I need your advice on dealing with people who try to treat me like I'm stupid

[zaggar]

Hello everyone. I love nursing. I love helping people get better. I love learning new things. I want to keep doing this. But I've hit a serious mental roadblock that I can't get over. I've been nursing for 8 years, and I would like to do 30 more, but there is one personality type that - seriously - might make me quit.

I have a problem with coworkers who try to browbeat me or act like they are better than me. It seems that every floor has one or two people who seem to live for no reason other than to aggravate others, and it doesn't take them long to figure out what makes my blood boil. These people tend to get me during shift change, where I've just spent the last 12 hours trying to do the best I can, just to have them sit there (and you can see their minds working) as they try to poke holes in the job I've done, or get me to admit I don't know some detail, so they can roll their eyes at me and suggest that I'm a terrible nurse - in front of others is usually best in their eyes. They aren't trying to teach me. They aren't trying to hold the floor to a high standard. They are trying to be aggravating passive/aggressive jerks who feel better about themselves by putting others down.

These nurses often have been on the same floor too long. Now they think it's "their" floor. They think they are better than everyone else. They give everyone a hard time. And generally everyone puts up with them because these people are good at acting innocent in front of the bosses, plus they are the veterans who have been there the longest, and in general they don't want to go to war with a crazy person.

How can I deal with these people without taking it to the boss. I don't want the bosses to fix this problem for me, because it really seems like it's my problem, and coworkers like these aren't going away. Sadly, I've even left good floors because of a few bad apples, only to learn there are bad apples everywhere. I'm afraid if I don't get some good advice that works, I'll be telling them to go to hell (pant pant pant), and then I'll be the one who looks like the problem child.

If any of you have overcome this hurdle, I deeply need your advice. I'm tired of spending my days off dwelling on people who are not worth my time and peace of mind.

Thanks.

[veggie530]

Wait for them by their car.

LOL, I kid, I kid.

Why not just be up front and ask them if they have a problem?

[zaggar]

I have. They say no. They keep at it. They're clever.

Also, I'm wanting to stop using the old standby of directly confronting the issue, cause life is full of issues and if I spent all my time addressing the crazy things you see in the hospital I wouldn't have time to care for my patients. I want to let it roll off, like water off a ducks back.

[chrisrn24]

When you know what the problem is you have the power. You aren't the only victim...and you are going run into crappy coworkers at any job so get the idea out of your Head that it is nursing in particular.

[gcupid]

Being upfront also means calling out passive aggressive behavior. Do you have a problem? "No". Okay, well I saw you roll your eyes a grand total of 3x's back to back, are you sure it's not me?

And if you know that he/she is still being a liar. Make another comment like, "if it's not me, I can give you a minute to pull yourself together before we start report. I know that home issues can get in the way of work at times. Here's a dollar if you would like something from the vending machine before we start."

There are people that are professionals at walking on top of the line without crossing it. Your job is to slightly push them off balance, so that they tip over the line. And when they do, go for the jugular, aorta, and everything else. Crucify 'them. And these heifers will respect your mind. They will realize that they may not be ok to exert that behavior with you and just save it for the next victim.

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

And if you know that he/she is still being a liar. Make another comment like, "if it's not me, I can give you a minute to pull yourself together before we start report. I know that home issues can get in the way of work at times. Here's a dollar if you would like something from the vending machine before we start."

Reminds me of back in the ol' pay phone days of giving someone a quarter and telling them to call someone who cares :) There are "mean" nurses everywhere. You either deal with them head on or find a way to not let them get under your skin. At the end of the day you don't really care what they think about you anyway.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

First off, your days off are meant for relaxing and recharging so stop wasting your own time dwelling on people who's behavior you can not change, only your reaction to it.

Cool as a cucumber, give your report. If they prod you for more information, site SBAR, that you are attemting to be more streamlined in reporting. When eyes begin to roll I would (without missing a beat) say "stop rolling your eyes, according to my mother, they will stay that way. Anyways, back to Mrs Jones in 569"......if they want more information, suggest that they "in their chart review" that they find out that information. Remember this is not your problem, nor is it your issue. It is their own.

Don't let them see you sweat. Don't give them the power. Passive agression is annoying at a number of levels, but a poor reflection on them as people and as nurses. Thank goodness they are just your co-workers who you have limited contact with as opposed to your friends or family.

Let it go. If you believe yourself to be an effective nurse in practice, and you know that these coworkers are participating in behaviors that are child like and rude, have at it then. Stay on task, stay on report, and thankfully, leave them to their shift. If you are unwilling to take this to another level, then this is about all you can do to save your own sanity.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Ooooh, it can be so much fun calling out passive aggressives! Seriously! My mother is the world's biggest PA; I finally found out what works to stop her, and that's to say out loud,in front of others, with a laugh, "Stop it. Do not do that again." And when she protests, tries to say that I "misunderstood" or "am playing the guilt card," no wavering. "You know exactly what I mean. Cut it out." And then move on. I have almost entirely extinguished this behavior in her because it no longer works for her. She can't use it to make herself feel bigger by making me feel smaller if I respond from a position of strength. It makes her crazy. :)

You may or may not decide that would work in your situation; you might try a different tack at work. Make a game out of it. I love the "Don't roll your eyes, my mother says they'll stay that way" thing. If you are doing this with a grin -- a real one -- in front of others, you'll get a snicker. Laughter is great, and so deflating to gasbags all full of themselves.

