Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
Suppose I was raised with the attitude that marriage is a partnership and a team mentality. Don't criticize each play, keep the end game in mind. Sometimes the wife will pull harder, other times the husband, like geese flying south, so you both get there on each other. This talk of fairness and resentment centers on the recurring theme of selfishness. Oh the root of all sin, wouldn't it be great to once not think of oneself?
I also think it's a loss of identity issue as well. Not only were promises were made and failed to fulfill, but being a nurse was HER identity. An identity she herself worked very hard for. According to her, he never showed interest until a few years ago and didn't really have the personality of someone who would become a nurse. She, in so many words, described him as career minded, ambitious, and competitive. She feels like her identity was stolen right out from under her. Having your own identity in a relationship is just as important as having things in common. You need to know where you begin and your partner ends. This is a fairly petty issue to be upset about for sure and she should probably suck it up, but sometimes venting helps people feel better. Even if you know you're being totally ridiculous.
She is still a nurse. You don't lose your "identity as a nurse" just because another person also gets their license. Her husband cannot "steal her identity". She simply loses the distinction as "the only nurse," which, again, reveals an unhealthy sense of competition between individuals who are supposed to love each other deeply. She can make her own mark on the profession in her own way-no person can stop her from doing that-only her own negative and territorial mindset could do that. She doesn't have the monopoly on an entire profession just because she is married. There are many happy marriages between couples who have embarked on similar second careers.
I will agree not all stay-at-home dads are deadbeats, but that is not the point Ruby Vee is trying to make. She's referring to the fact that the OP's spouse agreed to get a job (I'm sure any type of job would've been fine) and did not make the attempt. It is pretty crappy on his part. But I will say her mistake was letting it go on for 3 years. I understand sometimes it takes time to find a job, but if it had been me, I would've been bringing the fire after 6 months. I've never been out of work for more then 6 months without a legitimate excuse as to why. Heck, I've never been out of work for longer then 4 months. I always try to continuously be employed even if I have to stock shelves at Walmart part time until I find something better. It would be one thing if they both decided for him to stay at home on purpose, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
She, in so many words, described him as career minded, ambitious, and competitive.
If that were true, seems like he would have found a decent job even as he attended school; he most certainly could not be described ever as a "deadbeat."
To fill in some of the holes, when I went to nursing school, I was semi-newly divorced from my ex-husband with a 2 year old child to provide for, I delivered pizza part time. I put myself through nursing school, working whenever I wasn't in class, and supplementing my income with student loans. He and I lived together after some time, but we split the bills 50/50 down the middle. I paid for my child care during work and school and he sometimes would watch my son for me on Sundays so I could study. Once, he made a comment to me when I made less than him and couldn't pay as much as he could for a while, that I wasn't "pulling my weight" which is what made us decide to split everything down the middle.
We would have gotten married eventually anyway, but we got married when our daughter was a year old because he wanted to join the Navy. Before he wanted to join the Navy, he wanted to be a cop. And before that it was the Coast Guard...health care administration, law school...the list goes on. I am happy that he picked something and stuck with it...but I do feel a loss of identity - I worked very hard to get where I am at. It was not easy at all for me. I don't have to be the ONLY nurse in the family and we don't have to "compete" but I'm still left with this unsettling feeling that I can't quite pinpoint.
I didnt realize just how much I don't know about nursing until he took this job. I don't think I was really bent out of shape about his career choice until seeing just how much I missed out on these past years. Until then, I felt confident in my nursing abilities, I am a really good home care nurse. I'm confident in home care, but feel that my knowledge base from work experience is lacking in the areas that would appealing to other areas of nursing. Hearing all of the knowledge I COULD have had all these years, is frustrating to me - especially given all of the events that led up to us being in this position.
I have had many conversations with him over those years that he was not working about how I need him to go get a job. He's seen and heard my tears from stress over money and having to work ALL the time, missing out on all of my daughters milestones and feeling like a piggy bank. And every time we have had a heart to heart over it, he has said "I'll go get a job." But nothing ever comes of it. He knows exactly what my issues are with the situation and tells me "it won't be this way forever." Certainly some counseling would be beneficial, I do agree.
