If people make me feel bad, I've been bullied

BrandonLPN, LPN · Mar 16, 2015

There's a fine line between being "real" and being real rude. A lot of posters here think that they have to be rude or insulting in order to get a point across. It only serves to discourage the individual because the "message" is never really heard. Everyone is different, but people will always pay attention to how something SOUNDS before they pay attention to what is being said. English is a heck of a language; the same sentence can be said in 20 different ways. If you don't know how to say something in a way that offers constructive criticism, keep it to yourself. But don't say you have to be rude for someone else's best interest. That's just bull coming from a bully.

Of course, all of this hinges on how you define the word "rude".

In online communication, I have found that the people who cry rude the most either a) equate being frank with being rude, or b) are unable to appreciate and/or recognize sarcasm.

There's nothing wrong with being blunt. When you post an anecdote or an opinion on a public message board, you really ought to prepare yourself for criticism and disagreeing viewpoints. And the directness of online forum communication is really one of its virtues. It's an opportunity to bounce ideas off people who aren't all that afraid to tell it like it is. If you want blind reassurance and people telling you what you want to hear, that's what vent phone sessions with your BF are for.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Mar 17, 2015

There's a fine line between being "real" and being real rude. A lot of posters here think that they have to be rude or insulting in order to get a point across. It only serves to discourage the individual because the "message" is never really heard. Everyone is different, but people will always pay attention to how something SOUNDS before they pay attention to what is being said. English is a heck of a language; the same sentence can be said in 20 different ways. If you don't know how to say something in a way that offers constructive criticism, keep it to yourself. But don't say you have to be rude for someone else's best interest. That's just bull coming from a bully.

Being "rude" is not being a bully. And even rude people often have knowledge or criticism that others can profit from hearing. The fact that YOU don't like hearing doesn't mean that you -- or someone else -- cannot learn something. (Of course if your mind is closed because you don't like the delivery, you won't learn anything. But someone more eager to learn might.) No one has to be deliberately rude or insulting to get a point across -- provided that the person you're trying to get the point across to is paying attention. But "rudeness" is often in the eyes of the beholder, and just because you think it's rude doesn't mean it's meant that way.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

Being "rude" is not being a bully. And even rude people often have knowledge or criticism that others can profit from hearing. The fact that YOU don't like hearing doesn't mean that you -- or someone else -- cannot learn something. (Of course if your mind is closed because you don't like the delivery, you won't learn anything. But someone more eager to learn might.) No one has to be deliberately rude or insulting to get a point across -- provided that the person you're trying to get the point across to is paying attention. But "rudeness" is often in the eyes of the beholder, and just because you think it's rude doesn't mean it's meant that way.

There's a 'third' point to be made here, after defining what 'rude' is. A good place to start is defining 'rude' as criticizing a person's qualities (like intelligence, or some nebulous claim of 'being a good nurse' whatever that means). No matter what, if one person criticizes the personal qualities of another person, that is rude.

But there are multiple perspectives to consider. One perspective is the person accused of being rude, and the other is the person 'receiving rude' . In no reasonable way is either of these person's perspective more important or valid than the other. Therefore, they BOTH must be taken into consideration, hopefully, by both persons.

If you get a comment here and there that people think you are rude, you (the generic you) really ought to consider if there's any truth to it. If you think so many people are rude and disrespectful to you very often, you really ought to consider your part in this, especially when others aren't reacting to as much rudeness as you yourself are.

Where I disagree with you Miss Ruby is that rude is rude is rude. And in the end, if the other person thinks you (the generic you) is rude, they aren't going to listen to you or 'hear' you no matter the quality of your information. People's ears turn off.

What seems MORE important to me than acting any old way I want is that my directions are understood and RECEIVED. If I have to be extra gentle with a certain staff, that's fine with me. Why not? What is so precious about me that I don't have to adjust how I come across? It's about the information and teamwork, which affects patient care, not about my 'right' to be myself.

I don't know you well enough to assume you are one way or another :) but these are the thoughts that came up when I read your post.

I do agree there are individuals so insecure and guarded it's like you can't say boo to them without them crying 'bullying!'. They are in a class of their own, I'm sure you agree :) The rest of us are somewhere in the middle, and why not give a little leeway here and there, so your valuable experience is utilized by the person you are sharing it with? It's no skin of your (the generic) nose to pay attention to what works best with various coworkers, it's all in the spirit of delivering good patient care anyway.

emtb2rn, BSN, RN, EMT-B · Mar 17, 2015

"If my answers frighten you Vincent, then you should cease asking scary questions." Jules Winnfield

EmergencyRN22 · Mar 19, 2015

Bullying is like the pain scale. It's whatever the patient (or nurse) states it is. Perhaps those nurses who are claiming "bullying" for "small" things does actually feel bullied. They might not much of a basis for feeling that way but we shouldn't dismiss it. Other nurses who have had "bullying" for "large" things may feel frustrated towards the former nurses.

Hope i made sense - I'm tired after a long, hectic shift. :)

After thinking about it ... Can we have a 1-10 bully scale? Ooo even better, the "faces" bully scale.

Personally, I stay out of people's personal business as much as I can. I rarely socialize, outside of work, with coworkers. I'm pleasant and help at work but I don't like mixing "work" with my relaxing, unwinding family time.

