I admit it. Nursing is not at all what I thought. I have never been so unhappy. I've been doing bedside for 10 months and have sunk deeper into depression than I ever thought possible. I have been looking for another job but no one will hire me for anything but bedside without a BSN (I was planning to get a BSN until I actually started nursing and realized I hate it.) It isn't just this job. I started to feel this way during school, during clinicals but everyone told me it would be different when I graduated and got a job. I thought I was a compassionate person but have found out that I am not. I started out going into patient rooms with a sincere smile. Now I force myself to smile and be pleasant, trying just to focus on the task for fear I will start to cry.
I am selfish and unhappy no matter what I do. I took a job on an ortho floor but resented the patients who constantly told me to warm up their sandwich and get them a Sprite. I would get them pudding and more ketchup packets and help them to the bathroom but my back and knees were constantly in pain and I felt like I was ruining my health caring for other people who aren't always appreciative. So I changed jobs and started working with more critical patients, most of whom are terminal. And now I am always crying because the death and suffering is overwhelming. It is too heartbreaking to hear the cries of family members. I know it's selfish but I can't handle it anymore.
I hate the hours. I never see my family or friends. I have to work rotating shifts and take pills to sleep and drink caffiene to stay awake. I envy the patients sleeping in their beds. I have never been so exhausted in my life. I have no social life. On my days off, I lay in bed all day, too tired to move and wish that I was doing anything but nursing.
I thought I would make close friends but the nurses have not been welcoming and they often talk smack about each other as soon as someone leaves the room.
I'm sorry to be so negative. I know I sound horrible and awful and many of you will say good riddance because I'm not the person who should be a nurse. It seems so many of you are so selfless and caring and I am in awe but I guess I am not that person. I know I need to talk to someone. I have an appointment with EAP next week. Thanks for letting me vent.
So sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. I'm glad you're going to speak with someone through your EAP and hope it will help, whether you decide to leave nursing altogether or not.
I also wanted to comment on your concern about not being "selfless and caring" and not being that person, and "not the person who should be a nurse." I just wanted to remind you not to measure *your* experience against others' (real or perceived) experiences. Not everyone feels a calling to be a nurse or martyrs themselves on the altar of nursing (no offense intended for those who feel they were 'called'). To me, nursing is my job, it is not who I am. I am content in my current role right now, but would not hesitate for even a moment to explore other areas of nursing if it became a burden or felt like a toxic element in my life. I routinely scroll through the "Specialties" section here on AN to consider what other options are out there and think about if it may or may not be something I'd like to explore further in the future.
You are not a bad person because you don't like your job. Consider looking into nursing jobs that are more conducive to routine and normality for your personal life - there are jobs to be had that are more M-F 9-5ish. There are jobs to be had that do not involve direct patient care. Take some time to think about what brings you happiness in life and see if you can find a way to build on your nursing education and experience to incorporate it into a job that combines both. Best wishes to you.
Im sorry . I know it sucks to have gone through all the crap in school, just to graduate and realize that the job is even more crap. ( Id rather use a different word than crap, but I'm sure its illegal)
Its incredibly disappointing. Then when you try something else which ends up even more disappointing, you sink further.
Is there any other options, like going back to school in a completely different field. Maybe you are young, and still have time. The money you would have blown getting that BSN (that your employer would have said you needed eventually anyway) would justify paying for a new degree.
I wish you well. I totally understand, and no, you're not being selfish. You're being realistic.
Get out of your current job and find some temporary work as a private duty nurse. That's what I did, and the flexibility is wonderful. You can choose your schedule, the patients you work with, and the areas you work in. With your past experience, I bet you can get hired at a decent home health company
if you need a full time job with insurance, private duty nursing doesn't always offer that (in my company, we're not guaranteed 40 hours a week because patients can cancel shifts at the last minute). But at least you should consider this because it can give you some time to breathe. I might get paid a little less than a hospital job, but I've been able to travel, take classes and see my friends. It was a fantastic way to get over a horrible job experience.
Look for a place that can give you a good schedule, say only weekend days (they won't say no to you if you offer to work weekends or nights). Then use uoir freetime to get some counseling, take yoga. Reconnect with family or contact a community center that offers job counseling services.