While he has been home, he does take care of the house, keeping the dishes washed and lawn cut, laundry washed...but by no means is the house "spic n span" nor is he spending his days arranging play dates and peds well visits. I still do all of the well visits, and sick visits and pay the bills and all that good stuff.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
To fill in some of the holes, when I went to nursing school, I was semi-newly divorced from my ex-husband with a 2 year old child to provide for, I delivered pizza part time. I put myself through nursing school, working whenever I wasn't in class, and supplementing my income with student loans. He and I lived together after some time, but we split the bills 50/50 down the middle. I paid for my child care during work and school and he sometimes would watch my son for me on Sundays so I could study. Once, he made a comment to me when I made less than him and couldn't pay as much as he could for a while, that I wasn't "pulling my weight" which is what made us decide to split everything down the middle.
We would have gotten married eventually anyway, but we got married when our daughter was a year old because he wanted to join the Navy. Before he wanted to join the Navy, he wanted to be a cop. And before that it was the Coast Guard...health care administration, law school...the list goes on. I am happy that he picked something and stuck with it...but I do feel a loss of identity - I worked very hard to get where I am at. It was not easy at all for me. I don't have to be the ONLY nurse in the family and we don't have to "compete" but I'm still left with this unsettling feeling that I can't quite pinpoint.
I didnt realize just how much I don't know about nursing until he took this job. I don't think I was really bent out of shape about his career choice until seeing just how much I missed out on these past years. Until then, I felt confident in my nursing abilities, I am a really good home care nurse. I'm confident in home care, but feel that my knowledge base from work experience is lacking in the areas that would appealing to other areas of nursing. Hearing all of the knowledge I COULD have had all these years, is frustrating to me - especially given all of the events that led up to us being in this position.
I have had many conversations with him over those years that he was not working about how I need him to go get a job. He's seen and heard my tears from stress over money and having to work ALL the time, missing out on all of my daughters milestones and feeling like a piggy bank. And every time we have had a heart to heart over it, he has said "I'll go get a job." But nothing ever comes of it. He knows exactly what my issues are with the situation and tells me "it won't be this way forever." Certainly some counseling would be beneficial, I do agree.
While he has been home, he does take care of the house, keeping the dishes washed and lawn cut, laundry washed...but by no means is the house "spic n span" nor is he spending his days arranging play dates and peds well visits. I still do all of the well visits, and sick visits and pay the bills and all that good stuff.
Counseling will indeed be beneficial. If he won't go, go by yourself.
This is the reason men have, for the majority of the civilized age, had higher suicide rates than women. These are the problems you put up with when you are the sole bread winner for your family. Whether or not your spouse has said that the will get a job, the pressure is still on you to make it until they can.
Your feelings are validated. You said yourself your husband has been taking care of the house and kids "for the most part". Who's house is spic and span without a maid? Any time I see couples that "split bills" I find it hard to believe they don't have deeper problems. If you can't trust your spouse enough to have a joint bank account then you need some counseling for something.
Overarching theme I get from this is lack of communication and enabling. On parts of all parties. Yes, getting laid off sucks, it's happened to me and my wife provided for our family. Then we switched and have done so on multiple occasions. Lack of trust and communication lead to blow-outs.
I sincerely hope you find time to get counseling, take time for yourself and figure out where you want to be going with your life and family.
I know OP isn't here, but I just have to say I don't see going to school as a reason not to work. I worked during nursing school. I am in school now - full time, hard sciences biology degree, and I have both a full time and a PRN job and I am making all of that work. I am taking graduate level classes as well as organic chemistry - all of which I am finding a lot more difficult than anything I did in nursing school. I am still making all As (so far) while working a full time and a PRN job. Is it difficult to work full time, PRN, and go to school full time all at the same time? Sure. Is it impossible? No way.
Maybe I'm just harsh, but anyone who acts like going to school takes up their whole lives and there is no way they can work at all to help out the working spouse is at least a little lazy and/or selfish. The only excuse for not working at all while going to school would possibly be having a documented severe learning disability, and I even find that debatable. I don't care what the gender of the non-working spouse is - if the other person is struggling to provide for the whole family alone, it's just basic human decency to work at least a few hours a week to help out.
To fill in some of the holes, when I went to nursing school, I was semi-newly divorced from my ex-husband with a 2 year old child to provide for, I delivered pizza part time. I put myself through nursing school, working whenever I wasn't in class, and supplementing my income with student loans. He and I lived together after some time, but we split the bills 50/50 down the middle. I paid for my child care during work and school and he sometimes would watch my son for me on Sundays so I could study. Once, he made a comment to me when I made less than him and couldn't pay as much as he could for a while, that I wasn't "pulling my weight" which is what made us decide to split everything down the middle.
