Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
Yes, three years later and she paid the price for it. Hopefully he will be returning the favor.
Grudges aren't healthy. Seriously.
If my husband cried about "paying the price" when I was gone or sleeping every day to take care of our family, I'd read him the riot act. Preparing for the future by getting a BSN isn't exactly easy or a lack of contribution; it just takes awhile to pay dividends.
Would you feel the same way if a husband was doing the primary financial support while the wife got a BSN? Or is that just a "man's job?"
Sometimes as women we make sacrifices, because that's what women do. Character is defined by our attitudes through challenges as well as our actions. If you view a hardship in the marriage as something the other person is doing to you rather than an experience set upon you as a family unit, there may be a problem.
If my husband cried about "paying the price" when I was gone or sleeping every day to take care of our family, I'd read him the riot act. Preparing for the future by getting a BSN isn't exactly easy or a lack of contribution; it just takes awhile to pay dividends.
Would you feel the same way if a husband was doing the primary financial support while the wife got a BSN? Or is that just a "man's job?"
Sometimes as women we make sacrifices, because that's what women do. Character is defined by our attitudes through challenges as well as our actions. If you view a hardship in the marriage as something the other person is doing to you rather than an experience set upon you as a family unit, there may be a problem.
I wouldn't want to be married to OP.
Please don't imply that I am gender biased. That simply isn't true. Personally I think the OP is trying to begin to move forward from this and she even admitted that she could be overreacting. It sounds like the biggest thing for her were the broken promises. That can really destroy the trust a good relationship needs. Unless you've been married to someone who consistently breaks their promises (maybe you have been, I don't know) it might be difficult to understand that after awhile it can really beat you down. You begin to feel like you don't matter. I have lived that life and it was horrible. Years of swallowing disappointment while being expected to pull all of the weight in the relationship and present yourself as the happy wife. It's demoralizing. Maybe that's why I'm cutting the OP some slack. At least she's entertaining the idea that she might just be jealous and she needs to grow up. Personally, I think they both have some work to do. And you know, sometimes we just need to whine a little before we buckle down and start doing the hard stuff. To me, it sounds more like she was just trying to figure out her feelings before she started to deal with them. Probably would have been better with a counselor than on a forum but it is what it is.
It's clear we are never going to agree on this. You sound like a very reasonable person so I'm a bit mystified why you seem to view the husband as totally innocent in all of this. Understanding that no relationship is consistently 50-50 I, for one, like the people in my life to at least attempt to keep their promises to me.
I'm sorry I was indirect. I sincerely doubt the husband's innocence, but he doesn't post here. I think he took his sweet time on making good on a promise, but he did make good. She stopped being justified in her anger the moment he got a job. Whether he deserves it, is good at it, doesn't matter. He got a decent job. Whether he's a good partner, I don't know.
I know how hard it is working a job that, by all standards, is at the bottom of the barrel. I know the incredible pressure that sets on one's shoulders from major risk for the future, and how grinding it is to be strong, and how all the stupid expectations weigh on you. I don't feel guilt about much when it comes to life outside my family (husband + child). I think it probably protects me from a lot of the negative emotions my peers experience.
Not dwelling on the past has been a slow lesson to learn. I grew up with a mother who was abusive. I don't mean that in the modern sense, that she yelled a lot. I have real pain resulting from what happened. (Again, I feel it and see it on my body, not inside my tender heart.) When someone who should love you betrays and harms you, how do you let it go? You just do.
When someone who should love you betrays and harms you, how do you let it go? You just do.
I agree 100%. I hope you realize this OP, since there hasn't been any update from you of the situation since the 20th. Your husband has a good paying job now. From this point forward, things should be better for you and your entire family. Let the past frustrations go. You need to focus on the present now.
You are not trapped in your job. You can easily start applying for acute care positions in your area. You will most likely start on the floor in an undesirable area (med surge, ltach, rehab ecetera --this is an opinion everyone hold you wrath lol--), however you will gain a lot more nursing skills and knowledge. After that, if you feel like going into the ED like your husband or even ICU, you will be better prepared for the transition.
Once, he made a comment to me when I made less than him and couldn't pay as much as he could for a while, that I wasn't "pulling my weight" which is what made us decide to split everything down the middle.
I have had many conversations with him over those years that he was not working about how I need him to go get a job. He's seen and heard my tears from stress over money and having to work ALL the time, missing out on all of my daughters milestones and feeling like a piggy bank.
