im selfish? hmmm

cebollita · Jun 10, 2011

It's amazing to see so many other women who don't like kids, or who don't want to have them!!! Unfortunately, getting knocked up super young is the norm where I live. Sadly, it's due to people being uneducated about birth control and things like that...

RNlovesherPharmD · Jun 10, 2011

It would be more selfish to care about what other people thought of you so much as to have children without wanting them. Kudos to you.

I work labor and delivery, and want to have a child just so I can say I did it. I guess that means I still need to mull it over myself. I like sleeping in, being able to travel, and my dogs suit me just fine for now.

Some people are just born to have them, others are talked into it, then there are few that are smart enough to know they wouldn't enjoy/be good at it. :up:

PeachPie · Jun 11, 2011

What I find disheartening is that wonderful, intelligent people decide to not have kids, while uneducated people seem to have more than their share. Sort of cheapens the gene pool.
Then there are those who thought they would have children but life got in the way. They wake up one day at 45 or so and realize that it's not going to happen. I have 3 good friends who are childless, and only one really chose that option. The others just suddenly realized that the choices they made led them away from having children. One married a widow with grown kids, and is now a grandma without ever being a mommy!
The other is wistful at times that she will never be a mommy. We are all in our late 50's, now, BTW. These women all had wonderful genes to pass on.
But it can be a choice, and it is ultimately no one's business but your own!

You are incorrect and elitist. The only people who should be having kids are the ones who are dedicated enough to raise them. Those who won't shouldn't have kids.

You're just like my dad. He and my mom had 6 kids. As the oldest, I ended up doing a lot of their work because 6 kids didn't work out like their dreams predicted. He's would also spout that "smart people"were obligated to have more kids to try to cancel out the virulent breeders. One day I retorted, "So Uncle Chuck should have had 10 kids?" Uncle Chuck is a Johns Hopkins Ph.D who pretty much ignores his parental duty, and his wife had to save up for years to divorce him because he wound't provide. I also told him about the time I house-sat for a local surgeon. He couldn't trust his 17-year old son to do it, and said son actually threw a pot party while I was there. Yeah, both of these smart people really needed to breed, left such a lasting legacy, and really improved the gene pool.

Meanwhile, the famed neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson was born to an illiterate single mother who curtailed TV, made him study, and checked off his homework even though she couldn't read it. I once took care of a couple who had 8th grade educations, but all 6 of their children grew up to be professionals because they believed in pressing their kids to succeed. Should they have not bred?

tokmom, BSN, RN · Jun 11, 2011

I would love to work peds, but the patient comes with a set of parents. :lol2:

DLS_PMHNP, MSN, RN, NP · Jun 11, 2011

Every time I see some bratty out-of-control kids in public, I turn to my husband and say "Wow, now THAT makes me want to get my tubes tied..."!

As far as my 'raunchy' answer, for when people ask "WHY" I don't have kids... my answer would probably violate the TOS of this site.

So I guess you'll have to use your imaginations.. :lol2:

Great thread, BTW. Thanks, OP, for starting this one..

demylenated, BSN, RN · Jun 11, 2011

maybe this will make you feel better... about the stupidity and rudeness of people.

when i was in nursing school the first time, i engaged the teachers a lot. not cause i am a teacher's pet, but simply because i *love* to learn. i had a 4.0 gpa, and tested the top of every bracket there was. i love/d learning about nursing (still do which is why i am a student again).

well, there was one student in particular who did not like me. i don't like to use or throw the world jealousy around, so i'll say i was in "her" spot... she did not like that she did not have the limelight.

her and i were great friends and study partners until 3/4 of the way through, when push came to shove... we shared a close friendship... part of that was that was sharing i suffered from infertility and wanted a child more than anything i wanted in this world. i felt like a failure. i couldn't even achieve the basic thing a woman was made for (i *felt* at the time). i wanted to be a mom since i was 2... i knew mothering (and nursing) was what i was born to do...

well, toward the end of the year, this other student said to the entire class... very loudly as i was presented an award, "that is great... whatever... anyone can get an award, but only real women can have children." i will never forget that statement. it was 12 years ago.

wow, i was crushed/shocked/hurt/angry all at once. how one could take it that seriously... how it didn't even matter to me (i was not in it for a competition)... and how one could take a private, personal, heart wrenching detail of my life and use it against me in that way. wow.

[not that it matters - but my husband and i were never able to conceive. we decided 4.5 years ago we'd be just as happy living child free. we have an awesome marriage (of 13 years then) and love each other very much. 3 months later, my mom called me. there was a little *lost* 9 year old at her church that needed a home. my daughter came home with me 2 months later. she is now a beautiful 13 year old, thriving child... she has filled the tiny hole in my heart... and all i can think... is nah, nah, nah... lol!! i know this woman will never feel as happy and as complete as i do. i live with passion, not pettiness.]

anyhow... you are not selfish... other people are just odd/rude/insane, and put their 2 cents in when it is far from warranted. i could never work ob/peds, but for completely different reasons... lol

i know a lot of people who don't want kids... no biggie... i almost was one.

thankfully, because you are aware, you won't be this mom:

http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/i-dont-like-my-child

(basically, a mom who, "i was basically repelled by my own child," and "when my second daughter was born, i was blown away by overwhelming mommy love," allowing her first child in want because mom, "had hoped to someday have a daughter, and i had a clear vision of what she would be like: vivacious, spunky, and whip-smart, socially savvy and self-assured. what i got was the polar opposite. at birth, sophie was skinny and weak."

she felt relieved though when her child received a diagnosis (therefore it was the child's fault - not the moms), "as the diagnosis sank in, i found myself feeling more tender." so, in essence she didn't like her daughter... but now feels tender to her because there is really something wrong with her (the child) and not the mom.) :icon_roll :banghead: :mad:

good luck to you!