We would have gotten married eventually anyway, but we got married when our daughter was a year old because he wanted to join the Navy. Before he wanted to join the Navy, he wanted to be a cop. And before that it was the Coast Guard...health care administration, law school...the list goes on. I am happy that he picked something and stuck with it...but I do feel a loss of identity - I worked very hard to get where I am at. It was not easy at all for me. I don't have to be the ONLY nurse in the family and we don't have to "compete" but I'm still left with this unsettling feeling that I can't quite pinpoint.
I didnt realize just how much I don't know about nursing until he took this job. I don't think I was really bent out of shape about his career choice until seeing just how much I missed out on these past years. Until then, I felt confident in my nursing abilities, I am a really good home care nurse. I'm confident in home care, but feel that my knowledge base from work experience is lacking in the areas that would appealing to other areas of nursing. Hearing all of the knowledge I COULD have had all these years, is frustrating to me - especially given all of the events that led up to us being in this position.
I have had many conversations with him over those years that he was not working about how I need him to go get a job. He's seen and heard my tears from stress over money and having to work ALL the time, missing out on all of my daughters milestones and feeling like a piggy bank. And every time we have had a heart to heart over it, he has said "I'll go get a job." But nothing ever comes of it. He knows exactly what my issues are with the situation and tells me "it won't be this way forever." Certainly some counseling would be beneficial, I do agree.
While he has been home, he does take care of the house, keeping the dishes washed and lawn cut, laundry washed...but by no means is the house "spic n span" nor is he spending his days arranging play dates and peds well visits. I still do all of the well visits, and sick visits and pay the bills and all that good stuff.
Ahh!! Now this makes more sense for the resentment! I would be as well. When I read the initial post I was ready to point out that we women can be guilty of calling men that stay home deadbeats but being supportive of stay at home moms. However this obviously was not the case. Well there are definitely some relationship issues that need to be hashed out, OP. A good supportive man would realize that expecting someone to take care of kids while going to school full time and holding down a job is a bit much.
In regards to feeling like you are behind him in your career don't feel that way. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from getting a job in an acute care setting. Further, as an ER nurse myself I'll come out and say that the shortage is so bad in some ERs they'll hire you as long as you have a license and a pulse...pulse optional! Plus I know the general sentiment is we could use a few more males as some of these out of control drunks, druggies, and psych patients can be very big and very dangerous so no I am not surprised he already has an offer.
My personal advice: turn the financial burden you've been facing into a beautiful lesson on how to manage with very little. Let him firmly know where you stand on helping around the house and if he stills seems to be selfish and unsupportive, use the fact that you learned to survive with less to your advantage. If all he does is agree to go back to a 50/50 split then take that money you were using to support him and save it as your rainy day fund. You'll be glad you did.
To fill in some of the holes, when I went to nursing school, I was semi-newly divorced from my ex-husband with a 2 year old child to provide for, I delivered pizza part time. I put myself through nursing school, working whenever I wasn't in class, and supplementing my income with student loans. He and I lived together after some time, but we split the bills 50/50 down the middle. I paid for my child care during work and school and he sometimes would watch my son for me on Sundays so I could study. Once, he made a comment to me when I made less than him and couldn't pay as much as he could for a while, that I wasn't "pulling my weight" which is what made us decide to split everything down the middle.
We would have gotten married eventually anyway, but we got married when our daughter was a year old because he wanted to join the Navy. Before he wanted to join the Navy, he wanted to be a cop. And before that it was the Coast Guard...health care administration, law school...the list goes on. I am happy that he picked something and stuck with it...but I do feel a loss of identity - I worked very hard to get where I am at. It was not easy at all for me. I don't have to be the ONLY nurse in the family and we don't have to "compete" but I'm still left with this unsettling feeling that I can't quite pinpoint.
I didnt realize just how much I don't know about nursing until he took this job. I don't think I was really bent out of shape about his career choice until seeing just how much I missed out on these past years. Until then, I felt confident in my nursing abilities, I am a really good home care nurse. I'm confident in home care, but feel that my knowledge base from work experience is lacking in the areas that would appealing to other areas of nursing. Hearing all of the knowledge I COULD have had all these years, is frustrating to me - especially given all of the events that led up to us being in this position.
