And if so, how does s/he demonstrate that? What are the little things that they do to gain understanding of what you do? I am a new nurse, and with my new job comes new expectations and roles to fill. I am a "supervisor" of aides at work (I work in LTC) where I must delegate certain things to Unlicensed Assistive Personnel, so that ADDS on to what I am doing at work already. Especially when my shift is full of brand-new CNAs (and nurses)!
Anyways, my spouse doesn't want to hear anything about work. He gets very upset and says that I "should be happy" that I have a job in my field, unlike he who has a degree in another field and can't find work doing that so he does some kind of factory work. He takes it as if I am bragging about having to play a supervisory role (I actually don't really like that role. I WILL step into it so that things get done, but it's not something I enjoy or have ever sought out). I am not. And I have said that over and over. I'm just looking for someone to listen and understand...
So, I can't even talk to my spouse about work at all. Is this the norm? If your spouse is supportive, how do they show it and if they are not (or weren't) what did you do to change it?
My husband is very supportive. When I was getting my degree he took over a lot of the kid care so I could focus on school. After I graduated and began working full time he was grocery shopping, making lunches for our kids, etc. He lets me vent. He appreciates that I am making a monetary contribution to our household. He is great :). I am sorry that your husband is not in a good place right now to support you. Hopefully he will get a job in his chosen field and get happier.
Supportive? Absolutely. But unless I've had a craptastic day and really need to whine/cry/get a hug, I leave work at work. I started doing that early on in nursing when I would see SO's eyes start to glaze over after a few minutes of my chatter. However I have 100% backing from him when it comes to my career and education goals. That's how I define support. If I need an ear I'll go get coffee with a coworker.
My husband is supportive. He was supportive of me finishing my ASN, even when we unexpectedly got pregnant with our son, had no money, and he was in school himself. He's supportive of me as I currently complete my BSN. He's supportive of me as I pursue a leadership opportunity on my unit. He asks about my day and lets me vent if I need to. He understands and respects my need for sleep after a night shift. He's proud to tell people that I'm a nurse. In return, I'm supportive of him as he finishes his degree and starts his new career in about 6 months :)
Specializes in Occ. Hlth, Education, ICU, Med-Surg.
This has nothing to do about your choice of career. He has lost his job in his chosen field and is being forced to do factory work which is not how he planned his life. So when you vent about work, he gets upset because you are venting about a career that you have chosen and in his mind ungrateful while he would give anything to be back in the career that he loves. This is not a case of an unsupportive spouse. He is upset about his current position and not about anything you are doing.[/quote
I understand where your husband is coming from.. I really do. Maybe he's sad or depressed about his job and it's hard to hear about your job and all those responsibilities that he wishes he could have.
Recently a coroner job came open in our county. My husband and I BOTH wanted this position (it's a part time position, pays extremely well, and is very rare to come by). Anyways, since I'm going to school and already work in the ER (and guaranteed a job after graduation) we decided he should be the one to apply since it would be more beneficial to him at this point (we didn't want to compete with each other so we didn't both apply). Well he got the job, I was really happy for him, but when he brings work home I do feel bitter about the situation. I told him I don't want to hear about his job at the coroner's office anymore because it made me jealous since that was a position I too have held out for for years (it just never came available in the past four years I had been trying for it). I know he isn't doing it to be mean or spiteful, but it's hard hearing him do all the things I wanted to do (especially since he only had a mild interest in pursuing this field until I told him all the reasons I WANTED to do it - autopsies, figuring out true cause of death, etc etc).
Perhaps your husband needs to look for a job that makes him feel like he's contributing more to the field he wants to be in? Or even a supervisory role himself - maybe that's what he is most interested in. Either way he needs your support. After he becomes happy in his own career he will probably be more willing to listen to your vents as well. As long as he isn't degrading you it's obviously best to just let him get over this hurdle in his own life. He's hurting right now.. I'm sure he isn't doing it to be mean and spiteful, but it feels hard for him to not achieve his goals/dreams too when he may have been trying for so long.
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
My husband is very supportive, but not always understanding, if you can perceive the difference. Things that upset me as a nurse he very much views through the lens of a consumer of healthcare, not through the lens of a healthcare professional. At times the things I vent about have actually made him feel insecure about ever needing care should the time come. The idea of errors, omissions, squabbles and all the petty things that happen when human beings work together can be disturbing to someone who counts on the illusion that medical professionals have answers on how to get along in life, don't make mistakes, don't forget things and that they make miracles happen. When I was new I would come home with what I thought were pretty funny stories, but as it turns out it was just funny to us medical peeps and to him not so much.
