If people make me feel bad, I've been bullied

[Emergent]

There's so much wrong with my title. Yes, we have every right to our feelings. I feel sad, I feel bad, I am happy, I feel great!

But, to blame others for our emotional state is a cop out.

Yes, bullying does exist and can be devastating. But just because our feelings are hurt does not make us victims.

[joyouter]

I think this whole campaign to convince people people are crying bully prematurely was started by a bunch of bullies. And people who use sarcasm, eye-rolling, gossiping, information hoarding, disregarding your needs/concerns are just doing the socially acceptable form of bullying...but it's still bullying. There are many, many ways to make a person feel intimidated or threatened

And will wear one down eventually........... .

Interesting discussion. How would one define the difference between continual harassment ( on-going) vs. bullying. Can this be defined as a personal attack if the nurse has done nothing wrong and accusations are made consistently which are lies and have been refuted many times? Or can it encompass the physical reaction of a manager who will stare at you blankly when you request help or assistance at the mg mt. level? Then in the next moment, criticize you for working overtime to meet your extensive patient population load without acknowledging one`s workload.or that your work is excellent? ( coworker`s descriptions)

Does such behavior meet the characteristics of bullying, sociopath behavior or simply part of nursing, especially when it is continuous over a year?

Bullying or harassment can be defined as any type of consistent behavior from one or many persons against a specific person, to the point where there is psychological stress, physical symptoms and one has to work twice as hard to meet one`s goals. Burn out can result from all of the above, and yes it is bullying.

There is a major difference and well defined need in nursing to adress an action an action where it may cause harm or where such an action has occurred and the results must be addressed, as part of learning and taking responsibility.

Personal dislike, pre-judgement, jealousy- all of the green eyed monsters invoke actions of bullying and harassment and must not be ignored or brushed off lightly. they are signals of deeper psychological problems and affect nursing teams, in particular when managers feel it is their prerogative to exercise power through such tactics .

. If we, as professionals, see and accept this as part of a normal behavior, then we, in turn, inadvertently support the very act by not adressing it at its core.

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

I see evidence of verbal 'bullying' in the last couple of pages of this thread, causing the thread to be 'timed out'.

If this isn't evidence of the lateral aggression/'violence' amongst nurses then I don't know what is.

People in general respond well to specific criticism that is couched in respectful terms. This involves very little effort on the part of the nurse giving the criticism. I don't understand why anyone would defend yelling at a coworker when it is EASIER to respond to them with politeness and respect.

A nurse who finds him/herself with a sarcastic or aggressive response 'first' to their lips is a nurse who probably doesn't want to be known for such behavior, and probably has little idea of how they are coming across. I've politely confronted a charge nurse early on in my career about yelling at me in front of day and night shift and she was shocked and concerned that she came across the way I told her. She was genuinely receptive and ironically befriended me thereafter!

Instead of parsing semantics about what really is 'bullying' and why it's NOT happening or the person crying 'bully' is a manipulator, why not be open minded and introspective? Not a one of us wants to be a bully or a jerk. And when we are, and we find out about it, we are troubled. There may be a select few individuals that thrive on power plays and sowing discord, but they are rare. The rest of us are just being careless or lazy in our communication and mean no harm.

So let's be more receptive to the idea that lateral violence does happen, it's happening in this thread, and NO ONE on either side means to be a jerk. It's OK to be a human being with imperfections and limitations. Like Emergent said, I'm one who had to manually learn assertiveness skills in communication, rather than develop awareness and care that I don't come across too aggressively. Everyone is different. Each temperament has it's plus and minus, so what?

What interests me is that a thread about 'being more assertive' as a nurse does NOT end up being timed out or closed due to people verbally assaulting one another, but when a thread about lateral violence or NETY comes up, that's when people really pull their pants down and show their behinds. And I KNOW that's not what nurses mean to be. We all want to see ourselves in a good light -- and we don't need to put others in the dark to do so.

[TheGooch]

I see evidence of verbal 'bullying' in the last couple of pages of this thread, causing the thread to be 'timed out'.

If this isn't evidence of the lateral aggression/'violence' amongst nurses then I don't know what is.

People in general respond well to specific criticism that is couched in respectful terms. This involves very little effort on the part of the nurse giving the criticism. I don't understand why anyone would defend yelling at a coworker when it is EASIER to respond to them with politeness and respect.