I have had many conversations with him over those years that he was not working about how I need him to go get a job. He's seen and heard my tears from stress over money and having to work ALL the time, missing out on all of my daughters milestones and feeling like a piggy bank. And every time we have had a heart to heart over it, he has said "I'll go get a job." But nothing ever comes of it. He knows exactly what my issues are with the situation and tells me "it won't be this way forever." Certainly some counseling would be beneficial, I do agree.
While he has been home, he does take care of the house, keeping the dishes washed and lawn cut, laundry washed...but by no means is the house "spic n span" nor is he spending his days arranging play dates and peds well visits. I still do all of the well visits, and sick visits and pay the bills and all that good stuff.
I believe counseling could benefit you both. And I believe you have had good reason for resentment, but it must be resolved if you are to move forward in a loving relationship.
All that said, the "loss of identity" is your problem to handle and can't be blamed on your husband. If ED is where your interest lies, put your foot down and insist that you have your turn to focus on education to improve your marketability. But make sure you're not romanticizing it simply because it "seems" exciting or because it's something your husband fell into. There is nothing magical about ED. Read the threads here-it can be just as crappy as any other unit. If you've always liked peds, look for opportunities to transition. Maybe you'd like to go back to school to get an advanced practice degree. Wherever your interests lie, it's not too late to chase the dream. Don't use your husband as a scapegoat; get out there and go for what you want.
Until then, I felt confident in my nursing abilities, I am a really good home care nurse. I'm confident in home care, but feel that my knowledge base from work experience is lacking in the areas that would appealing to other areas of nursing.
And a good cardiac nurse doesn't know diddly about L & D. With a background in ICU and 2 patients, I'd be COMPLETELY incompetent on a floor where taking care of 8 patients is the norm! There is NO SHAME in being a good home health nurse. You have become an expert at functioning independently without having everything and everyone at your fingertips. A staff nurse with tons of ancillary support would be FLOUNDERING in that kind of environment, where autonomy and ability to problem solve yourself are key. Quit discounting your experience and abilities. Those will be terrific assets to take with you as you learn a new field.
And again, NO ONE can prevent you from advancing in your field but you. Despite your feeling that you've been stagnating and it's your husband's fault, that's in the past. It is absolutely NOT too late to turn things around. What your husband decides to do with his license has nothing to do with it.
I'm not sure that asking the husband to comment on the OP's vent thread would be doing a service to their marriage.
Good point, nor the original post to begin with. It's too late for me. I'm sucked in to this black hole! :)
Yes, probably a good point.
It is just hard to make any kind of real constructive comments when you only hear one side of the story.
I am sorry that the OP thinks she has "lost her identity". I worked ER, L&D, and acute care before deciding I wanted to work less and do something that would enable me to be available to my kids and husband. I work hospice now and have for 9 years. It certainly isn't as fast-paced as ER or L&D but I still feel valuable as a nurse when I'm invited into homes to help with end-of-life decisions. It is a privilege.
All nursing is important. I hope the OP finds her niche and I hope she and her husband go to counseling and save their marriage. The kids need an intact family.
Now that the OP has clarified and filled in some holes... I now believe it's not so much of a competition, but more of a bit of jealousy. I'm sure she's happy for her husband, but I think she wishes she had the same or a similar opportunity. Especially since she's done home health for so long and feels a bit of longing for a new adventure in her career. That compounded with her marital problems... it kind of seems like she resents her husband for his accomplishment and she might a little bit, but I think the resentment lies more in the 3 years he was unemployed before nursing school. This is an issue that should be worked out in counseling. Yes, he has a great job now, but I think she still feels a little frustrated about that time. A lot of promises were made and she had to struggle for a long time without much financial help. I think him acknowledging her feelings and apologizing would mean the world to her. On top of that, they need to learn good communication habits. Their marriage will benefit greatly from it! She needs to stop suffering in silence and speak up when things bother her! With that said... like I said before... go back to school! Apply for a new job! If you need a change of pace, then figure it out! You certainly have the financial means now to cover the bills while you figure it out!
Plus I know the general sentiment is we could use a few more males as some of these out of control drunks, druggies, and psych patients can be very big and very dangerous so no I am not surprised he already has an offer. 
MrNurse(x2), ADN
2,558 Posts
Suppose I was raised with the attitude that marriage is a partnership and a team mentality. Don't criticize each play, keep the end game in mind. Sometimes the wife will pull harder, other times the husband, like geese flying south, so you both get there on each other. This talk of fairness and resentment centers on the recurring theme of selfishness. Oh the root of all sin, wouldn't it be great to once not think of oneself?