Just wanted to post this somewhere to rant... because I can't mention this to any coworkers...
The other day, we had a resource tech/aid on our floor, who was African american with a unique name. And while we were all sitting around the nurses station talking, I said to her "Did your momma name you xxxxxxxx", in which she replied "No my grandma did" -- the only reason I asked this question was because I was curious if the name was a birth name or nick name.
About half an hour later, she told me that she thought what I said was rude to her. She walked away and I followed a minute later and apologized (for what? I don't know, still did anyways)
Today, I found out she reported me to HR for this incident. I don't know whether I should be worried or not because I almost find this ridiculous... and at the same time, if she's playing the racist card and HR is making the decision about it, not my unit director... I could be long gone already?
It's sad that you can offend someone so easily over something so small or innocent. I'm genuinely the kindest person, always helping out and trying to make people laugh! I said this in a total non-malicious way and everyone around us was aware of that. I'm almost angry at the fact she went to HR because there is no way in heck she actually thinks I was trying to be mean!
Should I be worried? Do you find what I said completely inappropriate?It's sad that the lesson I learned is you can't talk to people you don't know I guess. I really enjoy working on my unit... I get along with all the staff so well. I'm just at loss for words right now.
Full disclosure: I'm not impressed with Sharpton. He's a not very thoughtful opportunist, in my view. But ... Why is attempting to articulate certain realities of Black folks' experience "race baiting"?
This is actually a prime example of what I'm talking about - as white people, we get to deny painful realities and live as if those realities don't exist, while others bear the consequences of our ignorance. Anyone who breaks that rule is disciplined.
Did you happen to look up "ritual defamation"? I really recommend it.
I don't get how anyone can think white priviledge doesn't exist. I guess one would also believe that attractive and lean priviledge doesn't exist either?
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Full disclosure: I'm not impressed with Sharpton. He's a not very thoughtful opportunist, in my view. But ... Why is attempting to articulate certain realities of Black folks' experience "race baiting"?
This is actually a prime example of what I'm talking about - as white people, we get to deny painful realities and live as if those realities don't exist, while others bear the consequences of our ignorance. Anyone who breaks that rule is disciplined.
Did you happen to look up "ritual defamation"? I really recommend it.
No, it's an example of people who decline to be righteous overmuch in their dealings with people of color.
No, it's an example of people who decline to be righteous overmuch in their dealings with people of color.
Agree. I refuse to be so patronizing and condescending as to go around viewing my colleagues of color as constant victims. I think they'd be damn offended by that, because they're proud of working hard to achieve all they have, just like the rest of us. But even the ones who have faced great hardship have made it very clear that they do not want to be measured by that stick. They expect, and have the right, to be treated according their merits and as equals among colleagues.
PS my life contains plenty of proofs of God's existence. Being white never helped my family with anything. In fact, thanks to political climates, it's held us back in multiple cases. Ironic, because just two or three generations before us, our ancestors faced Irish Need Not Apply and being equal to or lower than blacks on now-illegal real estate preference lists.
I counter that anecdotal evidence with my family has.
Personally I've never faced a societal obstacle. I don't come from money or an affluent background, my parents were under educated and blue collar yet doors have always been open with practically an invitation.
I believe it's true that skinny and white has its advantages. Disagree?
I have a "crazy", complicated Nigerian last name and middle name. Fortunately, my first name is SIMPLE (though people still manage to mess it up more often than they should). My last name has been butchered, and I typically refuse to tell people my middle name to protect it from being torn to pieces, lol.
I get tired of people constantly asking me "Interesting last name... where are you from?" to which I answer something along the lines of, "Texas. Born and raised. But, last name originates from Nigeria, if that is what you meant."
Do I get offended? Absolutely not. I seriously doubt most people mean something bad. Most people are genuinely curious. Do I get annoyed? YES. And then I get over it in about 5 minutes.
However, that's me. Everyone is different. Some people are more sensitive. You don't know what's going on in people's minds. I can see how the OP sincerely didn't mean it in a bad way (definitely should have reworded it differently though), but I can also easily see how the other person did take it as an offense.
And while I'm not a nurse, I have worked in the military and retail. I would have never reported someone to HR for that. I would have laughed it off or came up with a witty come back. Not report... I like to remain civil and comfortable with my coworkers.
If I was offended, I would rather bring the topic up to them in a regular conversation. I've never had an issue talking things over with people.
Who is responsible for doing that emotional work - the one who got hurt or the one who did the hurting, albeit unintentionally?
To answer your question, I think both parties bear some of the responsibility. There are any number of examples I can give here that have racial or ethnic context. There are some that have supervisor vs. subordinate context...male female...etc. but my point is that I think we all have a responsibility to 1) give a good-faith effort to being sensitive and compassionate to others and 2) give others the benefit of the doubt that they aren't being hateful and malicious, as opposed to clumsy or ignorant or careless.
As far as the "emotional work" after the fact...well, I can tell you from very recent personal experience that that work can't be done by the offender on the offended's behalf. The offended individual has to make a decision about how she will process and deal with it now that it's water under the bridge. In my case, after I dried my angry tears, I went back and asked the offender if she really meant to be so insensitive and insulting with her statement, given what she knew of my present circumstances. She apologized and conceded that she didn't mean it at all the way it sounded. I choose to believe her and I choose to forgive her.
And then I get over it in about 5 minutes.
heron, ASN, RN
4,661 Posts
Full disclosure: I'm not impressed with Sharpton. He's a not very thoughtful opportunist, in my view. But ... Why is attempting to articulate certain realities of Black folks' experience "race baiting"?
This is actually a prime example of what I'm talking about - as white people, we get to deny painful realities and live as if those realities don't exist, while others bear the consequences of our ignorance. Anyone who breaks that rule is disciplined.
Did you happen to look up "ritual defamation"? I really recommend it.