A nurse who finds him/herself with a sarcastic or aggressive response 'first' to their lips is a nurse who probably doesn't want to be known for such behavior, and probably has little idea of how they are coming across. I've politely confronted a charge nurse early on in my career about yelling at me in front of day and night shift and she was shocked and concerned that she came across the way I told her. She was genuinely receptive and ironically befriended me thereafter!

Instead of parsing semantics about what really is 'bullying' and why it's NOT happening or the person crying 'bully' is a manipulator, why not be open minded and introspective? Not a one of us wants to be a bully or a jerk. And when we are, and we find out about it, we are troubled. There may be a select few individuals that thrive on power plays and sowing discord, but they are rare. The rest of us are just being careless or lazy in our communication and mean no harm.

So let's be more receptive to the idea that lateral violence does happen, it's happening in this thread, and NO ONE on either side means to be a jerk. It's OK to be a human being with imperfections and limitations. Like Emergent said, I'm one who had to manually learn assertiveness skills in communication, rather than develop awareness and care that I don't come across too aggressively. Everyone is different. Each temperament has it's plus and minus, so what?

What interests me is that a thread about 'being more assertive' as a nurse does NOT end up being timed out or closed due to people verbally assaulting one another, but when a thread about lateral violence or NETY comes up, that's when people really pull their pants down and show their behinds. And I KNOW that's not what nurses mean to be. We all want to see ourselves in a good light -- and we don't need to put others in the dark to do so.

Great post but I feel it falls on deaf ears. Like I said bullies rarely believe they are bullies. The people on this thread who keep trying to say the term is overused and who feel the need to attack those who disagree will never change their minds.

[mariebailey, MSN, RN]

We work in a field where people's health, limbs and even their lives are at stake. Yelling at someone who is about to screw up is not ideal, but there are times when it's the only thing you CAN do to prevent great harm to your patients. I'm talking raised voice/increased decibels, not berating or belittling. I have raised my voice (to be heard above the hub-bub of a team of residents evaluating sinus rhythm with artifact and finding VT) and yelled "STOP" to prevent one of them from defibrillating a patient who clearly didn't need it. I've yelled "Not THERE!" to a nurse practitioner who was about to push anesthesia reversals through an arterial line after saying calmly, "You can use this line," "This line is free" and finally "That's the art line" didn't get through to her.

In most cases, those who are yelled at are those whose "esteem problems" are in the direction of having too much of it, not too little. And if my yelling "STOP!" to prevent harm to my patient causes the individual on the recieving end to develop negative self esteem, I'm really sorry, but my patient comes before your self esteem issues.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Thank you! Overusing the "b" word devalues the experiences of those who have truly been bullied. But what really frosts me is comparing hurt feelings to domestic violence. GRRRRRR!

THIS!!!!

I find myself clenching my jaw and try to put the phone down when they make a correlation to DV. Sometimes I just...

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

We are supposed to be providing compassion and sensitivity for patients, not sponging all of it up ourselves. Most people want someone who is calm, solid, and emotionally available for others taking care of them, not some neurotic mess who gets upset when coworkers aren't sweet to them.

Well, there you go. That's how to deal with it. There's no doubt that bullying does exist and deserves to be wiped out. A reasonable person makes a plan and deals with the problem. An unreasonable person comes to work wringing their hands over gossip and sideye and imagined slights.

I had to re quote these because this is just not enough likes for me.

Well said.

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

Great post but I feel it falls on deaf ears. Like I said bullies rarely believe they are bullies. The people on this thread who keep trying to say the term is overused and who feel the need to attack those who disagree will never change their minds.

I was reading about how and why conspiracy theories are so seductive last night, and in this article it was mentioned that when hard-core 911 Truthers were put in a room and given explanations or evidence that countered their insistence on a conspiracy that these Truthers left the meeting MORE convinced of their conspiracy than ever.

So yeah, discussions like this do little to convince a person who wants to justify aggression in the work place to see it all another way. The psychology behind it is circular and completely self-justifying. It is like a mental rut. This stands true for the same folks when they feel victimized. Aggressive types are the quintessential victim. The difference between the bully-turned-victim and an actual victim is subtle but easy to see once the difference is pointed out.

