I need your advice on dealing with people who try to treat me like I'm stupid

[zaggar]

Hello everyone. I love nursing. I love helping people get better. I love learning new things. I want to keep doing this. But I've hit a serious mental roadblock that I can't get over. I've been nursing for 8 years, and I would like to do 30 more, but there is one personality type that - seriously - might make me quit.

I have a problem with coworkers who try to browbeat me or act like they are better than me. It seems that every floor has one or two people who seem to live for no reason other than to aggravate others, and it doesn't take them long to figure out what makes my blood boil. These people tend to get me during shift change, where I've just spent the last 12 hours trying to do the best I can, just to have them sit there (and you can see their minds working) as they try to poke holes in the job I've done, or get me to admit I don't know some detail, so they can roll their eyes at me and suggest that I'm a terrible nurse - in front of others is usually best in their eyes. They aren't trying to teach me. They aren't trying to hold the floor to a high standard. They are trying to be aggravating passive/aggressive jerks who feel better about themselves by putting others down.

These nurses often have been on the same floor too long. Now they think it's "their" floor. They think they are better than everyone else. They give everyone a hard time. And generally everyone puts up with them because these people are good at acting innocent in front of the bosses, plus they are the veterans who have been there the longest, and in general they don't want to go to war with a crazy person.

How can I deal with these people without taking it to the boss. I don't want the bosses to fix this problem for me, because it really seems like it's my problem, and coworkers like these aren't going away. Sadly, I've even left good floors because of a few bad apples, only to learn there are bad apples everywhere. I'm afraid if I don't get some good advice that works, I'll be telling them to go to hell (pant pant pant), and then I'll be the one who looks like the problem child.

If any of you have overcome this hurdle, I deeply need your advice. I'm tired of spending my days off dwelling on people who are not worth my time and peace of mind.

Thanks.

[RNperdiem, RN]

How do you feel about your nursing skills and practice? Are you reasonably confident in your skills and proud of what you do?

I ask this because the people who are easy targets for the snark have "soft spots" for the snarky nurses to prod.

The nurses who can let the nonsense roll off their backs are the confident ones with few insecurities.

As a new nurse I used to be so easily upset until I learned to be able to separate real constructive criticism from the grumbling.

[NottaSpringChik, BSN, RN]

I would like to present that your reaction to these people of thinking about them during your days off and also even considering leaving nursing because of them is a sign that your mental health may be suffering too. I say this because I have a mood disorder and one of the signs to me that I may be getting into trouble is when I find myself obsessing over grievances. You know yourself, but when this happens to me it is a problem with my mental health more than with the actions of others. I have to address it there. That said, part of balance is learning to be appropriately assertive in a timely matter so the pot doesn't boil over and cause me look like an idiot by overreacting to that last little slight that sent me over the edge. Don't let others make choices for you! I wish you luck, there are some great suggestions here. I did confront someone who was doing the sighing, rolling eyes to me by saying, "Do you have a problem Sarah ?" and was kind of laughing about her actions. I was genuinely jovial about the matter. The next night she was a different person! Maybe she went home and thought about it a little. Let them know you see what they are doing but it isn't bothering you one bit and in fact you find the immaturity of it humorous.

[BrandonLPN, LPN]

Sometimes I try to change my reaction when I can't change the actions of others. Passive aggressive nurses can be a source of amusement, rather than of a source of frustration.

For example, I love how passive aggressive people don't seem to realize when they're being PA.

I confronted a coworker once on it and her reply was: "I'm not passive aggressive.... unlike some people I know."

Sometimes you gotta just sit back and enjoy the irony.

[NurseDirtyBird]

I don't recommend the "Do you have a problem?" method. I tried that once with an EMT who was being very passive aggressive with me, and she said, "No, do you?" I said, "I dunno, do I?" Then we just gave each other the stink eye for a minute and went about our business. Didn't change anything, she pulled the same crap the next time I saw her.

[duskyjewel]

I'm tired of spending my days off dwelling on people who are not worth my time and peace of mind.

This, right here, is your problem. Why in the world are you taking them home with you? You are the one choosing to allow these people to ruin your days off. Maybe you can't stop them from making work days less pleasant, but you certainly can choose to stop letting them make your days off suck.

One tactic I've found to get myself to stop dwelling/worrying/obsessing about something, once I have determined that I'm not making progress on the issue or figuring anything out, is to firmly tell myself as many times as it takes, "Not thinking about that!" and mentally redirect myself. At first it seems like every 5 minutes, but after a while, as you learn how to consciously keep your mind where you want it to be, the gaps get bigger and you'll find your thoughts drifting on to those people less and less. This tactic works best, though, when you have something else to focus your attention on. Whether you like to read, paint, knit, garden, run, etc. just find something to occupy your attention so that you have something to redirect yourself TOWARD.