DLS_PMHNP, MSN, RN, NP · Jun 11, 2011

odd/rude/insane[/b] and put their 2 cents in when it is far from warranted.[/quote']
That about sums it up.. thank you.

DLS_PMHNP, MSN, RN, NP · Jun 11, 2011

People were shocked as to why, especially because I was married, I had not chosen to take on the large responsibility of having children. I don't think it's anybody else's business so I brushed it off with "oh I am so busy with nursing school now" or something.

Thanks for sharing.. Just remember, you NEVER owe anyone an explanation for your very personal and responsible decisions.

tokmom, BSN, RN · Jun 11, 2011

I swing the other way on the pendulum. I have a lot of kids and hear flack all the time on my large family. Some very negative comments.

When it comes to fertility, people think they can for some reason voice their opinions freely.

tokmom, BSN, RN · Jun 11, 2011

maybe this will make you feel better... about the stupidity and rudeness of people.
when i was in nursing school the first time, i engaged the teachers a lot. not cause i am a teacher's pet, but simply because i *love* to learn. i had a 4.0 gpa, and tested the top of every bracket there was. i love/d learning about nursing (still do which is why i am a student again).
well, there was one student in particular who did not like me. i don't like to use or throw the world jealousy around, so i'll say i was in "her" spot... she did not like that she did not have the limelight.
her and i were great friends and study partners until 3/4 of the way through, when push came to shove... we shared a close friendship... part of that was that was sharing i suffered from infertility and wanted a child more than anything i wanted in this world. i felt like a failure. i couldn't even achieve the basic thing a woman was made for (i *felt* at the time). i wanted to be a mom since i was 2... i knew mothering (and nursing) was what i was born to do...
well, toward the end of the year, this other student said to the entire class... very loudly as i was presented an award, "that is great... whatever... anyone can get an award, but only real women can have children." i will never forget that statement. it was 12 years ago.
wow, i was crushed/shocked/hurt/angry all at once. how one could take it that seriously... how it didn't even matter to me (i was not in it for a competition)... and how one could take a private, personal, heart wrenching detail of my life and use it against me in that way. wow.
[not that it matters - but my husband and i were never able to conceive. we decided 4.5 years ago we'd be just as happy living child free. we have an awesome marriage (of 13 years then) and love each other very much. 3 months later, my mom called me. there was a little *lost* 9 year old at her church that needed a home. my daughter came home with me 2 months later. she is now a beautiful 13 year old, thriving child... she has filled the tiny hole in my heart... and all i can think... is nah, nah, nah... lol!! i know this woman will never feel as happy and as complete as i do. i live with passion, not pettiness.]
anyhow... you are not selfish... other people are just odd/rude/insane, and put their 2 cents in when it is far from warranted. i could never work ob/peds, but for completely different reasons... lol
i know a lot of people who don't want kids... no biggie... i almost was one.
thankfully, because you are aware, you won't be this mom:
http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/i-dont-like-my-child
(basically, a mom who, "i was basically repelled by my own child," and "when my second daughter was born, i was blown away by overwhelming mommy love," allowing her first child in want because mom, "had hoped to someday have a daughter, and i had a clear vision of what she would be like: vivacious, spunky, and whip-smart, socially savvy and self-assured. what i got was the polar opposite. at birth, sophie was skinny and weak."
she felt relieved though when her child received a diagnosis (therefore it was the child's fault - not the moms), "as the diagnosis sank in, i found myself feeling more tender." so, in essence she didn't like her daughter... but now feels tender to her because there is really something wrong with her (the child) and not the mom.) :icon_roll
good luck to you!

i'm so sorry for that hurtful comment. i'm speechless. :crying2: as for your daughter, your story made me teary in a good way.

how anyone can be repelled by their own special needs child...that breaks my heart. i do understand the parents need to learn to accept the disability. i can speak about this because i have a daughter that is sn. i would give anything to have her normal, for her sake. not mine. she has brought me much love and beauty just as she is.

Streamline2010 · Jun 11, 2011

While having a conversation w/ a young lady Nurse, i happened to mention
1. Don't really like kids
2. Kind of don't want to have kids
3. HATED OB/PEDS rotation and have no interest in these areas.
Her reply ' Oh my gosh you are soo SELFISH... that is so unwomanly (sp) '
So... Just because im a woman, i have to LOVE kids and automatically want to be a L&D, PP, PEDS nurse?
Sigh... Mini rant over... feel better....

I've gotten that same reaction from people all of my life. I'm Protestant, surrounded by working class Catholics. My usual response is that I have a sterling silver flute, a beach towel, a classic car, a mountain bike, and two pair of roller skates, and I am not currently using any of THOSE, either, so why do people find it unacceptable for me to possess ovaries and uterus and not use them. There's more to life, or being a woman, than babies and motherhood. I just happened to find almost anything more intellectually stimulating and personally rewarding than pregnancy and motherhood. Fortunately, I knew that at the age of 6 or 7, instead of having a few children and then deciding "Oh, I guess this just isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I think I'll abandon y'all now and go find myself." To me, raising children is like raising farm animals in your home, without a government subsidy. I don't know why some people can't get it through their heads that parenthood is just plain repugnant to some of us. If one more person calls me selfish for that, I think I might hit that person hard enough to break his or her jawbone.

leenak · Jun 11, 2011

I'm another childless by choice person although I'm not sure what areas I'll like once I get into nursing school and real world working. The funny thing is I really like children but couldn't imagine having responsibility for them 24/7 so I enjoy being around other people's kids. (Once they are able to talk, I'm not particularly fond of babies) I was thinking that I might actually like peds but who knows.