It is hard to make friends when others don't have the same work ethic as you and caring for other people who are demanding. Running up and down the halls, and over 40 patients to give meds to, they also want things picked up off the floor, wanting extra mayonnaise and that 'Sprite' also, (in addition to admin hounding you 'to answer the call light').
Be gratefull for now. Some people don't have a job. Is there anyway you can do home health until you get something you like? I believe the workload is less.
I agree with others to seek out therapy and see your Dr, maybe an antidepressant would help. You are not alone in your struggles and feelings, they are actually quite common in nurses both new and old. Be kind to yourself. I found my niche in cardiac nursing, others do clinic or PACU or GI lab or home health. You can still find your way and it is possible to be happy either in nursing or something else. Look for a job with more regular hours, probably day shift. I found PM shift the most isolating and like my 12 hr nights, but I don't think I would like working 8 hr nocs 5 days a week. Nights can be more relaxed and calmer and I've always felt there was more camaraderie and a live and let live atmosphere than on other shifts, but that is if you can sleep ok. Not everyone can function and get adequate sleep on nights.
It's ok to not like nursing and it doesn't mean that you are selfish. I think people go into nursing with the idea that they can help people or make a difference...and every now and then that actually happens. But a lot of your day revolves around bringing more mustard packets, or this water is too cold, or this water is too warm, or do you guys serve steak here?
There are many avenues to nursing though and there may be something down your alley yet. But if not it's not the end of the world. You might discover a different career path that is a better fit. I wish you the best of luck!
This is why I often advise people to not go into this if they are unhappy in clinical and school. Your life is way too short too live it the way you have been. Because you haven't really been living at all.
I also tell people not to let their job define who they are. If you decide to leave nursing, it doesn't make you less of a person. It does not make you selfish. It should not affect who you are. Your job is one of many hats you wear during the week. And, you can still be a compassionate person without being a nurse.
I am so sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you can find some resolution and feel better about yourself. It really stinks you feel so depressed right now. Take care of yourself.
You have received a lot of great advice. I want to add that there are some jobs out there where the nurses do get along. I suspect they are hard to find. I say this because when I worked as a CNA, I was in the worst place possible and it was all nursing staff (CNA, LPN and RN) that was doing it. I hated the jobs and their not having a nurse position when I received my license was a blessing. I now work in a facility where there is far less drama and such. I actually love my job and going to work now.
The others have fantastic advice and glad to hear your getting some help.
Just wanted to encourage you that their are other areas of " nursing" that may suit you! There have been some great suggestions.
I had some cosmetic/plastic work done recently and was chating with my surgeons nurse. She said although she doesn't make a fortune , her hours are like 8-4 (normal business hours) , no weekends, holidays off, no call bells, no heavy lifting and best of all people come wanting to be there and end up leaving with a smile. Obviously, im talking about an in office nurse and not an OR nurse. But just a thought if you want to see some lives changed in a typically positive way and be minimally invasive with patients with a set schedule.
vanilla bean
861 Posts
So sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. I'm glad you're going to speak with someone through your EAP and hope it will help, whether you decide to leave nursing altogether or not.
I also wanted to comment on your concern about not being "selfless and caring" and not being that person, and "not the person who should be a nurse." I just wanted to remind you not to measure *your* experience against others' (real or perceived) experiences. Not everyone feels a calling to be a nurse or martyrs themselves on the altar of nursing (no offense intended for those who feel they were 'called'). To me, nursing is my job, it is not who I am. I am content in my current role right now, but would not hesitate for even a moment to explore other areas of nursing if it became a burden or felt like a toxic element in my life. I routinely scroll through the "Specialties" section here on AN to consider what other options are out there and think about if it may or may not be something I'd like to explore further in the future.
You are not a bad person because you don't like your job. Consider looking into nursing jobs that are more conducive to routine and normality for your personal life - there are jobs to be had that are more M-F 9-5ish. There are jobs to be had that do not involve direct patient care. Take some time to think about what brings you happiness in life and see if you can find a way to build on your nursing education and experience to incorporate it into a job that combines both. Best wishes to you.