"Real" victims don't draw attention to themselves as a rule, either publicly or in private. This is because they feel some shame at being bullied, or blame themselves, or most likely, just want it to stop and the best way to do that is keep your head down and plow on. The subtle difference is in who seeks to draw attention to themselves and who doesn't. Aggressive types seek attention whether by aggressive behavior OR aggressively seeking validation for some wrong done to them. Look for who is shouting loudest and most insistently, and you're likely to find your 'bully' whatEVER side they are playing.

[AlphaM]

[LaneyB]

Bullying to me is persistent behavior meant to cause other people anguish. Where I work we have a group of people who LOVE to bully any newbies. It is not done in a manner that is meant to train or correct the new employee. It is purely because this small group of people get off on making others miserable. They will whisper to each other, then stop as soon as the new person walks in the room, refuse to say hello when the new person says hi, etc. etc. etc. We have had about 5 new people start at my place recently, and they have done this to all of them. They scowl at them when they walk in the room, make rude comments to each other about how the newbies dress or their hair or makeup....

I have been here long enough that I am very comfortable telling them to knock it off, but it goes beyond the title of this thread. It IS bullying and it is sad to me that these women are not harshly corrected by management. And for the new people who work here and feel sick coming into work everyday, and end up frequently in tears I am sure it DOES feel like emotional abuse.

And the same few people on this website seem to love to defend bullying. That makes me suspect that you might be engaging in it yourself under the guise of having high standards or trying to prevent harm to patients. I have been a nurse for years, and in really high stress areas and I never had to compromise my civility to precept.

[ontheway2crna]

People kill themselves over being bullied, so I would never down play bullying or say that having your feelings hurt and saying you are being bullied is a cop out. If you feel like you are being targeted and bullied, then you are. Just like sexual harassment. If you are made to feel uncomfortable by someone's sexual comments that other people were not offended by, then you were sexually harassed even though everyone else didn't see it as harassment.

[OCNRN63, RN]

We work in a field where people's health, limbs and even their lives are at stake. Yelling at someone who is about to screw up is not ideal, but there are times when it's the only thing you CAN do to prevent great harm to your patients. I'm talking raised voice/increased decibels, not berating or belittling. I have raised my voice (to be heard above the hub-bub of a team of residents evaluating sinus rhythm with artifact and finding VT) and yelled "STOP" to prevent one of them from defibrillating a patient who clearly didn't need it. I've yelled "Not THERE!" to a nurse practitioner who was about to push anesthesia reversals through an arterial line after saying calmly, "You can use this line," "This line is free" and finally "That's the art line" didn't get through to her.

In most cases, those who are yelled at are those whose "esteem problems" are in the direction of having too much of it, not too little. And if my yelling "STOP!" to prevent harm to my patient causes the individual on the recieving end to develop negative self esteem, I'm really sorry, but my patient comes before your self esteem issues.

LOL...I yelled at a doc many years my senior who started CPR on a pt. who had passed out.

"DOCTOR!!! We already have a pulse!!!" (Brady in the 40s, but on a teenage Amish kid, probably not far from where he "lived" normally.)

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

Bullying is a PATTERN of behavior. I've yet to hear someone identify that they are being bullied by one sharp comment or getting a voice raised at them once or twice.

Excuses made for yelling at someone to stop them making a life altering mistake? How often does THAT happen? And why on earth would the person yelled at think that is 'bullying'? I've NEVER had to yell at another nurse or staff member in my 23 years. I've been angry enough to yell plenty of times, who hasn't?

Yelling to save a patient's life is extremely specious ground to justify not controlling yourself. NO ONE will blame you, including the nurse yelled at, IF this extraordinarily rare event were to happen, no one would give it a thought. That this idea showed up here as a justification is irrational and tells about a person's unwillingness to curb their behavior when they are upset. Other people don't MAKE you angry. Your own reaction to what they're doing makes you angry, and often this anger is justified. What I think is hard to discern is that just because you are angry doesn't justify verbal aggression. Just because you are angry doesn't justify gossiping and retelling the story with yourself in the role of the Hero to others. Anger doesn't justify anything. Acting angrily is just not appropriate in many situations, while it is appropriate and necessary in others. This is the difference between professional behavior and immaturity. I'm not calling any person immature or professional -- I'm calling the behavior immature or professional.