Husband became a RN

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Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.

My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.

During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.

I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.

I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?

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Oh my, that's a wall of words. May I suggest paragraphs to help the reader make their way through your post?

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Career resentment can destroy your marriage. I would suggest that if you can not sit down and iron out a family plan for both of your careers as well as your family life, then perhaps marriage counseling may be in order, before festering sores overwhelm your family.

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I understand your feelings and I think they are justified. However, you can't change what happened in the past. You only have today to work with. I honestly don't feel like you are trapped in your current position. Six years of steady employment is attractive on a resume. I think you would get offers if you market your skills appropriately. Surely now that your husband is graduated and employed, you two can work out a schedule that would allow for a different nursing position? You've juggled so much for so long... I think it's possible now and something you have to advocate for yourself on your marriage. Once you two work a schedule agreement out... and follow through with... I think you will feel empowered instead of trapped and resentful. Good luck, op.

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Specializes in Critical Care.

Nurse lady, your open post to all of us shows such humility and grace on your part. You have placed everyone else's needs before your own. I felt compelled to let you know you are going to be okay. It may even be your time to "relax" and let life's burdens fall on your husband for the moment. He may be telling you all the "amazing" things he is learning in the ED as a new graduate. But in reality he is probably feeling overwhelmed and intimidated by his new experiences. Don't forget about your accomplishments....providing for your family, supporting your husband through nursing school and becoming an accomplished home health nurse with no prior experience. I could not imagine becoming a successful home health nurse right out of college. The thing about nursing is that we are always learning new procedures and best practices....in every speciality. Good luck in your next chapter. Sometimes we just need a little help in turning the next page.

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. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip...

Yes. I think that might be it.

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I suspect you need, in no particular order:

- Marriage counseling. Some of your issues with your husband seem like very legit complaints (him leaving you with all the financial responsibility, for example); some of them seem like problems you yourself should work through without blaming him (you wanting to be the only RN in the relationship, for example).

- To apply for a new job with a new company. Your current gig isn't letting you switch roles because they don't have to, and you haven't shown willingness to leave in order to get what you want.

- Individual therapy.

- Paragraphs (sorry for the wiseass remark, but they do help, especially in the 'am I right or am I crazy' type posts)

On the upside, your family income should be increasing, and that never hurts.

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He has a job now. Time to focus on you and your career.

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Ahhhh, I'd feel like that, too. I get like this. I would be flipping my Twinkie.

You are venting here 'cause you know it's kinda petty, but that's okay. You are allowed to feel whatever you want, yes?

Just don't let it get out of hand and sour you. Try to talk to hubs or...someone about it... in RL.

Keep putting one food forward and work on you. Good luck.

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Ahhhh, I'd feel like that, too. I get like this. I would be flipping my Twinkie.

You are venting here 'cause you know it's kinda petty, but that's okay. You are allowed to feel whatever you want, yes?

Just don't let it get out of hand and sour you. Try to talk to hubs or...someone about it... in RL.

Keep putting one food forward and work on you. Good luck.

I don't know Far. She has completely financially supported him for at least 5 years. She worked while she was in school and now works and likely (although she hasn't mentioned whether he does the majority of the household work) does all of the childcare and more. He didn't keep his word about getting a job (not even part time)and I doubt it took him all that time to complete nursing school. If it did he was just fiddle-farting around while she supported him. She took the HH job because she needed to provide for her family since he wasn't and then was stuck in it mostly because of him and his lack of ambition. That's pretty disrespectful if you ask me. I'm laying bets he's got his chest puffed out about being an ED nurse (wearing a badge with un-earned credentials) and is letting her know he's hot poo now. I'd be all sorts of mad but frankly I think this situation is likely a symptom of deeper problems.

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I don't know Far. She has completely financially supported him for at least 5 years. She worked while she was in school and now works and likely (although she hasn't mentioned whether he does the majority of the household work) does all of the childcare and more. He didn't keep his word about getting a job (not even part time)and I doubt it took him all that time to complete nursing school. If it did he was just fiddle-farting around while she supported him. She took the HH job because she needed to provide for her family since he wasn't and then was stuck in it mostly because of him and his lack of ambition. That's pretty disrespectful if you ask me. I'm laying bets he's got his chest puffed out about being an ED nurse (wearing a badge with un-earned credentials) and is letting her know he's hot poo now. I'd be all sorts of mad but frankly I think this situation is likely a symptom of deeper problems.

So, you're agreeing with me...? :cheeky: (Read again my flipping of my Twinkie- and I don't even have a Twinkie!)

She can't change anyone but herself. Festering on him ain't gonna help diddly squat.

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So, you're agreeing with me...? :cheeky: (Read again my flipping of my Twinkie- and I don't even have a Twinkie!)

She can't change anyone but herself. Festering on him ain't gonna help diddly squat.

Ooops! I think the Twinkie part went over my head. True about the festering but I surely hope he isn't rubbing her nose in it.

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