I think this really sums up a lot of the issue. When he was working and she wasn't, he felt she wasn't pulling her weight. When she was working and he wasn't, she felt like he wasn't pulling his weight.
Perhaps it is my own bias (I think we all have some at play here), but I just don't see how going back to school and ending up with a great job is not fulfilling a promise. Especially if he was taking care of the house/kids at the same time.
I'm sorry I was indirect. I sincerely doubt the husband's innocence, but he doesn't post here. I think he took his sweet time on making good on a promise, but he did make good. She stopped being justified in her anger the moment he got a job. Whether he deserves it, is good at it, doesn't matter. He got a decent job. Whether he's a good partner, I don't know.
I know how hard it is working a job that, by all standards, is at the bottom of the barrel. I know the incredible pressure that sets on one's shoulders from major risk for the future, and how grinding it is to be strong, and how all the stupid expectations weigh on you. I don't feel guilt about much when it comes to life outside my family (husband + child). I think it probably protects me from a lot of the negative emotions my peers experience.
Not dwelling on the past has been a slow lesson to learn. I grew up with a mother who was abusive. I don't mean that in the modern sense, that she yelled a lot. I have real pain resulting from what happened. (Again, I feel it and see it on my body, not inside my tender heart.) When someone who should love you betrays and harms you, how do you let it go? You just do.
I totally get where you're coming from. I have a similar history. Of course you let things go but every hurt, every broken promise, every time your feelings get disregarded leaves a mark. It changes you. Little by little your trust erodes. It isn't something that gets fixed overnight. I had to first figure out WHAT I had to let go and then figure out HOW to let it go. I mean really let it go. Not shove it back into some dark corner of my soul. I had to admit I was angry. Had to admit that I hurt. Then I had to commit to moving on from those feelings. I sense that this is where the OP is. Starting that journey. Again. I don't think the issue was entirely his lack of a job but rather the broken promises that he made. Maybe I'm wrong and she's just immature and selfish but I'd like to think this is more of a time of personal growth for her. Either way I hope they can navigate this time in their lives and end up being more of a team for them as a couple and for their children.
I think this really sums up a lot of the issue. When he was working and she wasn't, he felt she wasn't pulling her weight. When she was working and he wasn't, she felt like he wasn't pulling his weight.
Except she wasn't ever NOT working. Even when she was in school. Regardless. This idea of comparing "weight pulling" would kill any relationship. I think there are more problems and this is just symptomatic of something much deeper.
Based on her second response, I don't think that's the case. I think he resentment from that time BEFORE he went to nursing school is souring the situation further, but I do think she's happy for him. However, I also think that his success HAS reminded her of her own regrets and dreams in her career and she feels inadequate and left behind. It's easy to call it jealousy, but that's not what this is IMO. I think his success is a mirror for her to look into and I'm thinking she's not liking what she's seeing. It could be anyone who reminds her of this. Running into someone she went to nursing school with who had similar success as her husband could bring up those feelings. She just happens to live with the person making her feel this way. Not his fault, but at the same time... we are all human and have less then desirable feelings sometimes. Good news is that she can change things now! :)
Thank you. You simplified the situation perfectly. I did not do a great job enunciating my issue with the situation. 😊
Except she wasn't ever NOT working. Even when she was in school. Regardless. This idea of comparing "weight pulling" would kill any relationship. I think there are more problems and this is just symptomatic of something much deeper.
I don't think of it as "weight pulling" because I know being at home with kids isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and it's not easy. I'm glad our kid was at home with him instead of with strangers. I feel as though I got through prereqs and nursing school as a single mom to a toddler, while working and supporting myself. He has someone supporting the family, so there is no reason why he is unable to contribute financially as well. Especially since he knew how stressed out I was about making ends meet. This may sound wrong, but if he got a job for nothing else but to make me feel like he cared about how I was feeling about the situation, that would have been huge. Marriage is a partnership, and that means providing for each other in many more ways than financially.
She agreed to it. Just because she regrets it doesn't negate the agreement.
Male nurses are likely to get a better job out of school. Life isn't fair. She needs to decide what actions will make her happier and set upon that course instead of crying she had to support him and then turning around and crying he got a better job.
AllOfMyWat
104 Posts
He got a job. His promise is fulfilled.