Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
Stay-at-home dads are not "deadbeat dads". Their role in the family is not any less than a mom that does the same.
Which is exactly why I'd be interested in his story. The original post is one-sided and full of holes. I'm willing to bet there are several missing details. It comes across as bait.
My wife and I went to nursing school together. I worked full-time for the family. She stayed home and cared for the kids, house, etc. It worked out well. We were very busy but we made it.
Specializes in Home Health, Mental/Behavioral Health.
That is a great example of offensive gender bias.
Stay-at-home dads are not "deadbeat dads". Their role in the family is not any less than a mom that does the same.
My husband was a stay-at-home dad for about 2 years after working very hard and getting laid off. But this was an understanding we had. I'll admit that he was not as "domestic" as I would have liked, but he is a wonderful dad. And I'm glad he got to spend that quality time with out kids before going back to work. If I told him I was stressed out or needed help with the cleaning or cooking, he would help, no complaints. This also didnt make him a deadbeat, IMO.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
That is a great example of offensive gender bias.
Stay-at-home dads are not "deadbeat dads". Their role in the family is not any less than a mom that does the same.
A stay at home Dad, who takes care of the children, arranges their pediatrician visits (and takes them to said visits), arranges their play dates, looks after the home, arranges the visit from the plumber and the guy who services the furnace and then is home to let them in when they arrive, shops, etc. (all the same things that stay at home moms do) is not a deadbeat dad. He is a partner.
A stay at home dad who has agreed to look for work but doesn't, who doesn't look after the kids, cook, clean, shop or care for the house but instead goes hunting, fishing, plays on a few softball leagues and drinks huge quantities of cheap beer is a deadbeat. These are the kind of stay at home dads in my acquaintance, although admittedly most of them have now graduated to stay at home grandfather hood.
I'm not speaking of gender roles. I'm speaking of partnerships in which one "partner" plays all the time while the other does all the work. The partner who plays all the time is a dead beat, regardless of gender.
A stay at home Dad, who takes care of the children, arranges their pediatrician visits (and takes them to said visits), arranges their play dates, looks after the home, arranges the visit from the plumber and the guy who services the furnace and then is home to let them in when they arrive, shops, etc. (all the same things that stay at home moms do) is not a deadbeat dad. He is a partner.
A stay at home dad who has agreed to look for work but doesn't, who doesn't look after the kids, cook, clean, shop or care for the house but instead goes hunting, fishing, plays on a few softball leagues and drinks huge quantities of cheap beer is a deadbeat. These are the kind of stay at home dads in my acquaintance, although admittedly most of them have now graduated to stay at home grandfather hood.
I'm not speaking of gender roles. I'm speaking of partnerships in which one "partner" plays all the time while the other does all the work. The partner who plays all the time is a dead beat, regardless of gender.
But this guy completed nursing school during the interim. One child is hers from another marriage and nothing has been said by OP that he didn't do jack while unemployed. She seems more upset with job jealously, from which he will be earning a living to help support his family.
The guy is going to finally earning a living again and she's resentful for how he's doing it. So much for wanting him to take just any menial job at the height of the recession. Honestly, I think he made a good decision for his family, and the proof is in the pudding, he completed it and secured a good job.
I can't figure out where deadbeat even came from, thinking of all of the angst that goes on here from nursing students but this guy's a deadbeat?
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
But this guy completed nursing school during the interim. One child is hers from another marriage and nothing has been said by OP that he didn't do jack while unemployed. She seems more upset with job jealously, from which he will be earning a living to help support his family.
The guy is going to finally earning a living again and she's resentful for how he's doing it. So much for wanting him to take just any menial job at the height of the recession. Honestly, I think he made a good decision for his family, and the proof is in the pudding, he completed it and secured a good job.
I can't figure out where deadbeat even came from, thinking of all of the angst that goes on here from nursing students but this guy's a deadbeat?
Total gender bias. (on this thread in general)
The OP said she graduated from nursing school in 2010, and was pregnant when she graduated. When the baby was a year old, her husband was laid off. Perhaps 2011? He promised he would find work, but three years later had not even applied for a job. 2014? Then he decided to go to nursing school. He's graduating in 2016 -- five years after the layoff. Yes, it's great that he got a great job. But I was talking more about the three years during which he didn't even apply for a job, before he decided to go to nursing school.
If the OP had an agreement that the husband would stay home and take care of the house and the children while she worked, that would be one thing. But she says she wanted him to work, and he didn't even try to find work. People, regardless of gender, who promise to get a job to help support the family and then don't create resentment such as the OP expressed when she came here.
We have only her side of the story, and frankly the idea that she is now jealous of his opportunities and good job leave me wondering. The husband's side of the story may be entirely different, but we don't have that.
Perhaps I am reading more into the situation that is there or believing more of the OP's story than I should because of my own family history. (Mom supported the family, Dad had hobbies.). If I'm wrong about the original story, then I'm wrong. But I still maintain that a person of EITHER GENDER who promises to find work to help support the family and does not find work for at least five years is in the wrong, even if they spent two of those years in nursing school. A person of either gender who promises to find work and doesn't even submit an application then, after three years decides to go to school (presumably at the partner's expense) for a better job is truly taking advantage.
A person of either gender who contributes neither financial support nor the work of childcare/homemaking to the family is a dead beat. In my opinion. Unless, of course, they've been in a coma for the past five years, or unless their partner agreed to this arrangement. The OP says she did not. But then again, I'm extrapolating. She didn't say much about what he did do during those five years, and I may be assuming that he didn't do anything based on the level of resentment expressed by the OP.
I'll take the criticism on extrapolating. I'll take the criticism on applying the situations with which I am familiar (anecdotally -- I realize this does not constitute statistics) to this situation. But not on gender bias -- at least not in this instance.
Stay-at-home dads are not "deadbeat dads". Their role in the family is not any less than a mom that does the same.
Which is exactly why I'd be interested in his story. The original post is one-sided and full of holes. I'm willing to bet there are several missing details. It comes across as bait.
My wife and I went to nursing school together. I worked full-time for the family. She stayed home and cared for the kids, house, etc. It worked out well. We were very busy but we made it.
I'd like to hear from the husband too. Hearing only one side of the story isn't a good way to make a judgment.
OP - would you be willing to ask your husband to write his perspective here?
Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.
Eh, might be time to bury the hatchet. Now that the dust has settled and the husband has achieved end goal (a nursing job), the OP can move on and get the job she wants. I'm not sure she'd be able to jump directly to home health to the ED, but a transition job like tele/stepdown could help.
+ 1,000,000 likes for a housekeeper. I've admitted to myself that neither my husband and I are interested in cleaning that much, and it keeps the peace.
I know OP isn't here, but I just have to say I don't see going to school as a reason not to work. I worked during nursing school. I am in school now - full time, hard sciences biology degree, and I have both a full time and a PRN job and I am making all of that work. I am taking graduate level classes as well as organic chemistry - all of which I am finding a lot more difficult than anything I did in nursing school. I am still making all As (so far) while working a full time and a PRN job. Is it difficult to work full time, PRN, and go to school full time all at the same time? Sure. Is it impossible? No way.
Maybe I'm just harsh, but anyone who acts like going to school takes up their whole lives and there is no way they can work at all to help out the working spouse is at least a little lazy and/or selfish. The only excuse for not working at all while going to school would possibly be having a documented severe learning disability, and I even find that debatable. I don't care what the gender of the non-working spouse is - if the other person is struggling to provide for the whole family alone, it's just basic human decency to work at least a few hours a week to help out.
I also think it's a loss of identity issue as well. Not only were promises were made and failed to fulfill, but being a nurse was HER identity. An identity she herself worked very hard for. According to her, he never showed interest until a few years ago and didn't really have the personality of someone who would become a nurse. She, in so many words, described him as career minded, ambitious, and competitive. She feels like her identity was stolen right out from under her. Having your own identity in a relationship is just as important as having things in common. You need to know where you begin and your partner ends. This is a fairly petty issue to be upset about for sure and she should probably suck it up, but sometimes venting helps people feel better. Even if you know you're being totally ridiculous.
I will agree not all stay-at-home dads are deadbeats, but that is not the point Ruby Vee is trying to make. She's referring to the fact that the OP's spouse agreed to get a job (I'm sure any type of job would've been fine) and did not make the attempt. It is pretty crappy on his part. But I will say her mistake was letting it go on for 3 years. I understand sometimes it takes time to find a job, but if it had been me, I would've been bringing the fire after 6 months. I've never been out of work for more then 6 months without a legitimate excuse as to why. Heck, I've never been out of work for longer then 4 months. I always try to continuously be employed even if I have to stock shelves at Walmart part time until I find something better. It would be one thing if they both decided for him to stay at home on purpose, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
MikeyT-c-IV
237 Posts
Which is exactly why I'd be interested in his story. The original post is one-sided and full of holes. I'm willing to bet there are several missing details. It comes across as bait.
My wife and I went to nursing school together. I worked full-time for the family. She stayed home and cared for the kids, house, etc. It worked out well. We were very busy but we made it.