Never, ever miss a chance to call them on PA behavior. Do it with a genuine laugh in your heart and it will show on your face. Because it's the only thing they know how to do, you will make them crazy. Doesn't that make you smile?

Do recognize that your new-found lack of victimhood and your bemused reactions to their childish behaviors (and the increasing snickers of recognition from others) will result in an initial escalation ... and that's when you start looking for signs that they are falling over the line. Then you know you're really getting to them. Laugh! Hah!

By then you will be moving so far beyond them, and showing true leadership to others, that you will have won. Have fun with it!

[Pangea Reunited, ASN, RN]

Make another comment like, "if it's not me, I can give you a minute to pull yourself together before we start report. I know that home issues can get in the way of work at times. Here's a dollar if you would like something from the vending machine before we start."

Hilarious (as long as I don't actually have to give up my dollar).

[llg, PhD, RN]

And if you know that he/she is still being a liar. Make another comment like, "if it's not me, I can give you a minute to pull yourself together before we start report. I know that home issues can get in the way of work at times. Here's a dollar if you would like something from the vending machine before we start."

Brilliant. Definitely worth quoting so that it gets repeated.

[roser13, ASN, RN]

I totally agree with all of the above advice on how to deal with all of the PA behavior.

However, not all of us are naturally inclined to be able to do that in the calm, assertive way that it needs to be done. I myself was not. It wasn't until I realized (a) they are everywhere (as you've discovered), (b) I was feeding right into their behavior, and © I was letting them occupy space in my head that was better used on other, more pleasant topics, that I was able to attain the cojones to deal with these jerks. It takes time and mental preparation and sometimes just age and experience.

One thing I have discovered is that once you truly do stand up to them in the ways already described, the PA bullies pretty much avoid tangling with you. You're no fun anymore, and you're actually kind of a threat to their way of life.

In addition, if anyone ever actually commits an infraction such as abusive language, etc., I would not hesitate for a second to file an report/complaint/variance, whatever your facility uses. Leave all the emotion and emotional language out of the complaint. Simply state the infraction and file the report. Refuse to engage in any follow-up with the person after he/she finds out about it.

[mclennan, BSN, RN]

Ooooh, it can be so much fun calling out passive aggressives! Seriously! My mother is the world's biggest PA; I finally found out what works to stop her, and that's to say out loud,in front of others, with a laugh, "Stop it. Do not do that again." And when she protests, tries to say that I "misunderstood" or "am playing the guilt card," no wavering. "You know exactly what I mean. Cut it out." And then move on. I have almost entirely extinguished this behavior in her because it no longer works for her. She can't use it to make herself feel bigger by making me feel smaller if I respond from a position of strength. It makes her crazy. :)

You may or may not decide that would work in your situation; you might try a different tack at work. Make a game out of it. I love the "Don't roll your eyes, my mother says they'll stay that way" thing. If you are doing this with a grin -- a real one -- in front of others, you'll get a snicker. Laughter is great, and so deflating to gasbags all full of themselves.

Never, ever miss a chance to call them on PA behavior. Do it with a genuine laugh in your heart and it will show on your face. Because it's the only thing they know how to do, you will make them crazy. Doesn't that make you smile?

Do recognize that your new-found lack of victimhood and your bemused reactions to their childish behaviors (and the increasing snickers of recognition from others) will result in an initial escalation ... and that's when you start looking for signs that they are falling over the line. Then you know you're really getting to them. Laugh! Hah!

By then you will be moving so far beyond them, and showing true leadership to others, that you will have won. Have fun with it!

Oh! This is BEAUTIFUL advice! I was born & raised in the north part of the Midwestern US and am therefore an expert at foiling passive aggressives. I wholeheartedly endorse calling them out cheerfully in front of people. Take AWAY the "passive" component and make them look publicly "aggressive," and you win. They lose! It's easier than you might think.

When I get attitude, body language or thinly veiled snark in a meeting or report, I will stop the meeting and cheerfully, with a smile, say "it seems like Linda has more to share about this, Linda, go ahead, your thoughts are valuable." Or "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I am really very curious about what Linda might think about my patient; Linda, your experience is really extensive & I'd love to hear your take." Or I'll just pull the ripcord completely and say "Lindaaaaaa!!!! Your eyes are going to roll right out of your head! My goodness! Is there something you'd like to say to the group?"

And, explore why this gets to you so much. Do you really care that much if a couple of crabby old bats don't like you? If you're doing a good job, you're on time, and help where it's needed, that's all that should matter. When people spew cliches like "just ignore them" or "let it go/slide/roll off your back," and your immediate reaction is "it's not that simple!!!!" usually means YOU'RE the one making it more complicated, because yes, it is that simple. Tease the old bats, bring them treats, laugh and continue to kick butt. It's that easy.