Good night. :)

SmilingBluEyes · Mar 20, 2015

I do not believe bullying is always what the (possibly bullied) says it is. Some people are too damned thin-skinned in order to function normally and others look for anything or anyone on whom they can to pin their own insecurites and ineptitude. If I am direct with you, and you "think" I am a bully, that does not make it so. I know the difference between rudeness/bullying and being direct. Nursing is a field where directness is not only possible, but often needed. Grow a thicker skin!

Examine your own character and try to understand what people are saying before you cry "bully"!

Now that said, I am not denying bullying exists. If you are being truly bullied or think you may be, I have put this on the site many times. It's a great site that deals with byulling at home or at work!

Bully OnLine: bullying in the workplace, school, family and community, action you can take, stress, psychiatric injury, PTSD, resources, case histories, news and contact the media

RobotNurse · Mar 24, 2015

well, we are on a forum where you can get a TOS violation for hurting someone's feefees by telling them you don't care about their opinions of you.

if someone considers this a legit offense, what are they perceiving as "bullying" at work?!

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Mar 25, 2015

I do not believe bullying is always what the (possibly bullied) says it is. Some people are too damned thin-skinned in order to function normally and others look for anything or anyone on whom they can to pin their own insecurites and ineptitude. If I am direct with you, and you "think" I am a bully, that does not make it so. I know the difference between rudeness/bullying and being direct. Nursing is a field where directness is not only possible, but often needed. Grow a thicker skin!
Examine your own character and try to understand what people are saying before you cry "bully"!
Now that said, I am not denying bullying exists. If you are being truly bullied or think you may be, I have put this on the site many times. It's a great site that deals with byulling at home or at work!
Bully OnLine: bullying in the workplace, school, family and community, action you can take, stress, psychiatric injury, PTSD, resources, case histories, news and contact the media

Recently my old lap top croaked and I lost my bookmarks. This site was on there, so now I have it back. It's a great site, an old one that has had a few makeovers. I remember reading it through about seven years ago, for a situation I was in (not at work). I really recommend it.

In my experience, the people who cry 'bully!' the most often and persistently, over and over again, are bullies themselves. There's a continuum of bullying, from blatant and obvious to subtle and manipulative, hard to detect. Over all, it's a PATTERN of behavior.

And I think MOST people, when they first wonder if they are being bullied, take a long look at themselves BEFORE crying 'bully!'. Often, they are very unsure that they were being bullied and it takes several episodes of the bullying to occur before they catch on.

Finally admitting they feel bullied is after a long process of self reflection -- sometimes TOO long, because it is embarrassing to admit you are being bullied, that you feel so bad and vulnerable.

A person can put on a pair of 'glasses' so that they are suspicious of any claims of bullying, or a pair of glasses where all claims of bullying are obviously justified.

But out of basic human respect, when someone says they feel bullied, it's NOT classy to bring up how 'often' claims of bullying are exaggerated feefee's being butthurt. That's like having a person tell you their spouse smacks them around and then asking them what they did to get hit in the first place.

The Golden Rule is easy enough to remember. If YOU felt singled out for some kind of verbal abuse from a co-worker, and the response you got was 'What about you? Could you be exaggerating? What were you doing/saying? Maybe you just enjoy the attention?' you'd feel outraged, and for good reason. How would you like to be treated when you share a difficulty in your life? Simple as that -- do that to other people which you would like them to do for you.

allnurses Guide · Mar 26, 2015

There's so much wrong with my title. Yes, we have every right to our feelings. I feel sad, I feel bad, I am happy, I feel great!
But, to blame others for our emotional state is a cop out.
Yes, bullying does exist and can be devastating. But just because our feelings are hurt does not make us victims.

In my never to be humble opinion we live in a society that encourages the victimized. If I fell bad it must be someone elses fault. The fact is your feelings are ours and yours alone. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. If someone in a bully they will be equal opportunity and bully others - if they are taking fault with you first look at yourself to see if they are right and make changes. Grow up and do your job.

Not_A_Hat_Person, RN · Mar 27, 2015

People who are insensitive about other people's feelings tend to be extremely sensitive about their own.

allnurses Guide · Mar 27, 2015

People who are insensitive about other people's feelings tend to be extremely sensitive about their own.

If you are talking to me please understand I am not insensitive to others feelings but one persons feelings are not more important tan another person's feeling. It is a universal axiom that nothing can disturb you if you refuse to be disturbed. I was raised in a very abusive home and had to choose to be either a victem or a survivor. I choose survivor. Nursing is hard work and requires a thick skin and nerves of granite. I have found that when someone points something out about me and I get upset I usually own at least part of the problem. True bullies do exist and need to be dealt with but most situations do not meet the definition of bullying!

Hppy

SmilingBluEyes · Mar 28, 2015

well said! Could have written this post myself!

If you are talking to me please understand I am not insensitive to others feelings but one persons feelings are not more important tan another person's feeling. It is a universal axiom that nothing can disturb you if you refuse to be disturbed. I was raised in a very abusive home and had to choose to be either a victem or a survivor. I choose survivor. Nursing is hard work and requires a thick skin and nerves of granite. I have found that when someone points something out about me and I get upset I usually own at least part of the problem. True bullies do exist and need to be dealt with but most situations do not meet the definition of bullying!
Hppy