I was happy once. Then I became a nurse

[ebart03]

I admit it. Nursing is not at all what I thought. I have never been so unhappy. I've been doing bedside for 10 months and have sunk deeper into depression than I ever thought possible. I have been looking for another job but no one will hire me for anything but bedside without a BSN (I was planning to get a BSN until I actually started nursing and realized I hate it.) It isn't just this job. I started to feel this way during school, during clinicals but everyone told me it would be different when I graduated and got a job. I thought I was a compassionate person but have found out that I am not. I started out going into patient rooms with a sincere smile. Now I force myself to smile and be pleasant, trying just to focus on the task for fear I will start to cry.

I am selfish and unhappy no matter what I do. I took a job on an ortho floor but resented the patients who constantly told me to warm up their sandwich and get them a Sprite. I would get them pudding and more ketchup packets and help them to the bathroom but my back and knees were constantly in pain and I felt like I was ruining my health caring for other people who aren't always appreciative. So I changed jobs and started working with more critical patients, most of whom are terminal. And now I am always crying because the death and suffering is overwhelming. It is too heartbreaking to hear the cries of family members. I know it's selfish but I can't handle it anymore.

I hate the hours. I never see my family or friends. I have to work rotating shifts and take pills to sleep and drink caffiene to stay awake. I envy the patients sleeping in their beds. I have never been so exhausted in my life. I have no social life. On my days off, I lay in bed all day, too tired to move and wish that I was doing anything but nursing.

I thought I would make close friends but the nurses have not been welcoming and they often talk smack about each other as soon as someone leaves the room.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I know I sound horrible and awful and many of you will say good riddance because I'm not the person who should be a nurse. It seems so many of you are so selfless and caring and I am in awe but I guess I am not that person. I know I need to talk to someone. I have an appointment with EAP next week. Thanks for letting me vent.

[.Olive.]

Thank you for your honesty!

[caliotter3]

Please get checked out by your PCP to rule out a medical condition that could be the cause of your unhappiness or greatly contributing to it. If this is not the case, or even if it is, try taking a very good vacation before trying to make the decision to stay with, or leave, nursing. Should you decide to leave nursing, keep your license in an inactive status just in case. Best wishes.

[Shagce1]

I don't have any words of advice for you. I think you have done the right first step and venting here that there is a problem. Hugs to you from someone who has gone through similar problems.

[Everline]

I, too, was happy once...and then I went to nursing school and became a bedside nurse. I am six months in and so sad. My heart is pretty much broken. I have learned things about myself that I don't like very much. So, I can relate. I wish I could offer something uplifting. But all I can say is you are not alone. And I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

WOW! I have read the whiney, entitled, selfish, totally clueless I hate nursing rants but this is not one of them.

I get that you have really tried and been patient with yourself without being a martyr. I even get the sense of humor you injected into the title of this post. Most of all I applaud your self awareness and efforts at self care with a vent and appointment with EAP.

Nursing may not be for you. Let's make that OK from the get-go. Why do you think you felt pressured to stick with Nursing when it was dawning on you this might not be your thing? Is that pressure still there? If you weren't in Nursing what do you think you would like to do?

There are many different areas of Nursing but you need to give yourself permission to leave Nursing altogether so you stay because you choose to. That feeling of being stuck is detrimental to any Nursing job and will be difficult to find happiness.

Take care of you. You'll be an asset when you land on your feet and put your heart into what you do.

[NanikRN]

You can't care for others if you don't care for yourself first. I'm glad you reached out and that you have an EAP appointment.

Sounds like you're really judging yourself harshly right now. Try to find a way to treat yourself gentler and more lovingly. You deserve it---❤️

[SarahJ08]

I agree, the only plus is I have amazing coworkers that make the job bearable.

[KatieMI, BSN, MSN, RN]

You cannot take care of others if you do not take care of yourself first.

Get to your PCP first thing after you sleep in on your first day off, tell all that and tell, directly, that you need FMLA now.

Then take as much free time as you can and think about it all when you feel better. Consider money as a secondary thing for now. You cannot buy family, friends or health.

There are less stressful parts of nursing, and less stressful jobs where your knowledge will be an asset. Your school's alumni office may have some resources. If you only have ADN, you can, with time and opportunity, make non-nursing or "around nursing" degree out of it (BS/healthcare IT/coding programs are loaded with burned out ADNs, for only one example). But for right now, your health comes first, everything else second.

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

Get to your PCP first thing after you sleep in on your first day off, tell all that and tell, directly, that you need FMLA now.

Then take as much free time as you can and think about it all when you feel better. Consider money as a secondary thing for now. You cannot buy family, friends or health.

The only problem with FMLA is that as OP only has 10 months experience, it would not be likely that she has been employed long enough to qualify for FMLA (12 months and 1,250 hours) unless she worked at the facility in a different position. OP will need to consider money as of lesser importance as in order to take time off beyond a vacation, she may not have a job to come back to. That would be another thing to consider.

[Psychcns]

Psychotherapy to sort things out. StaRt with EAP and suggestions above. Best wishes!

[RNKPCE]

So glad you are going to EAP but also see your primary doctor as others have said.