The days feel like centuries, and I do not know if I can continue. Being a student is all I have and my journey is coming to an end. What will I do after this?
I have nothing. No relationships. No supports. Just a family that I neglect to share my feelings with and ultimately feeling like a stranger in my own home.
I am tired all the time. I feel tired before I go to bed and when I wake up. Even after a full nights sleep on my days off (~10hrs). I still have motivation, but not for long.
I feel alone, even when I am around people. I am introverted and do not allow people into my life. I feel as though they will let me down. As a result, I am alone. I feel like no one cares about me or my existence. I feel like the world is against me and I am constantly fighting a silent war. I do not know who is winning. All that I know is that I am not.
I have a 10 point GPA (on a 12 point scale) and I feel like this is all I have. I thought that once I finished my education, I will be happy. But more recently, as I get closer to beginning my own life, thinking about financial goals, where I want to be in 5 years, relationships, etc, I have come to discover that I will never be happy as I will always be waiting for the next "thing"- at which point I will utter, "I will be happy when...".
I am at a loss and do not know what to do. I have never been diagnosed with any form of mental health ailment, nor do I want to entertain the possibility of being diagnosed and therefore labelled. The "D" word brings a realness to things that I have no interest in entertaining. I would feel weak and defeated if I ever let someone tell me that I am sad and this is something that I will have to deal with the rest of my life.