Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
I haven't read the whole thread, so figure me if I am echoing someone else here.
Friend, your feelings are real and they are valid. No one gets to invalidate you. Take the above career advice of others, but also do something for yourself. Talk with a counselor or some one else who can help you learn to respect your needs and feelings, and learn that taking care of what YOU need is not selfish. Best of luck to you!
I can understand your resentment and your mentality of "get your OWN career" 100%! My significant other has been an electrician for several years, but comes from a long line of nurses. He recently decided to go become an EMT. There's a big part of me that wants to be the only "medical expert" in our home. Just my two cents :)
I support our family now as my husband builds his (medical) business. Just remember: You're on the same team. Working in corrections, verifying the death of some stinking, ancient prisoner, isn't my dream, but I get to be with my precious family four days a week every other week. Yes, every other week I work 60 hour weeks. Marriage isn't strictly defined by what you can gain, but what you can give.
Sometimes I want to be a traditional mother and wife, but I have the right husband, life, and career for me. There will be good and bad times. Just plug on through.
I support our family now as my husband builds his (medical) business. Just remember: You're on the same team. Working in corrections, verifying the death of some stinking, ancient prisoner, isn't my dream, but I get to be with my precious family four days a week every other week. Yes, every other week I work 60 hour weeks. Marriage isn't strictly defined by what you can gain, but what you can give.
Sometimes I want to be a traditional mother and wife, but I have the right husband, life, and career for me. There will be good and bad times. Just plug on through.
This is all well and good if it's a mutual decision for one spouse to support the entire family. That is not the case with the OP.
This is all well and good if it's a mutual decision for one spouse to support the entire family. That is not the case with the OP.
He now has a job, though. However, she's upset about that, because he got a "better job" than she has.
She needs to work through the resentment she is carrying over the past, when he didn't carry his weight financially. That is understandable, and something a marriage counselor could walk both of them through. But he is under no obligation to underachieve now in order to cater to her insecurities about her "identity."
He now has a job, though. However, she's upset about that, because he got a "better job" than she has.
She needs to work through the resentment she is carrying over the past, when he didn't carry his weight financially. That is understandable, and something a marriage counselor could walk both of them through. But he is under no obligation to underachieve now in order to cater to her insecurities about her "identity."
Oh I totally agree with you. It's just I also feel it's understandable how difficult it can be to let go of that long-standing resentment (having been married to a deadbeat that everyone thought was the.best.husband.ever!) so I wanted to cut her a little slack on that one. Not that she doesn't need to get over it and perhaps her venting here was the start of her letting it go. I know that marriage is give and take but that only works when the give and the take are mutually agreed upon.
Just to be clear I was speaking of my now ex-husband as the deadbeat, because he was, so I understand the frustration with broken promises. Rinse and repeat. It does tend to build over time. I don't know the OP's husband so I can't make the call. No gender bias with me at all. He could be a deadbeat or father of the year for all I know.
My husband and I each have been in and out of school through the years and th rough various employment both full and part time. For us, we discussed changes in either with each other and as partners decided what we could afford both financially and mentally. It's a team effort at any rate and I'm fortunate we've been able to manage. It's not easy but it was a blessing that we could sacrifice for the greater good.
This is the key. There was a discussion and a mutually agreed upon plan. That's what makes these kind of situations work. But I'm pretty sure one of you would have been cheesed off if the other unilaterally changed the rules in the middle of the game.
He now has a job, though. However, she's upset about that, because he got a "better job" than she has.
She needs to work through the resentment she is carrying over the past, when he didn't carry his weight financially. That is understandable, and something a marriage counselor could walk both of them through. But he is under no obligation to underachieve now in order to cater to her insecurities about her "identity."
Based on her second response, I don't think that's the case. I think he resentment from that time BEFORE he went to nursing school is souring the situation further, but I do think she's happy for him. However, I also think that his success HAS reminded her of her own regrets and dreams in her career and she feels inadequate and left behind. It's easy to call it jealousy, but that's not what this is IMO. I think his success is a mirror for her to look into and I'm thinking she's not liking what she's seeing. It could be anyone who reminds her of this. Running into someone she went to nursing school with who had similar success as her husband could bring up those feelings. She just happens to live with the person making her feel this way. Not his fault, but at the same time... we are all human and have less then desirable feelings sometimes. Good news is that she can change things now! :)
Boston FNP, I still see the OP as venting to an anonymous entity here rather than speaking to her husband to let him know where she stands. Then came the responses that this is somehow a competition to see who is the better nurse. There is dysfunction all over this thread, both OP and responses. No wonder marriages are crying out in death groans with attitudes like these. Is it really that difficult?
Don't know if you are married or not, Mr. Nurse, but to answer your question, no, it does not have to be that hard! If you wake every morning and think "what can I do today to make my spouse's life happier, easier, or more enjoyable?" then you do not have a mindset of competition, selfishness, or neediness. This is not an instant newlyweds insight, but a process learned over the last 38 years of being married to the best husband ever! Oh yes, and one more thing: talk to each other, not about each other.
This is all well and good if it's a mutual decision for one spouse to support the entire family. That is not the case with the OP.
She agreed to it. Just because she regrets it doesn't negate the agreement.
Male nurses are likely to get a better job out of school. Life isn't fair. She needs to decide what actions will make her happier and set upon that course instead of crying she had to support him and then turning around and crying he got a better job.
She agreed to it. Just because she regrets it doesn't negate the agreement.
Male nurses are likely to get a better job out of school. Life isn't fair. She needs to decide what actions will make her happier and set upon that course instead of crying she had to support him and then turning around and crying he got a better job.
No she didn't. He kept promising to get a job and then didn't do it which forced her to take whatever job was available to keep a roof over their heads. Then he decided instead of working he'd go to nursing school instead which forced her to stay in the job she had even though it wasn't what she wanted. Hopefully, now that he's employed, she can get the opportunity to find a job that is more fulfilling without bearing the full financial load of the family.
dec2007
508 Posts
I haven't read the whole thread, so figure me if I am echoing someone else here.
Friend, your feelings are real and they are valid. No one gets to invalidate you. Take the above career advice of others, but also do something for yourself. Talk with a counselor or some one else who can help you learn to respect your needs and feelings, and learn that taking care of what YOU need is not selfish. Best of luck to you!