

1 Votes
Specializes in CMSRN, hospice.

These feelings are big, scary, and overwhelming, but I promise, they are just feelings. They are temporary. They will pass. It's so hard to reach out, and it was brave of you to take the first step by posting about your situation. I urge you to keep that bravery up and please, PLEASE speak with your doctor about what you are going through. These symptoms can be controlled and remedied; life doesn't have to stay this way.

Many of us can remember a time in our lives where things felt hopeless, like we were working toward nothing. I know I've been there. For me, a lifelong struggle with what I know now is anxiety led to a few periods of depression. Therapy and a small dose of medication have given me my life back and allowed me to find joy. Sometimes you don't have to use medication but for a short time; other times, you may find it's not so bad taking a pill or two to achieve mental balance. With my NP's guidance, I tried to taper off my meds after some life stressors subsided. For me, I find I'm better if I stay the course. You may end up having a different experience. It sounds like so much to go through, but I promise it is worth it. Baby steps. Talk to your doctor and see what they recommend.

2 Votes

" I am introverted and do not allow people into my life. I feel as though they will let me down. As a result, I am alone."

Being introverted doesn't mean you don't have people in your life. You can be an introvert and have a very rich relationship life-close family and friends who care about you and about whom you care. I am an introvert too, so I know what I'm talking about.

You're clearly depressed. To heck with labels. You can't see well, you get glasses. Your hearing is inadequate, you get hearing aids. You get crutches when you break your leg, insulin when you have diabetes. You get the gist.

Get professional help now. It will be multi-faceted. No one particular intervention will "cure you," but in its totality, it can change your life.

"Things will be great after such and such" rarely happens. Because wherever you go, there you are. You have an illness in your brain that is affecting your entire life. There is help out there. Don't even think about starting your nursing career until you have begun treatment. This is your first priority.

Good luck, and please come back and update as you progress.

2 Votes
Specializes in Surgical, PACU.

One of the hardest things I had to learn when dealing with depression was how to be kind to myself. When going through this negative thoughts can take over and you can't see the forest for the trees.

See your doctor, get started on antidepressants and find a good counselor and then give yourself time and remember be kind to yourself, it's not your fault and life can be ? but things do get better.

1 Votes

At a minimum, please see your provider. Maybe you have depression, but maybe your symptoms are due to sleep apnea, narcolepsy or a thyroid disorder. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

1 Votes
Specializes in Med-Surg, Oncology, School Nursing, OB.

Remember feelings aren't facts. Just because it FEELS like no one cares does NOT mean that is true.

People WILL let you down because let's face it, they are human and can't read your mind. You will also let people down but it's ok because loving others means being willing to forgive and forget. To have a good relationships with people you have to be willing to open up and share yourself.

You really need to go to the dr. I have thyroid issues and when my thyroid is out of whack I get super anxious, tired and depressed. Get a physical and let the dr know how you're feeling. It's possible your brain is not producing enough serotonin so you feel depressed and need that replaced. It's not a sign of weakness. Also, you don't have to tell anyone if you are diagnosed with depression but I think you'd be surprised at how supportive people can be.

You said, "I have nothing. No relationships. No supports. Just a family that I neglect to share my feelings with and ultimately feeling like a stranger in my own home." Well you do have a family and a home to go to every day. So the statement I have nothing is NOT true. The fact you live at home with a family means they are supporting you right there. See how your mind starts playing tricks on you?

If you want more emotional support then you need to start opening up to your family and a counselor. You can't be like they should know how I feel because I haven't been talking as much or whatever. That's unfair to put on someone else. How would YOU feel if you had a friend who said I don't want to be friends with you because you couldn't tell I was upset about what you did and you're thinking what in the world did I even do and why didn't you say something?

You are being proactive and getting an education which is a lot more than many people have accomplished so be proud of that and look forward to all the opportunities that will come your way. I've done the same exact thing, ok I did THAT but when THIS happens I will truly be happy only to get there and think huh I don't FEEL much different after that excitement wore off. That's something I have struggled with as well so try to find the little joys in every day because it's the little things that will someday mean the most. Ok I stole that quote but now that I'm older I find it is very much true. You don't need big momentous occasions all the time, you just have to work on appreciating the little things like getting a good grade, having a good meal, enjoying a sunny day, reading a good book, making someone smile, etc.

Also, the best way to get out of feeling sad and sorry with where you are, is to be of service or give to others. Start trying to do things to make OTHER people's lives easier. You live at home so do something to put a smile on a family member's face or ease their day a little. It will make you feel good inside. Be a friend to someone. Go invite someone to do something fun with you. But above all, get yourself to the dr asap so you don't keep sinking further down. You are here for a reason and someone out there needs you whether it feels like it or not. Then when you are feeling better you can help someone else who is struggling the same way!!

2 Votes
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