Is your spouse supportive of your nursing career?

[Nola009]

And if so, how does s/he demonstrate that? What are the little things that they do to gain understanding of what you do? I am a new nurse, and with my new job comes new expectations and roles to fill. I am a "supervisor" of aides at work (I work in LTC) where I must delegate certain things to Unlicensed Assistive Personnel, so that ADDS on to what I am doing at work already. Especially when my shift is full of brand-new CNAs (and nurses)!

Anyways, my spouse doesn't want to hear anything about work. He gets very upset and says that I "should be happy" that I have a job in my field, unlike he who has a degree in another field and can't find work doing that so he does some kind of factory work. He takes it as if I am bragging about having to play a supervisory role (I actually don't really like that role. I WILL step into it so that things get done, but it's not something I enjoy or have ever sought out). I am not. And I have said that over and over. I'm just looking for someone to listen and understand...

So, I can't even talk to my spouse about work at all. Is this the norm? If your spouse is supportive, how do they show it and if they are not (or weren't) what did you do to change it?

[Nola009]

My hubby is very supportive...we will have our vent time from both our jobs, then forget about it. We really try our best to leave work at work, you know what I mean?

Women need to vent and to be listened to, then basically they feel better, men think when women vent....that it's their job to fix the problem. That's why he probably doesn't know how to listen well Nola.

Continue using Allnurses for your vents. Or maybe ask him to have a vent only time every day for ten minutes and then agree to not talk about it the rest of your night together. Also you could bring up its going to be a vent only before you start it, and explain you just need supportive loving ears only, not sympathy or for him to give you a solution, maybe that will let up the pressure he feels when he hears your venting. Also men want their women to be happy, let him know you appreciate him and you are happy before the vent. I hope this helps.

My marriage means everything to me, after God then it's family then work. Don't let work disrupt your personal home life my friend. I'm praying for your peace and perfect balance!:)

Good Luck!!!

Thank-you so much for your kind words and happy thoughts:cat: I do vent (probably a lot more than others) on AN. I am just trying to check my own reality... see what others think. I will take your words of wisdom to heart and work on finding that work-relationship balance!

[Nola009]

My husband and I adore each other and both think we got the best half of the deal when we married. If I am unhappy in some aspect of my work, he's a terrific sounding board to help me work it out (and he knows nothing more about nursing than what I tell him). Sometimes he will just give me one pithy phrase that just clarifies it all for me. Sometimes he just asks me a few questions, which in the course of answering I find makes me see things better. Sometimes he sees that I am upset about something that I'm not discussing, and he knows that if he sits back and waits a few days I will seek his counsel, or he can ask me, "Something bothering you, hon?" and I know that it's safe to tell him anything without fear of ridicule, scorn, or blame. I have always known that (footnote: huge contrast to first husband, with whom none of this would have been remotely safe or productive).

And I do the same for him, all of the above. Things ebb and flow-- sometimes I help him through rough spots, and sometimes he helps me. We don't keep score. We just ... love each other. It helps that we're a lot older than you and your husband; longer-term perspective helps. But you know what they say, "Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment." :) Been there, done that.

Now, this has nothing to do with what our respective work or other responsibilities are. It has nothing to do c nursing. It has absolutely everything to do with the us-ness of us. I love Stephen King's description of marriage as a white space on society's map- what other people don't know about it is what makes it yours. I learned to be a better spouse, and learned about how to choose a better spouse so I wouldn't make the same mistakes again, when recovering from husband#1 with expert help. I can't recommend strongly enough that you take your beloved by the hand and go see someone who can help you both deal with the stressors you are both having and how to grow past them. There is nothing wrong with getting some professional direction once in awhile, whether it's taking a river tour of Europe, learning an instrument, builing an addition on the house, or maturing in a marriage.

Warmest best wishes. :flwrhrts:

Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. Thank-you for your kind words of wisdom. I have made many communication errors in my relationship, and so has my husband. I know he tries to be supportive, but it IS so difficult for him to do that when he's so far away from where he wants to be in his career. I have tried to be supportive and give him what little advice (or a point in the right direction) that I could. Unless he gets a job in his chosen field, I don't see him being too happy at all. He has said so over and over again. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to someone who is so discontented and irritable. If I have to, I might just seek counseling alone.

