I admit it. Nursing is not at all what I thought. I have never been so unhappy. I've been doing bedside for 10 months and have sunk deeper into depression than I ever thought possible. I have been looking for another job but no one will hire me for anything but bedside without a BSN (I was planning to get a BSN until I actually started nursing and realized I hate it.) It isn't just this job. I started to feel this way during school, during clinicals but everyone told me it would be different when I graduated and got a job. I thought I was a compassionate person but have found out that I am not. I started out going into patient rooms with a sincere smile. Now I force myself to smile and be pleasant, trying just to focus on the task for fear I will start to cry.
I am selfish and unhappy no matter what I do. I took a job on an ortho floor but resented the patients who constantly told me to warm up their sandwich and get them a Sprite. I would get them pudding and more ketchup packets and help them to the bathroom but my back and knees were constantly in pain and I felt like I was ruining my health caring for other people who aren't always appreciative. So I changed jobs and started working with more critical patients, most of whom are terminal. And now I am always crying because the death and suffering is overwhelming. It is too heartbreaking to hear the cries of family members. I know it's selfish but I can't handle it anymore.
I hate the hours. I never see my family or friends. I have to work rotating shifts and take pills to sleep and drink caffiene to stay awake. I envy the patients sleeping in their beds. I have never been so exhausted in my life. I have no social life. On my days off, I lay in bed all day, too tired to move and wish that I was doing anything but nursing.
I thought I would make close friends but the nurses have not been welcoming and they often talk smack about each other as soon as someone leaves the room.
I'm sorry to be so negative. I know I sound horrible and awful and many of you will say good riddance because I'm not the person who should be a nurse. It seems so many of you are so selfless and caring and I am in awe but I guess I am not that person. I know I need to talk to someone. I have an appointment with EAP next week. Thanks for letting me vent.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I admit it. Nursing is not at all what I thought. I have never been so unhappy. I've been doing bedside for 10 months and have sunk deeper into depression than I ever thought possible. I have been looking for another job but no one will hire me for anything but bedside without a BSN (I was planning to get a BSN until I actually started nursing and realized I hate it.) It isn't just this job. I started to feel this way during school, during clinicals but everyone told me it would be different when I graduated and got a job. I thought I was a compassionate person but have found out that I am not. I started out going into patient rooms with a sincere smile. Now I force myself to smile and be pleasant, trying just to focus on the task for fear I will start to cry.
I am selfish and unhappy no matter what I do. I took a job on an ortho floor but resented the patients who constantly told me to warm up their sandwich and get them a Sprite. I would get them pudding and more ketchup packets and help them to the bathroom but my back and knees were constantly in pain and I felt like I was ruining my health caring for other people who aren't always appreciative. So I changed jobs and started working with more critical patients, most of whom are terminal. And now I am always crying because the death and suffering is overwhelming. It is too heartbreaking to hear the cries of family members. I know it's selfish but I can't handle it anymore.
I hate the hours. I never see my family or friends. I have to work rotating shifts and take pills to sleep and drink caffiene to stay awake. I envy the patients sleeping in their beds. I have never been so exhausted in my life. I have no social life. On my days off, I lay in bed all day, too tired to move and wish that I was doing anything but nursing.
I thought I would make close friends but the nurses have not been welcoming and they often talk smack about each other as soon as someone leaves the room.
I'm sorry to be so negative. I know I sound horrible and awful and many of you will say good riddance because I'm not the person who should be a nurse. It seems so many of you are so selfless and caring and I am in awe but I guess I am not that person. I know I need to talk to someone. I have an appointment with EAP next week. Thanks for letting me vent.
A lot of this sounds like new nurse angst. The first year of nursing is miserable. Those who change jobs during the first year just compound their difficulties because instead of becoming competent in the first job, they have to learn a new job.
Most of us -- at least those of us who are honest enough to admit it -- aren't really "selfless and caring." Some of us are downright human. Read a few of the vent threads on this forum -- not the ones written by newbies like yourself but the ones written by crusty old bats.
We've all been through that first year, hated it, and survived to tell the tale. We learned, we became competent, some of us excelled. Happiness isn't in the perfect job, the perfect social life, the perfect family, the perfect anything. Happiness comes not from having what you want, but from wanting what you have. I hope your appointment with EAP went well and that you've come away with some new coping strategies.
I'm still there. I did get put on amitriptyline HS which is making a fantastic difference in my ability to sleep. The side effects are awful though. My mouth is a desert!
But I'm still having really hard days and feeling incredibly stressed even when I'm off work. I've developed pretty bad HTN in the last couple months. I just dread work so much. I still regret becoming a nurse and am looking for another position even if it pays less. My health is not worth the extra money. But thank you for all the helpful advice! :)
I'm still there. I did get put on amitriptyline HS which is making a fantastic difference in my ability to sleep. The side effects are awful though. My mouth is a desert!
But I'm still having really hard days and feeling incredibly stressed even when I'm off work. I've developed pretty bad HTN in the last couple months. I just dread work so much. I still regret becoming a nurse and am looking for another position even if it pays less. My health is not worth the extra money. But thank you for all the helpful advice! :)
Thanks for the update OP! I hope you find something soon that is your able to handle more! I am a new grad looking for something more my fit too. I have enough health problems before starting work I'd rather not make it worse! What kind of nursing positions have you searched before? I'm sure you'll be able to get something since you already have experience though. :)
I'm finally confident and at a job I feel valued! My advice is to enjoy....really relax and enjoy your days off. The night shift is hard on health as well. Try post partum it is generally well patients and we'll babies. They are generally happy.
Ruby Vee, BSN
17 Articles; 14,051 Posts
A lot of this sounds like new nurse angst. The first year of nursing is miserable. Those who change jobs during the first year just compound their difficulties because instead of becoming competent in the first job, they have to learn a new job.
Most of us -- at least those of us who are honest enough to admit it -- aren't really "selfless and caring." Some of us are downright human. Read a few of the vent threads on this forum -- not the ones written by newbies like yourself but the ones written by crusty old bats.
We've all been through that first year, hated it, and survived to tell the tale. We learned, we became competent, some of us excelled. Happiness isn't in the perfect job, the perfect social life, the perfect family, the perfect anything. Happiness comes not from having what you want, but from wanting what you have. I hope your appointment with EAP went well and that you've come away with some new coping strategies.