[Sunnysleeper]

Whenever they roll their eyes, STOP what you're saying and pause significantly. Then say ONLY: "Are you done?" (NO other comment!) and immediately continue with report. Do this whenever they do something passive aggressive, even if it happens over and over and over again. (Even if/when they then say "innocently": "What?!".) Do NOT engage them otherwise. Say nothing else until you resume report. Eventually they'll realize how report is dragging on and on, but don't stop your stopping. If they complain, you might reply simply "I'll stop when you do" and do not clarify further, though I think that's a problematic reply:you could be opening up a can of worms. Perhaps a better response would be "I agree. I'd LOVE to continue report uninterrupted".

YOU are in control of the situation UNTIL you start engaging with them.

Do you have a No Violence Tolerated policy at your hospital? This eye-rolling and comments might qualify as violence in MY hospital, and you could discuss it with your manager.

You could also just say "Don't roll your eyes unless/until you have a constructive and instructive comment to make. Otherwise I'll assume you couldn't do any better yourself." This calls them out Plus puts them on the spot to respond with a complaint.

I confess I think I've rolled my eyes a time or two myself and I'll tell you why and when: When I've just HAD it with the same nurse consistantly failing to do or notice an order, doesn't know something basic about the client, etc. ESPECIALLY when they are just blase about it, like they don't care. IF, however, they express any kind of regret for missing it or not getting it done or explain that they were so busy they couldn't get to it, then I'm totally "oh ok, we all have days like that. I'll take care of it." So examine yourself too, to see if you're guilty of anything. Perhaps when you're GETTING report from them (or in a non-report time), you could ask for their advice on how you could improve your report, patient care, whatever? Then you become their protege and I doubt they'll roll their eyes again.

[Bortaz, MSN, RN]

Kick 'em in the shins.

[duskyjewel]

This eye-rolling and comments might qualify as violence in MY hospital, and you could discuss it with your manager.

Oh. My. God. This kind of ridiculous PC crap is why this country is going to Hell. No matter what else it might be, eye-rolling and rude commentary is NOT VIOLENCE. Violence is physically harming other people.

When I see stuff like this, it makes me want to ask if the planet can be stopped so I can get off. I can't breathe air this thick with stupid.....

(For clarity: I am not attacking this poster or calling her stupid. I am calling the policy that would classify non-violent activities as violence, stupid. Because it is.)

[58jeli]

I like to keep an internal dialogue running to the effect of "I know all about you. You've been at every job I've ever had. But I've been picked on by some of the Best and frankly, your skills are nowhere near theirs" etc. And let my memory drift back to the various characters I've met who made my life miserable, that I now remember with fond bemusement.

[aTOMicTom]

To help you to realize that it's their problem (not yours), remember they are probably suffering from overcompensated inferiority complexes, as well as some jealousy of your relative youth.

You are already moving toward resolving this situation by posting here, and with some new strategies from all the great suggestions, so you should congratulate yourself for that!

Lastly, when my wife rolls her eyes at me, (which those of you who have read my occasionally somewhat sarcastic posts here on AN will understand is fairly often) I look up at the ceiling with an alarmed expression, as if to spot the object which she's apparently rolling her eyes to see. It's especially funny if the kids are there and they look up and try to find the bug, too... I bet this would be hilarious in a meeting if everyone saw you look up so they looked up, and that called attention to the PA person's eye roll.

Good luck!

[bungee]

One time I was giving report to an RN after a long night. She seemed more preoccupied on who was walking down the hallway, and frequently interrupting my report so she could talk to her dayshift friends about non-work activities. I could tell she was not listening to half of my report, seeming very disinterested. I told her calmly that in order for me to sleep well I would like her to listen to what I was saying. Well, about the fourth time she was gazing out down the hallway I said, "By the way, that scrub top makes you look fat!". I was waiting for an outburst, but nothing! Obviously she did not hear. After redirecting her eyes on my own (again) I asked, "Did you even hear what I just said to you?" She replied, "Yeah, of course". Then my reply was, "No you didn't! You would have slapped me if you heard what I said!". "What did you say?". My reply was, "Well, next time you should listen and you might find out!"

Never had a problem since!

[anotherone, BSN, RN]

a couple of solutions. Don't give them anything to talk about. Know and do everything. .Do the same thing to them. Ignore it.