[Nola009]

My husband is very supportive, but not always understanding, if you can perceive the difference. Things that upset me as a nurse he very much views through the lens of a consumer of healthcare, not through the lens of a healthcare professional. At times the things I vent about have actually made him feel insecure about ever needing care should the time come. The idea of errors, omissions, squabbles and all the petty things that happen when human beings work together can be disturbing to someone who counts on the illusion that medical professionals have answers on how to get along in life, don't make mistakes, don't forget things and that they make miracles happen. When I was new I would come home with what I thought were pretty funny stories, but as it turns out it was just funny to us medical peeps and to him not so much.

I try not to vent to him too much. He gets caught up in the above or he tries to fix it or his indignance on my behalf goes a bit too far etc etc etc. He does bring me lunch if I work on a Sunday, makes dinner on the days I work, does his own laundry and does dishes and other household tasks. He is a gem. I just learned it wasn't kind of me to vent to him. That is why I love my nurse friends so very much. :)

Yeah. Sometimes he doesn't "get it". I think you are right in that some people would rather not be reminded that less than perfect things happen in health care facilities.

[anon456, BSN, RN]

It sounds like your spouse would react this way no matter if it was a nursing job or a successful office job.

When I was a stay at home mom (which I loved, but still it was a hard job) I used to be jealous of my husband because he would be able to get out of the house every day to go to work and interact with adults and achieve goals that he could see on paper. He was jealous of me that I got to stay home and spend valuable time with our children, that they knew me better than him, and I was my own boss.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially if you are not happy with your job, as your spouse is not.

[ShelbyaStar]

I'm just a student at this point but my fiancee is very supportive. He can't wait til I'm making more money than him LOL. He is great with my rants about school or my healthcare related job.

He is squeamish though, so I can't tell him everything. I was relaying what I learned about sperm capacitation because I found it so interesting and even that was too much for him. Stories about getting poop on me lead to HAZMAT level procedures.

[lidleanjel]

My husband is supportive but doesn't like me talking about work. I personally think it's because 1 he is not happy at his job at all and thinking about changing to medical field and I love my job in the ICU and 2 I can gross him out in 2 second flat depending on what I am venting about. I don't think my husband 100% understand so of the craziness we really deal with in our career choice.

I have just learned to vent at the right people. But will vent when he vents. I just tell him we both need it off our chest and not all the time do I any to listen about his job. :)

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

OP just answering your questions directly, and I did not read the other responses as of yet, so forgive me if I am repeating.... This is NOT about you. Repeat, this is NOT about YOU. Your adult husbands issues are his own to work out. Do NOT engage. repeat DO NOT engage.

There's lots of nurses that don't talk about work at home for a variety of reasons. Sometimes (like in my house) that you got to participate in the BEST I&D of the BIGGEST abcess EVER is not great dinner talk. Other times it is a matter of "you just tell people what to do all day" as opposed to the part about you running your butt off all day. All of this can stay at work.

With all due respect, I am sure that it is a giant pain to listen to the blah, blah, blah "you think you are so great" stuff. And it is. This day and age of lots of people not obtaining their dream job (or even a job in their field) and "let the commentary begin". All of this aside, your spouse may be upset (dare I say jealous) of your position, but I am sure not about the paycheck. And any benefits.

After the he said/she said/ you are stuff, the only thing left is humor. My favorite is "My dream was to be a kept woman, but I couldn't convince you to have 10 kids and a farm" or some other light, funny comment...then a "Ok, so what do you want to do for dinner...." or something else that brings the conversation back to the present. Worse case scenario, you'll find yourself on a farm.....

Seriously, we are all pains now and again. Most people don't relish the thought of hearing about the details of the day as far as nurses unless they are nurses. (and in my spouse's case, I really, really am not into hearing about the new transmission in the sedan that he put in.....) Call me crazy, but to bring your relationship into a lighter, brighter place without all the shop talk can only make everyone feel better, and hopefully act better.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Oh, and PS....my mother, on the other hand, LOVES to hear how I manage my issues, and lets me know when she believes that I could do something differently---I could shop talk to her for hours. That was HER job for so long, that she likes to feel included.

So, if your mother, sister, auntie, cousin, bestie....whomever it is can lend an ear to help you process and vent, then go for it.

[exit96]

All good input in my opinion. I am someone who has a very hard time listening, or even wanting to listen to details of the day. Is it because I hate my job, or because I'm not interested? No. Sometimes it's a matter of "timing." Let me decompress for awhile first. Or feed me smaller bites of info, instead of over stimulating me with 200 words per minute. Not saying that you do this OP. Just some stuff from my experience.