I try not to vent to him too much. He gets caught up in the above or he tries to fix it or his indignance on my behalf goes a bit too far etc etc etc. He does bring me lunch if I work on a Sunday, makes dinner on the days I work, does his own laundry and does dishes and other household tasks. He is a gem. I just learned it wasn't kind of me to vent to him. That is why I love my nurse friends so very much. :)
My husband is supportive, but doesn't always understand. He doesn't get it that sometimes I have to stay past my shift and finish things up, He doesn't understand why I continue to allow certain things to bother me when I know nothing is going to change, etc. I vent to him plenty, but sometimes it helps to vent to other who really understand what you are going through. I think your hubby is a bit jealous too. Try to take that into consideration. Good luck with your career, and remember we are always hear to listen to venting.
My husband and I adore each other and both think we got the best half of the deal when we married. If I am unhappy in some aspect of my work, he's a terrific sounding board to help me work it out (and he knows nothing more about nursing than what I tell him). Sometimes he will just give me one pithy phrase that just clarifies it all for me. Sometimes he just asks me a few questions, which in the course of answering I find makes me see things better. Sometimes he sees that I am upset about something that I'm not discussing, and he knows that if he sits back and waits a few days I will seek his counsel, or he can ask me, "Something bothering you, hon?" and I know that it's safe to tell him anything without fear of ridicule, scorn, or blame. I have always known that (footnote: huge contrast to first husband, with whom none of this would have been remotely safe or productive).
And I do the same for him, all of the above. Things ebb and flow-- sometimes I help him through rough spots, and sometimes he helps me. We don't keep score. We just ... love each other. It helps that we're a lot older than you and your husband; longer-term perspective helps. But you know what they say, "Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment." :) Been there, done that.
Now, this has nothing to do with what our respective work or other responsibilities are. It has nothing to do c nursing. It has absolutely everything to do with the us-ness of us. I love Stephen King's description of marriage as a white space on society's map- what other people don't know about it is what makes it yours. I learned to be a better spouse, and learned about how to choose a better spouse so I wouldn't make the same mistakes again, when recovering from husband#1 with expert help. I can't recommend strongly enough that you take your beloved by the hand and go see someone who can help you both deal with the stressors you are both having and how to grow past them. There is nothing wrong with getting some professional direction once in awhile, whether it's taking a river tour of Europe, learning an instrument, builing an addition on the house, or maturing in a marriage.
And if so, how does s/he demonstrate that? What are the little things that they do to gain understanding of what you do? I am a new nurse, and with my new job comes new expectations and roles to fill. I am a "supervisor" of aides at work (I work in LTC) where I must delegate certain things to Unlicensed Assistive Personnel, so that ADDS on to what I am doing at work already. Especially when my shift is full of brand-new CNAs (and nurses)!
Anyways, my spouse doesn't want to hear anything about work. He gets very upset and says that I "should be happy" that I have a job in my field, unlike he who has a degree in another field and can't find work doing that so he does some kind of factory work. He takes it as if I am bragging about having to play a supervisory role (I actually don't really like that role. I WILL step into it so that things get done, but it's not something I enjoy or have ever sought out). I am not. And I have said that over and over. I'm just looking for someone to listen and understand...
So, I can't even talk to my spouse about work at all. Is this the norm? If your spouse is supportive, how do they show it and if they are not (or weren't) what did you do to change it?
I am sorry your spouse isn't supportive....but I feel from what you said, he maybe suffering from "inferiority complex". Meaning, you are progressing with your career and he isn't. He feels that you are more satisfied with your job than he is with his. See with him and understand his struggles. Don't take it to heart or try to compensate by down-playing your role at work. Your serve a great purpose. Maybe ask him about his work and suggest ways he can improve. Try not talk about bad things or vent all the time....Hope this helps.
Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.
My husband is supportive in his own way- usually by popping down a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, and always some food. I'm not so cranky after I've eaten and relaxed a little bit. He also takes care of the dogs when I'm at work.
But yeah, I get what you're saying about they don't understand. Just try to roll with "confused face" and you'll be fine. There's aspects of his jobs I don't understand either.
My better half is very supportive. My better half is also very squeamish, so while he is interested in what I do, I have to choose what I tell him lest I make him lose his cookies. Sadly, this means he never gets to hear some of my more colorful tales.
vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN
2,717 Posts
Nola.. Ha! I thought I made him kind of sound like a jerk. But I was trying to say that men show "support" in different ways than women.
When I need to have a 2 hr long conversation about work, I call my best friend. She's more suited for that, Kwim?! (-: