If people make me feel bad, I've been bullied

Emergent, RN · Feb 10, 2015

People kill themselves over being bullied, so I would never down play bullying or say that having your feelings hurt and saying you are being bullied is a cop out. If you feel like you are being targeted and bullied, then you are. Just like sexual harassment. If you are made to feel uncomfortable by someone's sexual comments that other people were not offended by, then you were sexually harassed even though everyone else didn't see it as harassment.

People kill themselves they are in debt up to their ears, or because their girlfriend dumped them. Does that mean that a creditor trying to collect a debt is to blame? Does that mean that the girlfriend shouldn't dump him?

So, no one should be assertive because someone might kill themselves? We should continually walk on eggshells with everyone in our lives because, well, we might drive them to suicide. Their death would be on our hands! Snippy with the cashier at the supermarket? Uh oh, she jumped off a bridge, and it's my fault!

People kill themselves because they have poor coping skills, suffer from depression, and see no reason to live. I'm not saying bullying is right, there IS bullying. But lets get real here. Suicide is a desperate move by a very unbalanced person.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 10, 2015

Bullying is a PATTERN of behavior. I've yet to hear someone identify that they are being bullied by one sharp comment or getting a voice raised at them once or twice.
Excuses made for yelling at someone to stop them making a life altering mistake? How often does THAT happen? And why on earth would the person yelled at think that is 'bullying'? I've NEVER had to yell at another nurse or staff member in my 23 years. I've been angry enough to yell plenty of times, who hasn't?
Yelling to save a patient's life is extremely specious ground to justify not controlling yourself. NO ONE will blame you, including the nurse yelled at, IF this extraordinarily rare event were to happen, no one would give it a thought. That this idea showed up here as a justification is irrational and tells about a person's unwillingness to curb their behavior when they are upset. Other people don't MAKE you angry. Your own reaction to what they're doing makes you angry, and often this anger is justified. What I think is hard to discern is that just because you are angry doesn't justify verbal aggression. Just because you are angry doesn't justify gossiping and retelling the story with yourself in the role of the Hero to others. Anger doesn't justify anything. Acting angrily is just not appropriate in many situations, while it is appropriate and necessary in others. This is the difference between professional behavior and immaturity. I'm not calling any person immature or professional -- I'm calling the behavior immature or professional.

Clearly you haven't spent a lot of time reading the "bullying" threads on this forum. People will cry "bully" for all sorts of pathetic "reasons."

"My preceptor won't chat with me during break."

"My colleague didn't stop what she was doing and say "Good morning" to me when I arrived on the unit.

"She gave me the stink eye. I know she hates me! Is that bullying?"

Once you've spent some time on the forums and read some of these threads, you can come back and judge me for yelling at someone to prevent a life-altering mistake. In the mean time, I can tell you I control my anger just fine, and have never taken it out on an orientee or student. I'm not perfect, by any means. But I'm not the bully you're accusing me of being.

Emergent, RN · Feb 10, 2015

I didn't see her accuse you of anything, Ruby Vee. Did she send you a PM?

allnurses Guide · Feb 10, 2015

Bullying is a PATTERN of behavior. I've yet to hear someone identify that they are being bullied by one sharp comment or getting a voice raised at them once or twice.
Excuses made for yelling at someone to stop them making a life altering mistake? How often does THAT happen? And why on earth would the person yelled at think that is 'bullying'? I've NEVER had to yell at another nurse or staff member in my 23 years. I've been angry enough to yell plenty of times, who hasn't?
Yelling to save a patient's life is extremely specious ground to justify not controlling yourself. NO ONE will blame you, including the nurse yelled at, IF this extraordinarily rare event were to happen, no one would give it a thought. That this idea showed up here as a justification is irrational and tells about a person's unwillingness to curb their behavior when they are upset.

Maybe I should refine what I said a bit. I have probably over the years here, read enough posts from people to see some commonalities in what other people call "yelling", not the type of angry yelling that I associate with abuse. A voice may be raised, a tone may sound clipped or impatient or even "rude" to a newer person, largely dependent on their personality type.

I had issues myself at first as I am the sensitive type and had my feelings bruised over such things as the nurse manager asking me on a very busy day "you want to go to lunch now??? It's almost time to go home!"

What I heard her saying was "you are a terrible nurse and what made you ever think you could be one of us?" I feel certain now that my "filter" was the problem, not her words. I think this is true of most new people trying to integrate into the unique world of healthcare delivery. I had to grow up and get over that in time or bail out altogether. It's a process!

In the vast majority of these cases, the nurse supposedly "yelling" is not angry. I agree that in most areas of nursing these do or die moments probably don't happen very often. Misinterpretations of tone and facial expression happens quite frequently.

BrandonLPN, LPN · Feb 10, 2015

Where'd you get your PhD in psychology? You have me totally figured out. You must be really bright. I wish I could work with you. You should look up the DSM V criteria for narcissistic personalty disorder when you get a chance.
What I'm saying and what you said is totally inappropriate for the workplace. That was what I was trying to say.

Uh-oh, someone's using sarcasm as a socially acceptable form of bullying and intimidation!.....

mariebailey, MSN, RN · Feb 10, 2015

Uh-oh, someone's using sarcasm as a socially acceptable form of bullying and intimidation!.....

I actually agree with you. Roser 13 got me fired up the other night, & I went on the offensive. I should not have reacted like that.

FlyingScot, RN · Feb 10, 2015

I actually agree with you. Roser 13 got me fired up the other night, & I went on the offensive. I should not have reacted like that.

Yes you did and does that make you a bully? Or just a human who responded inappropriately because one of your buttons got pushed? I think that's what Emergent was trying to say. Sometimes people get snappish or terse or don't give the person the answer they wanted and it seems like when that happens there are SOME posters who raise that to the level of bullying when it really isn't.

mariebailey, MSN, RN · Feb 10, 2015

Yes you did and does that make you a bully? Or just a human who responded inappropriately because one of your buttons got pushed? I think that's what Emergent was trying to say. Sometimes people get snappish or terse or don't give the person the answer they wanted and it seems like when that happens there are SOME posters who raise that to the level of bullying when it really isn't.

I think what would have made it bullying is if I consistently behaved this way, going from thread to thread attacking her comments and her personally. I get that there's a difference. When someone quotes your entire post & responds only with an emoticon that's laughing, which is what Roser 13 did, it can indeed push your buttons. I never called her a bully though.

FlyingScot, RN · Feb 10, 2015

I think what would have made it bullying is if I consistently behaved this way, going from thread to thread attacking her comments and her personally. I get that there's a difference. When someone quotes your entire post & responds only with an emoticon that's laughing, which is what Roser 13 did, it can indeed push your buttons. I never called her a bully though.

I know you didn't. I was just using what happened between the two of you to make a point. Maybe what you said made her feel bad but that doesn't make you a bully. You're right, bullying is a pattern of behavior not the occasional eye-roll or snub. Nor is it being told something you don't want to hear or don't like or completely misinterpret. You have to admit there are folks out there who absolutely cannot take criticism of any sort, even constructive. I don't like criticism. It doesn't make me feel good about myself but I have to be careful not to make it personal. If someone says to me that I need to improve on something or I did something incorrectly I have to be able to hear what they are saying without interpreting it as them telling me I am a horrible nurse or I'm stupid, or whatever.

BrandonLPN, LPN · Feb 10, 2015

Good points being made about terse replies and sarcastic remarks being mistaken for bullying in the workplace.

To all the people who feel like their coworkers are bullies because they all tend to respond to your questions/comments with curt replies and impatience.... Ask yourself: Are they all acting this way because they're anti-social bullies?.... Or are they responding the way they do because you are asking questions in annoying way and/or at inopportune moments?

I think many nurses who feel like they're victims of workplace bullying just can't see the forest for the trees.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Feb 12, 2015

Good points being made about terse replies and sarcastic remarks being mistaken for bullying in the workplace.
To all the people who feel like their coworkers are bullies because they all tend to respond to your questions/comments with curt replies and impatience.... Ask yourself: Are they all acting this way because they're anti-social bullies?.... Or are they responding the way they do because you are asking questions in annoying way and/or at inopportune moments?
I think many nurses who feel like they're victims of workplace bullying just can't see the forest for the trees.

I agree, those were good points made about a snippy reply not being bullying. Nor is it bullying when someone doesn't behave up to your personal standard of friendliness. That's just stuff we ALL try to work on not doing too much, just because a good team atmosphere makes our hard jobs a lot easier than otherwise. I try to keep a check on my facial expressions, having had people back off from me looking startled lol (one was a patient's family member :eek: ). I'll never forget that, and when 'b**ch face' got cute on Facebook a while back I had to admit it was something to watch out for.

This isn't really a black and white issue, as in "can't see the forest for the trees" kind of thing. It's really shades of grey. Bullying does happen, much more rarely than a careless tone of voice or sharp word. Crying 'bully' inappropriately does happen too, but it's not all that hard to discern if the crying person has entitlement issues, they'll have multiple interpersonal issues that get in the way of clear communication. Although lateral violence is less common than decent behavior, it does happen and it wouldn't have been written up in nursing journals if it weren't.

If you've been accused of bullying, it's worth checking yourself out. Why not? You didn't rob a bank or kill a patient. Maybe you don't realize how you come across. It IS our responsibility how we come across, it can't be anyone else's! At the same time, you can't across the board hold OTHER people responsible for how they 'take' your behavior. It's not one or the other. It's always both :) It's no big deal to check yourself out, it's an ongoing process for all of us, we SHOULD care. As for the person who struggles with thinking others are out to get them no matter what or how you say it, their emotional issues are beyond my control. In the very least I can try and develop some trust and safety with that person. Who knows what's happened to them in their life. Taking a moment to put yourself in another's place is just taking a moment, it's not a big deal. We're all working hard to do our jobs and that alone deserves baseline respect :)

kungpoopanda · Mar 3, 2015

Clearly you haven't spent a lot of time reading the "bullying" threads on this forum. People will cry "bully" for all sorts of pathetic "reasons."
"My preceptor won't chat with me during break."
"My colleague didn't stop what she was doing and say "Good morning" to me when I arrived on the unit.
"She gave me the stink eye. I know she hates me! Is that bullying?"
Once you've spent some time on the forums and read some of these threads, you can come back and judge me for yelling at someone to prevent a life-altering mistake. In the mean time, I can tell you I control my anger just fine, and have never taken it out on an orientee or student. I'm not perfect, by any means. But I'm not the bully you're accusing me of being.

If you are not a bully your replies are certainly very harsh to people who are reaching out for some validation and help. You never miss an opportunity to state that the person with the problem IS the problem. I would hate to work with you.